Love and without rules—a new model of relations

In recent decades, the model of the relationship, born in the depths of the economically developed countries, began to impose to the world as the only correct and almost ideal for any companies. Here were love and relationships, not just that, the move is declared dependent, interfering freely actualizing personality to be happy on your own.

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In those days, in which arose the modern idea of the essence of love, love was really the best thing you could have in your life to happen. And now a set of pleasures and well-being has increased so much, so many possibilities good and interesting to live without love that she was seen as an added bonus, not as the meaning of life. Moreover, love may be a hindrance interesting life. We have to choose between the realization of love and interesting private life. Recently one lady, describing the complex web of their relationship with her ex-husband and present partner, from time to time did not forget to emphasize that her family life and partnership relations the main thing – comfort. Note that after this statement, all it describes a boiling passion immediately faded in the eyes of the listeners.


By the way, for all those holiday well-being somehow lost the obvious fact – that the model of relations that are declared dependent on one's level of social development, in other conditions is one of the only safe possibility of realization of this love. And everything rests in a quite prosaic things like the opportunity for children to be separated and to be economically independent since the age of 18 or the possibility for women to work and to have equal rights with men. As soon as we get into the terms of another culture or a different level of development of society, all that is declared a dependent, does not look such, categorically. How not to live a large family in poverty? Or as the farmer not to have many children, if he lives in subsistence farming? It is worth Recalling that even the Americans faced during the crisis with those that lost their jobs children were forced to come back home.


Idea what is measured by love, developed in parallel with ideas about what is not sorry to give his life. Not long ago, "real" love was defined quite simply – loving ready to sacrifice his life for a loved one. No matter what will be born this sacrifice – in the form of a direct "saloneni a bullet" or years of waiting the return of her beloved from some distant journey. Here can refer to a classic example of "the Odyssey". My own great-grandmother twice in my life long waited for her husband, which was not heard on the front in the First world were captured and several years promotrici in Germany, then accidentally fell asleep already in Soviet times, the border the train and for a few months in jail on suspicion of espionage. Frankly, I do not dare to estimate that her devotion as a manifestation of "dependence". EXPERT OPINION Elena Rekunova, counselor

The CULT of YOUTH "I can't" and "I'm gonna die" – is often a hormonal explosion than love. I'm not saying that there is no love. Junior "can't", and there are situations when people lose someone you learned to respect, admire and with whom have dealings. When someone, for whatever reason, leave our life, the "can't live without him" sounds different. And it's more trouble than dependence. The same as the loss of a close relative. It is necessary to distinguish between the reality and the seeming trouble. In? the last five years I've noticed another trend – secondary "hormonal explosion". It is observed in women 37 to 40 years who suddenly start to live "for his age" as young ladies in short skirts looking for her Prince and share searches with friends. The consequences of these situations is not the tears at the entrance – bursting marriage and children suffer. On personal observations, this phenomenon becomes almost a mass. I think that it is connected with those around us by the cult of youth.

"IMPERFECTION" of the CLASSICS Not so long ago, psychologists identified friendly chorus love with a "partnership". As a result, almost all the classic examples of ideal love from their point of view now, do not stand up to scrutiny, as the very idea of "the impossibility of living without another person". And love as a sacrifice abolished altogether and even denounced. My beloved man should be comfortable, not straining, to approach social and moral parameters, and otherwise it is not love, but some sort of pathological addiction! No-no will appear in the psychoanalytic "reasoning" on the subject of mental patholo-gical development of the classic Russian literary and cinematic characters. Ah, Karenina time didn't go to a shrink! Ah, caught us, psychologists, Zhenya Lukashin, along with Nadia Sheveleva – Oh, we would have treated. In the result, psychology and psychotherapy have become something of a new drug that allows people to feel more free from any kind of obligations. It's like the famous old joke, when the question of leaving the resort my husband "What did you bring, dear?"wife optimistic replies: "What I want – it's all treat!"


Of course, in a sense, today's love and relationships have become more honest – go and don't keep loving you, when stripped of all social and moral taboos! If you had kept God, morality and the economy, now Economics, and that in those cases when it is based on the model of "the wife stays at home". Humanity quite some time to realize that family is long on love will not last, and in respect also, therefore, introduced a strict requirement for "brac" – "and to the grave!". For women it was something like a lifetime guarantee of prosperity – in case if blessed after reaching a peak of social wants "to refresh the partner". By the way, in many European countries, it segued into a legislative consolidation of almost the annuity of a former spouse in a divorce case approximately at the same level of well-being, and in marriage.

In the WEB of UNCERTAINTY I'll tell you more – it is difficult to believe that I love you "for nothing". Love now often causes genuine surprise at the object of love! Is this all me? And for what? Be honest – how many of you have heard of people today are not teen age any definite statements, "I love him", huh? Here I am a little. A typical modern client request "about love" query about doubt: "I don't know if I love him." This man may be necessary, useful, respected, can live for many years, with him unable to have children. From it can completely depend on the material, it may be a wonderful spouse and parent. But to understand their feelings, usually not. Universal mental infantilization. Moreover, as the flip side of the wonderful qualities of the modern type of nurturing their independence, identity and God knows what kind of "self". In the end, everyone had such a generous personal space and such a reliable personal boundaries that cordon the mouse does not slip, not that other person! Declared private property for private space. What kind of "Love-not-can!!!"? It would, a loved one, not to lose.

UNDER ANESTHESIA the Emotional "pangs of love", which in the XIX century young men all lined up, now outlawed. There was a whole philosophy of "painless" love relationships: you should be comfortable with your partner, you don't have to strain. If something goes wrong – immediately send "walking on oxygen" and then, God forbid, will fly into a terrible and horrible addiction. Meanwhile, everyone who wanted to become dependent, for a long time already got to it and by the way, very nice to feel it, even if outwardly it looks not so attractive. Try people from the dependent relationship of the release – this could start. He will resist, persist. Because it understands implicitly that if he's such a "dependent" was formed, there were a number of reasons.

WHERE TO TAKE NORMAL? It is fair to admit that the "self-sufficient" individuals – the vast minority. In the majority of fully in mind all kinds of cockroaches, with whom, and will get along with their partners. So it would be "the, godfather, back," before singing all sorts of songs about how self-sufficient should be the people in the relationship. No wonder that in practice we have often to deal with the way people are almost deliberately pick up a partner under the already formed psychological issues or pathological features of the self. And then any promotion (recovery) faces the inevitable loss of relationships.

The FRAGILITY of DEBT Here is another interesting thing happened – the main "trendsetters" in the love and relationships suddenly became not writers, and psychologists. See the impact of the universal tendency towards professionalization and pragmatism. As a result of professional psychological trick – "blame both partner" – not simply eliminated all the guilt, but also all responsibility. It turned out that the most fragile in the relationship not love, but duty and obligation. Family ties have ceased to be such, and are treated more like bonds. They stopped turning people into family. Have you noticed that they are exposed to key attacks under the slogan "I'm not wasting my life on it!". "And don't need!"– approvingly assent of the representatives of the new philosophy. Why you husband is a loser? Why do you fat depressed forty-year old aunt? Where before we put the "plus" for fidelity, devotion, and other feminine virtues, now flaunts a bold psychological "minus" – what is it you're in it disappeared? How is it possible to sacrifice your life for family? You should have your own life! In General, intimacy as something completely has replaced the genital. And some abolished altogether. And all this against the background of mass loss of the ability for emotional connection, affection, which is now treated solely as a dependency. Who among us today dares to declare: "Yes, I without this person can not live!"so it didn't look inflated and theatrical?


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