Yes... Long ago it was. I'm in the 6th grade won in a geography quiz album "Peter pan and Wendy" in a blue cover. And, I must say that at that time, my favorite pastime was to play records. I could barely stand after school and ran home, not taking off his coat turned on the player, and... plunged into the world of fairy tales James Barry. This light was my introduction to one of the most famous fairy tales of the UK.
A tale about it: Peter pan — the boy who never wanted to grow up, so he ran away from his parents. Settled in the country of Netlandii and lives there in the company of lost boys. He has his own fairy Tinker bell saving him from the worst alterations. And what is most wonderful — Peter pan can fly. One night he came into the family the Darlings became acquainted with their daughter Wendy and took her to his island, where children have been many fun and dangerous adventures.
"Why don't you undress?" — my mother's voice brought me back to earth.
Don't know how many times then I'd bother checking some of this record... a lot. So she loved me! The setting of the tale is wonderful, and the songs, the voices and intonations of the characters I still remember. Vividly imagining the Island is Unprecedented (in the original country of Neverland), I always admired the courage and bravery of the brave Peter, the ease with Wendy communion, he was surprised by the adventurous boys, their battles with the terrible pirates. I imagined that Wendy it's me, Peter pan is my friend.
So, thread by thread, forming a ball jiznennogo scenario. Then following which people live. Following which she lived and I'm asking myself the same question: "Why is the behavior and that men are so similar to the behavior of the previous one?" Until one day we don't get to the truth with my therapist.
The sadness of the story of Peter pan
The classic tale of George. Barry begins with the words: "All children sooner or later grow. Except for one".
The story of 12 year-old boy, never growing up, originated from the author is not accidental. But here's the thing. James Barry was the older brother, who died in early adolescence, and was always a boy in the memories of their mother. And I must say that the mother experienced a painful loss of the eldest son. And James, in order to mitigate the loss, wore the costumes of the deceased brother, tried not to grow and often sat at his mother's bedside, entertaining her.
This subtle point gives a deeper understanding of the tale. The author put into it his inner unspoken pain of losing the motherly love and keen rivalry with his dead brother. For the mother of the deceased child always remains in the memory in the age at which he left, it tend to idealize. And no, I will never be able to match him. As no one will ever be able to defeat a man who could fly.
James Barry was so desperate to earn a bit of motherly love, which created the tale of "Peter pan".
The archetype of the Eternal boy
This tale is not as popular in Russia as in English-speaking countries, but its echoes can be heard here. And the thing is those archetypes that are used in works of art, in fairy tales, including. In the story Peter pan bright sounds the archetype of the Puer.
Archetype (Archetype) — Universal images or symbols contained in the collective unconscious; predispose an individual to experience certain feelings or to think a certain way about this object or situation (examples: hero, sage).
Puer aeternus (Latin for "eternal boy") PU'er, one of the Jungian archetypes: the child who refuses to grow up.
The person who doesn't want to grow up, to become responsible for their lives, metaphorically referred to as the Eternal Boy, the Puer, the Divine teenager, even Peter pan. Psychologist Dan Kiley called the Peter pan syndrome the phenomenon of the wishes of the child "to live with no worries and nothing to think."
It so happens that the archetype of the Puer dominates in man, and it happens that only a part of the individual is subordinated to it. People strongly influenced by this archetype takes on the features of the real teenager, regardless of how old he is at the moment. How does this manifest in relationships, we now analyze.
In this article I will give examples of man — the Eternal teenager, but this does not mean that a woman is not affected by this archetype.
The Power Of Peter
"As before, he was a little boy, but she was a grown woman. But he didn't notice because I was busy with myself"
James Matthew Barrie "Peter Pan"
Oh! How good he is, this Peter pan! He was always young at heart, charming, a sort of devilry in his eyes. Such a man attracts by its spontaneity, playfulness, its lightness and freshness of ideas, originality of promises. Characterized by bright ostentation, frequent mood swings, with a fair degree of exaltation. It is very original and seemingly not similar on others. For example, in their 50s it can paint the hair blue, or wear clothing with big Bunny on my stomach. In General, it is impossible not to pay attention.
The woman is necessarily involved in his game. When she finally fell in love, it turns out that Peter is not ready for a relationship. He just wanted to see how far they can go. And, because it gets the sentimentality and great violence, it can in one fell swoop to break off relations and go to bed, exactly it, nothing else concerns.
No matter how old is he now 25 or 48. These people frolic and play. With them is impossible serious conversation. As soon as it comes to the important stuff (feelings, for example) it is immediately "gone". Family for him is boring, it is so unloved them with life! And not the household as such, but the consistency and routine that it entails. Such a person always wants to keep the relationship intact with their romantic touch, the spark in his eyes and a slight excitement in the shower. Who had been married for at least 5 years, he understands that savagery in marriage impossible in principle, all once boring.
Here, by way of old Odessa anecdote:
— Kiss me, Mona!
— I do not understand what kind of orgies in the fifth year of family life?
Life without obligation — that's his ideal! He doesn't like some of his burdens, binds to a specific location or time, does not like to obey anyone or anything. Therefore, sometimes accept the marriage, but the best guest, and if he is 100% sure that the woman is not going anywhere. "Nobody owes anybody anything" is the motto of his life.
