Today I will answer the question of how to get rid of jealousy and to stop being envious of people
. Jealousy is a common Vice, which is reflected in the various cultures and traditions. For example, in Catholic theology, the envy is one of the seven deadly sins associated with other vices and crimes.
Indeed, out of envy committed many terrible acts about which people later regret. But even if people do not envy throws out, then she eats it from the inside, forcing us to experience the senseless pain and frustration due to the fact that other people have things that this person wanted to have or possess the personal qualities that the envious person wishes to possess.
This senseless pain is because cannot lead to anything but misery. Envy, dissatisfaction, which have to compare yourself to other people, not bring us closer to what we so much envy: money, attention, social status, visual appeal.
Instead share the joy of success with the other person or to use his example as a life lesson, we get jealous, subconsciously wish him failure, to cultivate hatred and suffer.
But the insidiousness of envy is not only that it causes other vices like hatred, intolerance, irritation, and discouragement. The fact is that envy is not susceptible to saturation.
No matter how rich we were, anyway, someone will be richer than we are. If we get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, and in any case we'll ever meet people more physically attractive than we are. But if we are the clear leader in something, there will always be people who will surpass you in something else. The outside world will allow us to finally satisfy his sense of envy.How to stop being jealous of people
This does not mean that feelings cannot be removed. But to do that, you need to direct impact on the mental mechanisms of the emergence of this feeling and not the objects of the external world that this feeling supposedly called. After all, the reasons all your emotions and desires lie within you. I hope this article will help you overcome these reasons. I'll tell you how you need to work hard to achieve this.
1. Don't feed your envy
Many people, when they begin to envy instinctively trying to stop jealousy in the following way. For example, they are hurt by the fact that their neighbor has more money than them. To cope with this feeling, they begin to think, "Well, what if he is richer? But I'm smarter, I got a better education and my wife, though not so beautiful, but younger than him."
Such arguments are a bit cool the jealousy and allow yourself to feel better and a developed person than your neighbor, the wealth of which they certainly got gotten.
This is the natural course of the thoughts of the person experiencing envy. Many psychological articles give advice in the same spirit: "in consideration of your merits and good qualities. Look what you better than other people!"
Also, these sources recommend to look for what is hidden behind external well-being the object of envy, offering to subdue my envy by thinking that the people you envy may not be as good as it seems from the outside.
May the wealth of your neighbor goes to hard, he has to invest a lot of effort and, most likely, he has no time even to spend all that money. And his wife probably had the character of a bitches and vents all of his anger at the neighbor when he returns from the tiresome work.
In my opinion, such advice does not serve the purpose of eliminating envy, though, would seem to correspond to common sense. Why do I think so?
Because when you similar way of trying to cope with his jealousy, you continue to give her the indulgence, feed it. After all, you don't get that "demon" envy shut up. Instead, you politely calm sense of superiority over others, or the knowledge that the outsiders is not as good as it seems. Is it possible to defeat this "demon"? After all these arguments he gratefully swallow, but will be satisfied only at a time!
It's like that throw a hungry and vicious dog a bone, so he got her something over my mouth and stopped barking and biting the bars of the cage in which it sits. But the bone he will sooner or later crack open. She does not satisfy his appetite, but only excite him even more! And his fangs become sharper, saeculis about the bone.
Therefore, I believe that it is not necessary to feed his envy such exhortations. This does not mean that we should all consider themselves worse than others. This means, just accept what is, not wishing to any persons of failures and not putting himself above others.The demon of jealousy will only die when you stop to feed him the fruit from the tree of his own dominance.
I have to apply this principle in my life often enough. For example, I notice that my friend has a great sense of humor, much better than me. I instinctively begin to think, "well, I better say and Express my thoughts...". But immediately interrupting himself: "Stop! No "but". Just my friend has a better sense of humor than me. This is a fact. That's all."
It is a quiet acceptance of the fact that someone is better than you in something without any "concessions" on the part of the Ego requires a certain courage. But the only way to defeat your Vice and starve the daemon of envy.
Of course, that's not enough. Must not all be clear how to that come. I'll try to give other tips that will help you without much emotion to recognize that you are a great man and there are people who have something better. I'm not saying that you should totally accept it and not to improve its quality. Not at all. I will also discuss in this article what does envy is self-development. But about all under the order.
