Love Addiction – When Love Is Bad Bashny.Net

Love in itself cannot be a problem. Taken in its purest form, love makes infinitely beautiful both the one who is loved and the one who loves. One can discuss for a long time whether love prevents or helps to see another person in its entirety, but one thing is certain: the ability to freely experience love is happiness.

What's the matter with love addiction? The boundary between love and love addiction lies where the boundary between joy and suffering lies. That is, love becomes a problem when you cause (or allow) yourself pain along with love or instead of love. It took me half my life to learn to distinguish one from the other.





How does love make our lives unbearable? The formula for love addiction is “my happiness is in your hands.” The most vulnerable in this sense are people who believe that happiness, as an object, person, event or substance, can be located somewhere outside the person, and arises at the moment when the second in awe catches up with the first in any form. “Happiness” can be anything: a dissertation, a conquered “thousander”, the wife of the director of a corporation, an apartment in Manhattan. Hidden from the angry wife half a liter or "dose" - are in the same row. Because (like a thousand-year-old or a stranger’s wife) they are 1.-- symbolize happiness and 2.-- are not inside, but outside a person. Thus, any addiction can arise if I believe that happiness is 1. objectified and 2. Love addiction works in the same scenario. It arises if I believe that there is someone, and he (she) is my happiness. Then I want him (or her) to love me "for real," to be "my," to promise to be with me forever. Such “love” is very similar to swallowing. And if you can drink vodka and take the drug, then you can not eat a person, and the suffering begins quite quickly.

So, no matter how beautiful your loved one is, you do not live with him, but with yourself. So let’s do our best to make you feel good first with yourself and then with him. For simplicity, let us divide human consciousness into four components: the focus of attention, feelings, thoughts, desires. Now let’s see what happens to each of them in a situation of love addiction.

Displaced focus of attention

You probably think a lot about your loved one. Especially when something happened in your relationship that made you unhappy again. He “forgot” about you for a couple of days, ignored the text, humiliated your appearance, negatively assessed your action or read you an hour-long lecture on the topic “female logic, like non-alcoholic vodka, does not exist.” When you didn't finish in bed after all that, he said, "You've been a long time." The rest, faster! The motley list of possible feats can be extended, but one thing is clear: it is time to reflect on what is happening. How do you do that?

Women tell me that most of this thinking is based on the pattern of our favorite movie, Adventures of Electronics: “Uri, where does he have a button?” Here is a sample list of questions they (we) ask in such situations:

- What did he mean when he said that?

How did he really feel when he did that?

- what's more important to him?

Did he love anyone before me?

- what would he say if I said that?

How will he feel if I do this?

And so on.

See the point? The main feature of all such thoughts is to “get out of your temper” in order to indulge in them. When you get mad, you betray yourself. In the language of psychotherapy, you lose contact with yourself. This process is a direct reflection of the very belief in happiness that is always out there, and that needs to be caught up and swallowed, remember? The second important feature of these questions is that whatever answer you find doesn’t satisfy you. One question arises in consciousness after another, and the answers found only provoke new questions. And most importantly, no matter how many answers you come up with, you do not become happier. The real relationship between you and your partner doesn’t change. Below we’ll talk more about how to “come to your senses” again, in both senses of the phrase.

Polarity of feelings

The second most important mechanism by which love addiction is maintained is affective splitting. Splitting is a childish way of dealing with one’s own feelings and the world in general. Initially, a baby (and a small child) are not able to simultaneously hold the entire spectrum of adult feelings in the soul. The child cries or is angry with his whole being (and body) and rejoices in the same way. Mom is absolutely bad when she forbids running and screaming, and the best when she kisses and laughs. This is a healthy splitting of the infant psyche. As emotional and personal maturation, the child learns to form more holistic and realistic images of people. His mind is already able to accommodate love and resentment at the same time. The black and white world is slowly receding.

In other cases, emotional splitting, as the main way of perceiving the world, is supported by the family, and then the situation is more complicated. Parents unknowingly teach children cleavage when they don’t let them get mad at the characters they’re supposed to love (“Grandma can’t be offended, she loves you!”). We are taught cleavage when we are not allowed to love those who are “outlawed” in the family (“we no longer communicate with Uncle Vitya, and you do not call him!”), “Dad is bad, he abandoned us”, “I do not allow you to be friends with Kolya, his mother is no longer a friend of our mother”.

Unlike infants, adults (and grown children!) are not able to split their psyche without consequences. The feelings of adults are more persistent and rigid (less flexible). The rejected sensual pole does not disappear without a trace, but only repressed, that is, it ceases to be felt, continuing to create the background of any mood, and also to make itself felt in other ways. So, the hated (seemingly) boy from the next porch occupies all the thoughts of the girl, and with his beloved grandmother, who can not be angry, after unfair punishment, you simply do not want to share your innermost.

Surprisingly, psychological (and love) addiction is supported by split ambivalent feelings, half of which have no right to exist. Dear people have more power over us, the less realistic their image in our minds.