If the woman gave birth to his child, she needs to understand that the child does not need Peter in principle, the presence of the child it will never hold. He is still a child, and children do not want to raise children. The maximum that they are capable of, sometimes to play with him in something exciting and it. But care every day, to educate, to bear the whims and sometimes deny — it's not about them.
I know a real case when a man, being well over 50, everyone told me he wants children, and when his girlfriend got pregnant, he decided that their relationship was a mistake.
These are the men who forget to buy bread for dinner or to take the child from kindergarten. These are the men who give the first place to chat with friends, not family interests. It will be up to midnight to deliver friends after the party, showing false concern, but for months, home repairs faucet. And he is quite frankly puzzled why so disgruntled wife!
Besides Eternal teenager at first inclined to idealize. There are some women who are proud that "he adored me once"! It would seem to be fine, but the thing is... On the pedestal forever will not hold your slightest deviation from the ideal, and here you are already defeated, and he is in search of a new ideal. Such is the man, he's a stranger to real human values.
Your man may be the most fearless and courageous, to do different amazing stunts and tricks, to dance the night away in the club to engage with you rampant ......, you do the craziest of surprises, to be the main "captain" in their environment, will entertain you (if he wants), but what's the point for you personally, if he never will take responsibility for you and your family? Not because he doesn't love you, but because he, like fire, is afraid of routine and monotony.
And do not expect that your "Peter pan" will grow. He won't do that, not unless you want to. And why would he want to grow? Because of him, so beautiful and fearless, is all "Wendy" — women are able to feed, warm, "darn socks, sew pockets and tell stories".
As a man infected with Peter pan syndrome?
Peter pan — a product of society and individual upbringing.
But the main reason is the strong dependence on the mother. The mother in this case may be, as too demanding, focused on the success of their child and an overprotective and suffocating him with your love.
Consider the negative set of education "Not to grow", which inspires the child of an overprotective mother. It often applies to only the youngest and most beloved children.
How is this setting? Very simple.
"That's when you grow up, you learn what a pound is dashing, baby!" "Better childhood had not yet been invented, it's the most wonderful time". "Go play, son, to turn out more" — so often the mother protects her beloved son from any, even minor, work. These and similar phrases they hear from childhood.
Every time the child feels confidence in his address: "You're small, unable to cope yet, I will do. Now, when you grow up, then I'll let you do it." Such children are often in the address instead of the name I hear "small", "baby", they have a role of the smallest in the family.
Such words and behavior of the parents the child unconsciously broadcast negative set, "I love you when you're small, so if you want to be loved by me, not to grow." The motive of these parents that they are afraid of growing up of his child and the time when he will need to leave the family nest. It is much easier if the child will live with them.
Children, focusing on their inner instinct, well understood the secret meaning. And then the child unconsciously decides not to grow. After all, it is clean, take care of him, make decisions until a certain University to learn, to do nothing, and all the buns and so "fall from the sky". This eventually becomes a way of life and life script.
What to do if your man Peter pan?
Cease to patronize it, split the chores, split the purse. May his contribution to family life will be significant.
If you want to conquer a Teenager, the other way you do not like to create every day, fireworks. You need to be constantly changing: hairstyle, a wig or a mask, today is a dress with a sweetheart neckline, and a suit tomorrow General, today restrained the French lady, and tomorrow the fiery Carmen. In popular language it sounds like: Become a bitch.
Like ...., because he loves it!
But if you all got, because it can not get, make a decision and go. My personal experience shows that it will take a year, two and five, and he still isn't ready. He will not change, even if you restitutes a pancake at his feet! Parting hurts... Because with teenagers, really interesting! But it's just entertainment. And to live in a constant stress (will help — will not help, will call — will call) a very short time. Then these feelings do not inspire, and destroy.
If you are a mother of the Eternal teenager...
Even if your son/daughter is 40, to skim (to separate psychologically) is never too late. Yes, you made mistakes while parenting. That's expensive — it may well be that you are now his/her keep and still accept him/her the decisions for which he/she is accusing you then.
It's time to put the final point. Maybe your overgrown Teenager too surprised when, once again as usual will come to you for advice, money or a shoulder to cry on, and you refuse him! Manipulation on his part will be, and harsh words will be. Be brave, in this case, the solid behavior is very justified, you will be able to give that long-awaited "magic kick" to his son/daughter. And before you know, and grandchildren wait.
Found out that Peter pan is it you?
First of all get rid of the illusion that you someone something should be: spouse, parents, children, state. The husband is not obliged to support you, the wife don't have to wash socks and do a Blowjob, children are not required to bring you only fun and excitement, parents are not required to sit with your children, friends are not obliged to entertain, and the psychologist is not required to advise you for free, etc. Learn domestic issues to solve themselves. If you do not know, then pay for the labor of others, forget freebies. But if the result depends on both sides, ...., for example, they will learn to negotiate — this is a healthy basis for relationships between adults.
Consciously dormivit your infantile part. Please note in what area of life you fail: family, money, purpose. Start with this region.
Grow yourself do not want and need a "kick". Do not expect it from life, because so often pendel is a divorce, the loss of the love object, difficult life circumstances or serious illness. I know of one such Divine teenager who could not find a balance between its internal parts. He crossed the invisible line and devolved into immature behavior. And he rose only due to the fact that of a sudden went to jail.
Take responsibility deliberately. Make sure make sure your words do not disperse from business.
Ask for help to an experienced psychologist, you will definitely feel the difference. In your hands will go and a lot of money, and luxury features, and a different circle of friends.