20 Dirty Tricks Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths Manipulate Us

Destructive people – carriers of malignant narcissism, psychopathy and antisocial traits – often demonstrate inadequate behavior in relationships, as a result of exploiting, humiliating and offending their partners, relatives and friends.

They use many distractions designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility for what is happening to him. These techniques are used not only by narcissistic personalities, but also by psychopaths and sociopaths to avoid responsibility for their actions.

The site lists two dozen not-so-clean tricks that inadequate people use to humiliate others and silence them.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative technique that is easiest to illustrate with such typical phrases as "It never happened", "It seemed to you" and "Are you crazy?". Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result, you begin to question the legitimacy of your complaints of abuse and abuse.

When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses this tactic against you, you automatically side with them to resolve the cognitive dissonance that has arisen. Two irreconcilable reactions are fighting in your soul: either he is mistaken, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the former is completely out of the question, and the latter is the pure truth, indicating your inadequacy.

To successfully resist gaslighting, it is very important to find support in your own reality: sometimes it is enough to write down what is happening in a diary, tell friends or share it with a support group. The value of support from the outside is that it can help you break out of the distorted reality of the manipulator and see things for yourself.

Projection

One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person is chronically unwilling to see their own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility for one's negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to another. Thus, the manipulator evades admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.

Although we all use projection to some degree, narcissistic disorder clinical specialist Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that in narcissists, projections often become a form of psychological abuse.

Instead of acknowledging their own flaws, flaws, and faults, narcissists and sociopaths prefer to blame their own vices on their unsuspecting victims, and in the most unpleasant and cruel ways. Instead of admitting that they would do well to take care of themselves, they prefer to instill a sense of shame in their victims, shifting responsibility for their behavior onto them. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the bitter shame that he feels about himself.

For example, a pathological liar may accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband "clingy" in an attempt to make him seem dependent; A bad employee may call the boss ineffective in order to avoid a truthful conversation about his own performance.

Narcissistic sadists love to play "blame-shifting." The goals of the game are: they win, you lose, and the result is that you or the world as a whole are to blame for everything that happened to them. So you have to babysit their fragile egos, and in response, you're pushed into a sea of insecurities and self-criticism. It's a cool idea, isn't it?

Decision? Don't "project" your own feelings of compassion or empathy onto the destructive person and don't accept their toxic projections on you. As manipulation scholar Dr. George Simon writes in his book In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.

Narcissists at the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in introspection and change. It is important to sever all relationships and ties with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to appreciate yourself. You don't have to live in the cesspool of someone else's dysfunctions.

Hellishly meaningless conversations

If you hope for thoughtful communication with a destructive person, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will get an epic brain clog.

Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, talking in circles, getting personalized, projecting, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them. This is done to discredit, distract and upset you, to take you away from the main topic and make you feel guilty for being a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to differ from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.

Ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist is enough to wonder how you got into it in the first place. You've just disagreed with his ridiculous claim that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career, and lifestyle are muddy. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is omnipotent and omniscient, which leads to what is known as narcissistic trauma.

Remember: destructive people don't argue with you, they're arguing with themselves, you're just an accomplice in a long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live for it. Trying to find an argument that refutes their ridiculous claims is just throwing wood on the fire. Don't feed narcissists – instead, feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not with you, but with their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism and spend that time doing something pleasant.

Generalizations and unsubstantiated allegations

Narcissists don't always boast of outstanding intelligence — many of them are not used to thinking at all. Instead of wasting time and understanding different points of view, they make generalizations based on whatever you say, ignoring the nuances of your argument and your attempts to take different opinions into account. And it's even easier to hang some kind of label on you — this automatically cancels out the value of any of your statements.

On a larger scale, generalizations and allegations are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into unfounded social prejudices, schemes and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo. In this way , one aspect of the problem is blown out of proportion to the point where serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when popular figures are accused of rape, many are quick to shout that such accusations are sometimes false. And, although false accusations do exist, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while a specific accusation is ignored.

Such everyday manifestations of microaggression are typical of destructive relationships. For example, you tell a narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response, he immediately makes an unsubstantiated statement about your oversensitivity or generalizations like: "You're always dissatisfied with everything" or "You don't like anything at all," instead of paying attention to the real problem that has arisen. Yes, you may be oversensitive sometimes, but it's equally likely that your abuser is insensitive and callous most of the time.

Do not deviate from the truth and try to resist unfounded generalizations, because this is just a form of completely illogical black-and-white thinking. Behind destructive people who throw around unsubstantiated generalizations there is not all the richness of human experience, only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-worth.

Intentionally perverting your thoughts and feelings to the point of complete absurdity

In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your differences of opinion, justified emotions, and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.

Narcissists make up all sorts of tall tales, paraphrasing what you said so that your position looks absurd or unacceptable. Let's say you point out to a destructive friend that you don't like the tone in which he talks to you. In response, he twists your words: "Oh, and you are perfection itself?" or "So I am bad, in your opinion?" – although you only expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to nullify your right to thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you try to set boundaries.

This common distraction is a cognitive distortion called "mind-reading." Destructive people believe that they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions, instead of listening to you carefully. They act accordingly on the basis of their own illusions and delusions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into other people's mouths, they make you look like the bearers of absolutely wild intentions and opinions. They accuse you of thinking they're inadequate before you even make a remark about their behavior, and that's also a form of proactive defense.

The best way to draw a clear line with such a person is to simply say, "I didn't say that," ending the conversation if they continue to accuse you of something you didn't do or say. As long as the destructive person has the ability to shift the blame and steer the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to inspire you with a sense of shame for daring to contradict him in something.

Nitpicking and changing the rules of the game

The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" don't have the slightest desire to help you improve—they just like to find fault, humiliate, and scapegoat you. Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths resort to a sophistry called "game changer" to ensure that they have every reason to be constantly dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you have provided all kinds of evidence to support your argument or have taken all possible measures to satisfy their request, they make a new demand for you or want more evidence.

Do you have a successful career? A narcissist will find fault with why you're not already a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be babysat around the clock? Now prove that you can remain "independent." The rules of the game will be constantly changing and can easily even contradict each other; The sole purpose of this game is to get you to seek the attention and approval of the narcissist.

Constantly raising the bar of expectations or even replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators are able to instill in you an all-pervasive sense of worthlessness and a constant fear of inadequacy. By highlighting one minor episode or one of your mistakes and inflating it to gigantic proportions, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own strengths and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time. This forces you to think about new expectations that you will now have to meet, and as a result, you go out of your way to meet any of his demands—and in the end, it turns out that he still treats you badly.

Don't be fooled by nitpicking and changing the rules of the game – if a person prefers to suck on some insignificant episode over and over again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to prove your rightness or satisfy his demands, then he is not driven by a desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to make you feel that you must constantly strive to earn his approval. Appreciate and approve of yourself. Know that you are a whole person, and you should not constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.

Changing the subject to avoid responsibility

I call this maneuver "A-how-how-me-syndrome?". This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion in order to shift attention to a completely different one. Narcissists do not want to discuss the issue of their personal responsibility, so they take the conversation in the direction they need. Do you complain that he does not devote time to children? It will remind you of a mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows neither time nor thematic limits and often begins with the words: "And when you..."

At the societal level, these techniques are used to derail discussions that call into question the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be derailed as soon as one of the participants raises another pressing issue, distracting attention from the original dispute.

As Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, points out, it takes specificity to properly address and resolve issues — that doesn't mean that the topics raised along the way aren't important, it just means that each topic has its own time and context.

Don't get distracted; If someone is trying to substitute concepts, use the "stuck record" method, as I call it: keep repeating the facts persistently without going off topic. Move the hands back and say, "That's not what I'm talking about now. Let's not get distracted." If it doesn't help, stop the conversation and direct your energy in a more useful direction – for example, find an interlocutor who is not stuck in mental development at the level of a three-year-old.

Hidden and explicit threats

Narcissists and other destructive personalities feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world owes them, a false sense of superiority, or colossal self-esteem are questioned by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands of others — and in doing so, punish you for not meeting their unattainable expectations.

Instead of maturely resolving differences and looking for compromise, they try to deprive you of the right to your own opinion, trying to teach you to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their demands. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum, their standard reaction is "do this, otherwise I will do this."

If, in response to your attempts to draw a line or express a different opinion, you hear an ordered tone and threats, whether they are veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: you have a person who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never compromise. Take the threats seriously and show the narcissist that you are not joking: if possible, document them and report them to the appropriate authorities.

Insults

Narcissists preemptively make a mountain out of a molehill as soon as they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their understanding, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise inflicts narcissistic trauma on them, leading to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather of confidence in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.

In the lowest representatives of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinion or emotions. Insults are an easy and quick way to offend, humiliate and ridicule your mental abilities, appearance or behavior, along the way depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion.

Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. A valid point of view or a convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes "ridiculous" or "idiotic" in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but has no substantive objection. Unable to find the strength to attack your arguments, the narcissist attacks you, seeking in every possible way to undermine your authority and question your mental abilities. As soon as insults are used, it is necessary to interrupt further communication and unequivocally state that you do not intend to tolerate this. Don't take it personally: understand that they resort to insults only because they don't know any other ways to get their point across.

"Training"

Destructive people train you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. To this end, they casually make derogatory statements about your qualities and qualities that they themselves once admired, as well as sabotage your goals, spoil your holidays, vacations and weekends. They can even isolate you from friends and loved ones and make you financially dependent on them. You, like Pavlov's dogs, are essentially "trained", developing in you a fear of doing everything that once made your life rich.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and other destructive personalities do this to divert all attention to themselves and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be the center of attention all the time. At the idealization stage, you were the center of the narcissist's world—and now the narcissist must be the center of your world.

In addition, narcissists are pathologically jealous by nature and can't stand the thought of something that can protect you from their influence even in the slightest. For them, your happiness represents everything that is not available to them in their emotionally scarce existence. After all, if you find that you can get respect, love, and support from someone who isn't destructive, what's going to keep you from breaking up with them? In the hands of a destructive person, "training" is an effective way to make you walk on tiptoe and always stop halfway to your dreams.

Defamation and persecution

When destructive personalities cannot control how you perceive yourself, they begin to control how others perceive you; They take on the role of a martyr, making you look destructive. Slander and gossip are a preemptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and tarnish your name so that you have no support left in case you do decide to end the relationship and leave your destructive partner. They may even harass and harass you or someone you know, ostensibly to "expose" you; Such "exposure" is only a way to hide your own destructive behavior, projecting it onto you.

Sometimes gossip embitters two or even whole groups of people against each other. A victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist often doesn't know what they're saying about them while the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when it breaks down.

Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and to your face, too), tell nasty things about you or their loved ones, spread rumors that make you the aggressor and theirs the victim, and attribute to you exactly those actions that they are most afraid of accusing you of. In addition, they will methodically, covertly and intentionally offend you in order to later cite your reactions as evidence that they are the "victim" in your relationship.

The best way to counteract slander isto always keep your cool and stick to the facts. This is especially true for conflicting divorces with narcissists, who may deliberately provoke you in order to use your reactions against you later. Document any form of harassment, intimidation, and abuse (including online) whenever possible, and try to communicate with the narcissist only through your lawyer. If we are talking about harassment and intimidation, you should contact law enforcement officers; It is advisable to find an attorney who is well-versed in narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for themselves when the narcissist's mask begins to slip off.

Love bombardment and devaluation

Destructive people take you through a stage of idealization until you take the bait and start a friendship or romantic relationship with them. Then they begin to devalue you, expressing contempt for everything that attracted them to you in the first place. Another typical case is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal and begins to aggressively devalue and humiliate someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.

Narcissists do this all the time: they scold their exes with new partners, and over time, they begin to treat new oneswith the same disdain. In the end, any narcissistic partner will experience everything that the previous ones did. In such a relationship, you will inevitably become another ex, whom he will slander in the same way in front of his next girlfriend. You just don't know it yet. Therefore, do not forget about the method of bombardment with love if your partner's behavior with others contrasts sharply with the sugary sweetness that he demonstrates in his relationship with you.

As personal growth instructor Wendy Powell advises, a good way to counter love bombing from someone you find potentially destructive is to take your time. Keep in mind that the way a person speaks about others can foreshadow how they will one day treat you.

Preventive defense

When someone strongly emphasizes that he/she is a "good guy" or "good girl", immediately starts saying that you should "trust him/her", or for no reason assures you of their honesty – be careful.

Destructive and violent individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should "trust" them, without first building a solid foundation for such trust. They can skillfully "disguise" themselves by portraying a high level of empathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to reveal their true persona later. As the cycle of violence reaches the stage of devaluing, the mask begins to slip off, and you see their true essence: terrifyingly cold, callous, and dismissive.

Truly good people rarely have to boast about their positive qualities all the time—they exude warmth rather than talk about it, and they know that actions are more important than words. They know that trust and respect are a two-way street, requiring reciprocity, not constant indoctrination.

To counter preventive defense, think about why a person emphasizes his good qualities. Is it because he thinks you don't trust him, or because he knows you don't trust him? Judge not by empty words, but by deeds; It is actions that will tell you whether the person in front of you corresponds to the one he pretends to be.

Triangulation

Referring to an opinion, point of view, or threat to involve an outsider in the dynamics of communication is called "triangulation." A common technique for asserting the rightness of a destructive individual and devaluing the reactions of his victim, triangulation often leads to the emergence of love triangles in which you feel defenseless and unbalanced.

Narcissists love to triangulate a partner with strangers, colleagues, ex-spouses, friends, and even family members to make them jealous and insecure. They also use the opinions of others to confirm their point of view.

This maneuver is designed to divert your attention from psychological abuse and present the narcissist in a positive image of a popular, desirable person. Plus, you start to doubt yourself: if Mary agrees with Tom, then I'm wrong after all? In fact, narcissists are happy to "tell" you nasty things that others have allegedly said about you, even though they themselves say nasty things behind your back.

To counter triangulation, remember that whoever the narcissist triangulates you with, that person is also triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. In fact, the narcissist is in charge of all roles. Respond with your own "triangulation" – find the support of a third party who is not under his control, and do not forget that your position also has value.

Lure and pretend to be innocent

Destructive personalities create a false sense of security to make it easier for them to demonstrate their cruelty. As soon as such a person drags you into a meaningless, random quarrel, it quickly escalates into a showdown, because he does not know the feeling of respect. Petty disagreement can be a bait, and even if at first you restrain yourself within the bounds of politeness, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you.

Having "lured" you with a seemingly innocent comment disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember: narcissists know your weaknesses, unpleasant phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and sore topics that open old wounds, and they use this knowledge in their schemes to provoke you. After you swallow the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you are "okay", assuring that he "did not want" to disturb your soul. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and leads you to believe that he didn't really intend to hurt you, until it starts happening so often that you can no longer deny his obvious malice.

It is advisable to immediately understand when they are trying to lure you in order to stop communicating as soon as possible. Common methods of luring are provocative statements, insults, offensive accusations, or unfounded generalizations. Trust your intuition: if a phrase seems somehow "wrong" to you, and this feeling did not go away even after the interlocutor explained it, perhaps this is a signal that you should take your time to comprehend the situation before reacting.

Boundary check and vacuum cleaner tactics

Narcissists, sociopaths, and other destructive personalities are constantly checking your boundaries to see which ones can be violated. The more violations they manage to commit with impunity, the further they will go.

This is why people who have experienced emotional and physical abuse often face even more abuse whenever they decide to return to their abusers.

Rapists often resort to "vacuum cleaner tactics," as if "sucking" their victim back with sweet promises, fake remorse, and empty words about how to change, only to subject them to more abuse. In the sick mind of the abuser, this test of boundaries serves as a punishment for trying to resist the violence, as well as for returning to it. When a narcissist is trying to start from scratch, reinforce the boundaries even more, rather than backing away from them.

Remember: manipulators don't respond to empathy and empathy. They react only to the consequences.

Aggressive jabs under the guise of jokes

Hidden narcissists love to say nasty things to you. They pass them off as "just jokes," as if they reserve the right to make disgusting comments while maintaining innocent calm. But as soon as you get angry at rude, unpleasant remarks, they accuse you of not having a sense of humor. This is a common technique for verbal abuse.

The manipulator betrays a contemptuous smirk and a sadistic glint in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he takes pleasure in the fact that he can offend you with impunity. It's just a joke, isn't it? Not really. It's a way to convince you that his insults are just a joke, a way to shift the conversation from his cruelty to your imaginary hypersensitivity. In such cases, it is important to stand your ground and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.

When you draw the manipulator's attention to these hidden insults, he can easily resort to gaslighting, but continue to defend your position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if it does not help, stop communicating with him.

Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone

Belittling and humiliating others is a destructive person's forte, and tone of voice is just one of many tools in his arsenal. Making sarcastic remarks about each other can be fun when it's mutual, but the narcissist resorts to sarcasm solely as a way of manipulation and humiliation. And if it hurts you, it means that you are "overly sensitive".

It doesn't matter that he himself throws tantrums whenever someone dares to criticize his inflated ego – no, it's the victim who is "hypersensitive". When you're constantly treated like a child and challenged every word you say, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings without fear of being reprimanded. This kind of self-censorship saves the abuser from having to shut you up because you're doing it yourself.

When confronted with a condescending demeanor or patronizing tone, make it clear and clear. You don't deserve to be treated like a child, and you certainly don't have to remain silent for the sake of someone else's megalomania.

Shame

"Shame on you!" is a favorite saying of destructive people. Although it can be heard from people who are quite normal, in the mouth of a narcissist and a psychopath, shamming is an effective method of dealing with all attitudes and actions that threaten their unchallenged power. It is also used to destroy and nullify the victim's sense of self-worth: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then instilling shame in him for that particular attribute, quality, or achievement can lower his self-esteem and stifle any pride at the root.

Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; They may even make you feel ashamed of the abuse or abuse you have suffered, causing you new psychological trauma. Have you experienced violence as a child? A narcissist or sociopath will tell you that you somehow deserve it, or brag about your own happy childhood to make you feel inadequate and worthless. What better way to hurt you than to pick at old wounds? As a doctor, on the contrary, a destructive person seeks to deepen your wound, not heal it.

If you suspect that you are dealing with a destructive person, try to hide your vulnerabilities or long-standing psychological traumas from him. Until he proves that he can be trusted, you should not give him information that can then be used against you.

Control

Most importantly, destructive people seek to control you in any way they can. They isolate you, manage your finances and social circle, and control every aspect of your life. But the most powerful tool in their arsenal is playing on your feelings.

That is why narcissists and sociopaths create conflict situations out of the blue, just to make you feel insecure and unstable. That is why they constantly argue over trifles and get angry at the slightest reason. That is why they emotionally withdraw, and then again rush to idealize you as soon as they feel that they are losing control. That's why they oscillate between their true and false selves, and you never feel psychologically safe because you can't understand what your partner really is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the harder it will be for you to trust your feelings and realize that you have been a victim of psychological abuse. By learning about manipulative techniques and how they undermine your self-confidence, you can understand what you're up against, and at least try to regain control of your own life and stay away from destructive people.

via lifter.com.ua/post/3677