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Husbands and Lovers: 2 Strategies for Men
The topic of psychological types is broad and ambiguous. No matter how complex a system you come up with, there will always be a lot of counter-arguments and exceptional cases. Nevertheless, there is a certain benefit of typing – it makes it possible to better cover the whole, grouping the private into several key categories. The main thing to remember is that any such scheme is a convention, a tool, not an end in itself.
Personally, I like simple schemes that group types according to pronounced characteristic features. From the point of view of human diversity, they may seem rude, but, thus, they allow you to maintain a sense of reality and not lose sight of the living person, in all his personality.
I will present one of these schemes to you in this article. It is simple and very effective - moderately serious, moderately ironic. Please treat her accordingly.
For all the apparent variety, there are only two distinct strategies that men use in dealing with women. Nuances and accents can vary, due to individual life experiences, but the overall track is always easy to trace.
In fiction, theater, and film, the theme of “husbands and lovers” is wonderfully illustrated by all sorts of variations of love triangles. But where the authors of the works focus on the play of feelings and the irony of fate, you can see that husbands and lovers differ from each other not only situationally, but also spiritually. In fact, we are talking about the opposite types of male personality.
Please note that hereinafter, “husbands” and “lovers” do not mean the official or actual status of a man in relation to a particular woman. We are talking only about the strategy that a man adheres to in relations with all his women. It is also important that the strategy is not the result of a conscious choice, but necessarily follows from the psychological type of man.
So, all men, with a few exceptions that will be given attention, can be divided into two types - "husbands" and "lovers." The first, in relations with women, emphasize serious long-term relationships, the second – on light flirtation, passion and adventurism.
If you have an idea of introverts and extroverts, you can say that the strategy of “husband” is implemented by introverts, and the strategy of “lover” is implemented by extroverts.
In some specific situations, male extroverts find themselves in the role of “husband” (not status!), and introverts in the role of “lover,” but this only happens in a relative sense. Just like two introverts, one may be more introverted and the other less introverted.
Each of these types has its own characteristics, strengths and weaknesses, and among women – its own “target audience”.
And it should be understood that, in contrast to your own type, it is very important to have an idea of the second pole, becauseA healthy relationship requires playing both roles.. Without this, relationships become lopsided and quickly degenerate.
Now let’s move on to the description of the types.
A man is a lover
The classic type of male lover is don Juan or his anecdotal brother Lieutenant Rzhevsky. Bright extrovert Lovelace, conqueror of women's hearts and ladies' man. A hunter who is passionate about the process.
In relations with women, he tends to take an active position, easily shows initiative and is able to directly say what he wants. He is brazen in the form that attracts women and allows them to shift the responsibility for intrigue to a man.
Narcissistic, he is looking for opportunities to show off in his new acquaintances. He is more interested in the fact of victory over a woman, not her relationship. If it were his will, monogamy would have been abolished long ago.
An adventurer in a good and a bad way. Always ready for adventures, sometimes to the point of pure madness. Aggressive, sometimes violent towards a woman, and brutally sexual.
He can easily turn the head of a woman, interest and captivate her. It's natural and simple for him. But together with all his sexual attractiveness, he is absolutely unable to create a sense of peace and certainty in a woman.
The woman with him always feels in danger, because she clearly feels that this man will never cease to be a hunter.
From a woman he needs consent and confirmation of his own importance. Therefore, he constantly climbs the ladder of “coolness” winning more and more bright and attractive women. And if it is not possible to develop qualitatively, then the number comes to the fore - even if women are not the most chic, but a lot.
Thus, the male lover strengthens his shattered self-esteem, replacing the normal balance of conceit with the number of his sexual victories ("Pride").
But women, male lovers still like, and even knowing their windy nature, they continue to succumb to their charms, in the vague hope of tame them.
Next to the “lover”, a woman feels her sexual attractiveness better and comforts her female pride. The first time a man actively pursues her, the second - when he abandons her, and she feels entitled to accuse the entire male sex of utter incurable scoundrels.
