When we call a spade a spade, it becomes easier to live...
Professor psychologicaland will Bondarenkosergey about men who disappear from relationships without explanation, and trying to understand why love has turned into "project" and love — in managers.
"Talking about their relationship, each of us will reflect only your rolling pins experience, their impressions, and these impressions often can be deceiving, since the picture perception does not match reality itself.We're in the eye of the "blind spot" — when we just don't see the fact that this area gets.
Similarly, in the psyche – we sometimes impossible to make an objective assessment of our relationship, we can't say what happened between us actually. And to understand the intricacies of the relationship not under force, sometimes even a psychologist.The woman assesses the situation, based on their interests, the man – of their own, the observer pursues its own interests.
And strangers look from the side and see the situation as it tells of their own experience. What happens in a couple actually – to better understand a professional psychotherapist. Will share his professional observations over the past year the number of people applying for help to a therapist, just increased in times!
And it's not just my observation, and many of my colleagues. And if before they came mostly from family problems, but more and more those who are concerned about male-female relationships.In the context of "What happened, why he left, didn't call?"
In the first place by the number of requests to the therapist addiction. Women don't want to be dependent on men. The questions "why hasn't he called?" — from this Opera. Women want clarity, they no longer wish to be tormented by uncertainty. If they had agreed to be the host to play a passive role – will come — will come, will call – will not call, today they resent it and annoying.
If in a bad financial situation, women can still close my eyes on the dependence on men – as it was in the 90s, for example, today they have learned to earn, to make decisions and understand that happiness does not matter what your house toilet – gold or porcelain. But it is important to know that the man was honest with you.
This is a trend. Tied affair, the man is caring, develop a normal relationship. And then the man stops them. I often hear from women lately is "men are cheaters". Another thing is that they may be unwitting liars, but women because that does not help?
Subject — "men against time"
In contrast to the "men are forever", they refer to the woman as to the line of his destiny, not as an important and valuable person, and how to.... project. I think, before such was not. A few years ago men were not so themselves – that today was still a good relationship and then it ended without explanation! Of course, I in no case do not want to generalize and claim that twenty years ago men did not disappear "from the air". Disappeared before. However, today there is a clear trend: men of steel differently to perceive relationships with women. They relate to love prudently, thoughtfully, with a cool head.I would venture to generalize: today many men are just as relationship Manager to the project which has a beginning, a climax, a plateau, the end.
No romantic thoughts of "she's mine for life", even "my" is not in sight. He coolly ends the relationship, as the Manager closes the exhaust project.
At least, looks very similar!And it is important to understand here what: in order to prevent self-deprecation, don't start blaming yourself, to find your non-existent defects. The woman is not to blame, believe me.
On the advice of a therapist come of a beautiful woman. Very beautiful. It is quite adequate. And tell that the man didn't want to continue the relationship. Or broke them. When I realized that this is not isolated cases, but a new trend began to ponder what is happening here. And came to the conclusion that this is a typical male way of the response to a large number of single women in our society.Simply put, men are spoiled by the attention and treat the woman not as an individual, but as functions.
This is the first thing that comes to mind. But to think that the whole point of spoiled men, would be too easy. And second, the project attitude to love is the answer of the human psyche in a rapidly-changing scenery of society. Our values are changing too rapidly, so we treat them as values. Once we have already talked about the fact that forty years ago to hit your car – it was a tragedy. The car was very great value, automobile repair shops were few. Today we can easily change one model to another, especially not being attached to my car.
Bummer, isn't it? But the attitude of the person tennisserena. The man refers to the relationship with a woman as a business project: figure out what costs are temporary, emotional and financial need, to get the result, then starts the project, then the result.
I don't mean the result of the fact of physical proximity, though that too. Male under the the result implies emotional closeness, fun. And then decides that the project is closed, it is that women need nothing more. A quirk of consciousness: we think in projects, we are changing gadgets every six months, cars and appliances every few years – and there is a shift, we begin to think that people are quickly and easily replaceable. But loved person is irreplaceable.And to think otherwise is an error of immature consciousness."Man against time" does not perceive the woman as a providential man.
Yes, he likes it, bored, worried, waiting for the meeting – but those feelings are shallow, not as deep as those that a woman experiences. In such a relationship is much more emotional investment puts a woman.
