Lyudmila Petranovskaya How to protect their children from harassment

The forehead does not work

If we talk about what to tell their children, the recommendations as obvious, so, alas, nothing is guaranteed. We can repeat a hundred times to a child: "Say no – go away – tell your parents", but it can help with the younger. From 12-13 years they are confident that with mustaches, they may think that it's love, they may have many reasons for nothing parents not to speak (and not necessarily because they have bad parents or a bad relationship).

However, they are still children, to resist the pressure and/or charm them adult is difficult, so the "no – go" also not working. Yes, and I think it is not very correct to solve the problem only by children, as if they shifting the responsibility.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya

Is it possible to measure and weed out all teachers who may experience sexual desire to the disciples?


Even for the detection of true pedophiles with attraction to prepubescent children, methods suitable for mass use, does not exist. Not to mention the legal side of the issue – what the drive through the humiliating (and expensive) procedure all teachers?

More often than pedophilia, is that shameless citizens are called "novels with pupils", and in General it is called sexual abusem (use) of minors in a dependent situation.

In schools we learn to 17-18 years. Part students really are quite Mature, they can behave provoking, practicing gratisyoung models of behavior for everyone, including teachers. They are children, they learn everything, including this.

Therefore, the desire may feel, talking to them, every healthy man. Nobody here will reveal and will not eliminate. The question is: will teacher the impulse to be realized. It is the maturity, self-control and professional ethics. Feel overwhelmed – it is your duty to withdraw immediately from school.

Well, as to know in advance will allow the teacher the impetus to go into action or not? To test? To measure mental toughness? The level of morality? So in fact, if we talk about the real seducers, they are usually quite intelligent, and masterfully lying, engaging in a lie of their victims. They have the most honest eyes and the kind voice.

Otherwise there would be occasions when such practices for years, they involved dozens of children and no one knows – neither the parents, nor colleagues. And the more serious the story, the less typically leaks. Opened all either quite by accident or through many years. Do these types of test do not answer "at its best"?

Next. The relationship Mentor – mentee can be very trusting. A good teacher has a huge impact on the child, may be a more significant figure than the parents because parents is an infant past, and the teacher is the door to the future.

And the paradox is that the seducers are often really good teachers are bright, creative, charismatic. I don't know what comes first – the love to children at some point, captures all the facets of the psyche and becomes ethically acceptable limits, or lust makes you grow the qualities that provide access to enthusiastic students and the acquisition of "prey."

But too often, the teacher, the proximity of which became traumatic for some children, for dozens and hundreds of others and remains an example of absolute decency, mind, culture, humanity – yet all will not open, but then a long time can not believe. And what all good teachers now suspect? Let the work of the evil blighters – they for sure no sleep will not?

In General, front solutions "how to prevent" is not visible.

And I would rather looking for an answer not in the plane of the "child-teacher". After all, in the story of 57-th school, the public is shocked not so much the facts themselves, but how many years have suscribios and suppressed. "Finally, I will not shrink back when someone gives a boy in class, John DOE" writes the man who was known for many years. Shrank, but remained silent – why?

The facts have surfaced 10 years ago – the administration without any public inquiry presented to their team of gossip – and all readily accepted this version. Why? The victims describe their feelings – not so much the trauma from the event, how much pressure: "If I tell you, the school will be closed", "How will I face everyone?". And we have seen how the fears of the victims was justified, that only they heard.

Abuse may not be literally rape, but in such cases over the victim initially threatened with other violence – psychological violence groups. Abuser it knows and consciously uses it. Sooner or later the child is aware of seriality "novels" and realize that was only an object of use and in addition the victim of a trap.

After all, tell – all means to fail, to be a traitor. "A Snitch," as Mr. Nose. Therefore, the most difficult consequences of abuse impact, if it occurs in a narrow circle of "their" – in the family, in a close-knit group, in a closed "club" institution.

Or you suffer, compromising themselves, or in a moment can lose the entire social network that snapped at you for "making dirty linen in public". Therefore, the first often hesitant to speak not the victims themselves, and their "authorized persons". Them too hard, but more chances to survive. And, on this occasion, I want to Express my support for all those graduates and teachers who took this unpleasant and difficult mission.

So. It's not that anybody didn't want anything. But the fact that there are rules of the game in which no one would have harbored illusions that ABUS can practice with impunity, hiding behind invisible but opaque "walls" of the closed system.

