Some time ago I took a small post from the blog of a young American Sarah, called "How to talk to her daughter about her body." The post caused a lot of discussion, and most importantly, laid bare the fears and traumas of the current generation of parents in respect of both its own body image and body image of their children.
I have already mentioned that we - not the first almost totally narcissistic generation. Up until the Second World War, inclusive several generations in Russia fought, won, restored, maintained and allowed to stand - were engaged in that requires a great deal of heroism and altruism. Formed low unit value of human life, the personality, physicality. Cultivated dedication - listen to the word. The rejection of himself.
As a result, the first postwar generation of children has grown extremely selfish and narcissistic. The post-war children were the children of a new, happy life, they should have been all that was not the parents, the children were returning from the war and preserved fertility of men and women need to motherhood.
How to talk with her daughter about her body
It was not just the boys and girls, it was a symbol of victory, the triumph of life and promise of happiness. This was a generation of so-called grand daffodils, those whose principal place in the mental space takes swollen, "overfed" grandiose ego part.
Baby boomers became parents to work, refused to sacrifice their own interests, voprinimaet their children as an extension of their own "I" and psychologically compete with the kids for the title of "the most beautiful and intelligent." It brought up the second generation of daffodils -. Flawed, convinced of his insignificance against the background of the comprehensive and narcissistic ego parent
Competitive parents created an atmosphere of conditional acceptance - I love you, if you behave well, you'll be successful, you'll be beautiful. They raised the current generation of adults - are often deprived of support, approval, had not seen his father proud smile and shining eyes delight mother facing the
Grown traumatized children, life-laying permanent "improve themselves", earning love, proving the world around them that they are good, beautiful, intelligent. What they hell deserve - love, acceptance, high wages, good attitude
These children - we are with you - gave birth to their own children. We know that the meet on clothes, and that it is important to be beautiful as much as possible - otherwise love. We panic are afraid to hurt their children - as traumatized us, dislike, disregard, neglect. neglect and humiliation.
We taldychu their children that they are beautiful, smart, beautiful, because no one will tell our inner children, how beautiful they are - we ourselves are not able and not reshimsya, but more because there is no one. We grow the next generation of narcissistic fixed on the external appearance of the children, who are considered the standard of beauty in the weight limit of 40 kg and suffering eating disorders and telv image in epidemic proportions.
Therefore, the words of Sarah - Do not tell her daughter that she gained weight, do not tell her that she was beautiful - many vulnerable, reminding them of their own children's pain. Many of us have not been able to prove to his parents that we are beautiful, intelligent and successful. Many of us feel so insignificant, strashnenkimi, incompetent. Many of us, in their 30, 36, 42 continue to yearn and hope that the words "You are my beauty, my daughter!", "What you're done, son!" - Still will hear from the lips of parents. That is why we so often and without reason, try to pronounce them with his words detyam.Poetomu young American so frighten us.
We can not live in a non-judgmental world. We just do not know how.
We have nothing else left but to devalue - Sarah, a country where she grew up, an approach that she offered. And got her looks, and her relationship with her mother. Fortunately, invalidate the words of a very young man easily. It is more difficult to do so when the same advice about giving the whole National Eating Disorders Association, which published an article the other day about how parents talk to young people suffering from disorders of Food behavior.
Article I liked, and I suggest you get acquainted with the basic ideas, supplemented by my comments from practical experience.
"Mom, I'm fat?". "She's prettier than me?" "I have a man's shoulders?". The teenager may constantly bombard you with questions of this kind. About 85% of teenage girls are constantly concerned about how they look. For boys, the figure is also not so small - about 56%. How can you help your children to keep and maintain a positive body image?
1. Do not criticize your own body in the presence of a teenager.
Do not say that you are terribly fat that you would like to have a flat stomach.
"Many mothers do not realize how teenagers listen carefully to their criticism of his own body and absorb it against his own body", - says Julie Zelinger, 21, creator of teenage blog FBomb and author of two books on the problems of young girls the first year of undergraduate studies and feminism.
According to the National Eating Disorders Association, 40 to 60% of primary school pupils are concerned about their weight. Even very young children can learn from parents' insecurity about their own body.
Instead simulate a positive attitude to the body by eating healthy foods and being included in physical activity. May Holland, a professional fitness trainer, recommends that engage one or another physical activity as a family.
Comment: Of course, recommend the "do something" - simple. Do you overweight? Do not eat. Keep yourself in a relationship with the asshole (bitch)? Not familiar with the asshole (bitch). Not enough money? Less waste. Very reasonable, but in practice ineffective. Efficiency will recognize the fact that you, the parent, experiencing uncertainty about their own body, their appearance, try to understand the reasons for this uncertainty and try to overcome it.
It operates an old, but devastatingly true therapeutic recommendation. Parent, if you do not like what is happening with your child - go for consultation to the therapist. No, not about the child - to himself. Children are extremely sensitive and absorb our anxiety, sadness, alienation, respond to them, experiencing them, as if it were their anxiety and sorrow. And suffer accordingly.
Therefore, if you can work out your own attitude to the body and change it in a positive direction, the main profit from this will get your kids. This does not mean that they will be totally protected from bodily shame and self-doubt, but they will have a solid foundation - your confidence in their own attractiveness - on which they can rely
Recommendation "to play sports with the whole family" banal, but also very loyal. To me at the consultation are constantly coming parents whose children are overweight, and talk about how children do not want to do ballet or handball. Ask how to make. And one way to - get up from the couch and to think of or remember from childhood active outdoor games or variations movement
I remember a client told me that, adoring father, she could not stand Sunday skiing in the winter, on the initiative of parents who commit the whole family. Do not try to force the child to fall in love with the sport that you like. Look for something that is interesting to him. Not all children love skiing. but to play "dodgeball" a family like everyone.
2. Do not criticize children for unhealthy habits.
If your child overweight, do not say "You are recovered, because eating too much.". If a child is too thin, it will not help your words, "You are so thin, why you eat so little?».
Instead, talk to your child about nutritional balance and healthy lifestyle. This will help young people start talking about their doubts in relation to their own bodies.
The challenge is to express the concern and the anxiety, says Holland.
Gather information from reliable sources about the myths and the truth in the field of eating disorders. Instead of using the word "full" / "lean", use of the word "healthy"
Comment: One of the most common things, typical, in my experience, exclusively for our culture: concern for you gives me the right to the aggression in your address. If I'm worried that you're too late to come home and not call, it gives me the right to yell at you. Well, I'm worried!
In my opinion, a normal expression of anxiety ( "I was very nervous, until you were") is associated for us with a sense of shame, a feeling that this is - weakness. I depend on you, I'm worried if I do not know what's going on with you. Aggression creates the illusion of power and brings relief.
Even worse, when the parents are not satisfied with the appearance of the child. Anxiety over the fact that he will be rejected by society, and at the same time ashamed that my child looks inappropriately, thus casting a shadow on myself, forcing many parents to ridicule, criticize, call too full of children.
But even if you are aware that this is unacceptable, the question arises, how to talk with children about healthy eating? Give read an article about KBZHU balance? The child did not advance beyond the first paragraph.
What to do if you eat in general. balanced and healthy, and the child - not (for example, happy to eat vegetables)? Talk with your child about what it's really important. And it is important, what it looks like. For example, here is a simple Scottish study shows that an increase in fruit and vegetable consumption by only two servings a day (for example, apple and carrot snack) significantly improves the complexion, adding skin yellowish and reddish undertone that creates a sense of the beautiful, fresh face healthy person.
Therefore, everything is simple - you will have 2 pieces of fruit and vegetables more than you eat now, you will become more beautiful. Beauty - from the inside, and very often - from the gastrointestinal tract
How to talk with her daughter about her body
3. is not associated with a set of health or weight loss.
"At the present time to be fat or thin - it's not just about size and weight, is a reflection of nature. This is a wrong perception ", - said Robert Silverman, author of" Good girls do not get better: how obsessive concern about weight destroys our daughters "and an expert in the field of body image
Too often in our society it means to be thin to be beautiful, smart and successful, and be equal to the total negative qualities.
Instead: make it clear to the child that the size and weight have little to do with health. If you eat a balanced, daily move, getting enough sleep, and drink the water, and to cope with stress in a constructive way, your weight is usually reduced to the point where it should be, says Silverman.
Note: unfortunately, the parents themselves the idea that the weight has little to do with health, it seems disturbing the foundations and "unscientific". For them, I recommend to get acquainted with the recently published book "obesity paradox" the largest American cardiologist, author of modern textbooks for doctors, scientists and practitioners of Carl Levi.
Based on years of Levi detailed reasoning for research why a BMI from 25 to 30, and in some cases above, for maximum longevity and highest standard of health, including protection from a number of serious chronic diseases, including cancer, as well as cautions against overuse physical activity, emphasizing. that "the human body is designed to walk, not run," and that daily physical activity should be moderate, not too long and not limit your physical abilities. From the very first pages of the book Levy urges cease to lose weight, if you are currently engaged in this, and may consider the option of gaining weight.
Instead BMI Levi offers to determine the level of health of the individual to assess his "Cardiovascular health", that is the heart and circulatory system, as the main indicator.
The book contains a wealth of previously unpublished anywhere except in scientific journals, statistics confirm these provisions.
4. Do not praise your child for physical beauty.
If you mark only the child's physical attractiveness. it can not allow him to observe its other positive qualities, writes Sarah Maria, author of "Love your body, love your life" and an expert on body image.
Instead, mark the child such qualities as intelligence and sense of humor.
Interesting tips gives Maya Van Wagenen (teenager), who wrote the bestseller "How to become popular: old wisdom for today's boom." Being very shy, Maya decided to conduct a social experiment, and spent all Grade 8, following the advice from the book of the 50s. how to become popular.
"I learned that the true definition of popularity is not about what you look like, and what kind of man, and ceased to pay attention to what my body" is not so ". I was able to laugh at the fact that my chest irregular size, because for the first time in my life I felt no shame about it. »
Maya urges parents to show their children - instead of having to read them a lecture on the subject - that the most important thing in the body is what you choose to do with it, but not how you look
Talking to children, "I wanted to be more like myself when I was your age," not the least bit helpful. Instead, check the child's kindness and his ability to inspire, not his attractiveness, which eventually disappear, Maya offers.
5. Do not compare your teenager with other teens.
In adolescents, there is no need to indicate their adult peers on quality - they are quite aware of these qualities
"In school you always compare yourself with others. You always look at other girls - they look like, if they have the guys, "- says Alex Curtis, a 16-year-old model
Compare with other makes you feel unsafe, and this is the most horrible experience of adolescence, she notes.
Instead: Talk with your child about how important it is to focus on themselves and not on how to look like the other guys
Working with a model 14 years, Curtis was used constantly criticized and realized how important it is not to rely on other people to feel happy, but to focus on what matters most to you.
Note: Some little girls are so smart that already terrible
Children who are constantly compared with others, grow extremely uncertain, not only in itself - in its very right to exist, to their own opinion. In therapy such adult children come because they are incredibly difficult to take any decision in life, to achieve something in life, set goals and achieve them.
They can not be solved over the years to get married, have children, change jobs, get an education. They endlessly analyze the advantages and disadvantages Togot and this vacuum cleaner, phone this and that brand, this fan and that ... and can not choose, because the enormous depend on extranecks estimates and are not trying to decide what they really need, and guess what choice like others. If you want to save money your child spent on long-term therapy - do not compare it with others. Just do not do it.
How to talk with her daughter about her body
6. I do not think that the boys do not care about looks.
Despite the fact that the boy could not ask whether he has a powerful biceps and how you dice it on his stomach, the boys are worried about the appearance, too.
"Among boys, we see an increase in obsessive concern for appearance and involvement into unhealthy behaviors," - says Holland
Boys suffer from anorexia as well as girls, but beyond that, the boys there and bigoreksiya. This disorder, in which a young man is concerned, it looks physically weak, tries to "pump up" and can resort to anabolic steroids for a set of muscle mass.
Instead: Recognize that your son may be podobgnye problems and create an environment conducive to the discussion of these issues. Direct his attention to the healthy form of physical activity, rather than the destruction of his own body.
7. Do not neglect how media can affect the way your child's body.
Возможно, у вас нет инстаграмма или Твиттера. Это не повод не учитывать того, как социальные сети влияют на уверенность вашего ребенка в себе.
ВМЕСТО этого: признайте, что влияние соцсетей на подростков так же сильно, как влияние ТВ и кинофильмов. What is the difference? Соцсети меньше фильтруются.
«В соцсетях культивируется специфическая откровенность и открытость, которая может сильно влиять на того, кто находится в поиске самого себя», — говорит Холланд.
Кертис отмечает, как часто в Твиттере появляются записи девушек о том, как много они съели, и о том, что им нужно в спортзал. Она признает, что публикует в Инстаграмме и Твиттере свои удачные фото с целью привлечь внимание молодых людей. Тем не менее, у соцсетей есть и позитивное влияние. «Многие супермодели используют социальные сети, чтобы показать возможность любить и принимать себя, и то, что красота — изнутри, а не снаружи», — отмечает девушка.
8. НЕ говорите с подростком о том, как совершенны и как потрясающе выглядят «звезды».
«С самого детства, совершенно естественно смотреть на людей в кино и на ТВ, в глянцевых журналах, и это влияет на наше представление о красоте», — говорит Мария. «На самом деле, эти образы демонстрируют то, что популярно, то, что в тренде, а не то, что действительно красиво».
ВМЕСТО этого: для подростка важно понимать, что эти образы не являются реалистичными, и никому не удается достичь такой внешности естественным путем. Как только подростки соображают, каким образом мелиа вынуждают их чувствовать себя определенным образом, они начинают сопротивляться и не дают себя больше дурачить", — говорит Сильверман.
Убедитесь, что подросток сталкивается с образами людей всех возрастов, рас и культур, — отмечает Мария.
Комментари: для детей естественно испытывать смущение или удивление, впервые встречаясь с людьми, которые выглядят не так. Это могут быть инвалиды, люди со специфическими заболеваниями (например, кожными), очень полные люди и так далее. Ребенок не знает, как реагировать на это, он может реагировать страхом или смехом.
А дальше он посмотрит на вас, и если он прочитает на вашем лице плохо скрываемое отвращение — «жирный», «калека» — то решит, что именно таким образом и нужно реагировать. Никакие правильные слова о том, как нужно относиться к людям, непохожим на меня и тебя, не помогут, если ваше собственное отношение к «иным» нагружено страхом или неприязнью. И поскольку никто из нас не застрахован от полноты, инвалидности или болезни, работа с собственным конфликтным отношением к таким людям — это инвестиции в психическое здоровье детей.
«Каждый человек уникален и каждый человек красив. Вопрос только в том, насколько открыты ваши глаза, чтобы это увидеть?».