Distrustful and closed men — who are they? Bashny.Net

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Distrustful and closed men — who are they?

"He clammed up, can't relax even at home, in the family circle!..." "I often don't know what he's thinking, he does not share with me and doesn't want to talk about your feelings!..." "It's too hard, he didn't trust anyone, even me, I can feel it!..."

You hear this statement often from the women in relation to their men, husbands. Indeed, men more often than women, are closed, hoarding a lot about myself, and rarely show emotion at home – rather yell at subordinates at work or "torn off" with friends at a football game. Distrustful and closed men – what are they? The sources of mistrust are always cruel life lessons.

Alexander, 39 years, successful Manager of a large construction company, father of two children. He didn't come to me, if you hadn't first come to his wife, who was tired to fight about it "wall" — no superfluous words, the reluctance to share experiences, contempt for the "extra" cozy, manner inward, as soon as the problem that needs to talk about feelings with his wife... When he was already seriously frightened as his wife, came for consultation, I learned this. Alexander since the childhood grew in the atmosphere of conflict. Mother and father constantly fought, my grandmother was sorry for him and fussed with his parents, several times in the heat of the argument the father put the mother with Sasha of Sasha cried and begged his father not to kick them out, then grandma "teach" his son and fled the city at night to look for a daughter-in-law and grandson. When little Sasha was trying to share his experiences with his parents, his father often fought, and her mother, exhausted the father's nagging, frustrated at the child... Sasha made for myself a simple conclusion: his feelings are more likely to be targeted than the reason for the close attention he felt rejected and humiliated, not needed, because growing up, I decided that the less know about it, the less reason to hurt him and humiliate. And the older he got, the stronger was his desire from anybody not to depend, and never to reveal his true insides.

Starting to feel a devotee of the child already in the womb. Because the child can be unwanted, "not on time", "not" or "not sex". As a rule, all the people that have later become "closed" and firmly abide by your boundaries, not seeking to reveal the arms and to share your soul, one way or another have passed through this experience. But it's usually just the beginning. Because then the child can result and the constant oppressive control of parents, and perpetual dissatisfaction, combined with constant attempts to correct and alter the child, and sometimes and indifference to his inner experiences. And normal emotional relief, which does sometimes allow adults against children Creek, threat, pulling up, interrupting and refusal to listen, it may be for a child is very traumatic. Interestingly, I described the parent steps inherent in quite ordinary families. Parents can assume that is just the normal process of education. In what then business? The personality of these children.

Our hero, Alexander, is a very versatile man, he has two higher education, in his youth he received a candidate master of sports in chess, now enjoys horseback riding, and when given time, he occasionally takes the sketchbook and leaves to nature. There, amidst the scenery, according to him, it feels real harmony, and his paintings, which hang in the house, be a source of peace and comfort. But in the family and in society, according to his confession, calm to the end he never felt... "To work I am going to war and coming home is sometimes like a war, too, especially the last time," he said, though he said that he loves his wife. But, apparently, can't make her happy.

"Closed" and suspicious people can relate to different personality types, but all of them share several similarities, among which the original delicacy of perception, vulnerability, informal thinking, sometimes – outspoken and clearly expressed reluctance to follow the General stereotypes. And often they – the carriers of very weak intellect and creative spark. Often, these children almost from the cradle become the "black sheep", ask a lot of questions, sensitive to everything. And as a consequence difficult for parents, peers, teachers, and they with ourselves is not easy.

Constantly bumping into the misunderstanding, neglect, resentment and the desire of others to brush them under the common comb, children develop ways of protection. The easiest being keep away. With age it becomes a norm of behavior. Such people may reproach yourself for every accident shown on the emotion, every glimmer of openness, for the slightest step towards this world. Because once they've asked him understanding and tact, attention and care.. But not received. And, barely opening the soul, already afraid of hitting this thin substance.

In principle, all of the above may apply to women, but men have still here's a caveat: society, social norms and attitudes often require from men more discipline, toughness, determination. To require the boy to a child he "was a man", not "wimp out", you start almost from the cradle, not fully realizing that the feelings peculiar to man no less than woman, but can manifest and be expressed differently.

Teach a man to properly Express your feelings is a separate art, but most of the fathers (which would have to educate the boy) – are themselves the victims of a common pattern of parenting in which the feelings of men just suppressed, considered "shameful" and "inappropriate." As a result, the boy teaches himself to secrecy. Fear of judgment, fear of pain, fear of losing their male identity – this is what makes to hide itself behind the fence of silence, excuses and exits from the sorting.

"What are you doing here?" — asked the father of little Sasha when he spent hours after school were sketched on the balcony of a tree branch — "spending time on the daub, you'd better learn the drill in the hands to hold!" Since then, Sasha pictures nobody saw he was sitting after school in the yard, so dad didn't know what he's doing. But the family lied, that plays football with their peers. Friends he was not, but at home no one noticed, and his lies were accepted without question...

Closed people prefer that you first showed him my "stuffing" before he decides to put you in your spiritual house or not. It's like a search warrant before entering the apartment of the President: whether there is at you a gun? Grenades? Not do you hide the poison? If you are trying to get through to this person – you will be politely asked to strip naked – figuratively. Only then incredulous start to calm down. He, as a spy, would prefer to find out all about you, not saying about yourself a word. If you love such a person – it is unlikely that you should be afraid to be open, because such people are not inclined to rudeness, unless you force them. But, as a rule, by nature they are tactful. And will gladly accept your candor. Although for a long time it can be a game of "one-sided" — to be Frank. And he in you will doubt. And if you have no patience – it is better not join this game. It can take only correct and tactful starve. Don't ask, don't push, don't insist. Give freedom and the opportunity to consider yourself. Until it is satisfied your safety, for your own peace of territory – convergence will not.

Remember what led to this state of mind of that person and not repeat the mistakes of his parents – do not try to "adapt" it to common standards, not push the emotion, no control, no alter. And this applies particularly to situations when a distrustful man. In women there is a desire to immediately "warm up" it, to give it everything he has given. And for him this is not the first may be understood as an attempt to "climb into the soul" and to restrict freedom. Therefore, to inflict upon these men all unspent tenderness – suicide. He just turns his back and scared. The main principle – a strict dosing itself, gradual approach and strict control of emotions.

That's exactly what happened with our heroes – Alexander's wife immediately put all my love, attention, care. And he was frightened of it, because in my childhood nobody liked just for something. And in adult life he tried to "recoup" costs, working like crazy and trying to provide for his family and children all the best. Not knowing that nobody exposed him to account, and that need was a simple care and simple tenderness. And even years after marriage, despite the fact that his feelings for his wife had not cooled, and the confidence grew, he never weaned himself waiting for the blow to many times to count, than he can "haunt" revelation... Making a step towards therapy, it gradually began to come back to him – a living, myself feeling, myself, of the normal man, not a superhero who has "no weaknesses", and just a good husband and father. And needless to say that family relationships have improved? published

Author: Anton Nesvitski

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