2. Get rid of the sense of justice
Often envy associated with our notions of justice. It seems to us that our neighbor (suffering) does not deserve the money that he earns. The money has to earn you, because you are smart, educated, intelligent, not what your neighbor, which is nothing but beer and football is not interested, and you doubt even about if he ever finished school.Due to the divergence of reality and your expectations are born of frustration, frustration.
But it is important to understand that perceptions of justice exist only in your head! You think: "actually, I have to earn more than I receive." Who should? Or why should it? The world exists according to its own laws, which do not always conform to your ideas about right and wrong, fair and unfair.
This world you "must" do nothing. Everything in it happens as it happens no other way.
When you start to think about the injustices committed against you, you look at it from the perspective of those things that are not yours but are someone else and are the objects of your envy. But for some reason you don't think about those things that you have.
You ask: "Why do I have such an expensive car as your neighbor, where is the justice?"
But you didn't ask: "Why do I have a house, and someone not? Why do I even want this car, and some people are born disabled with severe physical limitations and can not even think neither about women nor about cars?"
Why don't you ask, where is the justice in the latter case? Do you think that injustice is done only in relation to you?
Such is the world. It does not always meet our expectations. Get rid of all the "should". Accept it.
3. Wants people to goodnessLearn to rejoice in others ' successes, and
not to suffer because of them. If your friend or loved one has reached some kind of success, then it's good! It's close to you, which you surely wish happiness and prosperity as they have in relation to it sympathy or love (otherwise he wouldn't be your friend).
And that's just fine, if this friend bought a new apartment in Moscow or married a smart and beautiful woman. Try to be happy for him! Of course, when you try to do it, you will be greeted by a sense of injustice: "Why he has that, and I don't?"
Instead, think about something there is at least one of you and it's better than if it was not for anybody."I" and the other "I"
Many human defects come from the fact that we very much cling to his "I"
, considering that the desires, thoughts, needs this "I" is much more important than the needs of another "I".
And envy also occurs from this affection. We believe that the fact that we possess or do not possess some things much more important than whether these things other people. Technically there is no difference in who goes on an expensive jeep, you or your neighbor. Just the jeep belongs to someone and someone uses it. But inside of your self, this fact becomes of great importance. It is important for you to have this jeep was it you, you, your "I" enjoyed a ride on it, not "I'm" someone else! There is nothing surprising. That nature has made man so that he puts self in the center of all existence.
But this does not mean that such order is final and unchanging. People very rarely think about the following thing: "why all of a sudden my happiness and satisfaction is much more important than the happiness and satisfaction of another person?" If they often thought about it, they have, in my opinion, there would be the chance to understand that their "I" is not the most important thing in the world that strangers represent a variety of "I", each of which wants something just like you, wants something just like you, suffers and rejoices as you do.
And this understanding should open the way to empathy and empathy, which will allow you to share someone else's joy and a deeper understanding of other people's suffering. This is not just some moral ideal, it is a way to stop clinging to their own desires for the most important thing in the world and to gain independence from these desires and from the fact that not all desires we will be able to satisfy.The more a person considers their "I" is the most important thing in the world, the more he suffers.Exercise:
So when you next time will cover the attack of envy in relation to the person close to you, try to figure out how to put yourself in the shoes of this man, know his joy and satisfaction of a large purchase, think about what feelings he's experiencing. Imagine how he moves into a new apartment with his family or how he travels on a spacious car which he purchased recently.Then focus on your feelings for this person, think about how much you love him and respect and how you are glad that he is now well.
In General, try to imagine the object of his envy, not from your discontent and from the satisfaction of your friend or close relative. Go beyond their own "I" and stay at least slightly on the spot "I" of another! It is a very rewarding experience.
Enough to do this exercise for five minutes and you will cease to be of so much importance to the fact that this joy is not you. You can at least a little to share it with another person and be happy for him.
I understand that this advice is hard to apply to people you dislike or who simply are not close to you. But you should try to be as friendly towards all people, regardless of your likes and dislikes. Life will be much easier if you can do it.
4. Make compliments
A great way to quickly get rid of the attack of envy is to compliment the person in respect of what you zaviduete. This may seem terribly counterintuitive, but it works and produces amazing instant effect.
Once my friend told me about some events connected with sport. He said very exciting, but what struck me most is the fact that he remembered in detail some features of the life and career of the athletes in his head is placed a variety of dates and events! I immediately thought: "this mash! I wouldn't be able to remember so many details!" And I began to feel the familiar lump of envy inside. I have always most envied the fact that people in some are smarter than me.
