Continuing yesterday's post. Remember the old ... laugh

Chapter 6 (conversational, intermediate): Chicken racism


- Good old woman with strong bonce caught. And then I think everything will go nuts!


- The Killers. You killed my dream. It was the girl of my life.


- You're right now about which of the two? (Oom):

- About one from which I was only a silhouette on the trunk of this wonderful tree, fruiting boots. Look at the shape. What lines ...


- Yes, really tailored boots okay.


- Comedians fucking. Boots! Happiness ... Happiness robbed me, fiends. I hate you.


- Yes lana ones. Let's run in gorlishko. Smazhem your sadness.


- A motion is considered vulgar and ill-timed.


- I do not understand ?!


- I Grew, pour. But know this - I despise you.


- Well, for emotional outbursts!


- Speaking of the urge. Spiritual sincerity, and no snacks no longer fails. Where's the chicken?


- Yurra fries.


- Who fries ?? Yurra ??? Fucking chickens ...


- Pasha, would not want to upset you unnecessarily, but some time ago, these were beheaded chicken, cynically plucked, gutted and dismembered. Do you seriously think that they can find something even more unpleasant?


- Believe me, it can. Yurra loves to cook. All we are left with no snacks ...

... When they came to the fire, Yurra quietly stayed out of consciousness in the classic pose of the compass - each limb pointing to his side of the world, while in one hand he had a skewer, and another sapper shovel (to her we shall return).


- Yurra, wake up! Yurrik, you're our own people! Yurra fucking chicken where?


- There ...


- Yurra not disappear Yurra, focus - where there?


- There ...


- I think we're losing him.


- I'm more concerned that we are losing the goose.


- Yurra, "there" - not for us, it's the wrong answer, and thus inhuman.


- Yes, Yurrik, it is inhumane, because your friends want a bite to eat, and deprive them of this simple joy inhumane. Agree?


- There !!!


- Yurra you much to upset his friends. And your friends do not like to be upset, however, Pasha?


- True. Let's throw him into the river.


- No, this is not our method.


- A snack squander - this is our method ?? What is your proposal?


- Right now ... ... Give the bottle with him it always works. Yurra!


- There? ..


- Vodka drink? ..


- Yes!


- Ayn moment pour. Oh, where's zakus?


- There! The ve ... Dre! Under de pe ... ... tion!


- You look, it worked. Yeah, and that's the bucket. So ... gn! .. Yurrik Yurra ... fuck! Why is it black as coal? Paaachemuuu it chёёёrnaya ???


- Sasha, do not shake it so. Terrible happened.


- Chёёёrnaaaaya pochemuuuu blyayayayaya ???


- Tsssssss ... This chicken - black. Do you know ... a racist? ..


- I told you fucking chicken. Burned nakuy ...

Chapter 7 (sea, a little funny): Boarding

... Later Oom times wondered - why? Or rather - What hammering? What hammering, this boat needed to sail past our clearing at the very moment when Griboff, lying on his stomach, carefully and ecologically yogurtiziroval in a deep disposable plate, watching the river fairway. Boat fun sliding on the rapid stream of clear water, fueled by dashing strokes fun. No not like this. This fucking boat, debility twitching, kizdovala downstream river stink. Griboff without interrupting the process of sour milk, followed closely by her slip. When finished, he carefully covered the plate on top of another, hesitantly got up and confidently said: "I want to go boating. I recommend doctors. "Unfortunately for the rest of alcoholics in this case did not have anything against doctors' recommendations. By this time almost all were in the turf ...

- But pachport kindly pledged - growled the man in charge of the boat station, warily looking at eight potential sailors, barely standing on his feet, like a pre-adjust to pitching.

- And I have it ... this ... - Griboff carefully probed pockets. In the pocket of the jeans he had something unexpectedly I felt surprised, once again felt, belched and triumphantly pulled ... pickles.

- Opa. But not here at my passport, - I said he took a bite of the vegetable.

- A ihde? - The boatman was born the hope of getting rid of the dangerous drunkards.

