Fear and joy of solitude

© Sarolta Ban

Loneliness is inevitable, but awareness and acceptance of this fact brings freedom

Loneliness is a scary thing. So, at least, it is usually perceived.

To be completely alone, without friends, without loved ones, without relatives is one of the most terrible pictures for most people. To stay with no one's attention, without emotional empathy, without the support of family, without public recognition, and to die unknown and unnoticed — is this not a nightmare?

In our society built on the principle of social competition, to be alone means to lose. And society takes care that there were no losers, encouraging all possible means to expand and strengthen social contacts. State, religious and professional events, entertainment events, sporting competitions, social programs, television, the Internet — all to bring people together and create the illusion of a community.

Indeed, when the circle is full of people and all the fun of a Joker, quite hard to maintain the sense of separation. When friends call you by your name, favorite whisper tender words, colleagues admire your abilities, and enemies should be afraid, where here a place for anxiety? If there are so many people who accept your existence, isn't it eliminates the problem of loneliness? This people and tend to surround myself with caring and in this find peace.

But let's look a little deeper. What is so terrified of being alone or even a simple minute of privacy? What's scary to be alone? Why is no busy time causes depression and fatigue? Those who are somewhat familiar with psychology, the answer may seem obvious, but don't jump to conclusions — the simple answer is the problem lies deeper.

Fear of being alone

All of us are overwhelmed with anxiety. No matter how well we've settled in this life, it does not guarantee peace. Behind the external successes and achievements, generally hidden failures and defeats internal. The study and solution of mental problems we have not honored as much more important are considered the achievements of the social — creative, professional, and political. The field of mental behind the scenes or at least recedes far into the background.

The inevitable consequence of this state of Affairs becomes permanent internal stress, the dissatisfaction, their lives, their actions or their absence. Many questions left unanswered. A huge number of problems, which I do not want to take. The pain of loss and lost opportunities, lack of sense and understanding your path in life. All of it creates inside your personal hell.

This tangle of issues and questions constantly reminds himself. It should be in silence, and all the demons of your soul crawl on the surface. From them some time you can dismiss — the inner thick skin to withstand a small dose of solitude. But it is necessary to cross the pain threshold or to remove the protection and even the most confident in their independence people will cry bitter tears.

Why are we so afraid of solitude. We constantly need external stimuli to distract attention from internal experiences. If the TV is on loud enough it can drown out the voices of the soul. And the same effect and give a friendly drinking, holidays, cultural events, work and everything that we love to take their time.

This is the second layer of the problem of loneliness. It is quite obvious and easily comes to the surface a careful look at yourself and your life. The restlessness and lack of confidence make us to build their "social network" and take all my free time these classes, which create a sense of meaningfulness of our existence. The rest, which should be perfectly natural, becomes the most intimidating... but that's not all.

The horror of loneliness

We are taught to believe that it is possible a real friendship that you can meet your soul mate that you can find among people my soul mate and that it will deliver us from loneliness. Tales of love, friendship and understanding suckle children, turning to them these concepts in the basic criterion of personal happiness.

But loneliness can not be cured with other people. The best friend, the closest and native person, however much and sincerely he'd never be able to share our world. We are alone, and alone is inevitable.

Not in the world of the man who would understand and heard. Whoever assured us otherwise — it's just an illusion. Similarly, our confidence in the understanding of family, is only self-deception. Each of us is entirely alone in his own isolated world.

We may think that we all live on the same planet and breathe the same air, but who said that we all see the same world? After all, no one ever looked at the world through the eyes of strangers. Maybe a blue sky, which I used in the nervous system of another person is perceived quite differently. Maybe if someone's brain to lay the "program" of my personality, I do not know the world?

From the first glimpses of consciousness, the child is taught what a spoon is a spoon. But as the spoon perceives the child? No one knows and no one is interested. It just taught to call a certain complex of perceptions "spoon". It's just such a deal, that one and the same piece of the external world referred to by the same word.

The power of agreement is so great that over time, the forest disappears behind the trees. The world of direct experiences into the world of words and labels. And since we all use the same language, it seems to us that the world we perceive more or less equally. But where the grounds for such a conclusion?

If you imagine people in the form of computers, it will not be accustomed to our eyes range colored from outside and the same inside the pee-pee-NIS. Each person is unique system at the hardware level. There are some General principles in architecture, but the Central computing processor for everybody.

Doctors say that the brain of all people are more or less the same, but just a matter of localization of function, whereas the mechanism of execution of these functions is not known to anyone. Every person has its own unique neural network that formed in response to accommodation individual lives in individual terms.

In the process of learning in the brain is laid program interpretations, which allows to smooth out the differences in perception of the world between unique nervous systems, but the perception remains the same. Each person continues to see his own world, and implanted the program eventually begins to consider himself. So can one such program to understand the other and to relieve feelings of loneliness?

If you are not sure the same perception even of the tangible objects, how can we rely on the understanding of the emotional experiences of another person?... and it is exactly what we are looking for.

Or here's another perspective on the same problem. When we try to understand the other person, what we rely on? If we with the best of intentions trying to help the person make the decision in a controversial situation, can we really help it?

What do we know about our closest people, except that they found it necessary to tell? What we can know about another person and how can we understand if you do not see the world through his eyes? We are all unique and how we try to understand the other person and his situation, we will never see the full picture, which unfolds before him, so all our "understanding" is illusory.

This problem psychologists face every time the patient asks whether the right was one or the other his act. How could a psychologist know it!? How one person can judge the rightness or wrongness of the actions of another person, if he does not know all the conditions of the problem? Each situation is unique, each person is unique, how then can you can judge the actions of another person?

Same with the escape from loneliness. How can I solve the problem of loneliness for another person? Or how another person can get rid of loneliness for me? No... We can only help each other to forget and to be forgotten.

Kindred spirits, which we occasionally meet, is just that — people who help us to hide from the problems so well that they seem like they're created especially for us. Our second half is just a reflection of our neuroses in the neuroses of the other person. It is not surprising that such people can best help us to escape from feelings of loneliness and mental turmoil. And the more we appreciate them for it.

But this is only an attempt to escape from prison, which we consider his life. Instead embrace your uniqueness, we continue to wish for the impossible, the community and unity with other people. And here it is the horror of existence — doomed to loneliness.

The joy and happiness of solitude

But I am afraid of hell? If loneliness is our inalienable property, whether it is so afraid of? Yes, no one will never understand, no one will share the joys and sorrows of our existence, so what? The realization of my loneliness is not a tragedy, it is a reason to abandon the illusions and to stop, finally, to cling to other people.

A child needs those who will ensure its survival, but then we grow up — why do we continue life to rely on other people? A grown man he can handle with all its troubles. Life never poses unsolvable problems — so why not try your hand?

Awareness of its uniqueness and the fact that he will never be near a person who you fully understand, brings strange feelings. First, it gets a tiny bit sad. To live life alone — the idea, at least, unusual. But soon a strange feeling of freedom — no longer make sense to seek someone else's understanding, there is no more sense to prove his innocence, there is no more reason to suffer from loneliness, there's no reason to feel guilty for not understanding their loved ones.

Relationships with people, if you look at them the solutions to their mental problems, and takes a huge amount of effort. Always have someone to represent yourself, to be good, well-mannered, courteous, or, conversely, to posturing, to portray the discontent to demand attention, to manipulate all these games are important only when there is hope for someone else's appreciation and understanding. But when there's no more faith in the opinions of others about yourself, what's the point in these games? Why not save your strength?

In natural state, disappears interest in other people. If someone else's praise or someone else's criticism doesn't count anymore, what's the point to take it seriously? If someone else support can't really support, what is the point to look for her? If someone else's discontent generated by the subjective reality of that person, then what is the point of excuses?

Left alone with all the world — for itself. I don't owe anyone anything, and I did not have one. I'm normal the way I am, and all the other normal, whatever they were. Live and let live — the happiness and joy of solitude. And this is freedom.

p. s.
Anticipating a likely question, I would say — awareness and acceptance of my loneliness does not lead to asceticism. Changing only the point of support where previously you had to search for the love, support and understanding from the outside, now can only rely on himself. This can change the social circle, as many discover, from this position, lose meaning. But it does not prevent to make new acquaintances on the basis of sincere mutual interest. published

Author: Oleg Satov

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: satway.ru/articles/fear-and-joy-of-loneliness/