Michael Litvak: the Person who is shamed, lose self-esteem


When a person feels shame, he's usually trying to decrease in size, looks away, blushes, lowers or even closes eyes. Eyes wide open and shame – the phenomena incompatible. "Shame on you! Turn around!" – so often tell the child and foster modesty.

Psychological research shows that shame feel almost everything. The human consciousness is filled with them-but he knows only that he feels indecent. At the same time, it feels untenable, incompetent.

Here's how to write about shame Tomkins:

"Though terror speaks to life and death and suffering envelops the world through the veil of tears, shame inflicts the deepest wounds to the heart. Although fear and distress hurt, they are striking, which softens the self-examination and self-justification; but shame is experienced as an inner torment, a sickness of the soul. It is indifferent whether the cause of humiliation and shame someone's hurtful ridicule or people made fun of himself. In both cases, it feels like naked, defeated, rejected, lost dignity."

Ashamed, the man sees himself the object of scorn and ridicule, a child, a weakness which is exposed, believes that others will laugh at him.

This leads me to a practical conclusion: you should never shame a partner. If he has no conscience, your arrows will fly past. If you hit the target, you will acquire the enemy.

But how often do we be ashamed depend on us as a partner instead of having to request direct task execution.

  • "Shame on you! Again didn't wash my shoes!" – instead of: "Wash shoes".
  • "Shame on you! Again left my place in disarray!" – instead of: "please Bring in the order of the workplace".
  • Even better in such cases to start with this: "I am sure that today...".

But most importantly, the person who is shamed, lose self-esteem. Shy people are overly concerned with how he looks in the eyes of others.

Shame occurs in humans only in the process of education. Animals have no shame. Some scientists believe that shame still brings some benefit. So, the person usually tries to avoid situations that cause shame, it is better to learn and work, and behave. They say that shame contributes to mental play difficult situations, which leads to increased "I" and self-criticism facilitates the development of independence.

But I do see the harm of shame, and agree with those who argue that shame contains a hostile impulse against the thinking. Gynaecologists, sexologists, urologists and surgeons know how often the shame and shyness lead to the fact that many people come for treatment to the hospital with advanced forms of diseases such as colon cancer and breast cancer, fibroids of uterus, prostatitis, hemorrhoids, etc. And how much misery is due to the fact that the man is ashamed to seek help from a doctor about impotence, and a woman about sexual coldness.

Will lead in this regard one example.

My client V. was 57 years old, and he met with a woman younger than his 21 years. They were both divorced. She reached out to him, but he was afraid to deepen the relationship, because all his life considered himself sexually weak man.

This is briefly its history.

He married for love at the age of 23 years. Wife was three years younger. Both had no sexual experience. First sexual relationship as if they were normal. But then I realized that his wife belongs to the category of so-called Cold Women. Satisfaction from the intimate relationship she experienced and tried to avoid them. On this basis, the conflicts began to arise. Once, when her husband, insisting on intimacy, told her that a wife should fulfil their marital duties, she lay back, spread her legs and said that he did his job. Naturally, it didn't work out. She made fun of it. Since the uncertainty in intimate relationship. not left.

Family life took place in the conflict. Their children are not brought together. To divorce his wife with such potency. not resolved. So at least sometimes, though inferior, he lived sex life. Met women that he liked, but to tell them about his "failures" he could not, and to go to the doctor hesitated.

In 54 years felt completely impotent. The children were already adults, and he was separated from his wife. Free up time, and Vladimir began to attend art classes, remembering the passion of childhood. There he met a woman, which was discussed above.

I told Vladimir to tell all this to her friend and explained that his disturbing disorders are functional in nature and, of course, reversible.

For three years I am happy to meet this happy couple. Once Vladimir has informed me that I never suspected that he had such a high potency. He even looked younger, and when I met him, he seemed like an old man.

But the case is not such a happy ending.

There is a category of people who are even good friends hesitate to go to the toilet. So, our hero belonged to the people. In his youth he loved. They were classmates. The case went to the wedding. Once during a visit he had an upset stomach. I ought to say to his beloved that he needs to find a toilet, but he was shy. The mood immediately fell. To quickly break up with the girl, he found fault with some little thing. They had a falling out. Everything happened like in a Comedy. Only in a Comedy in the end, the characters still converge. Here was the final break. Each then had their own failed life. Fate brought them together 20 years later at the traditional meeting of graduates, and only then it turned out that old misunderstanding.


I could cite many more such cases. They are funny, comical and tragic. That's why I think that a person should be neither shame nor shyness. Do not need such incentives and limitations for development of the individual. Then what should? You guessed it. To develop thinking! It should be our stimulant, and our limiter. It will tell you when not to strip naked but are forced to go to the doctor when illness of the genital organs and will maintain neutrality in matters of love.