- In this same ... in a jacket - he shrugged his Griboff.

- A ihde jacket? - Were pressing guy, good hope becomes tangible.

- Well ... probably I stayed where I vomit - retorted Griboff honestly looking into the eyes.

- Yeah! But do not put no pachporta! - Hope boatman finally strengthened and spread its wings.

- Listen, my dear! - Shura stepped forward and took out a folding knife.

- Eey, boys, do not kill! - Kind of knife with traces of blood, not only chicken wings hopes pooblomal guy, but generally once it slightly depressed.

The ensuing compromise satisfies both the High Contracting Parties:

- Eight boats still can not give - the current three available. If drowned, then to hell with you!

- Perfectly! We will arrange these three beautiful schooner. Grand merci, mon Cheri! Keep piastres. Navy Her Majesty in your debt.

- Lord corsairs, forward!

... And fellow alcoholics with hoots and matyugami fall into the boat, out to the open sea under the flag boxers Griboffa. Yes, it is boxers mixed colors, worn on a stick ...

... Forty minutes later, swimming Griboff stopped singing Bavarian folk song, swaying to the beat of one of our boats, so that it draws water both sides, and said, "Damn I want to pee. My friends, it's time to substitute pipisku salty winds ... ". With these words he knelt at the bow of the boat, pulled out of his pants and a heavy anchor, caved in with a bang in the vertebrae, take the gold water Klyazma. And here he has managed to make out in the distance someone else's boat. She calmly swam the middle of the river, while our fleet slowly approached her. Boat with Griboffom on the nose was in the forefront, and pointing with his free hand into the distance, our Admiral cried:

- Oh mein lieber Goth! Filibusters! You know what I see? I see production! Cruys-topgallant staysail me in the ass, if there is nothing on this boat, alone profit! We will take it! Vperёёёёёёёёёёd !!!

... And the squadron obediently rushed to production. The flagship, frankly, looked eerily: without ceasing to be cast, the benefit was than Griboff stood on the bow of the schooner like figures carved on the stem, and a bad voice shouting: "On board the ship, en your mother!". At the stern sat Zhenich with a long stick in his hand, which hovered semeyniki Griboffa, terrifying his veselёnkim flavor. The role of the rowers performed Pyatibrator and Tolia, announces the silence of the water surface to the beat of rhythmic cries of a wave of his oars, "Iiieeeraz, shit! Iiieeeeraz, shit! ". The other two schooners with Oom "om, Pasha, and sometimes revived Shurik Yurroy were much more modest row behind the flagship.

... When the target boarding approached Oom "and felt hot: sitting in a boat kind of girl. And it is the same grandmother. Unhappy lady with open mouths and eyes wide, looked at in a stupor flying them onboard weapon Griboffa that he not only withdrew back into his pants, and began brandishing them. Horrified Oom looked at Shurik. He nodded in the sense that "You have to catch him to Ebony mother!". Disposition boats instantly changed. While the ship led Griboffa raced to the boat ladies, under the command of the schooner Oom "as Shurik and tried to catch up on the flanks and intercept. On the approach to numb horror to women when the boat Griboffa already threatened about to ram them, schooners Shurika Oom'a and managed to get around it half a length and one jerk simultaneously closer to the right and the left, facing noses in front of her and formed the letter "e ", in which the base of a second and ran stem flagship Squadron ...

... From the bounce Griboff like the core of the gun flew from the bow of the boat and, while continuing to wave his sticking out of his pants grappling hook with a scream "Ёpanaaaaaaaaaa!" Swooped over the boat ladies. I think the reader will not be very surprised that during the flight crashed into Griboff granddaughter and fascinated her with him into the water with a resounding splash ...

Chapter 8 (Folk): In the village

... While Griboff drying their clothes on skewers over glowing coals, others decided to organize a cont-unit to be sent to the nearest village for a snack. Within an hour, as the squad of five people have marched through the night in the direction of the village. If troops commanded Griboff sea, over land Yurra posted.

