How to respond to hurtful words: 8 ways to keep confidence

Insulting words confront us daily - often when we least ready for it:

on the road during rush hour, when the worst qualities are manifested in humans;
in queues, ends when we have patience;
at work and at the festive table, where people find rude almost permitted.

Critical attacks are so diverse that defy classification. Here and "light", daily injections ( "Well, at last!"), And such as from the grievance darkens in the eyes ( "I see you're busy with what you do best - again zhrёsh»)
Sometimes words just give insensitivity. Gathering her courage, the son told his mother that his wife left him, and the answer was: "How long is it going to»

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It is believed that in the family, we can hide from the world. And in fact, the relatives say to each other such that they would never have told a stranger, often adding as a justification: "You know, I say this because I love you»

. One woman recalled how once, when she was 12, she stood before the mirror and her mother suddenly said: "Do not worry, dear. If the nose is still to grow, it will be possible to have an operation. " Until that day, the girl and had no idea that she is not a perfect nose.

Particularly "good" veiled insults, which are called "constructive criticism", although they do not have to do with it. They are easily recognizable by the accompanying phrases, such as "I hope I can talk to you frankly," or "I'm telling you this for your own good." It turns out that you have to almost admire the sincerity of criticism and assess its care, while you hardly come up after the impact.

Defending himself against insults, easy to end up in a vicious circle of attacks and counter-attacks. Fortunately, there are ways to repel the offender without dropping self-esteem.

The next time you will become a target of criticism, try these tips.

1. Try to understand

Anyone who criticizes the other, often very crowded offense. If you can not figure out what is really bothering the person insulted you, ask him about it. Remember: the offense is not always meant to you personally. Look at the situation from the outside and look for the cause.

The waitress was rude to you, not because what you tell her something did not like - just on the eve of her favorite cast. Driver "undercutting" you do not wish to annoy you - he is in a hurry to the sick child. Pass it forward, support him.

Trying to understand those whose words hurt you touched, you will suffer more easily hurt.

2. Analyze said

In his book "The subtle art of verbal self-defense" Suzette Haden Elgin offers expanded offended you comment on a part of and respond to the unspoken reproach, without building the victim. For example, hearing "if you loved me, you would have lost weight", you can answer this way: "How long have you decided that I do not love you?»

3. Face the offender

Resist the abuse is not easy. It helps, in particular, integrity. Remove the negative charge, for example, such a question: "Do you for some reason need to hurt me" or "You know how these words can be perceived?"

You can also ask the person to clarify the meaning of the comments: "What do you mean" or "I want to see if I understand you correctly?" Once your critic feels that his game unraveled, it will leave you alone. After all, when you were caught red-handed, it is very embarrassing.

4. resort to humor

My friend once had to hear: "This is your new skirt? In my opinion, a cloth obbivayut chairs. " She did not lose her and said: "Well, sit down on my knees»

. The mother of my friend for life jealously watched over the purity of the house. One day she found her daughter cobwebs and asked, "What's that?" "I spend a science experiment" - retorted daughter. The best weapon against abusive criticism - laughter. Witty response will help you to cope with almost any offender.

5. Think symbol

One woman told me that her husband criticized her in public without fail. Then she began to carry a small towel, and every time her husband told her something offensive, cover head with a towel. He was so ashamed that he got rid of his bad habits.

6. Do not mind

Agree with everything. If the wife says, "I think you recovered ten kilograms, dear", replied: "At twelve, to be precise." If she does not retreat: "So what will you do with excess weight?" - Try this: "Oh, nothing, I guess. Just I'll stay for a while the fat man. " Offensive remarks much as much as you do gives him strength. While agreeing with the criticism you are disarming the critic.

7. Ignore the injection

Listen to comment, tell yourself that it is not at the address, and forget. Forgiveness - is one of the most important skills that help us to live, and that we can develop a

. If you are not quite ready to forgive, let them know the speaker that his remark be heard, but no answer. Next time, when you let go taunt, wipe with a shirt imaginary spot. When the person who hurt you, ask what you do, say, "I thought me something horrible, but I probably made a mistake»

. When the offender knows that you, too, you know, it becomes much more cautious. Or pretend you're not interested. Blink, yawn and turn away, as if to say: "Who cares," People can not stand where they are considered boring

. 8. Add the 10 percent

You can never fully protect themselves from offensive remarks. Try to take some of them as natural manifestations of irritation that happen at all.

Most of us are careful not to offend others, but sometimes we make mistakes. So guard yourselves, when you think it's necessary, but think also of the "10 percent rule»:

- 10 percent of the cases is that thing somewhere else cheaper you purchased
. - 10 percent of thing you somebody borrowed, returned to you
damaged. - Something that can be said in 10 percent of cases, even your best friend without thinking and later regret having said

. In other words, growing a thicker skin. It is usually easier to assume that people are trying to do the best you can, and many people simply do not realize how their behavior affects others.

Always keep the defense, to prove his innocence and to control the situation - too expensive. Try to forgive, and in return you get a lot less resentment and trouble than the notorious 10 percent.

When a man insulted the Buddha, he said: "My son, if someone refuses to accept the gift, to whom it then belongs to" "One who gives," - said the man. - So, - I continued the Buddha - I refuse to accept your insulting words

. The world is full of people who belittle others to assert themselves. Do not take offense, even when you are showered with them as gifts of love. Not paying attention to them, you remove the stress, strengthen your relationships with others and make their lives more enjoyable.

Author: Jennifer James (Jenniffer James), master of psychology.