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In the case of a love of manipulation we can identify two common scenarios due to which shaken the heart of man, and the man becomes a puppet manipulator.
Let's try to understand how from such to defend (other than to pump in resources).
First of all, it is important to understand how important equal, subject relations, as they are a reliable protection against manipulation.
Equal treatment is in the treatment of, for example, Bern — the relationship of the "adult-adult", when none of the participants relationships does not seek to take any parental role or position of the child. With the actual equal treatment of manipulation is practically impossible, the person retains the maximum adequacy, and its center remains there.
All demonic effects, all the effects of possession (when a person does not belong): ambivalence, identity, suggestibility, out of balance, loss of control — all this happens when the center person moves, and he loses the adequacy of the perception of the situation.
Shifting the center not only during the procedure. On the contrary, manipulations, as such, begins only after the center has shifted. If the partner is not a manipulator, and the most sincere person in the world, offset partner will still be created in the partner ambivalent vortex and status obsession, light or heavy, depending on how shifted the center. That is, the manipulators themselves another center does not shift, although they may create a situation in which people are prone to bias center, loses his balance, and then they have to foster this non-equilibrium state by means of manipulation. That is, they can report an already existing dynamics of the additional pulses.
Remember how it looks.
Adjusting the bottom of the manipulator makes it clear to the victim that she was his leader, occupies a subordinate position, heed, perhaps raptured, open (or convincingly looking like this).
Who carried on such an adjustment? Not always power-hungry people, sometimes too neurotic perceiving someone else's admiration – as a pretext to immediately surround the person with attention and respect, to urgently lift from the knees. Just power-hungry people can look from the top down rather indifferent, because obedience to anyone they do not touches. In order to adapt the bottom to the power-hungry man manipulators use the course "conflict – obedience", when first a man challenge, and only after a small (or big) fights, inferior to him.
Caught on much faster fine-tuning of the bottom-people with giperatidnosti and the defender, the rescuer, the elder brother. These are usually believe that if one looks at them from the bottom up, this person needs protection and assistance, and to reject it is to do bad. In ordinary life, such people often come into imbalance-plus, and then often move down in the negative. And if they got the arm moving out definitely, and quickly.
But why not to bring themselves to the poor? Aren't people supposed to help others seeking protection from? Necessarily, to measure the forces. However, intimacy – relationship for equal and just. Any help from above, guardianship, supervision is carried out only at a distance, and only in a very clear regulation, with the compulsory respect of the person and their own, respecting the chain of command. To merge with the person who took the bottom position, always (!!) fraught with displaced centre.
Please understand that thought, or to read posts about manipulators is useless, maybe even harmful. The main principle of open and clear interaction in terms of intimacy, and especially the intimacy (sexual, physical, tactile) is equality (equal responsibility, equal power, equal investments). Unequal close relationship always lead to disasters. Unequal relationships in life can be and even should be (teacher-student, boss-subordinate), but maintime, by preserving the edges, without the merger, pursuing a specific, to some extent, the ultimate goal.
Therefore, for the therapist and client are prohibited and excluded any sexual relationship, even just friendship involving intimacy outside of the rules of therapy, especially sexual. This not only prevents the client (although in the first place), but also the therapist. A lot of victims of therapists, a lot is written about this books, especially in the United States as the therapist for allowing the merger (even without sex, just noticed the border crossing) was the victim of a client and was brought to a very sorry state. Customers from the merger with a therapist suffer more often.
Unequal close relationship generate manipulators, even where both were initially sincere. And if in unequal relations got a real manipulator, he will subordinate the second and uses, taking away everything that can be taken away. And does not care, bottom aligned to the manipulator or above.
Most naive people (especially these include men) think podstraivalsya bottom woman is easier to control. This visibility. Control depends not on position but from the real power. And not always more power is the one who is technically on top. Power is the one who was able to plunge into the second great emotional dependence to get their hands on the levers for manipulation. People will use these tools consciously or unconsciously or not at all will use, depends on the person. However, the temptation to take advantage would be very great, and will create a reservoir of provocations. Will be created by a field of unequal relations!
Nikita has achieved that Faith is used (just used, did not in total dependence, yet could easily break) to the comfort he was giving her, and began to manipulate its upper position. The top is very easy to go into negative (formally continuing to be the top, that is, ordering, screaming, demanding, threatening, like a Woman with a rolling pin that has lost the real power Nymphs) because he feels that he has control. And you lot have written about it. At the top the illusion of control, although in reality it is only responsibility but not power.
Power is determined only by the measure of dependence both. Because of the illusion of control pseudo-top-starts all the time to watch, to think, to prevent the actions lower. Please note! Faith became dependent not because of the comfort that gave her Nikita, and the fact that he tried to provide comfort with control. No comfort and no fun — the reason for the dependence of man, and the fact that it is attempting to assign an external source of buzz that doesn't belong to him.
