52
Feeling like a man
Three snippets from the stories of men who felt something was wrong with their masculinity. . .
I.“For most of my life I have tried to prove to myself that I am a man. No, physically everything was in place, but some constant doubt kept me awake.
In my head was what my mother hammered into her since childhood: “Girls can not be offended!” I tried. But in practice, “girls can’t be hurt” has become “girls always have to give in.” If you do not give in to something, you will certainly offend.
And then it began: "Come on, you're a man, it's not at all male to behave like that!" Since I did not want to give in, doubt began to creep into my soul that I was a “real man” – he was above all these “little things”. Then I started pretending. Pretend that I don’t care, give in to certain issues with a condescending appearance of “well, what with you, women, take.”
Played toys, a place at the desk, passed forward and so on. All the time I was afraid that if I behaved “wrongly”, the girls would instantly realize that I was not a real man. And many girls with their instincts caught this state and in arguments immediately started: “What are you like a girl behave?”
II.“There were other qualities that a real man in my family did not have the right to display or, on the contrary, was obliged to demonstrate. For example, it was not supposed to think about yourself in the first place, and not about the house or business. He had to hit the nails from the first hit. Well, three. I love repairs. Make a fire quickly and easily. Being athletic and strong. Don't be afraid to get into a fight, even if there's a whole yard gang in front of you. There's a lot of things I can't remember right away.
Perhaps partly that’s why my mother was alone – she had a very long list of required male virtues. One of the most annoying phrases of my mother as a child: “You are a future man, husband, father!” It was only recently that I realized the undertones of this phrase: “You are not a husband, a father or a man.”
I constantly fell into a very peculiar trap. Here, once climbed into a fight that began during a court football match: something there was not shared by our teams. I didn't know how to fight, but I have to be a real kid! He returned home beaten, but with the feeling that “I’m still a real kid!” I came home and got ‘Are you an idiot?’ Why did you come? But mother, you yourself told me that a man is not afraid of a fight? . .
I have always proved my masculinity to my women. And not all of them demanded it – but this hole inside me did not give rest. What did it all turn out to be? In some cases, I could not withstand this tension and broke down at some point. Of course, a woman, even though she had no idea that she was asking me for anything.” . .
III.“How do I feel I’m not really a man?” I'm afraid of other men. I do not prefer men’s companies, I prefer women’s or mixed teams. If a woman appears in a purely male environment, I am relieved - there is someone to lean on, there is someone to get support (support is the very fact of her presence, you do not need to contact this woman directly). When I shake hands with other men, I do not look up at them, and if I make an effort and look straight into the eyes, I shrink internally, because for me, looking with a man with eyes-in-eyes is an examination of masculinity. Competition is a disaster for me. I am compensated by the success of women – I know how to find a common language with them.” . .
In reflecting on these stories, I will not go into why these men (and so many others!) feel a kind of impostor syndrome in relation to their own masculinity, why they are so unsure of themselves as men.
I'm interested in another point: these men are trying to assert their masculinity through women, relying on them, getting support from them. But it is a dead end.
No woman, not a mother, not a wife, not a colleague, can give a man the feeling that he is a man.
She cannot make a man a man, however flattering this thought may be to many women. The level of skill and training of a fighter during a sports match can truly be appreciated by another professional fighter, not an amateur viewer, for whom the main thing is that the blows are more beautiful and stronger. A professional coach can prepare a fighter. It's the same with men and women.
It is possible to replenish the feeling of masculinity that was lost in childhood (for various reasons) only through contact with other men.
In ancient Greece, this principle was brought to its logical conclusion, when an adult man took care of a boy or a young man, often entering into homosexual relations with him. To me, this is an extreme, due to the specifics of that era. It is possible to restore your identity as men in the modern world through communication and competition with other men..
Therefore, men easily converge in company and enter into a fight with others. Competition for women, power, resources and so on. . . By the way, the fact that someone else is competing with you already means that you have been recognized as a worthy competitor. They do not compete with those who are not recognized as worthy, or with those who are considered so superior that it is madness to engage with them.
In purely male companies, there is a special atmosphere. Women have no place in them, not because women are “wrong” or “unworthy.” They just bring their own feminine energy to the company, which destroys unity and causes confusion – precisely at the expense of their own special strength and energy.
Psychological groups sometimes offer to conduct such an experiment.
The group sits in two circles - in one there are only men, in the other - only women. You can sit, talk, exchange opinions, look sneakily at what another circle, another world is doing there. Listen to your feelings. And almost all participants and participants note how much the atmosphere within these small groups has changed, how much the feelings have changed. And this is very difficult to describe, many simply find it difficult to find the right words that would accurately reflect this change. But one thing is noted quite often: After staying in a same-sex group, interest in the opposite sex increases, and you yourself can rely on the feeling of masculinity / femininity that you received / received in the group.
