The night is darkest before dawn Bashny.Net

I remember holidays in may three years ago. I then covered the terrible crisis of identity: I just did not coincide with the edges – my "I" melted in the sun and, when cooled, turned into an ugly shapeless mass. On its do I place those people where I actually go and why is everything so difficult questions had a lot of responses – zero.

While they all ate barbecue outside the city, I was Smoking on the balcony of an empty apartment and not getting out of pajama pants wrote the lyrics: took a job on the weekends, not knowing how and not allowing yourself to give up, not to suffer then regret about the missed benefit and guilt. I was at the end of his career as chief editor and was extremely exhausted by the stress, loneliness and the fact that after the divorce it took a year and a half, and I have so anyone and could not have a relationship (except in a dead end).





Outside the window of the narcotic sweetly bloomed Apple trees, chestnuts and cherries, and I klatsat the keys and seized the inner emptiness spoons of condensed milk from the jar and five or six packs of your favorite ice cream at a time. Mercilessly fat and hated myself for it – as well as for the fact that instead of resting, immediately drew a job. Ate, to further piss off the very same itself to further exacerbate the full discord in, to reach the limit point, turn inside out, die and be born again, but some other and anyone need...





...Later that night got a text from my ex-husband, he wrote that his new woman is his personal miracle that he is happy that he loves, tagoptions I can't tell you how great it is

my heart missed two shots, and from the left eye bulged out, slowly slid down and fell asleep in the ear tear.

Looks like my swamp of self-destruction, self-pity and self-loathing still, there were limits –

so warm may night
with its rustles, wine
and falling stars
I imprinted
in his
the bottom.

***





"I don't know where it comes from and why it comes so spontaneously,
no reason is cowardly, sly,
without decent-the usual explanations:
girl, hormones, monthly,
will soon pass.

I want to hysterical. but first –
to drink, to talk,
unconscious to vyalets,
to cry
to dissolve itself
the loops-leads,
the earth to crumble
clouded from time to time, brass buttons,
unpicked with a blue children's suit of the sailor..."

***

 

The next day I woke up at 4.30 am, took a sheet of paper and start scribbling like mad your "Manifesto", where, not to mince words, wrote what they think about themselves, their lives and their prospects – handwriting straight a student, beautiful printed letters, almost kapslokom. Remember how I wrote back then that no one will solve my problems for me, no one will come and save me, because "well, as you can have to suffer", nobody cares about my colorful depression – and hell, no one should be.

So suck it up, put on your sneakers and run. Run until you drop from exhaustion, and when you fall, crawl towards the house.

At that moment, I became a private Teacher, painfully hit yourself on the back with a bamboo stick. I got out of bed, pulled on sneakers, patted the crazed cat and ran. This was my first shot at twelve kilometers around the empty city.

...Huge may beetles copulated with a loud crunch fell on the asphalt, and the dawn sky was such purity and clarity that hurt your eyes.

I ran and was heard distinctly in mouth metallic taste my own lungs.

I swam – and where it's shallow of me to shiver smelled of summer camp: the smell of an empty Soviet washing-places, the cold tiles, pine, and toothpaste.

I regained my silence as a state of life, learned the practice of humility is inevitable. I was sick muscles and a shower, I was still working weekends and not getting enough sleep, but one thing I knew for sure:I don't want to die, and how can you want to die when blooming lilacs and peonies at night with a quiet creak the grass grows, and a street musician plays the accordion tango.

I was an adult, alone and free. Free not from but for.

Before meeting with Sasha
remained
a month.





***
Since that time it's only been three years, and it seems that a whole life. As much as I wanted to say the girl has been that everything will be fine, everything will work out – and a family and a job, and a strong trained body, and even Nest. As much as I wanted to tell her that the night is darkest before dawn and self-destruction is never acceptable. What a lot more, much, much more interesting than in the whole of her life "before," and this here is the anger at herself that morning will be the best motivator to get yourself together and begin to sculpt the life you want, not the one that is brought to live.

As much as I wanted to tell her that
when she finally dropped from exhaustion,
her
managed
crawl
Home.

published

 

Author: Olga Primachenko

 

Also interesting: go-Go, no one is indispensable...

We meet to leave

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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Source: gnezdo.by/blog/keep-going-and-one-day-you-will-see/