We are not talking about how in some secondary schools we learn not to be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Of course, there we are taught about biological difference between the sexes, the validity of the marriage. Maybe there was one that was read a few love stories from the 19th century, vague content about how does not need to be. But when it comes to real changes in the basic elements of the relationship, we don't have exact directions... or even worse, we give advice from women's magazines.
Yes, it's a matter of trial and error, something like the road by walking. But if you are like most people, your path will be mostly mistakes.
One aspect of the problem is that a lot of bad habits in relations between people are part of our culture. We all dream of romantic love. You know how she can get giddy and irrational, and how easily it can be destroyed, like an expensive porcelain vase thrown against the wall. Sometimes practicality and calculation can become higher sincere of feelings. Men and women climb the social ladder. Thus, our partners often view each other more as some kind of tangible asset, and not as someone who could provide them with the internal emotional support.
Most of the support literature on the subject, no benefit like it describes a man and woman from different planets or all overly generalized. For most of us, our mom and dad were not the best examples in this regard.
Fortunately, nowadays a lot of psychological research, among couples, preserving a healthy and happy relationship for several decades. And was established some principles that these couples try to avoid. On these principles the majority of people does not know. In fact, some of these principles are radically different from what is considered to be romantic or even normal in a relationship.
Below are the six most common pattern of improper conduct in relations between people. These elements, existing in human relations, a lot of couples believe it is healthy and normal, although in fact they are able to destroy everything you care about.1. Relations in which the account is maintained.
What it is: When the man you're Dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you've ever made in your relationship. If both relate to it, so that their relationship will turn into a "battle of the indicators", when everyone will notice someone who is more screwed up over time.
You behaved like a stallion on the 28th birthday of the Marina, which was back in 2010. And it still can ruin your life. Why? Because not a week goes by that she doesn't remind you about it. Wrong.
Why is it dangerous: because the "battle of the indicators" develops over time, and both will be in joint relationships, to remind each other of past mistakes, while trying to justify their current unrighteous behavior. It is far worse. You will not only not solve the problems of the present but also to fully give to realize his mate the bitterness of past mistakes.
If this continues long enough, eventually, both partners will only lose a lot of energy trying to prove that they compared to their partner less guilty, instead of actually to solve the current problems. People spend their time and energy to be less bad in comparison with your partner, instead try to approach more to each other.
What you should do instead: you need to solve these issues together. If one of you continues to deceive the other, then it's obviously a perennial problem. If she was embarrassed in 2010, and you ignore her now, in 2013, making her life miserable, it has nothing to do with love, and you just need to leave. If you are honest with each other, you need to forget the mistakes of the past and live the present.
You have to admit that choosing your partner, you choose him the way he is, despite his past is not entirely successful actions and deeds. If you do not agree with this, then ultimately, sooner or later you will break up. If you are worried about something a year ago, you need to forget about it.2. The use of hints and other passive aggression.
What it is: This is when instead of openly say your thoughts or declare your desire that your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction so you figured it out yourself. Instead of saying you're really bothered, you find all sorts of petty ways to persuade him to do what you want. And if he does not, you may rightly consider themselves disadvantaged, and then be able to complain about it.
Why it's bad: because it shows that you two are not satisfied with an open and clear communication with each other. In humans, there is no reason to be passive-aggressive if he feels safe to Express his discontent or that something is not quite pleasant, but nevertheless necessary to the discussion, because if it is not to discuss, it can prevent mutual relations. The person will never be the need to Express their desires in the form of "hints" if he will feel that he is not condemned or criticized for being honest.
What you need to do instead of making hints: tell us about your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear to his spouse that he does not have to do what you want, but that you would like to have his support. If your partner loves you, he'll almost always agree to give you what you want.3. Keep a good relationship hostage
What it is: this is when one person has a reason to criticize the other, and he's blackmailing him with it, threatening good relations in General. For example, if someone thought that another partner was with him the cold, and instead of saying "I feel like you sometimes act cold," he said, "I can't date a man who is cold to me".
Why it's bad: it is emotional blackmail and it creates a ton of unnecessary drama. Every minor deviation in the course of the relationship, perceived as a crisis. It is very important in relations between people to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be expressed without threat to themselves relations. Otherwise, people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings, which leads to mistrust and manipulation.
What you need to do instead: it's good when you upset your partner or something you don't like. This suggests that you are a normal person. Understand that to accept man as perfect and love it – it's not the same thing. Someone can be perfect with someone, and not all at once. Someone can be utterly devoted to his partner, but at other times, he may be annoyed or angry about his partner. If two partners are able to receive feedback, and experience criticism in relation to each other, without judgment and blackmail, it will strengthen their commitment to each other in the long run.4. To blame your partner, if you have a bad mood.
