Is it possible to erase the memory of betrayal and continue to live in couple?
Or is it the wound, after which will forever remain a scar or even non-healing ulcer? In itself, cheating is a blow to the relationship, destroys them and can destroy the participants.
Now we will see what can mitigate and even erase this impact. The impact of infidelity, which came to be known, experiencing both. But the culprit is the one who cheated, and it is important to remember that. No culprit should not try to throw the responsibility on the second, nor the second does not have to take responsibility for themselves. Would be better for both if both will understand all the responsibility on the side of the one who changed — and its activity should be.
It is his task — to soften the blow, and, ideally, to neutralize it if he (she) wants to keep a few. The goal is to soften the blow, which falls on the partner, and the impact that has on him (to calm down and to shift the locus of ceasing to regret that it is impossible to improve, to do what is correct is still possible)
The second would have been a great help, if not will try to take responsibility and make a fuss. Usually this is what leads to the hell-raisers, with both of them, and often led to violent conflict. That is, first husband after learning about his wife's infidelity, falls in shock, then in panic and begins to convince her to stay with him, acknowledging his guilt ("I know I've been cold lately, Yes, you missed love, I'm guilty"), and reassured, feels offended or disgusted, including due to the fact that in a state of shock, humiliated and begged him not to leave him. The same thing happens to wives who have changed and they learned. At first it may be resentment, then trying to take the blame and beg for crumbs under the table, and then disgust and resentment. Resentment over supplements resentment toward a partner! So do me a favor, affected. Suffered you now suffer (beautifully) and let the other party to make amends. This is the most important thing in this situation!
Not to add to the fault of the cheater for their humiliation. Otherwise you'll find that not humiliating the cheating, as your cowardly and petty reaction to it,
and that is what you cannot forgive. And the only solution will be to end the relationship. To it (most importantly, the most basic) was well understood, let's see what breaks as a result of infidelity, that is bearing the brunt.Many people think that screams confidence, but it is not important. 100% reliable, we cannot and do not have anyone, even to those who never cheated.
The night is young. Never night, right? That is why those who suffer from infidelity, but I think that the reason for their pain, distrust, get so much unwanted advice from friends. Friends say to them that to control another person is impossible, everyone can change and change and to ensure stability and faithfulness never. That is, they are trying to convince that it is necessary to reduce the hypercontrol, to relax, to stop pushing changed, but the victims are unable to relieve the pressure and desire control. They suffer from distrust and suffer from the fact that they are the despots not want permanent records and evidence.
In the end, so intense and oppressive (and eternally dissatisfied, suspicious) behavior of the victim causes the perpetrator says: "I'm tired, let's end this, if you don't believe me". Typically, the controller is frightened, pleads, promises to believe, but believe...after that even less (because the partner does not value them, it appears) and starts to monitor secretly. And with this, the more offended and suffer. And it is al — together.
To get out of this circle, we must realize that the main blow when the betrayal comes, not to trust and not to the sense of security and not a sense of unity, as it seems to the victims. The main blow falls on the self-esteem of a person (!).
And this should only work it really pays off. The man who changed partner, especially important partner (beloved or spouse, especially the husband's favorite), suffers a blow to the self-esteem and self-respect.
Who is a little versed in the subject figures in the field, can you imagine that in the case of adultery, blow gets his own figure in his own field.
She flies like a part, sometimes even the head. And the faster the shape will be restored, the faster people will come in strong condition and will be able to turn the tide in their favor.
For this you have to reflect on that, smarting from betrayal, you suffer from the fact that a significant person has neglected you, humiliated you, lowered your figure in his field is low, devalued you, and now in your field, this whole situation has reflected this so twists.That's why aggression occurs first, then wanting a divorce (to separate your field), and then there is fear.
The fear is that you are afraid that you will go away and your figure will disappear from the field second, he will exchange you for another, he will laugh at you with others, it is even more neglected you, devalue you completely.And you will remain with a deep wound, lonely, not able to easily recover your box and fill it with new love story.
Hence the panic and the willingness to "grasp at straws teeth".
It is very important not to rush like a chicken in front of the car in one direction and then the other. The main task — to raise their self-esteem.
At least — to keep him from falling further. As soon as you feel beautiful, strong, worthy of respect in their eyes and the eyes of the partner, the pain of betrayal will pass.
If let ugly, miserable, humiliating actions, the pain of betrayal will be more. The nice behavior in the case of adultery: to Express amazement and distance. Remember: wonder and distance. How are you going to Express amazement, anger, pain or stupor — your choice depends on your nature and the nature of the relationship.
But you have to Express amazement. Those who respond "Ah, I knew it!" or "it's clear, all women are whores" or "how is it you cool?", "big he is?", making a huge mistake and lowered my self esteem (although trying to devalue the partner), increasing your damage.
Even if you knew, you still chose not to know, that is, in General, you are still surprised, and if the news caught you like a thunderbolt from a clear sky, especially, and not pretend that you have long accepted this situation and live in it for a long time. In fact, you imply that you are a doormat, you were aware of, and nothing lived. Trying to Express their contempt and cynicism, you're lying, but the lie hits you. So — just amazement. You didn't know otherwise I would have behaved differently!
And the clearer the emotion, the better. Chtoo? Tyy? It? My world collapsed today. I did not expected of you. And so on. In a polite manner, nastier and sharper, briefly and with restraint, you can, this is to your taste, depending on your usual style of communication.But don't let off steam in the horn, strong emotion is always neat, especially associated with amazement. Further need distance. Maximum of those that you can afford. Can leave, leave. You can go with things, even better.