A relationship with a man-lover is always a mutual act of pride. Technically, there may not be any sexual relationship in the literal sense. But sex still hangs around somewhere.
A man is a husband171648
A typical “husband” is a domestic, obedient man. A quiet, calm introvert who chose peace with one woman over adventure with many. In a love triangle, he is always the victim of infidelity.
In relationships with women, he is sometimes ridiculously serious. In every woman he sees a potential wife, and therefore from the very first minutes surrounds her obsessive care and constantly seeks her approval and confirmation of her feelings for him.
Due to his excessive seriousness, he does not know how to flirt, does not feel the female mood and does not see female coquetry. So,In a relationship, he finds himself in a passive position, waiting for the first steps from the woman, or at least clear instructions about what to do next..
"Husband" always tries to be a gentleman and considers the sublime attitude to a woman its main virtue. He knows how to court and win women with his patience and constancy. Instead of passion and intrigue, he offers a woman love to the grave and the prospect of marriage.
But, with all this, he wants to get from a woman the same as the “lover” – self-satisfaction. But only instead of a sexual victory over a woman, it is more important for him to win her love, for which he is ready even to be defeated. That is, here the relationship with a woman becomes a means to relieve some mental pain and dissatisfaction.
In a relationship, a man-husband is gentle, affectionate and romantic. He surrounds a woman with all-round care and is ready to fulfill her every whim, just to receive confirmation of her love.He is willing to submit to the desires of a woman at the expense of his own.
It is predictable and manageable, and therefore creates a sense of reliability and security in a woman. And when a woman wants to build her nest, she is looking for this type of relationship.
Instead, the “husband” wants the love and acceptance of the woman (“Nothing”). In fact, in a woman, he is looking for an affectionate mother who will create in him the same feeling that he liked so much as a child. He easily trades his male freedom for a chance to shift the burden of responsibility on the shoulders of a woman and get rid of his own feelings of inferiority.
Well, at its best, easily creating a sense of stability and certainty in a woman, it opens the way for her to motherhood. A loving, caring, domestic man – what else does a woman need when it comes to starting a family?
A man on his own
A man does not choose whether he is a husband or a lover. As a rule, by the time of puberty, when the boy begins to take the first steps in relationships with girls, the choice of the main strategy is already predetermined.
Introverts begin to play knights-protectors, extroverts - in cheeky vulgars.
Here, as in other similar cases, the type of behavior is expressed more clearly the less balanced the psyche. Don Juanism and chivalry may be said to be the two extremes of the same personal neurosis in the relationship with women.
Self-esteem imbalance + extraversion = "lover".
Imbalance of self-esteem + introversion = "husband".
The stronger the imbalance, the deeper the man gets involved in a particular strategy and the more rude and one-sided his behavior is. Conversely, the more balanced the psyche, the more free a man is in choosing a model of behavior.
However, there will never be a situation where a man becomes both a husband and a lover for a woman.After all, bright Don Juanism and selfless chivalry are symptoms of self-doubt.
While a man is not confident in himself, he is rigidly attached to his main strategy, and when self-esteem is balanced, he simply does not need to play the hero-lover or knight on a white horse.
Having solved the inner problem, the man goes beyond the described scheme and becomes "neither one nor the other" - just a man. And we can say that this is the line beyond which normal healthy relations with a woman are finally possible for him, based not on consolation and self-affirmation, but on mutual respect and comprehensive acceptance.
For dessert - what a woman wants
All men have heard and participated in the gossip about the contradictions of the female character. The proposed typology perfectly illustrates this thesis.
The thing is,Every woman expects every man to be both a “husband” and a “lover.”There are exceptions, too, but they are just as rare and in the same realm as men with balanced self-esteem.
Women, due to their problematic self-esteem, are forced to seek confirmation of their own value through a relationship with a man. And in this regard, they are much more suitable for male lovers.
But the other side of a woman’s soul requires stability, reliability, and predictability as the basis for creating a family and procreation. And here the pole changes to the opposite - for this type of relationship you need a man-husband.
Therefore, in practice it is very easy to observe the situation when a woman enters into a relationship with a “lover”, comforts her self-love, blossoms in her sexual attractiveness, and then, when the first passion fades, begins attempts to remake a man – from a “lover” to turn him into a “husband”.
And, usually, everything ends in a heavy mutual disappointment. The “lover” wants to preserve his freedom and remain a “lover”, and the woman cannot accept the feeling of uncertainty, because it again hits her self-esteem. Relationships collapse and turn into a pile of mutual accusations and resentments.
Or the opposite option is possible when a woman finds herself a caring “husband”, but eventually gets tired of his care and begins to look for a lover, because the “husband” subordinate to her, by her own device, is not able to satisfy female pride.
A woman tries to demand strength and independence from her husband, but usually this leads to nothing, and a woman literally goes to the side or abandons one man, hoping to meet another who can still be both for her.
What is the way out of this outcome?
It's about a half. First. Both partners correct their self-esteem and stop looking for self-assertion and consolation in a relationship. When a man is not attached to a specific role, and a woman does not need to solve her problems at the expense of a man, the relationship becomes completely different – simple, clear and honest, without any mutual dependence. It's hard to do, but you can, and it's worth it.
Another loophole Allow each other freedom in the relationship. A man is allowed to go hunting, a woman is allowed to have a lover. But this option does not pull on an independent way out of the situation, because again it requires both sides to overcome self-doubt and abandon monopolistic rights to each other. This path is a little easier, but very few are ready for it. Alternatively, you can still run to the side in secret, but this is also not suitable for everyone.
Also interesting: Why did my husband leave?
5 Conditions Required for Intimacy
The conclusions from this whole situation are obvious, but I will not voice them - I leave them to you for independent consideration.
Author: Oleg Satov
P.S. And remember, just changing our consumption – together we change the world!
Source: psychologytoday.ru/public/muzhya-i-lyubovniki-muzhskaya-psikhologiya/
Personally, I like simple schemes that group types according to pronounced characteristic features. From the point of view of human diversity, they may seem rude, but, thus, they allow you to maintain a sense of reality and not lose sight of the living person, in all his personality.
I will present one of these schemes to you in this article. It is simple and very effective - moderately serious, moderately ironic. Please treat her accordingly.
For all the apparent variety, there are only two distinct strategies that men use in dealing with women. Nuances and accents can vary, due to individual life experiences, but the overall track is always easy to trace.
In fiction, theater, and film, the theme of “husbands and lovers” is wonderfully illustrated by all sorts of variations of love triangles. But where the authors of the works focus on the play of feelings and the irony of fate, you can see that husbands and lovers differ from each other not only situationally, but also spiritually. In fact, we are talking about the opposite types of male personality.
Please note that hereinafter, “husbands” and “lovers” do not mean the official or actual status of a man in relation to a particular woman. We are talking only about the strategy that a man adheres to in relations with all his women. It is also important that the strategy is not the result of a conscious choice, but necessarily follows from the psychological type of man.
So, all men, with a few exceptions that will be given attention, can be divided into two types - "husbands" and "lovers." The first, in relations with women, emphasize serious long-term relationships, the second – on light flirtation, passion and adventurism.
If you have an idea of introverts and extroverts, you can say that the strategy of “husband” is implemented by introverts, and the strategy of “lover” is implemented by extroverts.
In some specific situations, male extroverts find themselves in the role of “husband” (not status!), and introverts in the role of “lover,” but this only happens in a relative sense. Just like two introverts, one may be more introverted and the other less introverted.
Each of these types has its own characteristics, strengths and weaknesses, and among women – its own “target audience”.
And it should be understood that, in contrast to your own type, it is very important to have an idea of the second pole, becauseA healthy relationship requires playing both roles.. Without this, relationships become lopsided and quickly degenerate.
Now let’s move on to the description of the types.
A man is a lover
The classic type of male lover is don Juan or his anecdotal brother Lieutenant Rzhevsky. Bright extrovert Lovelace, conqueror of women's hearts and ladies' man. A hunter who is passionate about the process.
In relations with women, he tends to take an active position, easily shows initiative and is able to directly say what he wants. He is brazen in the form that attracts women and allows them to shift the responsibility for intrigue to a man.
Narcissistic, he is looking for opportunities to show off in his new acquaintances. He is more interested in the fact of victory over a woman, not her relationship. If it were his will, monogamy would have been abolished long ago.
An adventurer in a good and a bad way. Always ready for adventures, sometimes to the point of pure madness. Aggressive, sometimes violent towards a woman, and brutally sexual.
He can easily turn the head of a woman, interest and captivate her. It's natural and simple for him. But together with all his sexual attractiveness, he is absolutely unable to create a sense of peace and certainty in a woman.
The woman with him always feels in danger, because she clearly feels that this man will never cease to be a hunter.
From a woman he needs consent and confirmation of his own importance. Therefore, he constantly climbs the ladder of “coolness” winning more and more bright and attractive women. And if it is not possible to develop qualitatively, then the number comes to the fore - even if women are not the most chic, but a lot.
Thus, the male lover strengthens his shattered self-esteem, replacing the normal balance of conceit with the number of his sexual victories ("Pride").
But women, male lovers still like, and even knowing their windy nature, they continue to succumb to their charms, in the vague hope of tame them.
Next to the “lover”, a woman feels her sexual attractiveness better and comforts her female pride. The first time a man actively pursues her, the second - when he abandons her, and she feels entitled to accuse the entire male sex of utter incurable scoundrels.
A relationship with a man-lover is always a mutual act of pride. Technically, there may not be any sexual relationship in the literal sense. But sex still hangs around somewhere.
A man is a husband171648
A typical “husband” is a domestic, obedient man. A quiet, calm introvert who chose peace with one woman over adventure with many. In a love triangle, he is always the victim of infidelity.
In relationships with women, he is sometimes ridiculously serious. In every woman he sees a potential wife, and therefore from the very first minutes surrounds her obsessive care and constantly seeks her approval and confirmation of her feelings for him.
Due to his excessive seriousness, he does not know how to flirt, does not feel the female mood and does not see female coquetry. So,In a relationship, he finds himself in a passive position, waiting for the first steps from the woman, or at least clear instructions about what to do next..
"Husband" always tries to be a gentleman and considers the sublime attitude to a woman its main virtue. He knows how to court and win women with his patience and constancy. Instead of passion and intrigue, he offers a woman love to the grave and the prospect of marriage.
But, with all this, he wants to get from a woman the same as the “lover” – self-satisfaction. But only instead of a sexual victory over a woman, it is more important for him to win her love, for which he is ready even to be defeated. That is, here the relationship with a woman becomes a means to relieve some mental pain and dissatisfaction.
In a relationship, a man-husband is gentle, affectionate and romantic. He surrounds a woman with all-round care and is ready to fulfill her every whim, just to receive confirmation of her love.He is willing to submit to the desires of a woman at the expense of his own.
It is predictable and manageable, and therefore creates a sense of reliability and security in a woman. And when a woman wants to build her nest, she is looking for this type of relationship.
Instead, the “husband” wants the love and acceptance of the woman (“Nothing”). In fact, in a woman, he is looking for an affectionate mother who will create in him the same feeling that he liked so much as a child. He easily trades his male freedom for a chance to shift the burden of responsibility on the shoulders of a woman and get rid of his own feelings of inferiority.
Well, at its best, easily creating a sense of stability and certainty in a woman, it opens the way for her to motherhood. A loving, caring, domestic man – what else does a woman need when it comes to starting a family?
