I think that most know the "light" feeling of envy. At least a couple of times in the life of this "good" feeling everyone experiences. At least I think so. Although there are always those who claims that he is feeling is strictly unfamiliar. "Oh who would be jealous" — often this phrase so that it becomes clear — with envy person not by hearsay familiar.
Indeed there are those who are jealous of rare and situational, and there are people who chronically save their money, though they will not admit it. In this article I will briefly describe what causes the feeling as it manifests itself, and how changing the behavior of a jealous person.Talk a little bit what to do when jealousy arises in you, and what to do if you have to deal with jealous people.
What is envy in scientific language?
To start perhaps is with the definition. I will present two definitions of envy – the scientific and the vernacular. Science
envy is defined as:Affective experience of a person when the success of another person, accompanied by the increase of achievement motivation.
In this article we will consider why there are emotions and what is really going on with motivation, because I am a scientific definition is not quite right to interpret the change of motivation in the emergence of envy.
definition can be formulated in the following way:envy when you feel bad because the other is getting well.
I already wrote that there are people who have envy infrequent guest at their sensual sphere, and is, on the contrary, it is extremely envious people. So let's define who are inclined to feel a sense of envy and why. Consider the preconditions for its emergence.
The causes of envyUnstable self-esteem
What it is I'm here in detail will not paint, because this is a big and important material. In short, this self-image, which leads to a change in the views of the person about himself, depending on events that occur in his life. Some events lead to an increase in self-esteem, other events lead to a drop in self-esteem.
For example, I saved for a car, bought it, than were very proud. A chance meeting with a buddy who moves at a more expensive car can lead to a drop in self-esteem, because your own car pales in the glare of the car friend. The real situation is irrelevant (because the car was neither worse nor better), but self-esteem is low, and the performance of man about himself can change for the worse. The reason is the unstable self — esteem.
Accordingly, the success of the man begins perceive as their own inadequacy, which is accompanied by a drop in self-esteem, with all its attendant consequences in the form of negative emotions, feelings and other things. The greater the amplitude of the self from plus to minus and back, the more people tend to envy.
So often jealousy occur in people with self-esteem ", I+If I'm the Best
". Representatives of other types can also be jealous, but usually it is not as explicitly.
People with stable self-esteem is not affected by envy, because his "I" does not depend on external circumstances. The object of envy
Remember semen Semenovich Gorbunkov, in the movie "the diamond arm" was saying: "Guys. It should've been me".
Though there the context was different. But when a person is envious of another, he in fact says roughly the same thing that semen Semenovich. It should've been me. This I had to improve. I need to earn as much. This I have to have this machine. I was supposed to go to a conference in the States.
"Toad" begins to choke, not always, when we are faced with the successes of others. Envious people can safely move another success of bill gates returned to first place in the rating of Forbes. But can long survive the rise colleagues in the service, which now receives 10 percent more of it.Why are billions of the founder of Microsoft is not causing bouts of jealousy, and ten thousand colleagues perceived extremely painful?
We again returned to the theme of unstable self-esteem. Who is familiar with the material, he remembers that the defining moment for people with unstable self-esteem, is the classification of people according to the type of "above-below", "better-worse". Of course a person finds their place in this classification. There are people whom he places the "below" themselves, and there are those whom he considers "above" itself.
Whom he is usually jealous?
Those whom he considers inferior and those who can be considered a little higher today, but not by much. So envy to a colleague arose, because he was in classification there is either lower or not much higher. That is, as if a person believes that he is no less, and perhaps even more worthy candidate to receive the result, which went to someone.
The head of Microsoft in his own classification is much higher. It recognizes the supremacy of bill gates over myself, not counting on such achievements, so calmly accepts the success of the authority. Although I met a couple of people that unnerved even Gates and Jobs .
Such distortions in the estimation of the people lead to the fact that "suffocate toad" the person is not even trying to understand why, due to what the subject of envy came to the result. In the end, he learns nothing and doesn't draw any conclusions.
