My wife uses me as an ATM.

Screenshot from "The Other Woman"

In ru-psy often men, and I somehow developed a collective image of a typical “husband, father of the family” whose family something went wrong.

So, a typical complaint of a 35-year-old - "she does not appreciate me, does not understand and only uses as an ATM." A typical complaint of a 45-year-old is “I did everything for the family, and the children grew up, my wife went to work and wants a divorce.”

My first reaction to the ATM complaint is, man, how is she supposed to feel about you if you're acting like this -- well, like an ATM, anyway?

I'll explain. In our culture, money is often not discussed openly. This is such a “shadow” topic, touching on which, especially in the context of a love-to-coffin family, you risk once and for all being called a mercantile kyu. “Money is not the main thing, the main thing is the relationship,” we say, without realizing that money – it is just like sex, which is also not talked about – decides in a relationship a little more than everything. Well, I'm such a mercantile cu, counting luboff to mortal metal, yes.

When people get married, they are either more or less equal, or someone earns significantly more, and it is considered better if that person is a man. Even if (just let’s put aside the “daddy” millionaires and their contents, this is still an extreme and a game according to completely different rules). Take approximately the average family), so, even if a man earns several times more, before the birth of children and decree, a woman has some income, albeit small, even if she has enough only for lipstick, bras and cigarettes, but still she retains some illusion of independence. There are areas that the husband does not control, where she does not have to ask him for money.


Then a child is born, a woman for some time “sits on maternity leave”, and then it seems self-evident that the man will support her and the child. At the same time, the conditions of detention, the duration of the decree, the plan for leaving the decree and other details are very often not discussed. This is where the tyranny of the ATM begins.

Now I seriously believe that ATMs (not in the sense of a man, but in the sense of the iron deities of cashing out working hours) destroyed the classic patriarchal marriage. I'll explain. Let me repeat again: we are not talking about millionaires who operate with non-cash amounts, this is a special people, they have a different attitude. We are talking about an ordinary man who, in the days of our fathers and mothers, received a salary in cash, brought it home, put it in a nightstand, and then the family together decided how this “capital” they would distribute.

I remember my father being transferred to an electronic card service. It was the first time he felt that his entire salary was his. Not his wife, not his wife, but his personal. And that he can get as much money out of the ATM as he wants. And as much as he does not want, he may not get it. And how angry and cursed his mother at his question “how much money do you need?” That is, before we were – family, you work in the office, I am at home, the two of us are so comfortable, the money was – ours (ok, all the husbands of non-working wives always had their “stash”, but this is statistically insignificant value). Like our kids, home and everything. And now all of a sudden, the children, the house and everything are ours, and the money is yours? So my mom lost a lot of control over reality. Then there was the redistribution of territories, heated clarification, some consensus. Of course, my father’s salary stopped. But the spheres of influence were still poorly delimited.

Now I see a completely different picture. A man initially considers his entire salary to be his own. And puts the question in such a way that it is his personal money he spends on household, children, wife. And most often it is expressed in the form of “say how much you need for your particular need today.” That is, the wife does not know what the budget is, how much money she can count on, she does not participate in spending planning. All she can do is ask for some special occasions (even if that particular is “let’s go on holiday to the Maldives”) and wait for her husband’s decision. Basically, this is the attitude of the slave owner to the slave: you tell me about your need, and I decide whether I will satisfy it. Even if a man complains that he is trying very hard for his wife, fulfills all her whims, buys coats or expensive cars at her request, and does not deny her anything at all. He's just acting like a very generous gentleman, that's all.

Guys, just think about what you like right now, like the phrase "wife, I need pants." And your women have to say it many times in different ways and get lost, yes.

And so, the man gives his “non-working” wife money for underwear, food and fur coats, and considers himself a wonderful husband and family man who is “all for the family.” And in 10 years comes the "unexpected". Do you know what almost every slave dreams of? Well, let's be gentle, this relationship still resembles a father-child relationship, but any healthy teenager dreams of the same. Dembel. Freedom: making decisions, acting, planning for the future. The longer a woman does not work and “sits on the neck” of a man, the stronger this desire ripens in her – to separate, “grow up”, to stand on her feet. But there are some mental laws in these processes. If the husband firmly occupies the place of the parental figure in the head of the wife, they will be separated from him according to the child-parent scheme: they will find a job, feel the taste of “free life” and want to build relationships independent of the “father”. Hence, the problem of 45-year-olds grows: “I did everything for the family for many years, paid a mortgage, denied everything and did not deny my wife anything, and she went to work, stopped wearing the usual sweaters and jeans, bought expensive designer dresses (here I cried, the dude really expected that she would go to work with a gray mouse, so as not to upset Daddy, what?), lost all interest in me and wants a divorce and live with her employee.” Well, congratulations, the separation was a success, but "Girl" grew up around the same time as the youngest child.

How do I see the way out, huh? And the marriage contract, that's what it is. Oral at least. I believe that a couple before the birth of a child should have a clear understanding of how the budget will be built with one “breadwinner”. Despite the period of pink unicorns in the early years of marriage, it would be good for the couple to understand where the boundary of responsibility of each will pass. The agreed sums to be given to the wife on a monthly basis, rather than at the request of "buy panties". Her understanding of resource limitations and her responsibility for it. Joint budget planning. A rough idea of how a woman will leave the decree, how financial obligations to each other and responsibility for child care will be rebuilt in this process. How these things will gradually align.

Are you helpless at home and want your wife to stay home for a long time? Set her something like a "salary." Nevertheless, the relationship “employer – wage worker” is somewhat healthier and more equal than “the master and his slave”, from which it is easier to steer into an equal marriage, if anything, and the employer, in principle, can be loved, and the master – only tolerate and want to get rid of.

That's what I think. published P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!

Source: athen-a.livejournal.com/