I don’t know of a single perfectly understandable explanation for this phenomenon, although I do know a dozen ways to describe it scientifically. One is projective identification, which explains little. Sometimes it seems to me that the painful fixation on such a “main” person is explained by the fervent need of the psyche to restore its integrity and integrity of the image of a person, having grown up in the process. Constantly thinking and experiencing, a person seems to want to penetrate the essence of the phenomenon in order to finally free himself from it and gain emotional and personal independence. However, this is another not very clear explanation. One way or another, it is not so easy to do without a therapist, but below we will try.

Polarity of thinking

The third mental mechanism that forms dependent behavior in relationships.

“He is my last great love. I'll never get married! No one has ever loved me like him! I've never loved anyone like him. I have always dreamed of him.

Do you recognize yourself in these designs? Think about the phenomenon of affective splitting in chapter 1.2. Thoughtual polarization is nothing but a manifestation of the same phenomenon of splitting, not in the emotional but in the mental realm. These thoughts begin with the words “never” or “always,” and occur simultaneously with an acute rush of negative or positive feelings. In everyday life, such states are also called “nakatilo”. While the emotional pendulum swings with maximum amplitude, categorical thoughts come to mind that you believe in as truth. Mental polarization combined with emotional sometimes can completely disable a person. After all, if you think passionately the thought “I will never be happy again” or “always, always only he I will love”, it is not long and crazy to go. What do I do? I'll tell you below.

Insufficient orientation in their desires (needs)

If you recognize yourself by reading the previous chapters, you will agree that it is difficult for an addict to determine what he wants. Constant concentration on the partner, confusion in feelings and conclusions made on their basis - do not give a person the opportunity to hear himself. If you ask them what they want out of a relationship with their partner, they’ll probably answer in the format of “I want him (she).”

The desires of the “I want him” format are not desires, but fantasies. Let’s learn to distinguish one from the other. All desires are fixed on the body. The simplest examples of my own desires are: “I want to eat”, “I want to sleep”, “I want to go to the toilet”, “I want to have sex”. It is clear which parts of the body are responsible for satisfying any of them. Higher-order desires are a little more complicated. “I want to go to London,” “I want to play paintball,” or “I want a dog” are desires that seem impossible to localize in the body. But by some analysis, they can be understood more clearly.

So, “I want to go to London” can mean: “I want to go there because my favorite friends are there, they are cool, they appreciate my humor.” If you unpack London correctly, you will feel a certain warmth or fading – in your chest or stomach. People call these bodily symptoms most often when they experience anxiety, talking about what is really important for them now. In this sense, London is no different than a dog and paintball: every complex desire, when correctly understood, responds in the body.

Agree now that the desire “I want him to call” does not exist. Instead, there is probably a desire to be important, necessary, not to go to waste in 30 years, to have a child, your home, where you are waiting, or just a desire for warmth and sex. Forgetting about it, you firmly attach your joys and needs to another person. It is not known how carefully he will treat them.

What do I do?

Learn to control the focus of attention

Exercise.

Always keep a notebook and pen on hand. Write down and number the questions from the list above. Also write down all the other questions that come to your mind about your loved one. Whenever you have thought about his mental state, tried to imagine his reactions, delved into his logic and actions, write it down. It is better if they are short phrases, in a column. On the other side of the page, write down the answers to your questions. If it seems to you that the answer found fully answers the question posed, cross out the question. Keep writing down new questions throughout the week if you don’t get tired of it sooner. When you decide it’s time to stop writing down, compare crossed out questions with fresh ones. I don't know what you're going to do, but everyone who's done it before admits that the questions are cyclical, and they don't disappear once they've found the answers. If the women who performed this exercise numbered the questions, they said that their number was striking.

Continue to write (or count) until the questions that come to your mind about your loved one are recognized by you “on the approach”, that is, as long as you stop seriously looking for answers to them.

Exercise.

Remember and describe the actions of your loved one (remark, question, action) that caused you to suffer. Instead of sticking to an external focus (“why did he do this?”, “what did he mean?”, “what should I do next time so that he...?”, “next time I will answer him and he...,” “did he hurt Masha the same way I did?”, “what should I do to be like Masha, whom he did not offend so much?”), ask yourself:

- How do I feel in my body when I remember the episode that hurt me? (describe in as much detail as possible: presses in my chest, cheeks burn, tears come to my eyes...)

What emotions do I feel when I remember this? (sadness, anger, resentment, sadness, fear)

Try to verbalize it using the following formula: “When I remember now how he told me that I was too stupid for him, I feel heartache.”

Ask yourself what words are born in response. ("I am hurt by your words", "I am offended", "You can not do this to me", "I forbid you to say this to me", etc.) While doing these exercises, watch your speech. Always note sentences that begin about you and end about him, like “I feel like him,” “I think he,” “I want him.” After noticing, reformulate such phrases according to the pattern “I feel this when he”, “I think that I”, “I want this for myself”. Try not to let the focus slip.

Restoring the integrity of the senses

Exercise.

