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For those who are in destructive relationships
This article is for those who are married to an alcoholic, a drug addict, a gambling addict, a gigolo, tramp, or a man who kept his hands off her — that is, beats.
The destructive relationship is a relationship where both parties are degraded. It — because prone to defects, it is because it just endures and fulfills karma. And Yes, we are talking about serious defects, not things like socks scattered or unwillingness right now to hammer a nail.
Somehow women do have one distinguishing feature. They are ready to be put back where it should be possible to run, and in this place are willing to endure, to "work off karma". And however, they do not even want to try to save what is worth fighting for. In this case, I want to talk with someone whose situation is really critical. When living together is not just unpleasant, but dangerous.
Sixty million nine hundred fifty three thousand two hundred fifty four
I want to offer you a algorithm by which you can attempt these relations to change – as far as possible.
A rough plan of action.
1. If life beside her husband threatens your safety immediately find another place to stay.
Ust is less convenient and comfortable, but safe. The parents, the parents of the husband (sometimes the best option), friends, relatives, rented accommodation or in the room. There's no point in staying so close to someone who, for example, can maim or kill. Especially if you have children who see this and are also exposed to danger. But to leave from it does not mean divorce. As they say, don't be afraid of partings, afraid of divorce. Divorce is the last step when everything else is done and does not help.
If the situation is not so critical, and to live together safely, but it is unpleasant, can just disperse on different rooms. To get away from her husband internally.
Sixteen million five hundred forty one thousand four hundred thirty nine
2. Pray.
Pray for him, for myself. Pray that the Lord guide you, give you strength and patience. Go to Church, to confession, to sacrament, to service. Anywhere — if only you there was well. You yourself do not have it.
3. Live their emotions, accumulated over all this time.
Write letters of grievances, clean heart in any way you can, cry, go to counseling, talk to good experienced married friends, use any means in order to bring out their grievances, and anger, and fear, and pain. To pull out, to stop dragging them around the clock – and get rid of them.
4. You can chat with the husband, it is even desirable, but in a safe and neutral territory.
If you live alone, you can, for example, give him food cooked with love. It would be very good to taste love in your food could compete with alcohol, for example. Communicate quietly, without scandals. Explain that to live with him yet can't because it's not safe. The heart of him you have a headache, but everything is better if it be so.If you live together, but pulled away, cook with love, feed him, but keep yourself detached. Avoiding proximity in any form, no matter how hard it.
5. Stop playing in the triangle "victim-rescuer-the Punisher".
If you do everything else, but will remain inside the triangle — everything is meaningless.
Stop trying to save him, and think that without you it will just die. Don't die, and maybe finally grow up. Give him such opportunity, but for myself find another way to assert itself.
Fifty one million six hundred ninety thousand six hundred thirty nine
Stop being his victim. In any situation, both to blame. One allows way to a handle, the other hurts. Sometimes women have to beg my husband fists his disgusting behavior insulting, for example, first start a fight, humiliate and suppress the man, and he then explodes. Sometimes our responsibility is simply that we such a man chose, not understanding. Yes, he used is allowed, but I thought he would change!
Get out of this triangle. Learn not to get involved in it again. Often this step is the most important.
6. In the next paragraph.
If your husband is an addict (alcohol, drugs, casinos and so on), you definitely need to go through "treatment". Both. For himself, he will decide for himself, and to show you the trainings and seminars for co-dependents. There you not only will learn much about yourself, but really can change. By the way, in many cities these groups work for free.
7. Find women with similar experiences that could change the situation.
Wives of alcoholics who for a long time did not drink. Wives of those who once worked, but now it provides the whole family. Wives of gamers who were able to start living in reality. Find them online, on forums, anywhere. Those who have a positive experience of change of a situation like yours. Ask them for advice and listen. Moderate pride in this place – listen, try. This will give you the inspiration and new ways of reacting and change the situation.
Sixty one million five hundred fourteen thousand seven hundred sixty four
8. Take care of yourself.
Get away from the husband and his vices. Look at yourself. You 20-30-40-50... You are a woman. You yourself like? And early liked? Look for ways to return to her former self. Or come to own this, to myself like. Hobby, Hobbies, beauty, body care, exercise. Not to spite him, and for herself. Try it in herself to fall in love. Men such internal changes women always respond. And very quickly.
9.While you are separated or estranged in one apartment, not engage in a sexual relationship!
In any case! This is important. Your integrity must remain steadfast. Sex means that you already have forgiven him and you are satisfied. This sharp reduction in the distance, which again relaxes you both. But in order for change to be sustainable, it takes time. Want changes? Then you need to wait and be patient.