... Yurra, Estonian by nationality, but has lived most of his life in Moscow, are themselves media velikoimperskih sentiment. Addicted to militarism and yearning for power of the USSR, he was at home "Saiga", a pair of handcuffs, three complete sets of camouflage and sapper shovel. And now he was going ahead squad in camouflage vest and pants with army tags on the neck and sapper shovel in hand. Follow him into the arc quartet ITES recruits tried to march in step, and a measured pace, making it struck an even greater horror on rare counter-travelers. "ZAP-wai song!" - And ordered Yurra squad entered the village ...

... Rustic old woman sitting on the bench and, Luck semachki, arguing about politics.

- And even if pёt! But it is about ordinary people think! I believe in Boris Nikolaitch!

- Look at you! On any such simple? Just woke up and began to Yeltsin your Nikodimovna think about - whether healthy, fed there.

- Oh, and what do you think Zyuganov can not sleep, if you have not had dinner ...

... "And molodooooovaaaa komandiiiiraaaa bear with a broken golovoooy .. & quot; - Watered-debate broke discordant choral singing. From the darkness of the evening went to the bench sapper shovel. After it appeared Yurra, followed by everyone else. Yurra commanded: "Stop, one-two! On-leeee of! Tpruuuu, shit! Eyes on the grannies! ". Old ladies immediately zasobiralis home. However Yurra seized the initiative question:

- Mother, - he said to the old woman to the nearest confidential whisper, ear scratching spatula - and there are many in our village?

- Enough, my dear, grabs - stiffened "mother", wisely decided not to specify, about what "our" in question.

- Yeah? .. And how do you feel about the locus of global terrorism - Chechnya? - Continued questioning Yurra.

- Negative, my dear, is negative: we do not like these Chechens damned - otraportovala granny and already turning to her friends wailed, - Oh, chavoy then inflated mene all, I will go up to the house.

- Yes, and we have to go, and we'll go, - supported by friends.

- Mother, we would have a bit of bread, - he recalled his Yurra, tapping on the shoulder blade camouflage ankle.

- What are you, my dear, we are starving tutochki, a small pension, and in the garden staryya uzho we dig something - wailed an old woman, moving with small steps along the fence away from sin.

- Maybe still exists a couple of crumbs - came forward Pyatibrator, taking inspiring respect purse (Dad had been dyuzhe boHaty) - will not be offended.

- Oh, Yeah FAQ thread probably find, if to look for something - instantly revived old first - Come to the hut, to the sister of my granddaughter has arrived, so she too concocted Coy FAQ sure.

... Needless to say, that tumbled into the hut and found the very grandmother, and the very granddaughter of the boat (Gogol with his dumb scene from & quot; «The Inspector General» & quot; swallow cigarette butts), the squad was forced to beat a hasty retreat under the pressure of pissing rags and seized upon heating ...

Chapter 9 (electric): On an ability to stick

... Already late at night in the rooms defeat room №27 began with the fact that the tape the batteries run down. Pasha looked at the tape and looked at the outlet in the wall and a view of a professional uttered:

- Shit'll need a wire.

- Right now! Moment! We'll get! - Yurra Shurika seized a folding knife and headed for the door. I pulled the door handle and wrenched it from the root.

- Yurra, from myself!

- Understood you! - I agreed Yurra, coped with the door and the march moved to an unknown destination.

- Yeah, damn ... This would get - believe in love Pasha.

... Twenty minutes later, he returned Yurra:

- Here! - In his hand he held a piece of a thick wire.

- Yurrik, it does not fit - you need a pair, besides, we still do not have the plug - disappointed getter Pasha.

- Couple? Plug? - Brightened Zhenich - Yurrik, give the knife!

- On - Yurra rarely tired long phrases.

- Etitkina tit! Yurra, and that with a knife? - On the knife blade adorned with two huge, semicircular dents subsidiaries bloat.

- A strike while knows! - I answered honestly Yurra, stood up and deliberately defiled the balcony with irresistible urge to yogurtizirovaniyu.