Field of activity
Someone from the great said that the strongest is the envy of the envy of the personal qualities of the person. I believe that this is not entirely true, because first of all I envy the result. Do have personal characteristics that enabled man to achieve results. But... hand on heart, if you take 1,000 people and offer them the right result, without purchasing all of the personal qualities, I think that the number of failures will tend to zero. So we envy all the same result
. Not necessarily material. In the result of the marriage of a friend, may well cause envy in the girls ' environment.
But important is not only the result but also the way in which this result was obtained. If you got it on the way in the field of activity in which the person considers as possible, the chances for the emergence of envy a lot more. Conversely, if the result obtained in the field which people are not even considered for yourself as possible, then jealousy may not occur.
What does it mean?
If I see myself in business, I can envy the achievements obtained in various fields of Commerce. Someone has become a top Manager and now flies business class at the expense of the company. Someone started a business and succeeded in it. Since I all these ways are regarded as feasible for themselves, that is, I am ready to do this, the results of others obtained by them in the way of business can cause envy.
A meeting with a successful gynecologist, or an artist of the Philharmonic may not cause negative emotions and rather not cause envy because I these activities do not consider themselves as possible.Sometimes even asking, you can determine its purpose, by whom you envy.
It is theoretically possible, but in reality it is not the fact that this is your destiny. Jealousy that occurs to the result, and you just think that in this way the gains will come faster. That is, this is a very controversial indicator that can be misleading.The uncertainty that you're on the right track
Is important, because if a person is not sure that he is interested in what he was doing, or he doubts that he will get his desired level of achievement on this path, he begins to "turn my head around", trying to see more interesting and faster ways of obtaining the desired. That is why the emergence of envy is often accompanied by thoughts that maybe I'm not doing so, maybe we should do something else. The man motivating example of him whom he envies, and he feels that he can succeed on this path. Moreover, as we explained in the second paragraph, he's better and more talented.We discussed four preconditions for the emergence of envy, the very same "light feeling" arises when we compare ourselves with others and lose in this comparison. The loss is accompanied by a drop in self-esteem that is accompanied by negative emotions, which in the scientific definition was "affective experience".
Since self-esteem is perhaps the most important in the human psyche, when it crashes, it tries in every way this fall to compensate. How the person behaves when there is envy, is determined by ways of compensation of the fall of self-esteem.
Methods of compensation of envy
first, we can distinguish conscious and unconscious ways to compensate for envy. I will use this term, although in fact compensation of envy is a payment drop-esteem
. Way to quickly restore the fallen self-esteem.
In the vast majority of cases, the man simply does not understand that he is jealous. Moreover, he denies that he feels envy. Phrases like "who would be jealous" of "Opera". Everything he does in this case, he makes "a pure heart" and not because of some kind of envy.
Sometimes a person realizes that he is jealous, although the behavior in this case differ little from the unconscious ways. But if You understand the mechanism, You can easily understand what people use to compensate for envy. Arsenal limited and is as follows: since my goal is to return self-esteem in the plus, that's what I can do:
- To belittle the achievement of the person jealous.
- To belittle the person who is envious.
- Raise themselves.
How does it work?
Let's imagine a situation. Students stand near the University. Drives expensive cars, comes from a girl from a nearby stream. He said, "hi, girls!" and enters the building. It would seem that the situation is ordinary, but the mood is spoiled for a week. And the three girls have a magical way to end the experience in the next three minutes.
Let's go through the list.Drop the achieving, that is the car.
— BMW I never liked.
— Rear-wheel drive. Damn. As it is winter driving.
— One hundred percent of EB/lug.
— The Germans "pouring" just a guard. I have a friend...
Omit the object of envy:
I heard she sleeps with a man. He's 60 years old.
Just to be born in a rich family is a great achievement, Yes
— Once again convinced that the taste money can't buy
— Car bought and your driving licenseRaise yourself:
Fu. To sleep with Dedkov car. I would for that did not go for it.
— I achieved all by myself
— I, at least, honest
I brought a little exaggerated example. Now knowing the mechanisms, You can exercise in the diagnosis of manifestation of envy from themselves and from others. Used to compensate for envy.To belittle the achievement.
To belittle the person.
- Criticism. Search "fleas" in the works, the subject of envy.
- Depreciation. Belittling the value of achievements.
To raise themselves.
- Criticism of personality.
- Criticism of the method of obtaining the result – stole, rogues, honestly earn, has the merit of others, etc.
