How we teach children to lie: Environmental parenting and the truth without masks

"They can't lie": How Adults Program Children's Lies

In the laboratory of the University of Toronto conducted an experiment: children 3-7 years old were forbidden to look at a toy behind their backs. When the researcher “accidentally” came out, 80% of the toddlers turned around. But when they were asked, “Did you look?” 95% of the younger group glibly replied, “No!” and did so with perfectly honest eyes. So begins our conversation about innate honesty, social patterns, and how parents become master teachers of lies.

Why newborns are the perfect truth-tellers
Up to 2.5-3 years of age, children are not physically able to create false narratives. Their brains have not yet mastered:

• Theory of Consciousness (understanding that others may think differently)
• Manipulation of the emotional context
• Predicting the consequences of words

The triggers that trigger the “lie program”

A study in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology (2022) identified 4 parental behaviors that accelerate the development of lies:

1. The good vs. bad dichotomy: “Eat soup and you’ll be my mom’s assistant.”
2. Emotional blackmail: “If you tell the truth, I won’t be angry” (but my face says otherwise)
3. Double standards: "Tell me I'm not at home" on an unsolicited call
4. Perfectionism: Punishment for mistakes instead of discussion

Environmental parenting: 7 principles for honest dialogue
In Emerging Liars, Dr. Angela Evans suggests strategies to reduce the need for children to lie by 68 percent:

• Replace "Did you break the vase?" with "I see the vase is broken." Let's figure out a way to fix it.
• Create a 'No Consequences Zone' for Truth: 1 Day a Week When Confessions Are Not Punished
• The truth is sometimes bitter as medicine, but it heals relationships.

What to do if your child is already lying?

Psychologist Victoria Tal of the American Psychological Association recommends 4 steps:

1. Acknowledge his fear: “You seemed afraid to upset me.”
2. Thank you for trying to protect your feelings.
3. Explain the difference between “salvation lies” and sincerity
4. Ask them to rewrite the script: “Let’s imagine what it would look like in truth.”

Glossary
A theory of consciousness Theory of Mind is the ability to understand that other people have their own thoughts, beliefs, and intentions.
Cognitive dissonance Mental tension in the collision of contradictory attitudes (“I love my parents, but I must deceive them”).
Environmental parenthood An approach focused on natural development without the forcible implementation of social norms.

“Children are mirrors of our invisible conflicts. When they start lying, it’s not betrayal, it’s SOS. – Dr. Gordon Neufeld, founder of the concept of attachment