Not only school

Unfortunately, my reaction "don't believe" at first posts about 57th arose for a second. I have no relationship to the school, just heard about it a lot, especially good. However, intuition has highlighted a very disturbing note, the symptoms of a dysfunctional system, closed – and thus disadvantaged groups.

In my life I've been a member of three such groups of different degrees of distress, still more again seen outside. With experience in developing some intuition, and I feel like the "smell" of such systems.

Dysfunctional is read in many small signs: how to talk about the group of "newly dedicated" what changes happen with them, how to live separated from the group who left her, how to communicate between group members and how they communicate with non-members.

This "smell" I felt many times, communicating with participants of the Lifespring program, visitors to the ashrams of Indian gurus, educators, and graduates of "elite" schools and universities, staff and volunteers of some NGOs, activists of various political groups, members of online communities about the beauty or about the upbringing of children.

This does not mean that all the training, good schools, polydiene, NGOs, ashrams and the Internet community dysfunctional. It's just about how varied may be the phenomena. Sometimes some signs may acquire a very large community, until the whole social strata or country.

Some features may as "childhood diseases" that appear and disappear with the development of the group as a whole if it is healthy. In the worst case scenario all this will only increase until something monstrous: sex scandal discovered embezzlement or even someone's death (by heart attack or suicide). We are social animals, we depend on groups to which belong. This is very serious.

I don't want to write about the 57th, all participants and so difficult and painful. And I in any case do not want to say that this entire school as a whole is dysfunctional and harmful to children.

Dysfunctional traits can always be expressed more or less these qualities of the group can change and correct, and I'd like to hope that it will be so in this case. The dilemma of "everything is sweep under the carpet – or to destroy the school," it is now clear, was deliberately imposed on the public by those who were covering your own ass.

The howl starts every time the affected authorities. But I know many cases where nothing is destroyed, but only became healthier and lived better after the institution has removed all sorts of lost coast "of those to whom everything rests".

Each time it turned out that rested on them, not the institution as such, and they created the system of abuse with which they clipped his coupons. The most well –known examples Raznochinovka and Pavlovsk boarding school: when there was removed "to give the children all the soul, replacing them with parents almost Holy men", to let the volunteers, the children suddenly became less likely to die, it is better to develop and easier to take in a family.

Only this can actually increase the level of safety for children to the system in which they are located, was the least private. To COP in the house did not accumulate, and it wouldn't start all sorts of rubbish.

Good intentions and fork

So, dysfunctional we call the group that at some moment of your existence begins to take its members more than giving them (except those who "rules" of the group and their entourage). The purpose for which it was once created, begins to fade into the background, and the goal becomes the protection status of the group, for the sake of this built system abuse (use).

Groups at the dysfunctional, always give your members something very-very right, just fall into a deep unmet need. A resource can be different: health without doctors, drugs and painful procedures; excellent education for children of school years in the creative, free atmosphere; the power (or proximity to power) that gives a sense of security; the drive from their own high efficiency, passion, achievement, especially for first hesitant, shy people; the meaning of life, to raise above the sadness of everyday life, etc.

Anyway, the group has (or believes it has) a kind of "treasure": the theory, ideas, technologies, special abilities, human potential, allow access to this resource. It's never a complete fiction – usually the idea-the technology really works and gives the result, and people really interesting and talented, inside this group is really possible to do what you cannot in other.

Often at the time of group creation is nothing dysfunctional in it: all are encouraged by the discoveries, United, work hard, sincerely want to do good for people and for the world as a whole. This stage can last for several years, leaving the best memories of the participants and the close relationship between them, those that are described by the word "kinship". It is a wonderful unity in the experience of inspiration: "We are with you, comrade, could not sleep all night. We dreamed, we were wondering how we help people" (M. light).

But then the problems start. Any technology is not a panacea, any idea has limitations, the beautiful people may get tired or fall out, the external environment can be less friendly. The group faces challenges and limitations. And here there is a fork in the road.

One way to recognize the complexities and limitations, it is fair to say that you can and cannot do; to openly discuss and resolve conflicts; to seek its place in the common field at the expense of something; to use the resources of the entire group to overcome crises, establishing within the group an open relationship; keep enough "ventilated" outer border, entering into relations of cooperation on an equal footing with other groups.

The second is to get stuck in fantasies of self-nesravnennoe: be adjusted to their vision of all that does not fit into it, to deny the limitations and mistakes; to take offense at competitors and critics to see them as enemies; to look for ways to have a privileged position to receive preferential treatment, for example, by access to power; to establish, within the group of implicit hierarchy in the access to decision-making, creating the "inner party" particularly close to the leadership; to close the external borders, to operate only from the position of "knowing how"; any price to uphold the honor of the uniform and punish the group members for any "making dirty linen in public".