What it is: let's say you had a bad day, but your partner is not enough, you can afford and you don't feel his support. She all day talking on the phone with his colleagues. She got distracted when you hugged her. Would you like to just lie at home and watch a movie tonight or go visit your friends. But it is far from you, at least you think so.
So you pounce on your partner, accusing him of insensitivity and callousness toward you. You've had a bad day, and your partner in anything you. Of course, you don't have to ask him about it, and he has to know that you had a bad day and to make you feel better. How is your partner supposed to know about your lousy mood? He had to understand it from your telephone conversation.
Why it's bad: blaming our partners for our bad mood is a subtle form of selfishness. When you create such a precedent that supposedly your partner responsible for how you feel, then later he, too, will develop a equivalent trend. Your partner will not be able to plan their activities without clearing it with you first. Any event in the house, even the mundane such as reading books or watching television – will need to discuss with you, and to achieve this a compromise. If someone starts to get upset, all personal desires into the background, because you have to make the partner feel better. And it's sad.
The biggest problem with this is that resentment of a partner increases more and more. Of course, if it happened once, and my friend is mad at me because she had a shitty day, and I don't pay her enough attention, that's understandable. But if whole life begins to revolve around the wellbeing of your partner, then these relationships will be in the form of manipulation and are very bitter for one of the partners.
What you need to do instead: instead of blaming your partner when you have a bad mood — you need to take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to, and he was responsible for their emotions. There is a subtle but important difference between supporting your partner and for him to be obligated. Any victim should be made as their own conscious choice, and not be considered what is expected of you. Because as soon as both men become guilty of mood your partner, it encourages them to hide their true feelings, and they begin to manipulate each other.5. Jealousy, as an act of love.
What is it: this evil starts when your partner flirts, calls from different unknown people, somewhere, hangs or behaves too relaxed close to another human being. You try to control your anger on your partner, trying to pull myself together, but in the end, driven by bad advice jealousy you start to think irrationally. This often leads to stupid actions, such as hacking email of your partner, viewing his text messages while he is in the shower, or even after that. You begin to appear without warning, when he will not wait, trying to catch him by surprise.
Why it's bad: it surprises me that some people describe it as a kind of expression of love. They believe that if their partner did not show feelings of jealousy, it means that he doesn't like them. Jealousy is not love. Jealousy is jealousy. In the same way you can justify beating by a husband for his wife. So it supposedly shows how much he loves her.
I think this is absolutely ridiculous. It's a pointless control and fighting. Creating unnecessary drama. This makes it clear to your partner that you don't trust him. And frankly, it's humiliating. If my girlfriend doesn't trust me, when I'm in the society of attractive women, it means that she thinks I'm a liar, or she is unable to control their impulses. In any case, I would not want to be in a relationship with a woman.
What you need to do instead: instead of such manifestations of jealousy — you have to trust your partner. It sounds radical, I know. A little jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy, which determines your behavior towards your partner is a sign of worthlessness, your feelings, and you need to learn to deal with it. Because otherwise, eventually, you will push your partner further action.6. Purchases do not solve relationship problems.
What it is: every time there's a major conflict or problems in relationships, instead of trying to solve them, one grabs the other in a rush of feelings and drags for shopping or offers to go somewhere.
My parents were experts at this. And it got them very far in real life, to a complete rupture of relations and divorce after 15 years of marriage. After that they hardly spoke to each other. They both told me separately that this was a major issue in their marriage: to constantly cover up their real problems, some superficial pleasures.
Why it's bad: it not only hides the real problem in the relationship under the rug (where it will always re-enter each time getting worse and worse), but it also sets an unhealthy precedent in the relationship. This is not a problem of gender, but as an example I use the traditional gendered situation. Let's imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend or husband, he solves the problem by buying her something nice or invites her to a restaurant or doing something similar. This not only gives her incentive to be upset about, and without reason, but also gives man, no incentive to take responsibility for the problems in the relationship. And what is the result? It turns out the husband who feels ATM, and are constantly depressed by something wife.
What you should do to avoid it: actually you know how to deal with this problem. If there was broken trust, you need to talk about what you need to do to restore it. If one partner feels ignored or don't understand it, we need to talk about how to restore a sense of gratitude and trust, to try to delve into personal issues of concern to your partner.
There is nothing wrong to do good things after an argument, proving their solidarity and affirming commitment. But you should never use gifts, buy fashionable clothes, trinkets, replacing them is a serious discussion of underlying emotional problems. Gifts and luxury items, the person appreciated, if he gets them, at a time when the rest is all settled and in a relationship all established. If you use them in order to try to hide problems in the relationship, then this couple is in a much worse position and is faced with more serious problems.