383
We hate the kids is exactly what we don't afford
Ninety five million five hundred sixteen thousand four hundred twenty seven
Behavioral analysis helped us to understand the behavior of the eldest son. As it is not an ordinary child, the usual methods do not come to him. Just to talk – not working. You first have to understand, to realize, to build a hypothesis and then treating the cause.
Often he cannot Express what he feels, and then makes this strange or unacceptable by society way. And we deal with it. Looking for causes, consequences, incentives, response. Analyzed, dive, explore. This gives rise to reflections in different directions. And one more revelation I want to share with you.
It all started with the protest. The protest, which Dan again, didn't know how to Express. Form of protest he has, but he says he still isn't very good, the most commonly used tool is the hand. If he disagrees, he can slam on the back me or dad. Not painful, but unpleasant.
We worked with this behavior, looking for other forms of expression of anger, understand the causes, looking, as we reinforce the behavior. One of the tenets of behavioural analysis (as I understand it) — the child only uses what works best and what the parents of the brightest reaction. In this case, these POPs have always caused a storm of emotions among me and my husband. Fact itself. How dare you! On the mother hand raise! On his own father!
To eradicate the behavior, you need to change your reaction. But it is impossible. Registration for the aggression immediately, in the same moment. We worked very long with this, understood, accepted.
Began to think why, why such a violent reaction. And reminded of itself. Accidentally. What infuriates the kids what you yourself do not allow that you have the most blocked. All right. My mother was forbidden to be angry. My feelings never mattered, it was only her feelings, her resentment, her rights. And with your emotions – do what you want, but the framework does not come out. But how?
And who in childhood was mad at mom? Who was allowed to disagree with mom? Who had the right to their own opinion? Suddenly there are happy people. It was possible for her to be angry — it does not mean that you would have her clock was beaten and abused. Rather, you would have the opportunity when there is a quarrel to tell her that she's wrong, you're angry that you don't agree. To say openly, as do very young children: "I don't love you anymore!"— and slam the door. And do it not only in three years, when many children do, but in ten, fifteen, and twenty-five.
Such phrases are very painful wound a parent's heart even if you know it's momentary. Therefore, from early childhood to the kid prohibits such a mother to say. As well as "I hate you", "you're wrong", "you're stupid". And if you tell, mommy will get upset, offended and will cease to communicate with you, beat them, cease to love, live or die. Overall, not a very bright Outlook.
I remember when I was at placement, on a chair sat the girls who have a mother like all is well. They quietly – too quietly spoke about mom. In their voice there was no love, no hatred, and the most frequent word was "normal". And then their deputies already in the works showed the whole body not just anger, but hatred. Huge burning hatred. And when the girls saw it, they were very bad. Because it is wrong to treat the mother. Ashamed, guilty, awful.
And we just don't understand one thing. There is a difference between feelings and attitude. Feelings are momentary reaction. That is, you walked at night in the dark, fell on his leg iron. Appeared momentary feeling of pain and relationship to the iron – "would have killed!". The attitude is a common background. You then do not feel hatred for the irons around the clock. Although if you have, as I have a complicated relationship with the Ironing, your relationship to the iron may not be the most fun.
We have considered the inadmissibility of angry parents. And then I remember the Bible, "Honor your father and mother". But in practice it turns out that for a long time podavlenii anger kills the General background of love and turns all the relations in quiet hatred. Suppress momentary anger and disagreement poison the whole atmosphere, gradually killing all the good internal relationship with parents. He's like a drop of tar in a barrel of honey. This honey is tainted, is impossible. Although fly just a drop.
That is denying myself and my children to have a negative momentary emotions and reactions, we thus poisoning their lives and breaking up, freeze his heart. And all because their parents do not get angry, unacceptable.
The approach is absurd. If you love your husband — does this mean that you had it not angry? Does this mean that you would never tell him that a fool and wrong? Still as you say, still as angry, when he's not doing what you expected of him. And this is a natural reaction of an ordinary person.
