The lessons of cyberbullying

First, about six months ago, I talked to the teenager, who began to persecute on the Internet. Then I read the story of teenager Amanda Todd, which is a huge virtual crowd hunted on the Internet to suicide. Then, a couple months later, I talked to a psychologist that one of his former clients began to pursue in the network, trying to connect to the prosecution of several people.

Plus "live" and watched the unfolding harassment against another psychologist. The Internet is a good space, but the trouble is that it provides a place not only good, but also different kinds of psychopaths and unstable people, who have a huge stage for "Express yourself." I spoke and shared their experience of cyberbullying, which turned against me in 2011-2013. And I think that experience of cyberbullying and the lessons I learned may be useful to someone else.

Without going into details, describe the situation: in 2011, in response to a critical article in LJ, one spooky psychobabble organization staged a mini-war against me on the Internet, the main purpose of which was my personal and professional discrediting the Internet and beyond (as it seems many people, if they diskreditiert personality, they discrediting and its arguments).

Ninety six million seven hundred one thousand eight hundred fifty nine

Was written and widely distributed articles about the fact that I'm a fraud, a homosexual/"advocate homosexuality" and a pedophile-in-one, slave, con man; has twice broken all of my Internet resources (Skype,, al.mail), at work (I was still teaching at the University) came an anonymous letter from "outraged citizens" in the network appeared the alleged testimonials from "victims" of my "harassment" of students. Well, a number of smaller things. As I was going through? If to judge outwardly, but ironically on this. But on the inside... Hard. What happens when day after day to discover how a lot of people (at least so I think) Excel in that you denigrate?

Shame. Anywhere from it not to get to sticky, burning, gnawing from the inside and squeeze the insides into a solid black hole. Well I would personally insulted me — this is "experiential". But it is shame that arises in a situation when the crowd runs through the streets and yells something like "did you know that so-and-so and so-and-so did such-and-such?!"No matter what "so-and-so" trumped-up, invented or inflated to the size of the elephant — the main thing that people hear it and start looking at you with a slightly different expression in his eyes.

I think we all know the situation is forced to prove that you not a camel in response to someone's slander. And then you're not a camel — molester and pedophile in Alliance with fraud and trafficking. At some point it became terrible somehow to Express themselves on the Internet — it seems that a huge crowd just waiting for this moment to sagaramati, poking at you with my fingers. "Here it is!". Any situation in which we suddenly attracted the attention of many people, is quite stressful, and only on this occasion…

On me like the mark of the leper. Shame was supplemented by two more points associated with harassment and doing this situation is very traumatic for me.

a) a Sense of lack of control of the process and own complete powerlessness. Bring an action? On whom? Dozens of anonymous accounts with confusing IP? Sue at full inactivity of law enforcement? When lawyers go on about the futility of things? "Well, will you wave a court order, which says that "information contained in the article "so-and-So is a defender of pedophilia!"that is not true — so what?". Really — so what?

b) Generalization of the perception of the situation. There is a feeling that this story is already known by all people in the world, even those who by in store pass. You should light the face or say your name — and you will be identified and giggled (in person or around the corner). It's irrational, but it works toxic, toxic shame. And yet it seems that it is forever. That will never be washed from this spot that people will always remember about what happened, wherever you went. And the feeling that this persecution will never end. It is forever. No exit. The world is bad, you bad, and output is not expected — three thoughts leading to depression.

Shame and longing flood the consciousness, leads to two more assumptions, reinforcing again the damn shame. Assumption one: people will believe everything that is written in these "revealing" articles/comments. They will not understand what was happening (and in fact it's often so) — but just accept on faith. And, moreover, they go well remember your name and face, and you will be for them, not some nameless psychologist, about which someone wrote something nasty (and God knows the truth there, or not) — namely that, which the libertine and advocate. Assumption two: people care. All have to do with the fact that someone, someone called the Internet is so-and-so.

And as if a little of this cocktail — the added humiliation. "It was not necessary at all to get involved!", "why I wrote this article!?", "why can't I just go and forget about the whole thing, I'm a psychologist!?""from this suffering and my family!"Victimblaming ("you did what you did")? I have it! Certainly there were well-wishers, which I then could not send a fuck, with comments like "Yes fuck you, this is nonsense!", "it is strange that you react so emotionally," "this situation was given to you for consideration", "due to this harassment, you may discover your weaknesses," and other winners of the contest for the asshole comment.

The world narrowed to the limits of the monitor. And the Internet — to the limits of harassment. Outside of it there is nothing. No future, no way to return the good name. Everything is against you.How to get out? How to continue to live, not folding in endless shame, how to find the strength to straighten up and again and again be presented to the people in the environment where the bullying emotionally flexes the RAM's horn?

The main enemy is not those who are being bullied. With this Legion of ants to fight useless — spending forces for one, will not find strength for the next dozen. The main thing is shame, helplessness and generalization, kills the will to fight and live.