But instead of thinking about how bad it is, I'm a brute, smiled and said, "Look, you just have a great memory! You only have so much to remember!?"
And in that moment I felt better, the envy went. And I realized that in this situation everyone wins: my friend got a nice compliment, and I stopped worry about the fact that he is in some things superior to me! Everyone is happy!
And since then, I always use this method and he did not once rescued, a refuge from the attacks of envy. Again, back to our metaphor with the "demon" of envy, which we are trying to starve. Our compliment will give this demon to understand that we are not just depriving him of food. We'll just take a piece of food that was meant for him, and take it to someone else (maybe that someone is your sincere empathy, support and love) so that someone ate it in the eyes of the "demon". We show him their determination not to obey his whims and act the opposite way.
Let your compliment is not sincere, let it be said through the force, but still it will lead you to a good result. Just try it! Action can give rise to emotions, and not just Vice versa!
5. Think about the development!
Sometimes, that envy appears for the reason that the success of others and dignity remind us of our own imperfections and shortcomings. Compared to other people, we start to feel themselves losers, weak people and it causes a sharp sense of dissatisfaction and envy.
But, even if we do something worse than others, it does not mean that it will always be! It is from the belief that our personality can't change and to go beyond innate ability and creates many defects: painful self-conceit, intolerance to failure, rejection of criticism and envy.
People with this setting instead of having to develop, directs all its power to prove that he is better, smarter than others from birth. To prove to himself. But the reality will not always repeat its expectation, causing an acute disappointment and rejection.We can develop in ourselves the qualities that we envy when we see other people.
After all, if we think about their qualities in this way, the reasons to envy will be less adversarial because the outcomes which we find ourselves, comparing ourselves with other people, will not be final! We will cease to dwell on our alleged constant imperfection, which is most clearly manifested on the background of the advantages of others, and will strive to change. We can become better and closer to what so jealous.
Of course, the idea that we can be as smart (or rich), like our friend, if you make an effort to going to develop your brain (or to learn how to make money) may encourage the person and help him cope with the feeling of envy to the other.
But, nevertheless, it is not necessary to completely convert the envy into motivation for development. After all, if we will only develop to become better people, we will be to tolerate notorious disappointment. First, still someone will be better than us. Second, any quality, we still could not do much to develop. As if we badly wanted, we will not be able to obtain the appearance of Hollywood actor. Thirdly, our expectations and hopes are not always realized. Even with Herculean efforts, we could not achieve what I wanted.
Therefore, on the one hand, it is necessary to develop their qualities, because this will help you become better and happier, not to feed his pride. On the other hand, you need to accept yourself the way you are, especially where you can't change and be prepared that your plans will not come true. It is a delicate balance between the desire to grow, to become better self-acceptance and the willingness to everything. If you find this balance, you will be much happier and you will envy others less.
6. Be prepared to take responsibility for the path that chose
Each person to choose their own path. This choice does not have to occur only once in a lifetime. This path is analogous to the branched road, the fork where you meet often. Different ways have different advantages. And the benefits that are on the same path, may not exist on other.
So do not compare your path with the path of another person, because you yourself have made your choice, and your choice was also made by a different person.
If your used car with a rattling engine in the highway ahead of a huge, brilliant jeep, at the wheel which you recognize your friend, you should know that this man follows his way different from yours.
Maybe at the time you made a bid for freedom from the daily work, a large amount of time that you can devote to yourself or your family, not on making money. Then a man in a jeep decided it would be spending a lot of time at work constantly thinking about how to earn more. He was going to risk striving for more and the result of their labors could afford to buy this jeep.
Each chose his own and got what was supposed when it is selected, you freedom and privacy, someone else- money.
But the choice is not always conscious. Maybe your friend an expensive car at the time, chose the opportunity to work for their future, to get a good education and job. And you at the same time, chose the immediate pleasure of her future: skipped classes at the Institute, went for a walk, drank and had fun. And it is also a choice, although you might not be aware.
So be prepared to take responsibility for the consequences of their choice. This is your path and you choose.
And by the way, can always change it. Then what can you do to envy?
But if, say, you and your friend originally selected is the same: education, then work and money, but the result is for each of you different: you are driving a clunker, and he is on a beautiful jeep. You as much work as he, but not getting a significant result. What to do in this case? And here again we come to the concept of justiceWhat is your way?
