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Divorce: before, during and after
Most couples are afraid of the word "divorce", and this is not surprising. No matter what happens, you have a lot in common. You still have each other a whole bunch of feelings, emotional attachment, habit, and in one fell swoop to cut off half my life – scary indeed. A divorce is stressful.
Everyone entering into a marriage, I'm sure it's for life and to reverse the decision, to betray itself, in its own sign of insolvency. In addition, the attitude of society to the divorcing couples are very ambiguous and many of the fears the results of outdated prejudices.
So how to understand their own feelings and understand if you really need to leave or save her family?
1. Prednisone condition – what is it?
From the press and television series we know that there are marriages of convenience, sham marriages entered into for a fixed term, but ordinary people, which the vast majority, marry for love, believing that will, together to the grave, and rightly so!
Vivid feelings, time spent together is the source of shared memories that unite, provide the basis for further relations. But if one day your paths began to diverge, what to do?
The decision to divorce does not come suddenly. The idea begins to attend in response to irritation, discontent, but along with it there are doubts – and whether it is necessary to take such drastic decision?
Maybe it will get better, you should wait a bit? Here he apologizes for his behavior and promises to change, gifts, and even offered to go psycho on family relations, so soon everything will be as before! Unfortunately, in most cases, hopes for improved relations are not justified.
To change yourself, your life, you must make an effort, but not everyone is ready for this. Often a man, before whom loomed the threat of divorce, apologizes, sees that forgive, and this makes for a conclusion that the wife herself is afraid of losing him and would not dare to divorce, and therefore can be a little bit to be good, and then to live again, as it sees fit. So if the years go by and the situation is "all are divorced" is repeated over and over again without its logical conclusion, you should consider, and how long can you wait for the sea weather?
Take a look at the situation soberly: that the guilty husband gives flowers and ready to fulfill any desire. Offer to go to couples counseling to sort out relations. He agree? Great! And when? Oh, there's no time/money/good specialist, afterwards...
Conclusion – the man does not want to change something, he is quite satisfied with the current state of things, and you? If not – it's time to make a really final warning. It can be with reference to the situation "once again not sleeping – applying for a divorce," or with the definition of the term "for six months did not stop drinking, break up", but the consequences are bound to occur.
2. The process has started – what next?
Divorce – it's not fast, even if you have no kids and property disputes. If there is – will have to go to court and this month the appointment of a preliminary hearing, then the judge can give up to three months of "reconciliation". But even after the decision of divorce, a free man you will be just a month after its entry into force.
That is almost six months (and sometimes longer) will be "in limbo", and of course all the friends and relatives definitely will consider it their duty to bring to your attention my point of view on your family problems. And, certainly, among them there are those who will say "Yes you did", though no hints from this thought is gnawing at the outset of the divorce process.
To look for the reason why you can no longer live together – a thankless and hopeless. The thought "because he was so good, surely I couldn't keep track, and then and itself has given rise to such negative change of nature" will lead to additional stress and nothing more.
Each of us, in addition to the family, communicate with a lot of other people and everyone changes over time. For better or worse is difficult to say, but if the love is gone, then it happened and we must accept the situation as a given. Of course, you can try to change your life, to go to a psychologist, but we must be honest with yourself – it must be both?
Each spouse is making efforts to revive the happiness or only you fight like a fish on the ice? And absolutely do not blame yourself if the reason for the divorce – physical abuse or emotional humiliation from a spouse, then you are guilty only that have not exposed him the door immediately.
Of course, to perform error, especially with a professional psychologist, and conclusions will be very useful in the future, a future relationship, but cherish his guilt completely not worth it, and especially it is not necessary to substitute the guilt of constructive reflection, to consider the guilt of the redemptive suffering.
It is, in fact, quite dangerous moment – you have to be very a whole person, not to try to lay all the responsibility on himself, as such a desire – a natural protective reaction of the psyche. It was the psychologist will help to direct the reaction and associated emotional intensity, in a constructive way.
The most frequently recommended in order to create a psychological anchor to give yourself a promise to stop, to endure aggression, to cease to compromise their feelings and desires in favor of others, etc.
3. Happened – to cry or to rejoice?
So the divorce took place, and what's next – freedom... or loneliness? The argument "get a divorce, and who will need you in their 30/35/40, and even with children" definitely sounded before, including from the "other side" but now you're with this situation, "face to face". So what to do? Try to understand the most popular "horror stories":
— First of all, the stereotype that "ten girls on statistics nine guys." — a relic of Soviet times, when after great Patriotic war, men do it much less than women. Now the difference is equal to the statistical error, therefore, in principle, to find a new life partner is not difficult.
— "Normal men over the age of 25 and unmarried is not left." It is also a myth against which to nominate at least two arguments.
First, not only are you getting a divorce. Often separates couples who are married at a very early age "shotgun", and after the children grew up, I realized that in addition to their spouses nothing in common. As a result, parents of adult children have not yet reached forty, I realized that life is still ahead and there is no reason to cling to outdated attitudes (this may be your case?).
Secondly, now is the global Europeanization of consciousness. As you know, the West decided to first build a career, and then marriage. The first baby born at the threshold of the fortieth anniversary there — the norm. Gradually these trends, and penetrate into our country, and more and more there is a successful and independent men and women of 30-40 years, which in this age come into the barracks for the first time.
— "Who cares about 35-year-old woman when there are so many 20-year-old girls." It is this argument ex-husbands are trying to completely undermine the resolve of the wives begin to live independently. It is quite possible to meet that 40-year-old guys as well lose 25-year-old boys with a crushing score, but it is better to think – and who might you be?
This is another well-established stereotype that a single woman like flawed, it will certainly have to find a new husband. However, psychologists are unanimous in their recommendations – not to hurry. After a divorce you are in a state of extreme stress, and to start is to gain emotional harmony, and then you can start looking for love.
Finding yourself.
To go through a divorce without compromising your own psyche, it will not hurt to use a few tips:
don't hesitate to tears. If your soul is tearing apart the bitterness, resentment, anger – tears will be the safest and most effective way to lose negative energy.
— do not try to match someone else's expectations, to behave as "proper divorcee" or search for the cause of the divorce. It happened and it's all over. Your goal is to become a, and for this we need to listen to their experiences, rather than trying to fight them.
— take the time to build a new relationship. Psyche is experiencing serious tension. Due to stress you can't think completely straight, to give a critical assessment of what is happening, just don't want to see something that doesn't fit your idea of the perfect relationship and the result is likely to once again "step on the same rake".
If you are constantly thinking about what you don'T like, it will definitely be to your lifevitality: deliverance from the body "armor" and "armor of nature"
Give yourself time to adapt to a new reality and, of course, don't neglect the help of a psychologist. Friends and relatives, even those who genuinely wish to help, very subjective, and psychologist, people open-minded, able to look at the situation from the outside and, as a consequence, to help you see events in a new light. So if you feel stuck, ask for help to a professional and start with a clean slate.published
Author: Maria Kudryavtseva
Source: maria-kudryavtseva.ru/
Everyone entering into a marriage, I'm sure it's for life and to reverse the decision, to betray itself, in its own sign of insolvency. In addition, the attitude of society to the divorcing couples are very ambiguous and many of the fears the results of outdated prejudices.
So how to understand their own feelings and understand if you really need to leave or save her family?
1. Prednisone condition – what is it?
From the press and television series we know that there are marriages of convenience, sham marriages entered into for a fixed term, but ordinary people, which the vast majority, marry for love, believing that will, together to the grave, and rightly so!
Vivid feelings, time spent together is the source of shared memories that unite, provide the basis for further relations. But if one day your paths began to diverge, what to do?
The decision to divorce does not come suddenly. The idea begins to attend in response to irritation, discontent, but along with it there are doubts – and whether it is necessary to take such drastic decision?
Maybe it will get better, you should wait a bit? Here he apologizes for his behavior and promises to change, gifts, and even offered to go psycho on family relations, so soon everything will be as before! Unfortunately, in most cases, hopes for improved relations are not justified.
To change yourself, your life, you must make an effort, but not everyone is ready for this. Often a man, before whom loomed the threat of divorce, apologizes, sees that forgive, and this makes for a conclusion that the wife herself is afraid of losing him and would not dare to divorce, and therefore can be a little bit to be good, and then to live again, as it sees fit. So if the years go by and the situation is "all are divorced" is repeated over and over again without its logical conclusion, you should consider, and how long can you wait for the sea weather?
Take a look at the situation soberly: that the guilty husband gives flowers and ready to fulfill any desire. Offer to go to couples counseling to sort out relations. He agree? Great! And when? Oh, there's no time/money/good specialist, afterwards...
Conclusion – the man does not want to change something, he is quite satisfied with the current state of things, and you? If not – it's time to make a really final warning. It can be with reference to the situation "once again not sleeping – applying for a divorce," or with the definition of the term "for six months did not stop drinking, break up", but the consequences are bound to occur.
2. The process has started – what next?
Divorce – it's not fast, even if you have no kids and property disputes. If there is – will have to go to court and this month the appointment of a preliminary hearing, then the judge can give up to three months of "reconciliation". But even after the decision of divorce, a free man you will be just a month after its entry into force.
That is almost six months (and sometimes longer) will be "in limbo", and of course all the friends and relatives definitely will consider it their duty to bring to your attention my point of view on your family problems. And, certainly, among them there are those who will say "Yes you did", though no hints from this thought is gnawing at the outset of the divorce process.
To look for the reason why you can no longer live together – a thankless and hopeless. The thought "because he was so good, surely I couldn't keep track, and then and itself has given rise to such negative change of nature" will lead to additional stress and nothing more.
Each of us, in addition to the family, communicate with a lot of other people and everyone changes over time. For better or worse is difficult to say, but if the love is gone, then it happened and we must accept the situation as a given. Of course, you can try to change your life, to go to a psychologist, but we must be honest with yourself – it must be both?
Each spouse is making efforts to revive the happiness or only you fight like a fish on the ice? And absolutely do not blame yourself if the reason for the divorce – physical abuse or emotional humiliation from a spouse, then you are guilty only that have not exposed him the door immediately.
Of course, to perform error, especially with a professional psychologist, and conclusions will be very useful in the future, a future relationship, but cherish his guilt completely not worth it, and especially it is not necessary to substitute the guilt of constructive reflection, to consider the guilt of the redemptive suffering.
It is, in fact, quite dangerous moment – you have to be very a whole person, not to try to lay all the responsibility on himself, as such a desire – a natural protective reaction of the psyche. It was the psychologist will help to direct the reaction and associated emotional intensity, in a constructive way.
The most frequently recommended in order to create a psychological anchor to give yourself a promise to stop, to endure aggression, to cease to compromise their feelings and desires in favor of others, etc.
3. Happened – to cry or to rejoice?
So the divorce took place, and what's next – freedom... or loneliness? The argument "get a divorce, and who will need you in their 30/35/40, and even with children" definitely sounded before, including from the "other side" but now you're with this situation, "face to face". So what to do? Try to understand the most popular "horror stories":
— First of all, the stereotype that "ten girls on statistics nine guys." — a relic of Soviet times, when after great Patriotic war, men do it much less than women. Now the difference is equal to the statistical error, therefore, in principle, to find a new life partner is not difficult.
— "Normal men over the age of 25 and unmarried is not left." It is also a myth against which to nominate at least two arguments.
First, not only are you getting a divorce. Often separates couples who are married at a very early age "shotgun", and after the children grew up, I realized that in addition to their spouses nothing in common. As a result, parents of adult children have not yet reached forty, I realized that life is still ahead and there is no reason to cling to outdated attitudes (this may be your case?).
Secondly, now is the global Europeanization of consciousness. As you know, the West decided to first build a career, and then marriage. The first baby born at the threshold of the fortieth anniversary there — the norm. Gradually these trends, and penetrate into our country, and more and more there is a successful and independent men and women of 30-40 years, which in this age come into the barracks for the first time.
— "Who cares about 35-year-old woman when there are so many 20-year-old girls." It is this argument ex-husbands are trying to completely undermine the resolve of the wives begin to live independently. It is quite possible to meet that 40-year-old guys as well lose 25-year-old boys with a crushing score, but it is better to think – and who might you be?
This is another well-established stereotype that a single woman like flawed, it will certainly have to find a new husband. However, psychologists are unanimous in their recommendations – not to hurry. After a divorce you are in a state of extreme stress, and to start is to gain emotional harmony, and then you can start looking for love.
Finding yourself.
To go through a divorce without compromising your own psyche, it will not hurt to use a few tips:
don't hesitate to tears. If your soul is tearing apart the bitterness, resentment, anger – tears will be the safest and most effective way to lose negative energy.
— do not try to match someone else's expectations, to behave as "proper divorcee" or search for the cause of the divorce. It happened and it's all over. Your goal is to become a, and for this we need to listen to their experiences, rather than trying to fight them.
— take the time to build a new relationship. Psyche is experiencing serious tension. Due to stress you can't think completely straight, to give a critical assessment of what is happening, just don't want to see something that doesn't fit your idea of the perfect relationship and the result is likely to once again "step on the same rake".
If you are constantly thinking about what you don'T like, it will definitely be to your lifevitality: deliverance from the body "armor" and "armor of nature"
Give yourself time to adapt to a new reality and, of course, don't neglect the help of a psychologist. Friends and relatives, even those who genuinely wish to help, very subjective, and psychologist, people open-minded, able to look at the situation from the outside and, as a consequence, to help you see events in a new light. So if you feel stuck, ask for help to a professional and start with a clean slate.published
Author: Maria Kudryavtseva
Source: maria-kudryavtseva.ru/
