Not self-sufficient people

Look at this picture. She plays a popular idea that grew out of the ideology of individualism: man in opposition to the "one against all" can win. The main thing — faith in yourself, your success and your goals — and succeed.

But I look at this picture and think about what if her hero, things are exactly as painted — it's just never going to succeed. He did not start to do anything. Think about the goal, it may be a lot — but not going anywhere. And if it does move — it won't get far.

Why? Because the idea that our identity is a kind of isolated from the world entity and that it can act even against the whole world, is not true. Although this idea is very seductive. I love Kipling's poem "If". It is really wonderful, the Declaration of human courage in the face of the challenges of his life. And if you're capable of all that was/is familiar to You, lay on the table/Everything to lose and start again at,/Not sparing what they have earned... Powerful words. But there is one moment that makes all this courage is unrealistic. This is the first line.

Oh, if you're sure, not confused,When you lose head around,And if you remained true to yourself When you don't believe best friend...

When you don't believe nobody, not even best friend turns away, and do not rely on that — even the strong, confident man will tremble, will feel insecure and begin to look around in search of additional support. One-on-one — tempting, but "alone in the confrontation with the world" — it is beyond the power even of the ancient Greek gods and heroes. Even Hercules had a companion.


"What external support I need to achieve my objective?" Many people do not even ask this question, following the usual image of the isolated man, is able to survive, survive in full psychological and physical vacuum. "I need only my will and determination," said to me by an acquaintance. "What strengthens your resolve?" And he, answering, called, mentioned the poem "If...". "That is you supports Kipling. And then you're not alone...".


We are not able to be in complete, absolute solitude — because even on a desert island we will have the source. Human consciousness is dialogical; we always have at least one internal source, which, for example, questioned our ideas or, on the contrary, encourages wavering. As said M. Zhvanetsky, "the real loneliness is when You're up all night talking to yourself, and You don't understand." But still — talk... the Death of a domestic companion — the path to madness.

It is important for us to be heard. Heard and seen in all our manifestations, not just those that appeal to the fact, to which we refer. That is why support is no consolation, though the consolation can also be important. Now, I understand that support is providing the opportunity to be with me the way it is now. If he or she is grief — to give the opportunity to grieve with me, "all is well".

If he's at a loss — to give the opportunity to be at a loss to be around, not to throw advice or recommendations. But this is possible only when for me the possible, acceptable grief or confusion, when I'm not afraid of himself to allow himself to be such, and are not afraid to fall, fail and get out. When there is confidence in the process and to your body. We need a close witness who is able to join us, to see our experience — and not try to do something with it.

If in their state, turning to another, we go unheard and unsupported when people turn away from what for them is unbearable, then we were left alone. The loneliness added to his frequent companion is shame. Shame is not just a feeling of worthlessness, insignificance, and the desire to disappear. Our emotions or actions become shameful in that moment, when they are not heard and supported by other people. When the boy cries, and his pain is not hear and say "boys don't cry" — he collapses. Pain and tears do not disappear, but they become ashamed of, and it's not just enhances the experience is it can. When we are in front of other people, you cannot be weak, shy, sensitive, scared (need to add), we do not cease to be such, but in addition learn to be ashamed of these conditions. Shame stops the experience, it solidifies in our soul, and does not disappear.

 The shame is the lack of support in the field of life, and not necessarily through direct condemnation. Unsolicited advice and recommendations reinforce a shame, because a engender a feeling that all the people around can and know how to get out of a difficult situation, one you don't know. Because helplessness is particularly "shameful" for men, it is often the men tend to attempts to muzzle the despair, the weakness and helplessness of other people with advice or direct attempts to do anything. Even when not asked. But these attempts reinforce the shame.

Thus are born the forbidden zone in our psyche. According to psychotherapist and philosopher G. Wheeler, "if I, as a child, I feel in some way and have a certain set of abilities, and You belonging to the grown-up world, required of me a very different that I can't give You, then the only possible integration (of our self) for me will be making up stories in which I bad so hiding, trying to measure the forces if not corrected, then at least pretend to possess the necessary qualities." And so, pretending that we have everything you need for a "Mature and healthy" individuals, we are left alone with their own feelings and attitudes.

But there is no escape from the fact that our experiences are always addressed to someone. When we cry — we cry to someone. No tears, no one is addressed, all our experiences need to be heard, seen — and responded to them, and gagged them. When dead loved ones — our tears addressed not only alive, but dead. People turn to the dead, talking with them, speak about love for him, anger for too early a departure, or even joy because suffering from a serious illness behind and no matter whether you are an atheist or believe in an afterlife. And it doesn't even matter that those who died may not hear — it is important sometimes just to say these words, addressed to those who are gone. Just to name — but the address... this is the essence of social human nature and our feelings are always addressed to someone.

The essence of support — the adoption of any state, the ability to withstand. "I see that you hard, I see you vulnerable, I will not turn you away." It's hard. At one point or another in life everyone is faced with unbearable for him feelings of another person and turn away from them... And the essence of self-support is the acceptance of yourself in any state, without attempts to diminish, devalue or hide from himself his experiences. "I'm not offended, I was angry" (still — resentment branded as a childish feeling, and is associated with a "you're offended?" and "on offended carry water").

In General, if we stand alone against the whole world and I can not start the long-dreamed — we do not have enough external support, and do not be ashamed to admit it. Staying without this external support, we are doomed to shame and the preservation of our States, the stories that we have all we need. And it does not budge a single step...

Well, when in our past or present were some people who turned away from us, which always, no matter what happened in life, came the message: "You are our. Whatever happens — you are our". Then, when faced with life's difficulties, we can rely on these words, and not deny ourselves. After all, the father (mother, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, sister...) are not turned away.

If no — have to learn this. To consider other people, finds a spiritual response to their experiences and see how people react in response to your words and feelings. To take the risk to open up, to admit in some "forbidden" feelings, thoughts and States — and find that people stay with you, they are not turned away and not grimaced in disgust, but at the same time and not trying to hurry you to "save". They are just near and they have a similar experience of fear and writing stories about self-sufficiency. Variations of these stories are different, but the essence is one. published

And, having suffered the collapse, will again

Without the old forces – to resume your work...


Author; Ilya Lipatov

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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