Even take the same parent-child relationship on the contrary. Parents are often angry with their children, swear at them, call them stupid, and sometimes other words. Does this mean that they are his children, not like? Why is it possible, despite the fact that they are older and need to protect the child? And why does a child, whose psyche is fragile and imperfect, it is impossible? He feelings can not work at all. He has two options – to show or suppress. There is no third.
And why not be mad at mom? Parents, much deprived of the child, limit raise. How can we not angry? If walking is impossible, the TV is impossible, and your friends are bad people? Or decades the child in our opinion should have the reflection to do? A three year old? He's even in the hot pot of soup to get into is not given and ice cream during a sore throat is forbidden! He did not agree with this, he has other plans for the day, he really needs to get into this socket and turn the glass of tea. Vital. But do not give. What emotion arises from momentary?
For example, I was forbidden to assume that the mother is wrong. She was always right in everything. Although sometimes could not even explain why so and not otherwise. And law was even where it was just me. And once I was very angry for her eternal innocence and called her a fool got hit in the face. I still do, though with a different emotional colour, though this would have to go through a lot. And from the mom's point of view it is again the right – not the same as a mother to talk! And from the point of view of me as a child? I not only did not hear, did not understand, still my feelings are condemned and physically humiliated.
This many years later I can relive this and other episodes to release those feelings, predicate and to forgive, to accept, to love mother. And then all I could do was close it and hate it. Collecting these little humiliation and resentment to poison your heart. Because feelings on the inside, they are. But they are banned. With my mother so you can't talk. Be mad at the mother can not. If you're a mother angry – you monster!
And lived, trying to escape from the inner pain, hiding the anger and hatred. The only way was to disable all of the senses. When and hate can not, but to love, too. Indifference, which in some places was sickening. But that indifference is saved in that moment from a great flood of anger. As the dam on rough river. Saved – for some time.
And once the abscess has burst, the dam burst. I remember how I cried – more than one week. And every evening my husband told told. Sometimes the same, sometimes different. Writing letters, screaming, beating pillows, crying, beating the walls, tore the pictures, pounded the bed, thrashed in the water, screaming, crying... Well, that at that moment my mother and I have lived far away from each other. I was able to afford to live it all, to get the poison out of your heart. To live all his anger, to accept this hatred, to learn to love mom anew. Otherwise. On the present.
Yes, parents give us a lot. Yes, our debt is unpayable. Yes, they are older and they need to read. Need important, incredibly important. But. Does this mean that they are always right and we have no right to be angry? They are not gods, so you're not perfect. Make mistakes, are wrong. And we have the right to be disagree with this. Have the right to their own feelings. As our children have the right to disagree with us. Have the immediate right to be mad at us. Have a right to your feelings and emotions.
And our parents are not to blame. They are in the same situation – they, too, could not have their feelings. Especially post-war children who have seen how difficult it is for a mother to feed them and live their loss. They also were not allowed to have to the parents of the other senses except as permitted. They can say that the mother is the mother, but about love is not mentioned even once. They too are frozen, emotionally disabled. It is also not easy. His disagreement, we just activate them in anger. From the fact that they currently do not allow. I'd like to.
It's okay to be angry with a loved one – to live a momentary irritation or anger. It is normal to have these feelings. If you give them a place they go instantly, leaving no trace in the heart. Sometimes you don't even need to do anything or say – just recognize them inside and predicate. Sometimes easy enough to say – I'm very, very angry. And if it does go off something and injured close, it's okay to apologize, to admit they were wrong, to apologize. This is normal. And the dictates of "I'm a parent, I'm right and you, child, my silent slave without the right to be wrong" — leads to hate.
The problem is in regard to the feelings of anger, very forbidden and difficult. We have something in the mind of anger is always some kind of tragedy, a huge concert, a war with lots of victims, the screams, the fight. No. It's just the aggression that had been holding back. The trickle that had accumulated and became a great river. At this point it is destructive, destructive, but is impossible to stop it. And accumulated anger sweeps the way of all our relationships, all the love. Erases all the good that happened between us and there. Relationship turns to hell, although there was a lot of other, real, sincere, good.