10. Don't settle to go back quickly and on emotions.
When you promised change and you've gleefully run back with all belongings, the result will be. You will not be able to convince the man in the seriousness of their intent, if going to my mom's every week and two days later always come back.
Your decision should be balanced and solid. Only when you see real changes in what's bothering you, then you should think about a gradual reduction of distance. Again – gradual.
That is, when he didn't just start working, for example, will bring you the first salary. Or when he codes and you'll live a month or two or three without alcohol. Or when you do home repairs. But not too clever by half with the conditions, it does not look like a bargain with a terrorist. They should be achievable, and the few directly associated with what is unacceptable to you.
Thirty nine million five hundred seventy four thousand three hundred ten
11. Keep a journal of gratitude and learn to respect her husband.
Remember all the good things you have and carefully write down in a notebook. All of his good quality things for you, deeds, even the usual "stuff" that he does for you every day. Learn to switch your mind with his deficiencies on the merits. What you water will grow. Let this notebook be your personal secret, he doesn't need to know. Just change in your heart attitude.
12. In advance accept the fact that he may not want to change.
And you back, too might not want. Maybe he'll exhale and go to get a life as he likes. He has that right, he is also a man. In these cases, it is good to have a backup plan. For example, you give yourself and him a year to such a decision, and then we will think about the divorce. This won't turned into a farce, when you are ten years waiting for him, and he's been happily settled down.
13. Do not rush to plunge into a new relationship.
While the wounds are not healed, you risk breaking even more firewood. Better start with the novel itself. May you have a love in itself — it will do you good absolutely. You can accept someone's courtship, but don't fight fire with fire. One should first learn to be happy without the help of men, and then to carefully try to communicate with aliens (if husband did not work).
14. And I will say again about the importance of spiritual practices.
Without a higher power and support, the most you pass this way will be very difficult.
Prayers, Scriptures, pilgrimages – can delay healing heart faster, and in addition give a lot of inner strength in order to withstand such a test.
I really want to see this article nobody useful. But I know the statistics of divorces and their causes, I know a lot of very difficult stories would not hurt to apply at least part of the above written…
I would like to wish you strength to pass this test and come out of it renewed and happy. I know that this is possible. Before my eyes I have a lot of such examples. If they did – you can do it too.published
Author: Olga Valyaeva
See also: Law of donations, or How to become happier
3 ways of coping with fear
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/dlya-tex-kto-naxoditsya-v-razrushitelnyx-otnosheniyax/
The destructive relationship is a relationship where both parties are degraded. It — because prone to defects, it is because it just endures and fulfills karma. And Yes, we are talking about serious defects, not things like socks scattered or unwillingness right now to hammer a nail.
Somehow women do have one distinguishing feature. They are ready to be put back where it should be possible to run, and in this place are willing to endure, to "work off karma". And however, they do not even want to try to save what is worth fighting for. In this case, I want to talk with someone whose situation is really critical. When living together is not just unpleasant, but dangerous.
Sixty million nine hundred fifty three thousand two hundred fifty four
I want to offer you a algorithm by which you can attempt these relations to change – as far as possible.
A rough plan of action.
1. If life beside her husband threatens your safety immediately find another place to stay.
Ust is less convenient and comfortable, but safe. The parents, the parents of the husband (sometimes the best option), friends, relatives, rented accommodation or in the room. There's no point in staying so close to someone who, for example, can maim or kill. Especially if you have children who see this and are also exposed to danger. But to leave from it does not mean divorce. As they say, don't be afraid of partings, afraid of divorce. Divorce is the last step when everything else is done and does not help.
If the situation is not so critical, and to live together safely, but it is unpleasant, can just disperse on different rooms. To get away from her husband internally.
Sixteen million five hundred forty one thousand four hundred thirty nine
2. Pray.
Pray for him, for myself. Pray that the Lord guide you, give you strength and patience. Go to Church, to confession, to sacrament, to service. Anywhere — if only you there was well. You yourself do not have it.
3. Live their emotions, accumulated over all this time.
Write letters of grievances, clean heart in any way you can, cry, go to counseling, talk to good experienced married friends, use any means in order to bring out their grievances, and anger, and fear, and pain. To pull out, to stop dragging them around the clock – and get rid of them.
4. You can chat with the husband, it is even desirable, but in a safe and neutral territory.
If you live alone, you can, for example, give him food cooked with love. It would be very good to taste love in your food could compete with alcohol, for example. Communicate quietly, without scandals. Explain that to live with him yet can't because it's not safe. The heart of him you have a headache, but everything is better if it be so.If you live together, but pulled away, cook with love, feed him, but keep yourself detached. Avoiding proximity in any form, no matter how hard it.