At this point the back of the toilet for a long time absent Shreds:

- Eptyt! On our floor, had toilet is clogged. Is it so difficult to vomit from the balcony? Ahh, I see already. Well, thank God, came. Estimate, schaz sparkled on the third floor, so there is no light, and fitter wiring fuck - grit, some woodpecker managed to cut a piece of the high-voltage wire of the shield. There is still everything smokes. Plague! Steep see a woodpecker, if not kill the fuck.

- Tolia, you want to get to know this Woodpecker? - Shura took a deep breath.

- Yurra ??? - Shreds guessed.

- No comment, Tolia, without comment.

- Ndaaaaa ... Electricians Estonian, blah! Zhenich you something like talking about the plug - reminded Pasha.

- And, yes, - Zhenich drank a glass, went to the wall sconces, and one stroke with a knife cut the bottom portion of the wire with a plug. - Well: and steam, and the plug!

- The head! - Praised the Pasha, and then adjusted the wire to the recorder, slapped his cud.

- Come on, - he said, intending to put a plug into one of the outlets on the wall.

- Pash, there is one outlet for razor, do not mix - warned Zhenich.

- Spokuha without looking at a current member of the pop! - Reasonably noticed Pasha and put ...

... When half an hour in the room, illuminating their way flashlight, entered fitter, the smoke has cleared, blown recorder had thrown off the balcony and wire to the touch with a bang ripped from the wall and hid. But the bottle he still had to sacrifice, because only she could help fitters to forget about the need to inform the administrator about stёkshem on the floor bunch oplyvshey plastic, which in a previous life was a shaver and scorched square meter of wallpaper around it ...

Chapter 10 (cognitive) about intercultural communication

... Collective degrees continued to grow, and vodka are endless. These were the bright young years, when people were returning after the yogurt at a table with a view to add - and the feast lasted. At the table again Griboff joker. He narrated about his trip to Bavaria, which occurred in the late eighties:

- Well, you do understand, foreigners and right now we have a little to know, and then finally Nick did not know. Standard set - vodka, caviar, winter, bears on the streets. And zaepli order my local teens stupid questions like & quot; «Is it true that you have a hat with earflaps - old female headdress? Do you really into the school lunch menu includes vodka? »& Quot ;. Well, I started to have fun. To go out, I Herak to the car - on the hood with both hands whisking, probe type. They are to me - they say, is Che? And I Grew - & quot; «And what is it you are done?» & Quot ;. I respond: & quot; «Well, - metal, plastic, other kuynya ... And you in Moscow, is not it?» & Quot ;. I Grew - & quot; «Neeee ... We are wooden. The Siberian pine cut there and the machine knock together, then dragged by dog ​​sled to the Urals - but already there and the railway is - steam engines go. »& Quot; They - & quot; «Blyayaya as wood ??? A windshield ?? »& quot; And I told them - & quot; «A Kuylyu, dosochki gap between the front left special - through them and zyrim. But we must carefully zyrit - God forbid someone thread bear zadenesh, so he gets mad and rattletrap this wooden nakuy will spread into pieces, can not escape, can not hide! »& Quot; They - & quot; «Blyayayayaya !!! A Th bears directly so that's a lot? »& Quot; I Grew - & quot; «And how! I remember the winter went to Pops for firewood. Exit - kuyak, snow filled up the whole staircase fuck - do not get. Well, we shovels. Somehow cleared. Current two steps done - out of a snowdrift bear! White! Huge. Good neighbor from the second floor from the window he saw the time - put the reptile of the shotgun with one salvo! We then ate all winter! .. »& Quot;

Chapter 11 (neighborly): Caucasian guest

... Under the general laughter of drunken nobody noticed that the corner of the room by the open door that's already half an hour sitting blonde materialized out of nowhere. But laughter at some point died down and a pause mysterious stranger loud hiccupped.

- What nakuy! You otkel such a blonde? - Politely inquired Pyatibrator.

- From there, - he corresponded blonde, waving his hand vaguely, and then hiccupped. The blonde was dyminu.

- My name is Pavel. Vodka pour?


See also

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