I want to summarize. In my experience and of my friends, customers, if you were forbidden to get angry at the parents and be with them disagree, it may have the following consequences (the list is certainly not complete):
It is not necessary to turn it into a fight his entire life, how many of us have already made. Respect for parents is not mean to consider them right in everything. Respect is to be grateful for all you have given. To begin to respect, you need to see all of what you received from them. But if you eyes are blinded by a background of hate and struggle – you can't see anything. Nothing.
To love with all my heart the parents first need to recognize which feelings for him living in me now. Even if it's embarrassing and painful. Say to yourself – Yes, I hate my mother. Or – yeah, I'm indifferent to it, I feel sorry for her, but no more. Or – yeah, I don't want to have anything to do with it. Yes, I'm ashamed of her, afraid you despise…
Such internal recognition of itself, will allow you to exhale. And stop itself to prove that you are a good daughter and mother love. Let be honest at least with yourself, and this is a huge relief. After all, to deceive others is not as difficult as years constantly lie to yourself. Such self-deception always ends sad. And although in this case the truth is painful and difficult, it gives the path of liberation. You can see it in their ointment tar and remove it. Then you will see how much of honey in your barrel. How much good was there in your relationship with your parents, how much they gave you. And gratitude is the first step to love and warm relations. At least inside you, in your heart. And who knows, maybe in the external manifestation of that will change. Transformation always begins with the heart.
And the day will come when your child will tell you: "I don't love you anymore!"or, "Mother, you fool!"and it will not cause anger. Pain – Yes. But you will understand it and forgive at the same moment. If you learn to allow the child to experience all the feelings that rage in him. Although if you learn this, most likely, the child will never have to say such a hurting heart words. And why – if it are considered, it is received and understood? published
Author: Olga Valyaeva, Chapter from the book "destiny to be a mother"
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/imeet-li-rebenok-pravo-ne-lyubit-roditelej/
Behavioral analysis helped us to understand the behavior of the eldest son. As it is not an ordinary child, the usual methods do not come to him. Just to talk – not working. You first have to understand, to realize, to build a hypothesis and then treating the cause.
Often he cannot Express what he feels, and then makes this strange or unacceptable by society way. And we deal with it. Looking for causes, consequences, incentives, response. Analyzed, dive, explore. This gives rise to reflections in different directions. And one more revelation I want to share with you.
It all started with the protest. The protest, which Dan again, didn't know how to Express. Form of protest he has, but he says he still isn't very good, the most commonly used tool is the hand. If he disagrees, he can slam on the back me or dad. Not painful, but unpleasant.
We worked with this behavior, looking for other forms of expression of anger, understand the causes, looking, as we reinforce the behavior. One of the tenets of behavioural analysis (as I understand it) — the child only uses what works best and what the parents of the brightest reaction. In this case, these POPs have always caused a storm of emotions among me and my husband. Fact itself. How dare you! On the mother hand raise! On his own father!
To eradicate the behavior, you need to change your reaction. But it is impossible. Registration for the aggression immediately, in the same moment. We worked very long with this, understood, accepted.
Began to think why, why such a violent reaction. And reminded of itself. Accidentally. What infuriates the kids what you yourself do not allow that you have the most blocked. All right. My mother was forbidden to be angry. My feelings never mattered, it was only her feelings, her resentment, her rights. And with your emotions – do what you want, but the framework does not come out. But how?
And who in childhood was mad at mom? Who was allowed to disagree with mom? Who had the right to their own opinion? Suddenly there are happy people. It was possible for her to be angry — it does not mean that you would have her clock was beaten and abused. Rather, you would have the opportunity when there is a quarrel to tell her that she's wrong, you're angry that you don't agree. To say openly, as do very young children: "I don't love you anymore!"— and slam the door. And do it not only in three years, when many children do, but in ten, fifteen, and twenty-five.
Such phrases are very painful wound a parent's heart even if you know it's momentary. Therefore, from early childhood to the kid prohibits such a mother to say. As well as "I hate you", "you're wrong", "you're stupid". And if you tell, mommy will get upset, offended and will cease to communicate with you, beat them, cease to love, live or die. Overall, not a very bright Outlook.