- Opposition. Poor, but honest. Work in production, and not speculate.
There is another method of compensation of envy, which is common in people with particularly painful "I". This is revenge, aggression,
which can manifest itself in conscious or unconscious harassment. The desire to do bad for the one who is jealous. It may not happen immediately, but "stone in the bosom" will wait for the right moment.
It is for this reason, you need to be careful when dealing with jealous people. Many people love the envy and then wonder why they are so. I think I could answer this question.
How to deal with envious?
In my opinion with a jealous person you need to communicate with caution. For your achievements he perceives as his defeat. In principle, even good, if it just compensates the envy of one of the first three methods. Worse, when he starts to retaliate.
When someone asks a question and writes that "I have jealous friends", then you need to understand that this does not friends. In my understanding, friends are those who can enjoy your success. And it's a rare quality, in our quite envious society.
But sometimes we are forced to deal with jealous people. We cannot choose colleagues. What to do then? First try less to tell about their successes.
Spare the feelings of colleagues. And secondly, help them
. How? There is a reception, which I call the "break his leg myself."
In the movie "the adventures of Italians in Russia" there is an episode where mobster promises to break the leg of the character played gorgeous Evstigneev. I think we all remember the famous scene with the words "do Not. I" — Evstigneev has a column of a building and breaks his leg, and along the column. What this means in relation to the jealous circle?If You know a man jealous, you need to understand that or he will compensate for the resulting envy, or You'll do it for him.
If You do what he's going to do himself, You help him to recover balance "a little blood". At least you will manage this process.
What it looks like. For example, You arrived in a new car for work, and I know that this fact, some colleagues perceive ambiguous. What can You do? Say that disappointed in the car and stupidly made the wrong choice. I wish I took and got credit. In General, give a helping hand to envious comrades.
The more You do the work for them, the less impact.
One day I was approached by a girl with a problem. She worked in the Bank and she had a great relationship with the boss. She recently broke up with a guy, head of a newly divorced, on this topic, they agreed. The boss took her under his wing. After a while the girl starts Dating a guy who was better than her relationship with the young person, the worse the relationship with shefini. She began to find fault, to think of the work that remained after the working day. Became embittered and irritable.
When she asked what the answer was on the surface. By the way, who understood the mechanisms, stop and try to come up with a solution.
The solution is simple. The guy asked not to go beyond it to work. Boss she said he left her. And then returned the original a good relationship.
I often hear the objection, "how is it that now nothing to tell."
To be honest, I from such methods are also not happy with, but if You have, I stress forced, to communicate with envious people, it is better You did than them. And they will envy will be compensated, and where it will lead is unclear. If You and these people nothing to do, just do not pay attention. But if you have an important contact, it is best to consider what I wrote.About the famous "white envy"
. As You know, there is no such. Envy is always black, that is accompanied by negative emotions. White envy rather refers to the term joy the achievements of other people. Or can be used in man the desire to please another, the phrase "I envy you white envy". Replace this expression for "I'm sincerely happy for you!" and confusion will be.
In conclusion, a little about motivation. I often hear that envy is a good motivator. It's not true.
Firstly typically the motivation is not long enough
Second, envy leads to a drop in self-esteem,
and if you constantly motivated by envy, you will have the feeling "sad loser" who tries to compensate for his inferiority complex.
Thirdly,it is not achievement motivation
, scientific definition is given in the beginning of the article — the bug that's intrinsic motivation avoidance. Envy leads to activation of an inferiority complex, and all motivation is aimed to get rid of this complex. So a person begins to do not what actually he want and to strive for those achievements which are the object of envy. Although maybe it is there and not necessary.Envy is a very bad motivator.
I've seen people who have achieved a lot, but at the heart of their achievement lay envy. Can't be life, even enemies wish. Angry, depressed. In General, this is a bad motivation.
And in the conclusion. And what to do to get rid of envy?
You can of course write that you need to stop comparing ourselves with others. It will be right, but... But not enough. Need to get back to the preconditions of envy. First and foremost is the stabilization of self-esteem.Envy is a symptom of unstable self-esteem, which disappear or decrease when self-esteem stabiliziruemost.
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki