How to respond if the partner releases into your face offensive jokes?
Like and offensive, and it seems a joke. Stands on such a serious offense, be sure to hear, "you Have a sense of humor?"
Let's just agree that we'd be talking not about a couple who been together a long time and have children. All of them described will also apply to some extent, but other than that, there is a snowball of cause and effect, usually perennial, in which both parties actively participated, so that's so easy to take and change the already familiar form of communication impossible.
You can only push away someone close to them who despite the bad jokes are still quite loyal. But this applies to the spouse, with whom you have eaten a peck of salt together. And we're going to talk about the new partner with whom you are together not so long ago. Just meet or recently living together. You can usually see two forms of perception of bad jokes.
Some believe that this man is a sadist, and he meant it — down and trample your dignity. Others assure us that jokes are just jokes, and should not be taken seriously, you just have to laugh or joke in response. Both views are wrong. The second may be true, when it comes to harmless jokes, but wrong when the joke really touches you.
Very often people dangle from the first perception to the second, they think that they are deliberately humiliated, and they get a big rolling pin, to protect themselves, they begin to think of too proud and generous to forgive the aggressor, sometimes even asking his forgiveness for the rolling pin. Both alternates because both built at the confluence of borders. When merging other people's boundaries seem too rude, your too thin. All the time I want unanimity. And the boundaries in the case of conflict need to share. Conflict is a signal that the total area is the subject of the dispute. Let's just look at what is hurtful joke?
This aggression clothed in the form of humor. Aggression may not be personally directed to you, although in the case of a particularly offensive joke, Yes, targeted. In other cases aggression is usually not directed address concerns rather the idea or phenomenon, but this aggression. People who for any reason are joking, so quite successfully rise above the situation
, see it philosophically, I find it sur or absurd, and thus relieve tension, regain control. Life with a witty man is a holiday.
Nothing so quickly and easily removes from the state of anxiety, panic, helplessness and apathy as a good sense of humor. So jokers and witty people — the weight of gold that friends that married. As shamans in ancient the pack approximately. But what happens when the voltage source, you, and your talent wit of man sends you to lower you down or to hurt?
And the more that happens when and no special talent, joke unfunny, strained, but very evil and hurtful?In principle, these are two different cases.
If your partner is joking and cracking jokes at any occasion, always and with all, it is the form of his appeal to the world, the way to take control of the situation and rise above it (great method by the way, learn from it). Over you thus also taken control (of everything that is important to the person, the person tries to take control, the only question is how and appetites).
If the joke partner you become helpless, frightened, cranky, uncomfortable, stupid, in need of his support, it is a bad joke. They are bad for you, maybe someone else would not pay attention. And you might just find that it's in you, you are too vulnerable, we must learn to be simpler and tougher, but whether you need to change so dramatically? And changed under kicks your partner? Are you really willing to be his slave or you expect the same respect?
You can never take a joke in the abstract, for a "normal reaction" a certain person in a vacuum. We should always look at your own reaction. Yes, you are too vulnerable, vulnerable, sensitive, sentimental, dependent on some things. But don't let your partner roughly all of it to break. Better to stay vulnerable and vulnerable, but don't give the other control. Otherwise your power will be an illusion. Your strength is your self control, your right to decide what to do than to answer.
People who bend to the ground from the offensive jokes and think: I need to grow, need to become stronger, do not understand the point. To become stronger is not to obey other people's orders, even in that joking manner, not to turn into obedient disciple for anyone who is strong and arrogant. So tight you will never be.
So what? Even if you are too vulnerable and all the other people happy with these jokes to your partner, but to you personally it is very sad, respect yourself. Someday, maybe you will not be dimmed with tears, but so far nothing to protect yourself. Remodel immediately, and protect. Start with protection, and the remake will then, yourself, if you decide that it is really worth.
The second case (when a person is in life not wit and wit does not Shine, the jokes in your face is not only insulting, but flat, rough, not funny) is a very different case. And the tactics of the other. Here you are not dealing with a developed character and reactions to you or your behavior.
In the first case, the person was accustomed to using humor to control all the space around him, all he ever worried, he interpreterpath terms funny (including herself or himself in the first place).
This is the type of character. For you personally like a person can not make an exception, he can only leave. Even if you ask not to ridicule you, not to make fun of your weaknesses, you'll cry and show how it hurts you, people will be sad or even frightened, but to abandon his character is unlikely. He cannot alter himself for you. And well (see above). The only thing that can help you to get along with a man is to reduce his tension in his side.
Do not attach it yourself, do not touch his weaknesses, do not tease, do not provoke, do not dominate, be a very delicate and pretty open. In this case, your wits will be sharper in your face less. Or no, it happens.
But don't cross through. Do not get out of the skin, to avoid his jokes. If you notice that you are constantly in suspense with him
, that I laugh at you, stop contact
. And never pretend you don't hurt when you hurt. Be sure to be offended! This is the main rule of proximity with people for whom humor — the usual method of control.
This person needs to see where you are particularly vulnerable and vulnerable. In this case, he will try not to touch (if he loves and wants to save the relationship, and it is about loved ones, not about the enemies that your reaction is not necessary to show). But if you hide from him their grievances and represent invulnerability, he just can't navigate. So lying in this case is unprofitable.Notice how you are offended.
If you require to immediately apologize or give your funny insults and complaints, then in response to his aggression quite elegant, dressed in a beautiful form of wit, you respond with aggression blunt and direct and often redundant. You require to he fell to his knees and admitted his defeat in the battle. That is, you ask too much. Should be offended within its borders.
You can't order him to apologize (though he could) and don't want to keep it for a long time to listen to you if he asks what you feel and why. You can say that you hurt and hate, and openly show their emotions. Moderately! Not hysterics for an hour. After a tantrum for an hour your wit is exhausted, and you feel guilty that you gouge it with a rolling pin for a trifle. But it does not change its character. He'll either treat you certainly, you will not be able to intimidate him enough to obey you. Don't claim dominance, do not exaggerate its importance. Stay within the boundaries.
Show that you are sorry and let them know that your mood has deteriorated. His aggression hold, and then he may decide that you need to behave politely. And it can be really delicate. And if not, you will decide whether you want to live with someone who continually makes you hurt and sad. And he let them decide too, it may be better to look for a less vulnerable girl, or the one you don't want all the time to tease.
In the second case, is not a character and not a control, and irritation on you, which a person expresses in the form of jokes, because it is not ready for an open confrontation, trying to hide.
Here, too, is to show that you hurt, too, it is important to avoid a flurry of aggression in response, not to be to blame for the conflict (it was not the provocateur, blame the one who is more the aggressor, remember, as soon as your emotions cool a bit you'll feel guilty sure). But that's not all. The main thing you need to understand that your partner is unhappy with the situation, he is on the verge of anger, he restrains the expression of their discontent, but it breaks from it in the form of here such here the unpleasant jokes. Displeasure and barely restrained aggression in relationships is a reaction to some kind of infringement of rights.
On a subjective feeling that your rights have somehow been violated. Aggression in nature is the protection of the territory. Here people also trying to defend its territory, but does not want open conflict, so trying to joke, but gets mad if his jokes are in your face is very offensive to you. Do not engage in swordplay, don't blame him for jokes, it's useless. He's annoyed. Will not make jokes, be rude to criticize or even insult. Is that better?
That is, for example, "in this bag you look like a gift from Santa Claus" — a rather mild joke, but still aggressive, especially if a new baggy dress because of flaws, not because of a failed cut. Here criticism is not dresses and women, but hidden under a compliment to the gift.
What's the point in this case to demand: stop trying to make jokes in my direction! Will cease to be clever, to be honest, you look terrible. Do you want it? Or do you think from your orders not to make jokes all his discontent will disappear? No, he's unhappy with your appearance, and can be what you dress, it is not given its taste. In short it is something clearly unhappy, and if such mild jokes are becoming tougher and tougher, so his irritation growing.
You don't respect a person if I think that his sarcastic prodding is his bluntness and need to explain to him, like a kitten to poke his nose, and he will not do. Respect other and respect yourself. Everything that man tells you he wants to convey to you. May not formulate for themselves their emotions, but these emotions feels! In the case of very offensive jokes — this is aggressive emotions in your direction. Do not close the eyes, keep in mind. What to do in this case?
The main thing is not to get the rolling pin. Better to be angry and to send than to get a rolling pin and methodically gouge while holding the collar: no, where are you going, I still told you, now talk and make peace, to speak out and get married let's go. This is the rolling pin. Skalka is hope to fix his partner's demands and accusations. Now you get in trouble, he whined, scared and immediately corrected.
This is not descend from the throne. He was annoyed, and after the rolling pin might say, I've had enough. And you're to blame and you will grieve. Because it is only "unfortunate joke", and you pounced like a woman marketplace. So it is better to be offended at his cruel joke and a tear with him (temporarily or permanently) if the joke is really offensive to you. Distance often gives you the opportunity to cool down, think things through and start a relationship without default, without stepping on each other's feet.
To stop and resume the relationship sometimes useful, if not to abuse it, if you use this in the case of really serious conflicts. But the rolling pin is always harmful. If the jokes are not so offensive, to argue, and just unpleasant it did not answer anything, but be sure to think about why people angry.
If irritation is small, you are more likely to experience default. He began to get tired of you, he feels boxed into a corner, or on the contrary deprived of their attention. He's unhappy with your relationship, do not close this fact your eyes and think only about their dissatisfaction, think also about his dissatisfaction too. Both of you unhappy! You his jokes, and he's something else.Asking directly is often useless. Would like a direct conversation, not joking, and said directly what is wrong.
If you do not say, I do not want to. Do not force. Just if you want to save this relationship, change something in them. Remove rolling pins, tongs, the crown, self-centeredness, correct locus. None of you will not decide what needs to be done in your relationship, you need to see what is wrong and solve it. The main thing to understand is that hurt you not just because you probably not happy or too hurt.
Special case — the people in the crown, living in the illusion that the partner treats them with reverence and awe. Even these fairly harmless joke can be taken as an insult. How dare the worm? Coast beguiled? That you lured the coast. We must accept the fact that the awe and reverence in your direction do not exist.
SECRET: How to get what you want13 of the rules of conservation of energy
Unfortunately, the alternative to a royalty is often no, no it is not needed in addition to imaginary fans, so it stays with the abuser and goes back into the illusion that love her, and then the new shock "how dare?" And so sometimes indefinitely. The hysteria, the illusion. Here we have to somehow come to terms with reality. It's best to leave someone you let on the condition that he looks at you from bottom to top. Relationships on this platform, will not build.
Author: Marina Komissarova
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©