Let me tell you how some people have the desire for self-respect turns into the crown
, and the more they try to respect themselves, the higher and wider they grow their crown.
Girl thinks she a valuable prey, and all the actions of the young man only considers this vein. She's a seller on Craigslist, he is the buyer, it seems that he is having fun talking on the phone not to cheaper to buy the right thing, and flirts with her, begins her hunt, not even seeing her. He offers before purchase to check in a cafe like thing works, it sees this as a clear sign that he wants to seduce her.
Indeed! He slowly gets to her elbow as she seems. Yes, cafe is just crowded, but she knows that her elbow can not beckon. After the meeting, he disappears, but she understands that this is a tricky pick up artist which follows tricky strategies and is silent on purpose to drive her crazy!
To comment on the letter comes another lady (another treasure) and sympathizes with the author, not seeing the absurdity of the situation. As unsafe! As it is a risk, so bonding with a stranger in a crowded café. Although the man not only did not close, but did not know what excuse to escape, and now was dodging, she was begging for. But as much as he was, the treasure will be around to see the hunt itself, because the whole world is looking at them with lust
. Yes, they scatter in all directions, but only in order to confuse the trail, then by all means attack. In men, this crown grows not less.
Of course the girl not shy away from the fact that he was distasteful to her, but because she was scared of his feelings that swirl around her head. He tells her that she did not fear him, he will never hurt you. If she banned him everywhere, he sends her a proposal to marry him. She's clearly achieves this! But how else? He's an eligible bachelor, all would love to have this! Many times you've seen in my life, I'm sure she did — "UI, he married. Because marriage with him is rare luck. Look closely at the people treasures.
All of them always straight to minus and down (not just in romantic relationships). They will be in the red with anyone who they like, and very quickly. Not only because they choose people with OZ a lot more than they (can not objectively see yourself in the mirror, their significance for others it seems to them), mainly because I communicate with these people, they like the sympathy for them — the issue was initially resolved. When such people read about self-esteem, they think, yeah, I guess I have little respect myself, I deserve better. And chased away any healthy doubt that they are treasures that are approved in this even more.
Why is this happening?This is due to the merging boundaries.Real self-esteem suggests that you share boundaries with other people.
You acknowledge their separateness, their subjectivity, their personal autonomy and separateness of others, their initial indifference to you. How to make these clever words are not speculative, but work in practice?
This can be done with the help of mantras-installations, which need to not just talk to yourself, and to feel. 1. "Nobody wants me, nobody needs me, but the closest"
2. "All people are busy with their own Affairs, everyone is thinking about themselves and not about me"
When treasure first begin to say the mantra, and feel what you say, they cover the pain and fear. They want to cry from what this world is so indifferent, cold, indifferent.
The world is not indifferent, but the treasures under the participation imply full integration with the world, a place where everyone is busy with them, they are important for everyone, all interesting, all very necessary, and not just need, but need itself, that is, by and large, other people and live only in order to participate in the life of treasure.
When egocentric model gives first crack, and treasure to realize that every person in this world he is the center, is busy, while others may not pay any attention, and in particular its see and not see, treasure feels the protest. No! The world cannot be so cruel. No! People — brothers. Under the brothers he has in mind, "my nurse-nurses". In contrast with the child's fusion of the subjective world does seem very cold, but actually it is much more humane, since the separation boundaries allows each subject to use our freedom.
It's as if over you all the time somebody stood like a nurse, and then would leave you alone and you finally started to do what you want. In the subjective world a lot air, space, ideas, opportunities, and the world of the egocentric — stuffy and a little like a closet with toys.
But getting out of the closet for the first time, you can feel that freedom is very scary. Get used to it, it is necessary to grow support, to feel subjective world steadily and not to stay all the time at someone else's elbow. Treasures and therefore can not achieve the self esteem that they have no main thing — your own self.
Their "self" always implies a complete fusion with others. They try to rely on yourself but rely on others, because others — their inseparable part. Without separation of borders cannot be self-respect, self-esteem is the illusion that everything around you is very appreciated and respected.
"I respect myself" — say, for example, the author of yesterday's letter, and feels self-respect and the respect and even admiration of a guy from Craigslist. If she would submit that the guy she wanted to spit, I forgot about its existence, is not considered interesting, it immediately shrinks up, cringe, droop and feel insignificant. From self-esteem will be drop!
It look nice man determines the worth of a man is the treasure, he in a merger with anyone who he likes. Therefore, any attempt of self-esteem immediately causes the illusion that others look at him admiringly, and if he attempts to introduce indifferent glance, he feels nothing. Empty space not only for the other person but for yourself!To distinguish itself from others need in order to finally find Herself, separate, private.
Let the other thinks you're uninteresting, it's a private matter, his interests, and in the area of their interests you — most interesting
Let other loves you or not even notice, but you love yourself and notice constantly
That's what self-esteem. It not only enables the crown to grow, it helps to remove it completely.
If you respect yourself, you can always rely on yourself, support yourself, and you don't need illusions, you don't need to imagine that you love someone who does not love you, you are much easier and faster to notice that Yes, he does not like, indifferent, indifferent.
Indifference is normal for long-so you conclude that with this person you need distance, it is not close, do not want to have you in the close circle, not to see you beside him. But you are not experiencing the collapse of self-esteem, because you have self-esteem, the main part of the self that depends on your attitude, not depends on who you liked, who ceased to please, and who does not like never. Yourself is yourself. It is the self-respect gives you a stable feeling of self-worth.
For yourself! The crown gives the illusion of value for all others, those who are indifferent to you, and gives self-esteem to gain real value for themselves. For yourself — it's not enough. This is enough to be happy and free.
The division of borders not only does not prevent to establish close ties with people, but also helps because you do not cling to those who you are not interested, you establish relationships with those who are interested as closely as possible with the back, you are stuffed your box with tails half-dead gestalts, do not pull the relationship that you give nothing and only take you force. But self-respect starts with the separation of boundaries and the consent to understand that you are a treasure to other people by default.
For myself — Yes. But any other person may consider you insignificant, unnecessary, it's his full right, you have the same right about him.
And it's the most beautiful thing that people have, their subjective autonomy, the right to join unions on personal(!) choice.
Impossible to separate self-esteem from the crown? published
Author: Marina Komissarova
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©