I remember when I was at placement, on a chair sat the girls who have a mother like all is well. They quietly – too quietly spoke about mom. In their voice there was no love, no hatred, and the most frequent word was "normal". And then their deputies already in the works showed the whole body not just anger, but hatred. Huge burning hatred. And when the girls saw it, they were very bad. Because it is wrong to treat the mother. Ashamed, guilty, awful.
And we just don't understand one thing. There is a difference between feelings and attitude. Feelings are momentary reaction. That is, you walked at night in the dark, fell on his leg iron. Appeared momentary feeling of pain and relationship to the iron – "would have killed!". The attitude is a common background. You then do not feel hatred for the irons around the clock. Although if you have, as I have a complicated relationship with the Ironing, your relationship to the iron may not be the most fun.
We have considered the inadmissibility of angry parents. And then I remember the Bible, "Honor your father and mother". But in practice it turns out that for a long time podavlenii anger kills the General background of love and turns all the relations in quiet hatred. Suppress momentary anger and disagreement poison the whole atmosphere, gradually killing all the good internal relationship with parents. He's like a drop of tar in a barrel of honey. This honey is tainted, is impossible. Although fly just a drop.
That is denying myself and my children to have a negative momentary emotions and reactions, we thus poisoning their lives and breaking up, freeze his heart. And all because their parents do not get angry, unacceptable.
The approach is absurd. If you love your husband — does this mean that you had it not angry? Does this mean that you would never tell him that a fool and wrong? Still as you say, still as angry, when he's not doing what you expected of him. And this is a natural reaction of an ordinary person.
Even take the same parent-child relationship on the contrary. Parents are often angry with their children, swear at them, call them stupid, and sometimes other words. Does this mean that they are his children, not like? Why is it possible, despite the fact that they are older and need to protect the child? And why does a child, whose psyche is fragile and imperfect, it is impossible? He feelings can not work at all. He has two options – to show or suppress. There is no third.
And why not be mad at mom? Parents, much deprived of the child, limit raise. How can we not angry? If walking is impossible, the TV is impossible, and your friends are bad people? Or decades the child in our opinion should have the reflection to do? A three year old? He's even in the hot pot of soup to get into is not given and ice cream during a sore throat is forbidden! He did not agree with this, he has other plans for the day, he really needs to get into this socket and turn the glass of tea. Vital. But do not give. What emotion arises from momentary?
For example, I was forbidden to assume that the mother is wrong. She was always right in everything. Although sometimes could not even explain why so and not otherwise. And law was even where it was just me. And once I was very angry for her eternal innocence and called her a fool got hit in the face. I still do, though with a different emotional colour, though this would have to go through a lot. And from the mom's point of view it is again the right – not the same as a mother to talk! And from the point of view of me as a child? I not only did not hear, did not understand, still my feelings are condemned and physically humiliated.
This many years later I can relive this and other episodes to release those feelings, predicate and to forgive, to accept, to love mother. And then all I could do was close it and hate it. Collecting these little humiliation and resentment to poison your heart. Because feelings on the inside, they are. But they are banned. With my mother so you can't talk. Be mad at the mother can not. If you're a mother angry – you monster!
And lived, trying to escape from the inner pain, hiding the anger and hatred. The only way was to disable all of the senses. When and hate can not, but to love, too. Indifference, which in some places was sickening. But that indifference is saved in that moment from a great flood of anger. As the dam on rough river. Saved – for some time.
And once the abscess has burst, the dam burst. I remember how I cried – more than one week. And every evening my husband told told. Sometimes the same, sometimes different. Writing letters, screaming, beating pillows, crying, beating the walls, tore the pictures, pounded the bed, thrashed in the water, screaming, crying... Well, that at that moment my mother and I have lived far away from each other. I was able to afford to live it all, to get the poison out of your heart. To live all his anger, to accept this hatred, to learn to love mom anew. Otherwise. On the present.
Yes, parents give us a lot. Yes, our debt is unpayable. Yes, they are older and they need to read. Need important, incredibly important. But. Does this mean that they are always right and we have no right to be angry? They are not gods, so you're not perfect. Make mistakes, are wrong. And we have the right to be disagree with this. Have the right to their own feelings. As our children have the right to disagree with us. Have the immediate right to be mad at us. Have a right to your feelings and emotions.