With a woman a man can realize one of the facets of his masculinity. The key is to implement, not receive or prove. If a man needs to prove to a woman that he is a man, he lacks himself as a man. And to prove something to your partner does not make sense, if only because this particular woman may have her own image of what HER man should be. Trying to adapt to someone else’s image of a man is not a very good move.
It doesn’t matter what the meaning of being a man is. There are many images of a “real man”, and for me, for example, the fact of self-perception is more important than conformity to the image. Of course, the recognition of a woman is important for a man who is held in the soul, but for him, female rejection is not a reason to declare yourself untenable and doubt that something is “wrong” with you as a man.
The very process of “proving” one’s masculinity when “helping” a woman often follows two scenarios: negative and positive.
Negative is the way through the humiliation and humiliation of women.
“Women are fools”, “what to take from them”, “woman, know your place” and so on. A classic projection of what you don’t recognize in yourself onto the abstract image of a “typical woman.” This process is even better when you can join other such misogynists and get recognition from them, not on the basis of competition and achievement, but on the basis of common hatred.
Then you get a surrogate feeling that you are “all right”, but again, it depends on women, albeit through their denial. A similar dynamic is observed in some “female” feminist groups, where the unifying principle is hatred of “male oppressors” and a significant part of the conversation revolves around “what bastards they are.” Feminists who are women who are confident in their femininity are strikingly different from such “ultras”, since the former do not need to humiliate men for being born male and associate certain negative qualities with gender, not with personality.
A positive scenario - to perform feats, achievements and the like, and bring all this to the feet of a woman.
This scenario is sung in our culture. But he will not give comfort, because again recognition depends on the woman, and if she rejects everything will collapse and all achievements will be devalued.
Male and female identity cannot depend on anyone’s whim.
Therefore, male communication – in something rude, in something “sexist” and “chauvinist” – is very important, no matter how many women protest against it, trying to limit it.
In ancient times (and in some modern "primitive" societies) The custom of initiation is the rite of transition of a boy to a new status, the status of a man. He was accompanied by severe trials, during which the boy in front of other men showed that he had the necessary qualities.
Now this rite does not exist, and the function of initiation is performed by male communities. They are different, these communities: somewhere a real man smokes, drinks in a bar on Fridays and yells at football / hockey; somewhere goes on extreme hikes / alloys; somewhere builds a house and so on. It is important to have this significant group - in this case, the shortage that formed in childhood is made up for.
I think all of the above applies to women as well.
Author: Ilya Latypov
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: tumbalele.livejournal.com/68665.html
I.“For most of my life I have tried to prove to myself that I am a man. No, physically everything was in place, but some constant doubt kept me awake.
In my head was what my mother hammered into her since childhood: “Girls can not be offended!” I tried. But in practice, “girls can’t be hurt” has become “girls always have to give in.” If you do not give in to something, you will certainly offend.
And then it began: "Come on, you're a man, it's not at all male to behave like that!" Since I did not want to give in, doubt began to creep into my soul that I was a “real man” – he was above all these “little things”. Then I started pretending. Pretend that I don’t care, give in to certain issues with a condescending appearance of “well, what with you, women, take.”
Played toys, a place at the desk, passed forward and so on. All the time I was afraid that if I behaved “wrongly”, the girls would instantly realize that I was not a real man. And many girls with their instincts caught this state and in arguments immediately started: “What are you like a girl behave?”
II.“There were other qualities that a real man in my family did not have the right to display or, on the contrary, was obliged to demonstrate. For example, it was not supposed to think about yourself in the first place, and not about the house or business. He had to hit the nails from the first hit. Well, three. I love repairs. Make a fire quickly and easily. Being athletic and strong. Don't be afraid to get into a fight, even if there's a whole yard gang in front of you. There's a lot of things I can't remember right away.
Perhaps partly that’s why my mother was alone – she had a very long list of required male virtues. One of the most annoying phrases of my mother as a child: “You are a future man, husband, father!” It was only recently that I realized the undertones of this phrase: “You are not a husband, a father or a man.”
I constantly fell into a very peculiar trap. Here, once climbed into a fight that began during a court football match: something there was not shared by our teams. I didn't know how to fight, but I have to be a real kid! He returned home beaten, but with the feeling that “I’m still a real kid!” I came home and got ‘Are you an idiot?’ Why did you come? But mother, you yourself told me that a man is not afraid of a fight? . .
I have always proved my masculinity to my women. And not all of them demanded it – but this hole inside me did not give rest. What did it all turn out to be? In some cases, I could not withstand this tension and broke down at some point. Of course, a woman, even though she had no idea that she was asking me for anything.” . .
III.“How do I feel I’m not really a man?” I'm afraid of other men. I do not prefer men’s companies, I prefer women’s or mixed teams. If a woman appears in a purely male environment, I am relieved - there is someone to lean on, there is someone to get support (support is the very fact of her presence, you do not need to contact this woman directly). When I shake hands with other men, I do not look up at them, and if I make an effort and look straight into the eyes, I shrink internally, because for me, looking with a man with eyes-in-eyes is an examination of masculinity. Competition is a disaster for me. I am compensated by the success of women – I know how to find a common language with them.” . .