If I can not go, stay, distancing in his apartment, ask not to come to you, touch you and give you time to think. Let people understand that you are considering and then you can further distance yourself from him, if he does not take the steps and do not try to fix it. That is, the faster and farther you cut yourself off, the better (less like a pair of tongs, the stronger the significance of your grow), but at least just go in yourself, stop trying to initiate disassembly, don't say anything and don't ask. It will be something. All this is necessary not only for the growth of your importance in the field of cheater (although it will grow, no doubt, this is the only correct tactics for growth in your importance after you attacked), but to lift your self-esteem.
Really want to stress and rush on the neck of the traitor, pretending that nothing happened, and men most often I want to get a cheater to bed. Not worth the hassle. Stress will decrease slightly or not, and your self-esteem will certainly drop even more, if you can be the initiator of the location immediately after infidelity you. You will follow the bad behavior of your spouse, show him that you are becoming hot and very passionate, when you change. But the main thing is you yourself do not forgive and it will nurture your resentment for the traitor. He humiliated you, you came to the stress and humiliated even more, and will blame it. Therefore, do not humiliate. If the initiative comes from the proximity of the apostate, that is, he rushes to your neck speaks of love, pulls to bed, you can step back and give him better first, but the second is not so fatal.
I can afford, but the initiative must be his, and yours is a concession to him (a loss). But if the initiator reach you, then you find that you used ha... Okay, I won't say hurtful words to you, and so hard. But help your self esteem, don't forget about it at this point. Remember: it accounts for the main shock and all the subsequent ills of this injury. Now the eraser for edit, that can take advantage of the one who changed to mitigate the consequences of his act.
You need to demonstrate respect for your partner. Cheating you expressed contempt, so to compensate we must respect. All your actions should be aimed to regain his confidence in place, to prove that his persona in front of your eyes and the eyes of the witnesses is minimally affected and no longer suffer. Real eraser will work, if the partner believes that:
1. All the initiative belonged to the other side and on the other side have feelings for you
2. You presented it as a dear, beloved, but cold to you guys,
3. The significance of opponent is much lower than his, and you opponent is ready to understand.
Let's see what sent this information. The victim ceases to feel that humiliated him. You need to reflect on this theme of humiliation is rehabilitation, not to close it (say, to humiliate me impossible! it is possible of course) for the theme change it the main. The other is not. Everything comes from this: and flour, there is lack of confidence and disgust that brought the filth and the nausea from hypocrisy, and aversion to sex, all because the victim feels humiliated, and if he can't reflect on it anyhow.
If you want to use the eraser and erase at least some of the consequences of infidelity, try to make it clear to your partner that its value for you — large, the value of rival small that the opponent is aware of his great value to its low value, and — the value of your opponent with the great.
In fact it is necessary to draw a picture (and preferably in reality, too, her match, but Yes, it is advisable not to change at all, but if it happened, then this here is the picture softens the blow) which has a partner and he's up there and you look up, there is a rival and he looks at you from below and on your partner even more on the bottom. If you get such a picture, the self-esteem of your partner can be restored, he will feel better and be able to forgive you.
Of course, he will not forgive you, if adultery is the last straw, everyone has long been bad, and it makes no sense to restore anything. But if he still needs you, if he wants to save the marriage, then the eraser will work, you will be able not only to erase the effects of infidelity, and strengthen your relationship of mutual contributions and attention to each other.
That is, the victim needs to distance himself, and the hero must try to keep (do not let those you love, if they themselves have changed, not to let them escape, force is not necessary to stop, but try to stop words), and if failed to stop, it is necessary to try to recover, speaking about his repentance, but most importantly, stressing the importance and value of the partner. As soon as his feeling of humiliation will take place, you will agree to return.
You have to be willing to do this for real steps: to refuse to communicate with an opponent, showing the recent correspondence where you categorically and firmly break off the connection, give a password and temporarily give control. In this case, your pair can be recovered.
The control should not go on forever, but he is usually required to restore self-respect of the victim in the first months after infidelity.
The main mistakes made by the perpetrators:
- say that changed, because the partner was unattractive, unsexy (is that right to say, "I'm not interesting, and she showed initiative")
- say lost his head and was doing the (correct to say: "I was stressed, I went on about whim")
- say that the opponent (the opponent) is very cool, smart, beautiful (correct to say: "it is all inferior to you, but she showed me affection and I gave in, and now I'm sorry")
That is all wrong is due to a reduction in the importance of the victim compared to a contender, all right — the increased importance compared to the opponent.
If the victim goes into a rage and monotonously claims that you do not need him anymore, unpleasant, he does not love you and does not need you, at some point it is better to do the peak, than to continue to stick, lowering the importance. Defiance cannot be done immediately, it is necessary first to apologize, promise, proof, that is,you first need to create a field of his innocence, and his readiness to atone for the harm and build a better relationship.
But if the victim does not accept, can at some time be offended to say that if you don't need, you can go to those who need you. And distance, giving the victim time to think.
That is, in addition, to help restore the self-esteem of the victim, we should not forget about his. Yes, you are guilty, but you don't have time now to lie in the legs. Knelt down and raised up enough. If you don't want to forgive, it means you don't like, remember this. Love has a very large margin of forgiveness. Just help the person to forgive you, but don't force him if he doesn't want to.
Author: Marina Komissarova
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! © econet