And our parents are not to blame. They are in the same situation – they, too, could not have their feelings. Especially post-war children who have seen how difficult it is for a mother to feed them and live their loss. They also were not allowed to have to the parents of the other senses except as permitted. They can say that the mother is the mother, but about love is not mentioned even once. They too are frozen, emotionally disabled. It is also not easy. His disagreement, we just activate them in anger. From the fact that they currently do not allow. I'd like to.
It's okay to be angry with a loved one – to live a momentary irritation or anger. It is normal to have these feelings. If you give them a place they go instantly, leaving no trace in the heart. Sometimes you don't even need to do anything or say – just recognize them inside and predicate. Sometimes easy enough to say – I'm very, very angry. And if it does go off something and injured close, it's okay to apologize, to admit they were wrong, to apologize. This is normal. And the dictates of "I'm a parent, I'm right and you, child, my silent slave without the right to be wrong" — leads to hate.
The problem is in regard to the feelings of anger, very forbidden and difficult. We have something in the mind of anger is always some kind of tragedy, a huge concert, a war with lots of victims, the screams, the fight. No. It's just the aggression that had been holding back. The trickle that had accumulated and became a great river. At this point it is destructive, destructive, but is impossible to stop it. And accumulated anger sweeps the way of all our relationships, all the love. Erases all the good that happened between us and there. Relationship turns to hell, although there was a lot of other, real, sincere, good.
I want to summarize. In my experience and of my friends, customers, if you were forbidden to get angry at the parents and be with them disagree, it may have the following consequences (the list is certainly not complete):
- Your relationship with your parents can be either indifferent and aloof, or hysterical – the closeness, the huge fight. In any case, it is impossible to be close, to be together.
- You automatically have problems with this feeling – a sense of anger in all situations. The inability to Express it adequately, to accept yourself. Conflict – to remain silent or to be rude and shout. There is no middle.
- You may have a problem with a sense of dignity – what dignity when I was so ungrateful and nasty daughter!
- It may be difficult to Express their desires, needs, it's hard to ask for help and do anything
- You may be still as protest against parents. Will do out of spite, not necessarily the way they did and not the way they want.
- You can drain the negativity on their children without even noticing.
- You can have a constant guilt that you're an ungrateful asshole. Anger is something inside there, and parents have to accept and respect!
- You can't let your kids be angry with you. And when they do it — you can't stand.
It is not necessary to turn it into a fight his entire life, how many of us have already made. Respect for parents is not mean to consider them right in everything. Respect is to be grateful for all you have given. To begin to respect, you need to see all of what you received from them. But if you eyes are blinded by a background of hate and struggle – you can't see anything. Nothing.
To love with all my heart the parents first need to recognize which feelings for him living in me now. Even if it's embarrassing and painful. Say to yourself – Yes, I hate my mother. Or – yeah, I'm indifferent to it, I feel sorry for her, but no more. Or – yeah, I don't want to have anything to do with it. Yes, I'm ashamed of her, afraid you despise…
Such internal recognition of itself, will allow you to exhale. And stop itself to prove that you are a good daughter and mother love. Let be honest at least with yourself, and this is a huge relief. After all, to deceive others is not as difficult as years constantly lie to yourself. Such self-deception always ends sad. And although in this case the truth is painful and difficult, it gives the path of liberation. You can see it in their ointment tar and remove it. Then you will see how much of honey in your barrel. How much good was there in your relationship with your parents, how much they gave you. And gratitude is the first step to love and warm relations. At least inside you, in your heart. And who knows, maybe in the external manifestation of that will change. Transformation always begins with the heart.
And the day will come when your child will tell you: "I don't love you anymore!"or, "Mother, you fool!"and it will not cause anger. Pain – Yes. But you will understand it and forgive at the same moment. If you learn to allow the child to experience all the feelings that rage in him. Although if you learn this, most likely, the child will never have to say such a hurting heart words. And why – if it are considered, it is received and understood? published
Author: Olga Valyaeva, Chapter from the book "destiny to be a mother"
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/imeet-li-rebenok-pravo-ne-lyubit-roditelej/