Shaken, not stirred. How to sort things out

Well, who among adults who do not know what the showdown? Often it ends if you do not quarrel, then alienation. But just something and you need that to ask one unexpected question to anyone who wants to now prove the correctness and validity of their accusations. By the way, this man may well be yourself ...

There is a periodically repeating the situation that occurs in the lives of many people. Before you decide on this, people usually hesitates, makes meaningful pauses, sighs and then says, "Let's finally clarify our relationship!»

. Most often, this call does not cause us any enthusiasm - we feel in advance that nothing good is not over. To sort things out with each other can be a lifetime - and still not fully determined. For some couples this activity extends over many years.


How quickly and constructively to sort things out? Offer based on three basic rules that can help you untangle even the most difficult, at first glance, the relationship nodes.

1. As there are different levels (types, forms, subsystem).

2. The problem - the result of the mixing of different levels of unconscious relations

. 3. The solution of the problem lies in differentiating levels of relationships. The proposed approach is based on differentiating levels of relationship, allows to resolve almost all the existing problems, including jealousy, dependence on the mother's difficulty in choosing a spouse, criticality to the parents, the merger with a partner infidelity, the consequences of divorce, etc. Consider the rules clarify the relationship in more detail.

We are building a relationship with another person on a personal level (social level), will deal with the essence of his (emotional level), we have contact with his personality (sexual level)

Different levels of

Many people perceive the relationship as something complex and vague, and attempts to solve the problems associated with the relationship are often unsuccessful. To overcome all these difficulties, it is advisable to understand how to construct human relations.

First of all, the relationship is not something homogeneous, different levels can be identified within them. The fact that the relationship is multi-faceted, it is possible to find references to, for example, in the ancient Indian treatise "The branch of a peach." There is a saying:

Attraction mind generates Sincerely,
Attraction of the soul generates tenderness,
Attraction body generates desire.

This saying is interesting because it suggests that every person can love on three levels - body, mind and soul

. A bad boss - not the one who does not love, and he who pays little

There are many studies on the selection, justification and description of the various levels of relationships. I will use the ideas of Igor Kalinauskas for his theoretical concepts highlight the level of relations, which believes that man as a whole can be divided into three main parts - the body, mind and emotional sphere (soul)

. Based on these components, it allocates for further consideration of such concepts as "individuality", "person" and "essence". The basic tool is the individual consciousness, the essence - the emotional sphere of personality - body. Accordingly, we can build a relationship with another person on a personal level, to communicate with its essence, to have contact with his personality.

These levels I provisionally designated as social, emotional, and sexual. Each level is associated with a variety of basic needs satisfaction. Social needs are related to the person's position in society and its joint activities with other people; emotional needs related to the deep need for emotional contact; the basis of sexual needs is the instinct of reproduction.

Thus, any possible combination of human relations depending on which they are based. It is important to know the consequence of the first rule: we can engage in different levels of relationships with different people and have one person several levels of relationships

. Do not mix

The reason for any psychological problems in the relationship can be described as a mix of man at various levels, merging them into a single. For the understanding it is important that in one moment of time with one person there was only one kind of relationship.

If the two levels are mixed, we are faced with the dual expectations and requirements. It's like having two heads, each of which brings its own requirements. If we are to be equal to one, then the other will not be happy. To please both simultaneously is impossible. Therefore, in order not to fall into neurosis, to choose at one time the main someone one.

The problem with mixed levels of relations arises from the fact that each of them (social, emotional, sexual) has its own specific rules. In my opinion, this lack of differentiation and fusion of individual levels of relations, in fact, relatively independent and non-identical to each other, is one of the causes of conflict.

A common example of a mix of emotional and social relationships - friends, who are beginning to engage in joint business. Usually this ends badly for both friendship and business. At some point, it may be a problem of income distribution. It seems to be correct to the principle of "Who is more work, he gets more", but on the other hand, turned on the principle of "We - friends, so it is necessary to equally divide»

. Here is another typical example of such a merger levels. She complained that she had a "bad" boss, and the question of why he is bad, he suddenly said: "He does not love me." It turns out that the problem originated in the relationship due to the fact that their expectations she mixed the role of the chief, and a good man - a social and emotional level

. It took some time, so she could understand what "bad" boss - not the one who does not love, and he who pays little. By the way, this merger subordinates often used by the chiefs themselves. Instead of paying more, they stimulate a person of his "love"! The man works for a small salary, but does not go away, because they do not want to bring his boss - "such a good man»

. In fact, the problem occurred on an emotional level ( "my husband does not like"), and the search for its solution takes place at the social ( "we must divorce")


If the underlying problem is the mixing of levels of relationship, then its solution therefore lies in the differentiation of the merger. The ability to differentiate is important for professionals in any field.

For example, an artist may see much more color combinations and different shades than the average person, the musician is equally sensitive to sound character, etc. Therefore, to be a professional in your life, it is important to be able to distinguish not only shades of emotions, types of people, but also, of course, the level of relations.

The proposed hike is based on the detection and differentiation of levels (species, forms, sub-systems) and relationships, then the construction of new relationships between them. As the ancients said, "joining - do not mix, sharing - does not break»

. This approach makes it possible to consider the discord in the relationship is not as "conflict at all", and helps to find its place on one of the levels in the hierarchy of relations. At what level there was a problem, and at that it should be solved.

For example, a complaint, "her husband out of love, it is necessary to get divorced," reveals the perception of the woman to marriage and love as equivalent concepts. This view only exacerbates marital situation. In fact, the problem occurred on an emotional level ( "my husband does not like"), and the search for its solution takes place entirely on the other - on the social ( "we must divorce"). It is logical to assume that the constructive approach in this case will help in detecting the differences of love and marriage and the resolution of the problem at the same level that is experiencing difficulty in this case - by emotional

. Question ceases QUARREL

So, if your partner once again offer "to find our relationship", instead of a long and tedious conversation about anything remember these rules. Ask first what level of relationship he is not satisfied. I assure you, this phrase immediately cause confusion and pensiveness.

Partner necessarily interested and asks, "And what are the levels of relationship?", And you can authoritatively tell him that there are social, emotional and sexual levels, as well as their specificity. I hope that your further conversation would be more constructive.

At what level there was a problem, and at that it should be solved

Although in this case there is a certain risk. If you are so quickly figure out the relationship, then what will continue to talk? Perhaps because of the lack of other important topics for communication people are trying to save the chaos and uncertainty in this area? To always have something to talk!

Author: Sergey Petrushin


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