7 Ways to Respond When Someone Is Trying to Shame You

Shame is one of the most painful emotions a person can experience. When someone tries to shame us, our first reaction is often impulsive: we either defend ourselves fiercely or we shut ourselves down. However, psychologists argue that there are more effective strategies to respond to such manipulation attempts.


Studies show that shame activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. No wonder we react so strongly to attempts to shame us. According to the American psychologist Brene Brown, the author of many studies on shame, this emotion can seriously undermine our mental health and relationships with others.

Understanding the mechanism of shame

Before deconstructing specific strategies, it’s important to understand what happens in our brains when we’re being shamed. Shame differs from guilt in that it affects not our actions, but our whole personality. If guilt says, “I did something bad,” shame whispers, “I’m a bad person.”

It's important to understand: Shame is often used as a tool of control and manipulation. People use shame when they want to force us to change our behavior or submit to their will.




1 Take a break and analyze the situation

When someone tries to shame you, the first thing you do is stop and take a deep breath. Give yourself a few seconds to understand what is happening. Ask yourself: Is what I am being told true, or is it an attempt at manipulation? ?


Neuropsychologists note that the emotional response to shame is faster than the rational understanding of the situation. That is why the pause is so important – it allows you to engage in logical thinking and evaluate the situation objectively.

2 Don’t take shame on a personal account

Trying to shame you says more about who does it than about yourself. Often people use shame as a defense mechanism, projecting their own insecurities and fears onto others.

As the famous psychotherapist Virginia Satir said, “The problem isn’t that there’s something wrong with you.” The problem is that you believe that something is wrong with you.”


3 Set clear boundaries

One of the most effective strategies is to define your boundaries clearly and calmly. You can say things like, “I’m not ready to continue the conversation in this tone,” or “Let’s discuss this constructively, without personality assessments.”

Practical advice: Prepare a few phrases in advance to set boundaries. This will help you not to get confused during a confrontation.


4 Use the “gray stone” technique

This psychological technique suggests that you become as uninteresting as possible to the manipulator as a gray stone. Answer briefly, without emotion, do not engage in discussion. This often deprives the aggressor of the motivation to continue the attack.



5 Ask clarifying questions

Instead of making excuses, try asking the questions: “What exactly do you mean?”, “Can you give a specific example?”, “What purpose are you pursuing by saying this?”. This approach often takes the manipulator by surprise and forces him to reconsider his tactics.

Remember: Questions shift focus from your perceived shortcomings to the logic and motivations of the interlocutor.


6 Practice Self-Compassion

Studies show that people with high levels of self-compassion are less likely to be negatively affected by shame. Develop the habit of treating yourself with the same kindness you would treat a good friend in a difficult situation.

After an unpleasant incident of trying to shame, do a little inventory of your feelings. Recognize their right to exist, but don’t let them define your self-esteem.


7 If necessary, limit communication.

If a person systematically tries to shame you despite your attempts to set boundaries, it may be worth rethinking your relationship with them. Chronic shame can lead to depression, anxiety, and other serious psychological problems.

Psychologist John Gottman, in his research on family relationships, found that contempt and attempts to shame a partner are among the most damaging factors for a relationship.


Long-term strategies to protect against shame

In addition to tactical techniques, it is important to work on strengthening your psychological resilience. Regular reflection, work with a psychologist, meditative practices, and the development of emotional intelligence help to create a reliable “immunity” against attempts to manipulate through shame.

It is important to remember that healthy self-esteem does not mean arrogance or ignoring feedback. It is about the ability to distinguish constructive criticism from destructive shame.


Defending yourself from shame is not only a self-defense skill, but also a contribution to creating a healthier communication environment around you. When we do not succumb to the manipulation of shame, we show others alternative ways of interacting based on respect and understanding.

Glossary
Shame is a painful emotion associated with a sense of inferiority and fear of rejection by society.

Manipulation is a hidden psychological influence on a person in order to force certain actions or change opinions.

Emotional boundaries are psychological limits that protect a person from negative impact and disrespect.

Self-compassion is the ability to treat oneself with understanding and kindness in difficult situations, without self-criticism and self-judgment.

The gray stone technique is a strategy of behavior in which a person becomes as uninteresting as possible for the aggressor, without reacting emotionally to provocations.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s emotions, and to interact effectively with others’ emotions.