Shame. Shame arises not when we do something bad. Shame arises when we turn away. It is increasing to prohibitive values when it seems that everyone had turned away. It is therefore important — sometimes even vital — to find support in family, friends, colleagues. To find someone who won't turn away. For me personally the support was two messages I in various forms received from those who were there.

and) "I personally know — and I know that it is not. I know you're not. And I'm ready to talk about it if need be."

bel) "If anyone believes in this crap talking about you, or even try to check that and thank God that with these people you never cross. You're just from different worlds."

No "forget it!"on the one hand, extremely angry ("you try it, you are our enlightened, score"), and on the other undermines the determination to do anything. Trying to "score", to pretend that you're above all that, not to react in any way, sooner or later will result in an explosion because we are social beings, and fully (without psychological repercussions) to ignore the persecution can only psychopaths with antisocial personality disorder. For the rest the disregard is fraught with diseases.

Talking to your friends no "everything is fine", "I'm good" and so on. Because the concealment of the fact of persecution convinces the body that you — and you — have done something shameful. Otherwise, why hide? It is important that from friends and relatives had those messages that I wrote above.

And it was important not to engage in dialogue with those who organize this persecution supports or "doubts" in your adequacy, requiring proof that you not a camel. Do not try to oppose directly, to enter into a correspondence, to respond, to accept insults, to cope with rising despair, bumping into a brick wall of misunderstanding and stupid desire to mock. It burns the already small emotional resource, and those who poison, stimulates the continuation. It was my mistake and I realized it immediately, unfortunately — but not too late.

Impotence. The syndrome of learned helplessness based on the feeling that you are nothing and will never be able to influence the situation is one of the most destructive to the psyche. Something needs to be done, even if the effect is small — an important fact that you defend yourself. The only question is what to do.

I have created a community that used just to refute those articles wrote about me. The fact this work for me was healing, releasing the energy of anger and gave confidence that at least something I can oppose that turbidity, which splashes in the Internet. In addition, I occasionally published a small reporting posts, and on the front page posted a note that if they find something out of the ordinary about me, check out this page, it will be understood, how they grow up.

Moreover, the data in my articles and materials were a striking contrast to those who still wanted to see what kind of demon incarnate like that. People were expecting some kind of crazy, but apparently normal adequate man. I knew about this contrast, and he gave me confidence that, thanks to him people even more doubt what about me has been written.

I have written a few materials about this organization, which carried out the persecution, and went to a scientific conference devoted to pseudoscience, where he spoke about them. How much is reasonable? This move has been mixed. I think from the perspective of stimulating confrontation and bullying is not the right decision — Sloboda from the other side grew, as a certain effect was.

But it was the second year of the confrontation, when I somewhat came to, and this retaliation was made for me. For self-esteem. To release the accumulated anger and hatred in a more constructive option — Yes, a little revenge... Another thing is that these materials typically affect those without me doubted the teachings of my "opponents", and the fans are not affected in any way, so I walked away from the idea of struggling with something in the name of something. Closer to me now not to fight, but a simple education. The voice of reason is quiet, it pereorat easy, but if this voice dies down, it often breaks, and when vociferous enemies get tired.

Generalization. It seems that mark on you forever. And those that never do not calm down, until the end of life and will rage. And that all believe in the nonsense that is written about you. And that care about you... But when the first wave of shame at the time retreated, I began to try to find support in reality, knowing that emotions greatly distort our perception.And I gradually realized a few things.

Storms on the Internet is often a storm in a teacup. It seemed to me that the persecution involved a lot of people, but when you counted them, then counted to twenty. Well, several hundred — or even thousands — of people read it all. Several thousand millions. And most of these hundreds are those who you never ever would have crossed without this harassment. A significant portion of my current followers do not know anything about how I'm a terrible cheat and a slave-trader :)). And there were even more people this "srach" generally not interested. Psychologist and some shady types piss each other? Well, to hell with them, we're not interested.

I realized that I'm not the navel of the Earth. What is specific to me is not the case most of those who read the "revelations". I was some psychologist whose name was not remembered or which was forgotten after two or three days maximum. The consciousness of the people is excited in similar scandals, but it also cools down quickly or these impressions are interrupted by a new fresh. Tell me, how many of You remember the public scandals that have been in the past year, and who was involved in them (except the very very famous personalities who are constantly in the mind)?

— I've found that critically thinking people much more than I thought. Many people have expressed distrust written already at the stage of familiarization with the revelations. Many were influenced by the familiarity with my materials or blogs. And among those who took the hysteria and persecution, there was not one person with whom I wanted to communicate.

As things stand now? A pair of bots sometimes still follows me about on the network, and where someone leaves a link to my materials about this spooky psychobabble of the sect, they generate tons of "dirt". In most cases — completely fruitless... Or someone from real "fans" of the teachings of this organization reproachfully trying to shame me for the bad words about their guru, completely ignoring all the words about the persecution. I meet some of the characters in the comments of those who were in that organization, worked on it and were aware of the harassment (or even participated in it). Pass — I despise people who hide behind these accounts, but my disgust to keep me away from them.

And so — there is life after this. And it's not forever. published  


Author: Ilya Lapirov


P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki



See also

New and interesting