You can accept that your path is determined not only by your choice but by the direction of the road, obstacles on your course, your long legs. That is, it depends on accidental circumstances, good luck, your abilities, encounters on this journey with other people, etc.
If so, then everything falls into place. It turns out that there cannot be two identical paths
, each path is unique. The result of this path were formed under the action of a multitude and variety of factors, that is, this result is no accident. It existed in the framework of causal relationships that determined the final result. That is, everything happened as it should happen no other way. Maybe this is the real justice, which is that everything happens according to some mysterious person order? (I'm not talking about karma or something like that, I am only talking about causality, we are not able to cover with his mind.)
I know that they've gone to philosophy, but I want to say that all these arguments can be applied in life. Understand that the fact that you drive a old car didn't just happen. This result has prepared a variety of events of your life, it had involved the fate of different people. It was your way.
Let you were not always able to make a choice and decide where to move, but what happened, happened. That's life.
7. Consider the value of what you are jealous
In fact, many things that people are jealous is worth to envy them. Do you think that a person who has an expensive Villa and a yacht significantly happier you, because these things does he have? No, it is not. Man gets used to everything and what seems to you a source of happiness, while you do not possess, ceases to be so, it is necessary only to achieve this. Man is designed in such a way that the successes and achievements bring only short satisfaction. Such self-deception is due to the work of the neurotransmitter dopamine.
What man would not sought, it does not reach the happiness which he promises his imagination.
Therefore, in principle, there is no such material things, which would be worth at all to be jealous. As a significant difference between the rest of you have them or not, really not. I understand that to some, this statement seems highly debatable, but if you think about it, all it is. Remember your childhood, unless you were more unhappy than now, due to the fact that had the attributes of adult life(car, money, etc.)? And when you have these things, unless you become more happy in comparison with what it was before?
I don't think so. But what can we say about material things, but about some personal qualities. Intelligence, beauty, charisma, etc. In fact, these qualities, as well as material things also don't make people happier (at least not always). They can form short contentment, fleeting pleasure, but you cannot say that a beautiful and intelligent man happy all the time just because he is! He attributes this to its it also gets used as a boat or car! Moreover, the beauty (and the mind too) is not eternal. Once they start fading. And then the one who were to these things tied, feel acute dissatisfaction and even suffering!
So there is virtually no things that ought to envy. Because many of them do not bring the expected happiness. It does not matter, in principle, smart people or stupid, beautiful or ugly. By and large, all have a similar destiny: from billionaire to pauper, from top models to battered Housewives. Because it is impossible to say that some of them are much happier than the other.
It's a pretty strange statement for an article on the website dedicated to self-development. "Why develop if there is no difference, what will happen in the end?" — You will ask. Have to say to that, firstly I never thought about self-development for self-development. All the qualities you need to develop, I considered only from the standpoint of the ability to achieve happiness as instruments of happiness, not an end in itself. Secondly, I don't want to say that there is no difference really between those, you smart or stupid, rich or poor. Just don't need to get attached to these things and believe that the one who possesses them is sure rests on some happy Olympus and therefore those things you need for happiness.
Why I took happiness as the one that determines the feature of human destiny. Because everyone, consciously or not, aspire to happiness. But most of them choose the wrong path and even reaching the fabulous wealth and power do not come back.
Conclusion. Envy prevents us from learning from other people
Why envy is such a big blemish? I said in the beginning, that it brings no benefit, but only the one suffering. It prevents us to share with others their joy. But there is another reason. Envy prevents us from learning from other people. Instead of looking at their strengths and achievements and strive for them, we suffer silently because of envy, secretly wishing these people failures.
The feature of negative emotions is that they cause a person to dwell on them, depriving his mind of mobility and choice: a man can only think about one thing. But the openness, sincerity, respect and empathy give the mind more freedom. And he gets the opportunity to learn something new.
If you cease to be jealous, the world of another person will not be subject to comparison, and will become an open book from which you will be able to extract a lot of useful for yourself. Freeing your mind from envy, you will be able to more deeply understand other people.
David Hawkins: quantum leaps in human consciousnessHow to recognize that you are too much give
I hope my tips will help you to overcome jealousy. But if you still catch that feeling off-guard, remember that it is just some feeling that you don't have to obey. Cease to suffer because of those thoughts that this feeling informs you. Just relax and observe this feeling from the side without thought. It always helps! published
Author: Nikolay Petrov