In equal relationships, each tries to respect the right of another to their own choices, their own actions (as difficult as it is sometimes), and it closes to manipulate the path, at least substantially interferes to manipulate, even if I wanted. In case of unequal relations, the top thinks he's flying lower, but if the real power is already small (its more of emotional attachment, at least a little more), he himself becomes the victim of his top roles. He's trying to take responsibility for the situation, solve it, give the order to follow the implementation very quickly becomes a horse that pulls all on itself. Who should be more, he is dragging, isn't it? At work it often happens, too, but the work — a separate issue. In the love and the unequal relations it always happens.
That is, in the dependence of Faith came when Nikita made her try to control (constantly to think, to question, inspect, monitor, track, questioning) without these levers of control (because he was Nelubin). It happened gradually, but it caused Faith a growing dependence, it was forced to move him to the center of the field, in fact to transfer the center of it, continuing to remain in the illusion that she controls the situation.
Attacks of rage is a mandatory outcome for someone who cannot manage the situation, but I'm sure that must capable.
Kurt Lewin conducted brilliant experiments to prove that the anger, rage, passion span of a man is not when he doesn't get what he wants, the majority responds to this with sadness, not anger. Anger seizes a person, if it should take, but some annoying little thing prevents him from doing, although he definitely. Anger is drawn in the direction of the minor obstacles, the little things(!) but not in the way any obstacles. If a barrier is considered to be objectively serious, then anger not.
Once again, this is the most important, if we want to talk about is violence, emotional and physical, in a relationship. Anger and aggression arise from a strong man, not when he gets something, and then when he was sure that he could easily obtain, but some little thing prevented. A trifle drawn the wrath to wipe it off the face of the earth. A serious impediment anger does not even arise. Kurt Lewin it is proved and convincingly argued.
In equal relationship, the person recognizes that the right second serious obstacle for getting them from him personally just what I want. Therefore, he is capable of dialogue, he is able to convince, to persuade, and if failed, to accept and live with, he may be trying to find a compromise. In an unequal relationship top who have lost real power, but do not understand it, seeing that he could not achieve because of the annoying barriers that is overcome with anger almost always. He feels that the power and responsibility in his hands, therefore, encountering resistance, and rushes to the barrier even if the barrier is man himself. Kurt Lewin proved that even balanced and peaceful people have a threshold after which begin to destroy the stupid, ridiculous obstacle. But if the obstacle is considered they are not stupid, and objectively important, respected, not even hot-tempered people.
We don't judge people for the affect the affect the person could not control. But he can build a relationship that will not give him the opportunity to experience the passion of "self-will" partner (for this you just need to recognize the equal will and responsibility). The affect is different from a deliberate aggression what causes ex post facto attacks of fear and remorse, guilt and misunderstanding, as it happened. The aggressor, coming out of passion, ready to any compensation, and it is actively used by manipulators. And conscious aggressor does not regret and feels right (not just justified, not to worry, and really believes and is willing to repeat). Conscious aggressor in relations with the Roma women. And Faith – victim of passion because of the very distorted field relations (full responsibility and the illusion of power with zero power in reality).
Here is another illustration of such distortion of power and responsibility, plus the stories of Faith and Nikita. This time Ira and one man, whom I will call Igor.
Irina was young and not yet able to manipulate men, staying in their comfort zone (not bringing them to anger and shock, not risking the head), what she's learned later. Beauty especially bright, it was not different never, ever considered myself normal in appearance, but "sexy as hell", always knew that can bring any man to desire to crawl after her, but only on the condition that this man would be at her disposal and will be with her to have sex many times. That is quick to seduce the Ira could not, she became acquainted with the men, impression high quality. And if you somehow managed to create a situation to continue Dating and keep a man longer to chat with her (IRE was required imagination), he then fell in love. And Ira was missing those men could not immediately spin at the beginning of the novel.
Igor she grazed for a long time, came on to him, she called, got the bounce in the form of "I'm busy, call back" without the chimes, imposed upon, pursued (not rudely, of course, not intensely, taking breaks, sometimes a month) but it was a common tactic of the Ira. Which then it always was on hand when a man was in love. After all, he could not forget how the Ira humiliated as he rejected her and all her antics then viewed through it.
To Igor it, in the end, managed to crawl up, but he still scoffed at her. Apparently, he change his wife did not like the man was conscientious, and maybe even loving, so he decided for himself that if Irina as a little humiliating, it is not treason, but "itself imposed, could not refuse, I'm a man." That is, not being a cold-blooded power-hungry monster (as Roma), he became that role to play. And it is very expensive costs. However, monsters will cost more, but differently.
