Internal ban on pity

I'm a psychologist who talks and writes a lot about pity. Shame, too. It all came together. . .

I think it hurts every child to fall. And it seems that without falls, wounds and abrasions, there is no childhood. That is, the child runs and jumps, which means he breaks and gets hurt. It hurts. Even a bruise hurts. Not to mention a cut or a fracture. . .

It makes a difference how the environment responds to this pain. It's one thing to get up and calm down. They'll see you hurt. Admitted as if you fell, you really hurt, give the bottom.And it’s quite another thing if a child is told, “It’s your fault” or “You get what you deserve.” Just last week I was walking a dog in the park and saw another mother walking proudly in front, and behind her clinging to a crying child in the hope of consolation. And she said, "I won't feel sorry for you!" My fault! Where were your eyes? I told you to look carefully!









Fuck! As if she had warned her son, his forehead isn't hurting right now! It's like if it's my fault, it doesn't hurt! All that happens to such messages is a break in contact, after which the child is left without support, feeling unworthy of receiving it. I mean, if you did the right thing, you deserved it, you didn't pick your nose, you didn't eat after 18, then all right, so be it, come get some support. Deserve. If it's my fault, I'm sorry. You get what you deserve. Who cares if there are tears of blood inside? Hold on.

There is internal isolation from others in general and pain in particular. In the event that I am in pain and have not had the experience of paying attention, acknowledging and sharing my pain in cases where I messed up, I will encapsulate in my house. "I'm not in pain." I feel ashamed to reveal my pain to someone else, because otherwise I risk getting back into "Well, you should have seen it coming," for example. And again to find his part “well, I could not do it.” .

The child is not able to conclude “Mom does not know how to regret”. He says, “There’s something wrong with me.” I am not worthy of pity.”

The saddest thing is that even the hope of pity is blocked: “I cannot cause the desire to feel sorry for me, why wait?” The inner prohibition of pity excludes it from the possible feelings present in the emotional arsenal.

So there's always a lot of shame next to the ban on pity. Shame on your weak and vulnerable part. At the same time, receiving support from others in the form of pity becomes unbearable. This is something that people are very, very afraid of. On the other hand, very, very, very thirsty. The pain of being seen, shared with someone. And that's okay. It is as if that emptiness, where left without regret, deprived of support in pain, strive to be filled, even if in the outside is a very different signal. Like, "Don't feel sorry for me." So there, in my opinion, is the message: “Pity me and tell me that you still love, respect, appreciate me.”

I will write something very important to me. Many people want to get rid of shame. It's impossible without self-pity. Not immediately, through external experience, very gradually, with readiness to accept and digest, but still the return of value to the place of shame is possible with the filling of that emptiness in which the pain of an imperfect person was not once seen, recognized, shared.Shame as isolation from people gradually disappears with a careful and attentive return to the right to feel sorry for me, without diminishing my value. . .

Is it true that if a child feels sorry when it hurts, even if it is his own fault, it is a completely different life? . .



P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!

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