5. Stop playing in the triangle "victim-rescuer-the Punisher".
If you do everything else, but will remain inside the triangle — everything is meaningless.
Stop trying to save him, and think that without you it will just die. Don't die, and maybe finally grow up. Give him such opportunity, but for myself find another way to assert itself.
Fifty one million six hundred ninety thousand six hundred thirty nine
Stop being his victim. In any situation, both to blame. One allows way to a handle, the other hurts. Sometimes women have to beg my husband fists his disgusting behavior insulting, for example, first start a fight, humiliate and suppress the man, and he then explodes. Sometimes our responsibility is simply that we such a man chose, not understanding. Yes, he used is allowed, but I thought he would change!
Get out of this triangle. Learn not to get involved in it again. Often this step is the most important.
6. In the next paragraph.
If your husband is an addict (alcohol, drugs, casinos and so on), you definitely need to go through "treatment". Both. For himself, he will decide for himself, and to show you the trainings and seminars for co-dependents. There you not only will learn much about yourself, but really can change. By the way, in many cities these groups work for free.
7. Find women with similar experiences that could change the situation.
Wives of alcoholics who for a long time did not drink. Wives of those who once worked, but now it provides the whole family. Wives of gamers who were able to start living in reality. Find them online, on forums, anywhere. Those who have a positive experience of change of a situation like yours. Ask them for advice and listen. Moderate pride in this place – listen, try. This will give you the inspiration and new ways of reacting and change the situation.
Sixty one million five hundred fourteen thousand seven hundred sixty four
8. Take care of yourself.
Get away from the husband and his vices. Look at yourself. You 20-30-40-50... You are a woman. You yourself like? And early liked? Look for ways to return to her former self. Or come to own this, to myself like. Hobby, Hobbies, beauty, body care, exercise. Not to spite him, and for herself. Try it in herself to fall in love. Men such internal changes women always respond. And very quickly.
9.While you are separated or estranged in one apartment, not engage in a sexual relationship!
In any case! This is important. Your integrity must remain steadfast. Sex means that you already have forgiven him and you are satisfied. This sharp reduction in the distance, which again relaxes you both. But in order for change to be sustainable, it takes time. Want changes? Then you need to wait and be patient.
10. Don't settle to go back quickly and on emotions.
When you promised change and you've gleefully run back with all belongings, the result will be. You will not be able to convince the man in the seriousness of their intent, if going to my mom's every week and two days later always come back.
Your decision should be balanced and solid. Only when you see real changes in what's bothering you, then you should think about a gradual reduction of distance. Again – gradual.
That is, when he didn't just start working, for example, will bring you the first salary. Or when he codes and you'll live a month or two or three without alcohol. Or when you do home repairs. But not too clever by half with the conditions, it does not look like a bargain with a terrorist. They should be achievable, and the few directly associated with what is unacceptable to you.
Thirty nine million five hundred seventy four thousand three hundred ten
11. Keep a journal of gratitude and learn to respect her husband.
Remember all the good things you have and carefully write down in a notebook. All of his good quality things for you, deeds, even the usual "stuff" that he does for you every day. Learn to switch your mind with his deficiencies on the merits. What you water will grow. Let this notebook be your personal secret, he doesn't need to know. Just change in your heart attitude.
12. In advance accept the fact that he may not want to change.
And you back, too might not want. Maybe he'll exhale and go to get a life as he likes. He has that right, he is also a man. In these cases, it is good to have a backup plan. For example, you give yourself and him a year to such a decision, and then we will think about the divorce. This won't turned into a farce, when you are ten years waiting for him, and he's been happily settled down.
13. Do not rush to plunge into a new relationship.
While the wounds are not healed, you risk breaking even more firewood. Better start with the novel itself. May you have a love in itself — it will do you good absolutely. You can accept someone's courtship, but don't fight fire with fire. One should first learn to be happy without the help of men, and then to carefully try to communicate with aliens (if husband did not work).
14. And I will say again about the importance of spiritual practices.
Without a higher power and support, the most you pass this way will be very difficult.
Prayers, Scriptures, pilgrimages – can delay healing heart faster, and in addition give a lot of inner strength in order to withstand such a test.
I really want to see this article nobody useful. But I know the statistics of divorces and their causes, I know a lot of very difficult stories would not hurt to apply at least part of the above written…
I would like to wish you strength to pass this test and come out of it renewed and happy. I know that this is possible. Before my eyes I have a lot of such examples. If they did – you can do it too.published
Author: Olga Valyaeva
See also: Law of donations, or How to become happier
3 ways of coping with fear
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/dlya-tex-kto-naxoditsya-v-razrushitelnyx-otnosheniyax/