One of the main problems of modern psychotherapy – the removal of guilt. It is not innate, and well-mannered state of mind, and the associated morality.

Guilt is the child in the first years of life when his thinking is not developed and the proposed standards of morality ("what is good and what is bad") are accepted without criticism. When moral norms are violated, the person begins to experience guilt.

Anyone who has read my book "Psychological Aikido" (1992), already knows that the rules of morality are the contents of the Parent. In this and our conscience.

But the requirements of morality are changing. What is moral now, it was immoral in the past may be immoral in the future. Life changes its shape and essence. But the requirements are outdated morality rigidly applied to human guilt, and he ceases to be himself.

Moral behavior is necessary. There is no doubt. Otherwise humanity would cease to exist. In addition, the rules of morality make life easier: many actions become automatic, I do not think – follow the rules of morality!

But whether the morality of our soul? Remember Moses ' commandments: "thou shalt Not kill" "thou shalt Not steal", "thou shalt Not commit adultery", etc. But the bans make for a person desirable what is forbidden. Give yourself a vow while reading not to look at the upper right corner of the page, all the time remember that you don't have to look in the upper right corner of the page, you will shame yourself for what you want all the time to look at the upper right corner of the page (there is something that you can not watch). And here you are already irresistibly drawn there to see. And if you hold out, the pull will still be. So, unconsciously, the denial is not perceived.

"Our regiment was forbidden to read, said Svejk, and two weeks later the regiment became the most read". And soldiers read everything, including the scraps of Newspapers in which traders wrapped purchase.

"Don't look at the carafe of water," said I to lectures. One listener immediately looked at him. I rebuked her. She said, "But I do need to look at something that is not supposed to look!".

Forbidden, we create a way to disallow, and after a while the person has the desire to do what is prohibited. But the desire should be to satisfy, and he does what is prohibited. But if doesn't, it tears apart the contradiction between desire and prohibition, between love and duty. So far, and to disease.

Prohibition increases consumption of alcohol, sexual taboos reinforce corruption, and strict laws is the severity of the crimes.

Everything goes according to the law – the Law of nature. Let us remember that the written laws, if they don't match it, web – only for the weak, strong, it breaks.

When Jesus Christ rebuked, that he destroys the commandments, he replied that he came not to destroy the law but to strengthen. So, Jesus Christ adultery "in your heart" also calls sin.

During a family quarrel, a wife of one of my patient said to him: "I am a thousand times you could change, but my integrity kept me!" So how many times did she cheat on him "in your heart"? And after this episode they broke up, although lived together for 23 years. It is clear that along was their body, and the soul of his wife was elsewhere. Love is a function of the soul. It makes us human.

A happy person is not the soul departs the body. When we are gripped by fear, the soul rushes into the future, when we are depressed – in the past. When personal contacts should be worried, first of all, a soul partner with us. To my students I always say that they didn't go to my classes, if there is a conflict of motives. Let them go there, not me. If there will be more interesting, I rejoice for them, and if not, their soul will remain with me, and then she will lead the body.

When the number of my pupils considerably will decrease, it will signal that I have become uninteresting person. I will start more intensive work on yourself. Maybe I won't return gone but will be able to retain the newcomers. I will try better to teach, and I will not have to appeal to morality and insist that we need to work out regularly; that without learning one cannot become a good specialist. It will be interesting, and they will become good professionals. Will act morally and will not even suspect that doing the morally. Here it is, from my point of view, true freedom: I do what I want and need it all. It needs soul, not morality.

And now I want to ask you, dear reader! If I'm boring you, stop reading, go where your soul leads. Your care will be to my advantage: I will try to write better.

Thank you for staying with me! Thank you very much!

So, the behavior must be moral, and morality is the soul does not need. Isn't that a contradiction? And if there is no morality, then what provides the moral behavior? What qualities should be developed to the freedom from moral dogma disorganized behavior?

"Thou shalt not kill!" I want to kill the neighbor, but morals will not let me. Do not kill, restrain themselves, but then kill themselves, but it is also immoral. And you can't kill yourself.

So, let's think! Well, I didn't like you and I killed you. It became easier for me. But what's next? Of course, you have friends, relatives, they will begin to investigate the circumstances of your death. Eventually they would find me and kill me. Suppose I managed to avoid exposure. But I live in fear of breaking the emotional diet and thereby killing himself. Somehow I was able to overcome fear. Now I will kill more often. In the end the people will unite and kill me.