For women love and always will be the absolute value, the key to happiness and life satisfaction. The woman is not able to understand how to treat the relationship as to the project. Although women are sometimes peculiar to the so-called "gadgetname" consciousness. Modern trends are such that people are psychologically perceived as a project and the birth of children, vacation planning, and home purchase... Gazetnoi consciousness necessarily implies the replacement of one project by another. Men are more likely to become victims of gazetnogo of consciousness, because they are closer to the world of technology. I say "victim" because men have this attitude impoverish yourself, Rob. I was thinking about modern writers-men: well, what they can read? Where, in what book can I find such an attitude to the woman, like Hemingway? Like Remarque?When the woman – the line of destiny?
And now – well, met a chick and then another chick... in modern literature no men's faces. Men write about anything – just not about male-female relations. There is this fascinating relationship to woman as a gift. Eternal, archetypal male fear not to cope with a woman. Indeed not, but will have to prove that you really are a: warrior, lover, breadwinner, and master.
Hope and support. Arbiter of, in General. If you forever. And if the "on time" — what are you arbiter of taking strategically important decisions? You're just the Manager situation.
Now the main thing: because the program of this man what? To make a woman happy. So it was in all ages. Our time is no exception. And I think that we will soon parabolam this disease – I mean prudent marketing approach to love. The value of love as part of your fate as karmic beginning – we'll be back.
No matter, married man and woman born, if they had children. We're not discussing economic and medical aspects of the problem, right? We're talking about home, about love. That love was not a project, and the elements, not intended intended, but the meaning of life both. Such relations are part of the destiny you demand the whole depth, and not superficially.
Men forever" is – look around! Sometimes even that and "men against time" becomes "men are forever" — if there's such chemistry between the two that life without this woman, the man cannot imagine.
Right to exist have a different relationship to time, and forever. Nothing wrong with the design there – if both the man and the woman are aware that their romance has certain rules of the game. The problem starts when a woman is set to love as fate, a male, as for the next project.
How to understand this? Intuitively, a woman almost always can feel how her beloved feels about her."The man at the time" like a dumb person – he has given no signals that "you're the one I wanna be with you always."
And in a fateful relationship, the man sends such signals – remember in the movie about Marshal Zhukov: "I want to shut my eyes"? Or: "I suffocate without you". A man who met a woman, nothing can stop. In genuine, authentic relationship does not exist obstacles.
Even if the man is married or the woman is married is also not an obstacle. I have extensive psychotherapy experience, I know what I'm saying. There are a lot of unhealthy marriages, when people live together out of inertia, because "as it happens". And when someone meets a true fatal love, is a real test, a tragic fate and destiny. Well, this, life, marker — "man forever" will come running to the rescue, will rescue a woman, to take care of her, because she is for him the super-value – and in joy and in sorrow. And the "man against time" can invite a woman for a week in Thailand, to relax together, but then not to respond to her request for help. Because assistance beyond the project relationships.
Here's a symptom of the design of relations: while you are together with this man, it's okay. Nice evening, happy weekend, passionate night. And when the man leaves and the woman is left alone, there is an unpleasant aftertaste, anxiety, doubt. She deep down feels that this relationship is "not real". In all of them, as if to say... Right. Gifts are appropriate. The mood right. Kisses fiery. Sex correct. The hands of men not shaking, palms don't sweat. For texts and calls it can answer, can not answer: busy... In General, the man is not ready, as we have said, invest in relationships your emotions, feelings, my life. Woman do not be fooled. Once again I want to emphasize: "man against time" — not a villain, not the villain. And in such a relationship can also be fun. Provided that the woman understands she was invited to the project, and not in life. When we call a spade a spade, becomes live if not easier, then at least easier...
Don't we all discovered that people live in the myth. At the reception after the person comes when the myth is collapsing. Of course, women are to the last protective of their men, justify them, "he's so busy at work", "there is unfavorable circumstances"... Women's "love project" offends and humiliates. But worst of all, they may have a basic distrust of life and when they meet a "man forever," acting on the wrong model, discouraging true love. Allow me to conclude by wishing unwitting participants failed or forced "project of the novel" to gather strength and to treat him as a worldly setting, where it wasn't fun, it was serious, where he lived and obtained very important experience, but with one caveat: the play is not your life and not about you. Your real life is yet to come. She is waiting for you.
Author: Alexander Bondarenko
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©