Risk factors

There are many factors that push a group to the second path. So, the fewer opportunities to satisfy the need, gathered the group in a different way than an exclusive "treasure", the farther you will go. Supporters of the guru, who "cures" cancer, is much more likely to become dysfunctional group than the fans of system of treatment of the common cold.

And these chances are more where conventional medicine promises only extortion, torture and humiliation. If really good schools – units, each of them risks to turn into a "private club" increase by orders of magnitude. If the meaning and the efficiency in society the trouble is that the esoteric sects will be in demand and will continue to develop in a bad way.

Also a chance to evolve in a dysfunctional way to grow, if the environment is really hostile group, and its activities are hampered. If the company prohibited political associations, almost all of them doomed to dysfunction. When the group pressed outside, it is rallying, the internal borders of the rumpled and off it went. And then we can stop being pressed, or pressed very moderately, but there are leaders who are comfortable everything is always blame on the machinations of enemies, and under this sauce to arrange their Affairs.

Much more at risk groups "high" – helping orphaned and impoverished, spiritual, caring about the fate of the world. Messianism is a very pernicious thing. Never heard garage pronounced with dysfunctional dynamics.

The band members themselves, their experience is also relevant. For example, if many of them are traumatized by the rejection in the preceding groups, they are very appreciated finally found the brotherhood, many things are ready for him and the chances of a bad scenario grow.

Another risk factor is a very serious group can lead (or take the place of the gray cardinal) people with sociopathic traits, a deft manipulator, devoid of conscience and empathy. That's when everything gets really bad. Usually, the sociopath is very intelligent and charismatic personality, he carefully sees to it that the facade of group remained attractive, that it looked like selfless service. He is able to find to the people approach to say "those" words, and spreads in parallel inside the group of psychological "web", constantly monitoring where and who flinched, and "taking action".

Disgruntled declared traitors, inadequate, partisan and cleverly silenced or expelled. At the same time all the others over and over again unnoticed, gradually tie total because of participation in the harassment, consent to unjust accusations, the unspoken agreements about the special, outside the "narrow-minded morality" rules for this group.

Gradually begin to feel trapped in "the Matrix", where in reality they live a vivid, meaningful, full service Good life, and subconsciously feel bound hand and foot, and has long been yourself not home. But warm, comfortable, good movie show, and those who were not immersed in the deep group and remained in the role of "clients", really satisfied and happy. That is, the benefits, then society is, life is not in vain.

This situation is traumatic not only to the immediate victims of harassment or abuse, and all participants. Either they are direct witnesses and suffer from the collapse of the worldview and fierce loyalties.

Either they are involved in a process of denial, lying and bullying are unhappy – they can't resist the effects of the manipulator, but some part of understand what's going on, and feel, respectively. Even those who were formally outside the group: family members, friends, and just happened to be vovlechen


You should be as wary as they hear and see on the part of the representatives of the group of set such installations

1. We are the chosen, we are the best: the smartest, the most spiritual, the most advanced, the most Patriotic, the most righteous, the believers correctly (underline). From this the blood with dopamine, eyes glittering, behind the wings begins to take shape dependence on the group.

2. Those who are admitted into our circle, to this fact guaranteed a lot: success, career, glorious victory, interesting life, best partners, communication at a high level, stability and prosperity (underline), because we deserve it. The future belongs to us. Dose increases, the person loses the sensitivity, a fully open group.

3. We are so special that many of the rules that exist for all these boring ordinary people for us not subjectus impossible to measure a total measure. People just do not understand the true sacred meaning of what we do. Therefore, "the interests of the common cause" we can deviate from "ordinary morality": to lie, to poison people to engage in sexual use, assign someone else to use violence in various forms (underline). The evening ceases to be weary. Forming the basis for closure and to justify abuse.

4. Among the elected, we have another elected, the founding Fathers, the Leaders, the Elders are so wise, you know everything and do everything right, we trust them like himself (actually himself – are long gone), they are so smart, so humble and dedicated, with any question, doubt, and complaint need simply go to him: administration, Director, guru, Teacher, Master, President (underline). Members of the group explicitly or implicitly excluded from decision-making. Subjectivity has almost passed, hook driven deep, now begin to pull back, Oh.