A man on his own
A man does not choose whether he is a husband or a lover. As a rule, by the time of puberty, when the boy begins to take the first steps in relationships with girls, the choice of the main strategy is already predetermined.
Introverts begin to play knights-protectors, extroverts - in cheeky vulgars.
Here, as in other similar cases, the type of behavior is expressed more clearly the less balanced the psyche. Don Juanism and chivalry may be said to be the two extremes of the same personal neurosis in the relationship with women.
Self-esteem imbalance + extraversion = "lover".
Imbalance of self-esteem + introversion = "husband".
The stronger the imbalance, the deeper the man gets involved in a particular strategy and the more rude and one-sided his behavior is. Conversely, the more balanced the psyche, the more free a man is in choosing a model of behavior.
However, there will never be a situation where a man becomes both a husband and a lover for a woman.After all, bright Don Juanism and selfless chivalry are symptoms of self-doubt.
While a man is not confident in himself, he is rigidly attached to his main strategy, and when self-esteem is balanced, he simply does not need to play the hero-lover or knight on a white horse.
Having solved the inner problem, the man goes beyond the described scheme and becomes "neither one nor the other" - just a man. And we can say that this is the line beyond which normal healthy relations with a woman are finally possible for him, based not on consolation and self-affirmation, but on mutual respect and comprehensive acceptance.
For dessert - what a woman wants
All men have heard and participated in the gossip about the contradictions of the female character. The proposed typology perfectly illustrates this thesis.
The thing is,Every woman expects every man to be both a “husband” and a “lover.”There are exceptions, too, but they are just as rare and in the same realm as men with balanced self-esteem.
Women, due to their problematic self-esteem, are forced to seek confirmation of their own value through a relationship with a man. And in this regard, they are much more suitable for male lovers.
But the other side of a woman’s soul requires stability, reliability, and predictability as the basis for creating a family and procreation. And here the pole changes to the opposite - for this type of relationship you need a man-husband.
Therefore, in practice it is very easy to observe the situation when a woman enters into a relationship with a “lover”, comforts her self-love, blossoms in her sexual attractiveness, and then, when the first passion fades, begins attempts to remake a man – from a “lover” to turn him into a “husband”.
And, usually, everything ends in a heavy mutual disappointment. The “lover” wants to preserve his freedom and remain a “lover”, and the woman cannot accept the feeling of uncertainty, because it again hits her self-esteem. Relationships collapse and turn into a pile of mutual accusations and resentments.
Or the opposite option is possible when a woman finds herself a caring “husband”, but eventually gets tired of his care and begins to look for a lover, because the “husband” subordinate to her, by her own device, is not able to satisfy female pride.
A woman tries to demand strength and independence from her husband, but usually this leads to nothing, and a woman literally goes to the side or abandons one man, hoping to meet another who can still be both for her.
What is the way out of this outcome?
It's about a half. First. Both partners correct their self-esteem and stop looking for self-assertion and consolation in a relationship. When a man is not attached to a specific role, and a woman does not need to solve her problems at the expense of a man, the relationship becomes completely different – simple, clear and honest, without any mutual dependence. It's hard to do, but you can, and it's worth it.
Another loophole Allow each other freedom in the relationship. A man is allowed to go hunting, a woman is allowed to have a lover. But this option does not pull on an independent way out of the situation, because again it requires both sides to overcome self-doubt and abandon monopolistic rights to each other. This path is a little easier, but very few are ready for it. Alternatively, you can still run to the side in secret, but this is also not suitable for everyone.
Also interesting: Why did my husband leave?
5 Conditions Required for Intimacy
The conclusions from this whole situation are obvious, but I will not voice them - I leave them to you for independent consideration.
Author: Oleg Satov
P.S. And remember, just changing our consumption – together we change the world!
Source: psychologytoday.ru/public/muzhya-i-lyubovniki-muzhskaya-psikhologiya/