More than Igor did whatever on Ira (e.g., forced her to drive if she wants to see him, and then reported that she was late for 10 minutes and leave) the more he became attached. He was not an evil man, but for some reason they built it (it is clear why: to compensate for the guilt to his wife in their conscience and not be so available for Ira's). However, after spending a long time with Ira, yielding all her magic (literally, and some secrets then tell you) charm, he fell in love and to strengthen love, of course, contributed to the fact that he had long been in a relationship in the position of the dominant angry, humiliated and tortured Ira. Now, seeing it is very delicate, and most importantly — the right person, he felt guilty.
If Igor is at this time completely changed the position ceased to dominate, tried to reach an equal relationship with Ira, he would, most likely, would not be so vulnerable to her manipulations. But he continued to dominate, because something like that happened already, and Ira, of course, actively supported, strongly adapting it as "dominant" (as Nikita Faith). That is inside he already valued her and didn't want to lose, and apparently continued to criticize it, to urge and to build, although it was very close.
Ira quickly noticed that Igor is on the hook (tests as Nikita, Ira is quite simple – not immediately reply to SMS, late for a meeting, and other stuff, and to see the reaction) and started to manipulate to quickly recoup time hunting (although she always hunted at the same time, someone was faster "ready"). Up to this point, Igor treated her in the restaurant paid for a taxi (and sometimes forget), and that his financial investment was over, he believed that he is the gift, the more Ira running after him. Ira and myself decided that he should buy her a big apartment near his work in downtown, so they "conveniently".
To do this, she resorted to the move, which personally shocked me. On a holiday, it seems in NY, maybe on February 14, Ira gave Igor a very expensive gift (the old icon, and he was a collector). Not exactly very expensive for her, but Igor did not know about the real financial status of the Ira, I thought that she is a student, and the apartment from my parents. When Igor joyfully and gratefully asked how she managed to buy such an expensive thing (he gave her something symbolic, like colors sort of) Ira was confused and answered evasively about some extra work she did to give him that. An evasive answer equal partner not bother the man, I do not want to say, okay, he's a grown man. But the lovers are not "dominant". They have to know everything, they can't accept the fact that they are hiding something.
In the end, after a rather long shaking Igor Ira determined that Ira earned him a gift... nature. That is, she saw this thing from a friend of a man and so wanted to get it, that gave him exactly three times ("three times" I am particularly hooked to this wild story, not one, not few, and three). Igor was not just shocked, he was knocked out of the template. The woman he had loved, a prostitute, and he is an unwitting pimp.
Seeing the wrath of Igor, Irina began to burst into tears. She said she believed, if he doesn't care about her loyalty that he does not like (he never talked about love), and she wanted to give him a good gift, and I think he has everything, and she was so excited, but she certainly would never do this if I only knew that he is so unpleasant.
This absurd act of Ira influenced Igor is very strange. First, he flew into a rage ("I don't want an idiot and a whore") and then in frustration, he pushed her and said she was repugnant to him, forever, said he threw the gift into the river (the only convinced her of its value), not answered the phone when she called, but Ira knew that he was already in love with (otherwise would have gone to such a stud), and it will soon pass.
So Ira humbly portrayed crushed by his own idiocy, not justified almost, only tears ran down her cheeks (that's really what the Ira could do bitter and to order, even rum this shot) and sometimes wrote something like "just I'm sorry, I'm not going to go, I'm a fool". When Igor came to, and Ira felt that he was ready to forgive her stupidity, she turned her phone off. That is when she realized that he had thawed out, she turned off the phone. For Igor, it was like she just agreed to keep up. He was plagued for a few days thinking what happened to her, not whether she did something with him (like the Ira suffered at Rome, not knowing, not crippled whether it was her fiance). He was all easterseals (and from jealousy and guilt, and a strange erotic parishes, frightening him, and from understanding the point of absurdity break any of his templates: whether a Saint or a whore, right in the style of Dostoevsky). All of this, he much later told Ira.
That the victim suffers and exhausts after a quarrel, not realizing the extent of their responsibility, and, most importantly, allowing the manipulator to grab her attention. And responsibility in an unequal relationship is difficult to specify, especially in the inverted imbalance, when the top — minus, and the bottom is a plus.
And when Harry finally began to be on duty outside of her house and caught her wandering in the evening to the house in tears (she knew he's waiting) he was ready to talk about a serious relationship with mutual obligations. And I convinced her that no, he's not nasty, Yes, he forgave, because she's just a blissful idiot.
He decided to take responsibility for her act, and so the indignation from her action drew to himself. He brought her to this, its cynical treatment abnormal, inhuman relations, treating a girl like a dog.