So, if I have a well developed thinking, I'm not going to kill you. If you do not like, I can try with you not to communicate. But this is not the way out. For people with such qualities can meet in the future. Therefore, it is best to learn how to communicate with you and not to step on your sore spot. And as you have dignity, try to identify them and use. No, I'm not going to kill you, not because I'm good, but because it's stupid. I will try to do you good not because I am good, but because it is profitable to me.

Child from an early age, are taught the commandment "thou shalt Not steal", often at the same time crippling his psyche.

That is what happened in my childhood with my patient E., an intelligent woman of 45 years old.

One day, when the girl was five or six years, she wanted ice cream. Parents was not at home. She took from her purse the mother money and bought ice cream. From her point of view, she did not and met their needs. But the house was such a huge scandal on the "do Not steal" that this case crush her soul and she then lives in fear to be convicted of theft. Was never alone in class, when I was a student, and then in the teachers ' lounge, when I became a teacher. Always saw to it that the colleagues are not left on view money and valuables. All this was known to the staff and in the staff room when the money was gone, then, of course, first thought She made excuses that only made matters worse. To quit that he was afraid because he thought that thus would be prove his guilt, and continued for years to work with the reputation of a thief.

It can be countered by the commandment "thou shalt Not steal"? Of course, the ability to earn. Because often stolen when there is no money, and I want to meet some need. When a person is able to earn, and besides, and his work is creative, interesting, to him and the thought of stealing would never come, and needs are not too high. In childhood – an entertaining game in school years is an interesting study in adults – creative work will make unnecessary the commandment "thou shalt Not steal".

The case when a person steals out of jealousy, much harder. He may be rich and, nevertheless, to steal. But then it should get rid of envy. Envy makes people unhappy, and help to get rid of it – one of the tasks of psychotherapy.

Who needs the commandment "thou shalt Not commit adultery"? Of course, the man who has sexual problems. If they are solved, no need to keep this commandment at heart. If not resolved, so I don't look after your wife, you'll be sure to call me to keep this commandment. So the solution is, again, not in blind adherence to the commandments.

"Morality disguises our meanness and malice, as clothes – physical disabilities. Morality makes us hand animals, dress up in something noble," wrote Nietzsche. The great dragon called it morality. "You should" is called the dragon... a Scaly beast "you should", sparking Golden sparks, is... on the road, and on every scale shines like gold, "you should". And "I want" should not exist.

Mind moralizing man is very hard, because he's right, but something must be done. In fact, he's wrong. Of course, we need to exercise, go to work, wash your hands, brush your teeth, to pay for services, to be grateful, to honor our parents, etc. But swallowed in childhood without any assessment and undigested, these regulations require one hundred per cent that are very difficult life. So, you wear a cloak instead of a jacket, took the tram and went to work. After two or three stops you find that you have no money. They stayed in the jacket. Free to go, ask for money or pass strangers is not! To return home or get up and walk? But it is impossible to be late for work! Oddly tread, you still violated the rules, and you start to feel guilty.

So, my observations show that the latter arises when a person violates the rules inculcated by parents and society, not worked out on the basis of their own experience. I advise you to revise your rules:

  • those that derive from experience, keep
  • the rest is to vomit or digest.

Otherwise you risk to get sick and ruin the lives of not only themselves but also others.

Will lead in this regard, one typical case.

My 45-year-old client G, school Director, mother of three children, suffered from chronic mental illness mother. Taking care of her, she is absolutely exhausted. But the condition of the patient worsened and required increasing care. The city became irritable at work and at home unbearable. In addition, disturbed sleep, aching heart, it was hard to cope with the responsibilities at work. When I suggested to solve the problem in principle, i.e., to place the mother in the hospital for chronic mental patients, she flatly refused: "I never forgive!". Didn't want to break some of his commandments, and that this indirectly affects about a thousand people, in calculation were not accepted!


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So, with a mind to get rid of moral dogmas, and thus from guilt. And Oh my God! What a relief you experience when it happens!

All my life I was guided by the idea that is inherent in the proverb: "a Poor soldier who dreams of becoming a General." I understood as a need promoted. And as I become easy when I realized that I should dream of becoming a General just to be a good soldier, that success is a byproduct of properly organized activities that you need to think about your personal growth! I became easy when I realized that you should just do your favorite thing and that weirdo from the man who has achieved success, differs only in that the second succeeded.

But the most interesting that after I began to move up the ladder of success, although it is still considered a crank. I really want this book and, of course, introspection can help you digest at least some portion of your dogma.published


Author: Michael Litvak


P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: litvak.me/statyi/article_post/sotsialnyye-otritsatelnyye-emotsii


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