Being an expert at the exit of the two, often going hand-in-hand, (in the sense that often they fell, and often gave), I am able to reply to people who comes to me for advice in such situations. So, I decided to write a manual to many times not to repeat all the same.
The root between these two States one unmet need. More often than not needs are met due to the fact that we're not in contact — we understand them, do not feel, do not know their language. And sometimes even if we understand — not believe himself worthy to satisfy them. That depression, emotional dependence on the relationship is in fact a "disease of deficiency". As stated in the Gestalt approach in psychology, a human being is a requirement of. And if any of the requirements can not find an answer, the person either will be up to vzbity foam to try to meet or prostiraetsya gonna lie down on your chest and crawled quietly whimpering in the bushes.
Man, being an open system, may not be fully Autonomous, it needs a constant exchange with the environment: he is forced to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide to obtain water and nutrients and allocate them in a revised form, as well as a person needs to give and receive human warmth, recognition, love. Without this exchange begins with either a depletion or congestion, or both.
I tend to think that love addiction (like all addictions) occurs as a response to the lack of fullness. The fullness of the life energy comes from the mass of sources, but when the man himself cut off from them, because they have forgotten how or never learned to hear the signals your body and subconscious, it creates a vacuum that requires filling. And, not hearing the voice of the true needs of the person comes up with the superficial things he's trying to satisfy hunger potrebnostey everything that is not nailed — food, mind-altering substances, work, people.
As depression comes as a frustration — when a person stops trying and gives up. Often both phases — the struggle for the fullness of those methods and refusal to fight constantly replace each other, as in manic-depressive disorder.
In principle, addicted to love, often based on illusions, but I have something to add to this. Not all needs can be replaced by others. By and large, neither demand can be replaced with prosthetic forever — sooner or later there will be frustration. For example, people often confuse the feeling of thirst with hunger.
And if the body needs water, but instead, we give him food, for some time the body will fall behind, because it is busy digesting food, but then still asks for water. And if long enough this need not satisfy, the body will go to the thirst signals to signals in the form of disease. For example, most often headache is a cry of the body "give me a drink!".
The need to receive and give love is a basic. It is at the very core of human nature, in the default settings. Moreover, in such edit which we have no administrative rights. This has to be considered. You can't push the need to close what you have full of interesting life events. I mean, some time it can be done, but need something still remains.
That need is sometimes painful, always has its reason and cannot simply be ignored. No interesting classes are not canceled the paradigm of choice of partner, laid in early, even preverbal, child — at the moment we don't even remember. What we don't realize what we are not in contact, has power over us, against which we are powerless. Whether we like it or not, but the most powerful triggers, release hooks) unconscious choice of a partner are qualities against which we internally rebelled when I was totally dependent on the people who looked after us. And if the most significant others in our childhood was cold and distant (or just — warm enough), then when we grow up, knees we will podkashivatsya from those who give us that familiar taste of rejection and of being abandoned. This is the hope to fix it. And as long as this deception of the subconscious will not be revealed (that is, we are not aware of this mechanism and will not enter into a long-term program of failure from such a scenario, we do not develop new habits), we will in the thrall of this unpleasant affect.
That is, projecting onto the partner of their parents or persons who performed their functions (it can even be Babysitting), we seek to "correct" another adult that these corrections work in General was not signed. The result is predictable: someone who changes themselves are not ordered, to change, most likely, will not. And all attempts to destroy another's happiness and to cause him the nod over breaking your own head. And these unconscious processes are so strong that we can even 24 hours a day to do super exciting things, but through these things we will think about how to format the man who is now in charge.
The only real option is to change — to heal the trauma of abandonment. And this is a good psychologist, owning non-verbal methods (those that are able to affect our "ancient brain" — the limbic system: body-oriented therapy, psychodrama, biodegradiruemye. In addition, even neprigotovlennoe bodily practices: osteopathy, yoga, rebalancing bodywork, visceral massage, Thai and Tibetan massage (ku nye), and the like. As well explained Wilhelm Reich and Alexander Lowen, unlived emotions imprinted in the form of blocks in the body: in muscles and other tissues. And, removing this tension, we release the blocked emotions, healing them.
From the point of view of neurophysiology, our susceptibility to stress depends on the quality of early care. The more we had body contact and a loving relationship with the mothers first, the more the brain is "accustomed" to serotonin and dopamine and better cope with the excretion of cortisol. If parents didn't protect us from the emotional turmoil and we did not receive attention, the level of cortisol becomes accustomed to a high. In adulthood the balance of neurotransmitters will be calibrated under the pattern that the brain was in its infancy. Simply put, the less love and care we received in childhood, the more we are prone to depression and less stress.
But, fortunately, not a sentence. Even if you have had emotionally distant parents, thanks to this wonderful quality of brain as neuroplasticity, You can change your neural circuits. If childhood was not easy, it just means that You will have several more work than those who were more fortunate. Non-verbal psychological techniques (verbal, of course, also useful because they help to establish connections between the cortex and the subcortex, which helps to better understand their feelings and to be in contact with them, and this is the first step to satisfaction), physical practices, meditation.
Personally helped me a lot technique of postpartum swaddling, which I did doula for almost 7 hours. Despite the fact that I gave birth 12 years ago, I did it as an experiment, and I can say that this will work for nulliparous does, and even for men.
In General, if very briefly, the way out of addiction and depression is through restoring contact with the senses as with the language of needs and through the satisfaction thereof.
Switch, willpower, whatever — if works, only temporarily. Just as the pain reliever only temporarily removes the symptom but does not solve the problem. Only by learning to recognize and identify feelings, and through them — to find out what are our main deficiencies, you can leave these phenomena altogether. published
Author: Olga Karchevskaya
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
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