Ask yourself, how often do you struggle with anger toward your loved one? Why? What words do you use to stop your frustration? If the answer turns out to be “you can’t be angry with your loved ones,” we’ve hit the mark. Now take a pause and try to formulate a clear, understandable, consistent explanation of this rule in a form that will be understandable to a four-year-old inquisitive child. Explanations like “because you can’t” are not good. When the explanation is ready, repeat it out loud and ask yourself if you believe in it. Nope? Then don't fool your children or yourself. Otherwise, you will not be comfortable and free in any close relationship, because you can not openly talk about what you do not like.

Exercise.

Remember how you argue with people close to you. You may remember past breakups. How did you feel? Is it true that during a quarrel or immediately after a breakup, you do not allow yourself to experience tenderness, love, attraction and other positive feelings for a loved one, but only cultivate resentment or anger? If your answer is yes, ask yourself why. I suppose the answer will be something like this: “If I allow myself to feel tenderness for this bastard, I will immediately text him, call him, or even come and lie down on the mat in front of his front door.”

My answer is, yes, it's possible. Impulsive behavior in general is characteristic of lovers, since they are always a little out of themselves. However, from what I know about love (and I know a lot), I can say that today come and lie down on the mat at the door of the beloved (oh) those who yesterday night hated his (her) pictures. Remember the princess in The Ordinary Miracle and her beautiful "two days I chased you to tell you how indifferent I was to you"?

Remember that emotional breakdown works like a pendulum. The more you are carried away to one pole (anger, resentment), the more likely you are to be on the other soon. Denied love holds you tightly to the object, and the Princess has shown us this charmingly.

Exercise.

Try to recognize your feelings in their fullness (ambivalence). Remember the brightest episode when you were full of love, delight, tenderness, attraction to your loved one. Keep this cocktail conscious for at least 30 seconds. Now remember the last episode where you were hurt, angry, hurt. Hold on to those feelings for 30 seconds, though it’s certainly not easy. Say to yourself, These are all my feelings, they all fit into my soul. I feel love and pain at the same time. I am very hurt and I am very attached to this person. This is happening simultaneously.”

The first time you will find it difficult to do this exercise, it may seem like I am offering the impossible. However, think about it: you do have these feelings for the same person, all within 5 minutes. A person cannot change from Prince to Beast in 5 minutes, and back again, unless you happen to love a werewolf.

Let go of the polarization of thinking

Watch how you hurt yourself. For example, telling yourself, “He doesn’t love me the way I love him.” Or "we're not going to make it." Be especially careful after something painful has happened in your relationship. Always be aware of the difference between “I’m sad that our meeting didn’t take place today” and “no one ever loved me or will love me because I’m a freak.”

Think about who you are in a relationship with – an image or a real person. To be in a relationship with someone with whom you feel bad, you can only be if you constantly distract yourself with ideas that are detached from life. The more serious you take the previous exercises, the easier it will be for you to give it.

It happens that for the first time, having analyzed her love affair in detail, a woman decides to interrupt it. Be careful not to hurt yourself with ideas like “I’ll never love again!” Do not commit grandiose acts such as burning all photos or selling gifts. Just ask yourself, do you want to see him today? If the answer is yes, meet up. Nope? Then there's nothing to grieve about. Perhaps you do not need a breakup at all, but a more attentive attitude to yourself and your needs in this union.

Putting desires in order

Exercise.

The last exercise can be considered the result of all the others. 4-5 times a day, ask yourself what I want. Especially during or after meeting your partner. Try to unpack any desire until you focus on yourself, not your partner. By doing this regularly, you will very quickly notice that your loved one is not unique. Even its most fascinating features can be seen in other people. This does not mean that you need to break up immediately. But perhaps this understanding will make your life easier, increase your sense of inner freedom, and clarify your choices. To stay or to leave, to depend or to be more free – these are choices that each of us makes every day. Even if yesterday you thought you had no choice, it does not mean that today you will not decide otherwise.

Prevention of Dependent Behavior in Children

• If parents loved their children, psychologists wouldn’t be needed. Do everything to be able to freely experience and express your love to children. Then they'll be able to do it.

Praise children for their results, not promise love for future success. Motivate the demands of any achievement, not by love, but by practice, profit, and common sense, lest external success be for them a currency equivalent to love and happiness. Do not build education on the encouragement of love and refusal of love.

Rejoice. Do everything to get joy from life. Let your children see that you like to live. Then they will be able to do the same. Teach them to savor the real, everyday, everyday life, because there is nothing more normal and more joyful than the healthy body, movement, curiosity, fun and intimacy of those you love. No external success in the world will ever replace it.

All parents are concerned about their children’s learning, but remember that cognition cannot be motivated by anything other than curiosity and pleasure in the process. No scientific advance can be the ultimate goal of knowledge, because we will never know anything that will save the world or live forever. And that’s good news, because eternal life for the sake of future success is the worst punishment you could ever think of.

Polina Gaverdovskaya

Source: karpachoff.com

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