5. To be elected – is not only pleasant, but also difficult. Therefore, we have: a lot of work, constantly evolve, to pass all new levels, neglected family and friends, to invest energy, to invest money, to tighten their belts and not complain (underline). Usually, the test begins at admission to the group: the need to prove their "exclusivity". The higher the "entry price", the lower the chance to get away without serious consequences. Participants begin to prepare for what will have to give more than receive and serve the group.

6. Are we not all love and want our group to destroy it, because, jealous, clever, not love, not love of the righteous, does not love our nation, do not like our faith, we want to do on our place, you want unconditional power, and we prevent (underline). Closeness is finally fixed, outward enemies, to close ranks, live by the laws of war, any such inner boundaries and human rights.

7. The criticism in our address – the enemies, it is based on rumors and speculation, exaggeration and distortion, a distorted perception of inadequate people, a deliberate lie haters, an elaborate conspiracy of wanting to destroy us (underline). The necessary Foundation for the transition to the next item, complete shutdown of critical and feedback.

8. All problems should be addressed within our circle, better behind the scenes with the Leaders. To make a discussion of the entire group and in what form – also to solve them. The one who "makes the dirty linen in public", a traitor, a Snitch, ungrateful creature, not in his right mind, wants popiaritsya, gets cookies, a puppet in the hands of the enemies, the fifth column, stuck a knife in the back (underline). Happens revealing the persecution and expulsion of the "traitor" with the participation of the entire group. All the cage match, all the conditions for impunity of abuse created. Now who will ride a skating rink, who were forced to be a skating rink – it is the case.

I counted three signs or more? Looks like things are bad.

The form of expression of these installations may be more coarse and vulgar, and can be very graceful and delicate, carefully disguised. Don't know which is worse.

Once again I want to remind you that certain features can be "growing pains" quite healthy groups. It is important their combination and dynamics: getting better or worse? And the reaction of the group on feedback – will she use it to fix "bugs" or goes on the defensive.

And how can that be?

You want to enter such a group? Think a hundred times.

You want to send your child there? Think a thousand times.

Weigh the pros and cons, the risks can negate all the result of tolerance to the "treasure". Why an excellent education to those who are in a prolonged depression? If more pros plan how you will monitor the situation to determine the moment of "this is too much" and what will you do if he comes. Observe the state changes of the child, try to be aware of what is happening, to communicate with different members of the group, keeping his distance and criticality.

The most difficult may be the situation if the child has grown up and chooses the group itself. This is not necessarily a sect, all can have innocent tourist club or circle of philosophy. The more you worry and criticize the group and the Leaders, the more the child will move away from you and go back.

Try by all means to save the relationship, to talk and interact about other, pleasant and valuable for both of you to keep the escape route open. Your support will need it when with a group would have to leave and will be difficult. Believe that he have been ill and will be fine. If you suspect something very criminal, be prepared to fight. Even if your child is already in security – don't leave it just because abuse in the future may relate to other kids.

You're in a band? Do not disregard any, even a weak sign of manifestation of these traits: "they need to choke while they are small". Raise the conversation about the principles, rules, about priorities. Insist on transparent procedures of decision-making remain critical, in the discussion mark and sceptical paranoid pictures from the series "we are always right, because we don't like". Never put all your eggs in one basket, always have a life outside the group. No "capture." No "loyalty to the end."

Critical of the leaders of the group – signs of adoration for their team, especially if they played along, even pretending to modesty, to guard.

If the group is potentially healthy, you'd be doing her and yourself a huge favor and be able to stay in it happily ever after. If pathological dynamics will be stronger and you will end with conflict and expulsion from the group – then the sooner it happens the better, the less will be your loss and the easier it is for "othodnyak".

And again. If you suspect that a group of formally or informally directs a sociopath, and there is no chance to change it go away immediately. If you have the strength – then criticize from the outside, helping victims and expelled.


Why you do not need to force children to go to music school and dancingReminder for parents from the school city of Belmont

You the group leader?

Listen not to those who you sings, and those who argue with you, who asks uncomfortable questions, criticize and doubt. Treat criticism as feedback and not to the desire to "unseat". Look for yourself the limits of your technology, speak about them aloud.

Follow the open borders, let the people go, remaining friends, and come from updating the group. Not heat messianism, save self-criticism and self-irony. And be careful not to fall under the influence of some "essential" Zama, which will make you a screen for your game.

Something like that. Take care of yourself and children.published


Author: Lyudmila Petranovskaya




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