In reflecting on these stories, I will not go into why these men (and so many others!) feel a kind of impostor syndrome in relation to their own masculinity, why they are so unsure of themselves as men.
I'm interested in another point: these men are trying to assert their masculinity through women, relying on them, getting support from them. But it is a dead end.
No woman, not a mother, not a wife, not a colleague, can give a man the feeling that he is a man.
She cannot make a man a man, however flattering this thought may be to many women. The level of skill and training of a fighter during a sports match can truly be appreciated by another professional fighter, not an amateur viewer, for whom the main thing is that the blows are more beautiful and stronger. A professional coach can prepare a fighter. It's the same with men and women.
It is possible to replenish the feeling of masculinity that was lost in childhood (for various reasons) only through contact with other men.
In ancient Greece, this principle was brought to its logical conclusion, when an adult man took care of a boy or a young man, often entering into homosexual relations with him. To me, this is an extreme, due to the specifics of that era. It is possible to restore your identity as men in the modern world through communication and competition with other men..
Therefore, men easily converge in company and enter into a fight with others. Competition for women, power, resources and so on. . . By the way, the fact that someone else is competing with you already means that you have been recognized as a worthy competitor. They do not compete with those who are not recognized as worthy, or with those who are considered so superior that it is madness to engage with them.
In purely male companies, there is a special atmosphere. Women have no place in them, not because women are “wrong” or “unworthy.” They just bring their own feminine energy to the company, which destroys unity and causes confusion – precisely at the expense of their own special strength and energy.
Psychological groups sometimes offer to conduct such an experiment.
The group sits in two circles - in one there are only men, in the other - only women. You can sit, talk, exchange opinions, look sneakily at what another circle, another world is doing there. Listen to your feelings. And almost all participants and participants note how much the atmosphere within these small groups has changed, how much the feelings have changed. And this is very difficult to describe, many simply find it difficult to find the right words that would accurately reflect this change. But one thing is noted quite often: After staying in a same-sex group, interest in the opposite sex increases, and you yourself can rely on the feeling of masculinity / femininity that you received / received in the group.
With a woman a man can realize one of the facets of his masculinity. The key is to implement, not receive or prove. If a man needs to prove to a woman that he is a man, he lacks himself as a man. And to prove something to your partner does not make sense, if only because this particular woman may have her own image of what HER man should be. Trying to adapt to someone else’s image of a man is not a very good move.
It doesn’t matter what the meaning of being a man is. There are many images of a “real man”, and for me, for example, the fact of self-perception is more important than conformity to the image. Of course, the recognition of a woman is important for a man who is held in the soul, but for him, female rejection is not a reason to declare yourself untenable and doubt that something is “wrong” with you as a man.
The very process of “proving” one’s masculinity when “helping” a woman often follows two scenarios: negative and positive.
Negative is the way through the humiliation and humiliation of women.
“Women are fools”, “what to take from them”, “woman, know your place” and so on. A classic projection of what you don’t recognize in yourself onto the abstract image of a “typical woman.” This process is even better when you can join other such misogynists and get recognition from them, not on the basis of competition and achievement, but on the basis of common hatred.
Then you get a surrogate feeling that you are “all right”, but again, it depends on women, albeit through their denial. A similar dynamic is observed in some “female” feminist groups, where the unifying principle is hatred of “male oppressors” and a significant part of the conversation revolves around “what bastards they are.” Feminists who are women who are confident in their femininity are strikingly different from such “ultras”, since the former do not need to humiliate men for being born male and associate certain negative qualities with gender, not with personality.
A positive scenario - to perform feats, achievements and the like, and bring all this to the feet of a woman.
This scenario is sung in our culture. But he will not give comfort, because again recognition depends on the woman, and if she rejects everything will collapse and all achievements will be devalued.
Male and female identity cannot depend on anyone’s whim.
Therefore, male communication – in something rude, in something “sexist” and “chauvinist” – is very important, no matter how many women protest against it, trying to limit it.
In ancient times (and in some modern "primitive" societies) The custom of initiation is the rite of transition of a boy to a new status, the status of a man. He was accompanied by severe trials, during which the boy in front of other men showed that he had the necessary qualities.
Now this rite does not exist, and the function of initiation is performed by male communities. They are different, these communities: somewhere a real man smokes, drinks in a bar on Fridays and yells at football / hockey; somewhere goes on extreme hikes / alloys; somewhere builds a house and so on. It is important to have this significant group - in this case, the shortage that formed in childhood is made up for.
I think all of the above applies to women as well.
Author: Ilya Latypov
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: tumbalele.livejournal.com/68665.html
