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No relationship starts with a really clean slate. I wanted to add “except the very first”, but can these children’s snot with a serious face be called a relationship?


We learn from our mistakes. No matter how fiercely I wave the flag of a club of lovers of the same rake, I am no exception. Yes, like many, I approach my mistakes selectively, often with self-confidence refusing to take responsibility for most of them. Whether I like it or not, this process is often unconscious. After a certain number of scandals, resentments and clarifications, who said something wrong to whom (wrongly looked, did not hear, did not understand, did not feel or did not guess at all), you begin to reflexively avoid situations and words that led to another generally fruitless “work on relationships” for two evenings.

Then, when everything falls on the floor again and flies to shards with hundreds of reproaches and streams of unnecessary tears, you spend some time trying to understand what the hell is wrong. Why did all that gentle and romantic, which began so promisingly “for real”, slide to a dull prosaic ending? Again and again, it’s not me, it’s you. But we will still draw conclusions about what should not have been done, and in what cases we could have done otherwise.

Each of us is a collection of our mistakes. Any relationship is not a blank white sheet, but a yellowed piece of paper shredded to a napkin, on which something has been written down many times, and then washed; each new record is an exercise in quirkiness and accuracy. You cannot afford to write the same story again, you cannot repeat sentences and epithets, each subsequent story should avoid the turns that led to a premature, but still the same banal end of the previous iteration.

As a result, we approach new relationships fully prepared for the mistakes of previous relationships. You've changed yourself, even a little bit, by adjusting to the person you're not with anymore.

Girl number 7 didn’t like it when you decided for her where to go and what to do (or not) in the evening. With girl number 8, you put any decision to a vote. Girl number 14 was annoyed by some of your generally innocent but stupid jokes? With girl number 15, you're more serious than ever. Did girl number 23 react badly to your public displays of attention? Fuck it, next time you're gonna be deliberately restrained in public. You know better now, don't you?

But what if girl number 24 is waiting for a public hug and kiss? What if that's what matters to her? Girl number 15 could even appreciate your delusional jokes, and girl number 8 expected your male volitional decisions, without daily muzzling every question. Without realizing it, you made new mistakes by avoiding old ones. Congratulations, you just blew it again.

The reverse, by the way, is also fair. If you blame her for somehow limiting your desires or preferences, the next time you will be deliberately intemperate in such moments, protruding one side or another of your character, as if checking a new serial number for excessive susceptibility. For you, such a limitation of yourself is also a mistake that you will correct through inappropriate inflections. Nobody likes to bend.

Every mistake, every wrong word, or every unguessed wish is another chip on your initially flawless image. While you adjust to a new person, rework your reflexes, experience the notorious stage of rubbing, your beautiful statue crumbles and turns into a formless likeness of you. And you will no longer see the undisturbed and genuinely enthusiastic look with which you were once greeted and escorted. And you'll love her a little less every day. Or not. But she'll definitely love you less.

(And no, I’m not saying that this late work on mistakes is the main problem.) Just one of them. But I am very lazy to paint the entire chain of events that turns at first such innocent small splinters into inflamed purulent abscesses of disappointment. Nothing destroys the fragile union of two people sooner and more surely than disappointment.

Is there anything we can do about this endless cycle? Someone will say, “You just have to be yourself.” I'll leave that stupid phrase for a separate conversation. I’ll just say that just as you can’t know someone (“No one ever knows anyone”), you can’t be yourself. Yes, there is always the option to care about another person, not to reflect his reaction, not to react to resentment, not to try to adjust in some moments. And even there are non-zero chances to meet the one who wants to see such an asshole next to her, and you will get to the point. But what's the point of a relationship if you don't care about the person next to you?

The second option is to find another one, the same as the previous one. Is it true that God does not repeat mistakes? To find another one with the same set of loans ... in and virtues, it must be very hard. And why? If you have just experienced a bitter (or even not very) parting, do you need to repeat all the material that you passed at once?

If you think that some wisdom that has opened up to me will now follow, and that I will now intelligently tell you “how to do it”, I hasten to disappoint. I have no answers. I don't know the winning formula for happiness. As I understand it, it just happens and you can't prepare for the future. We are always ready for the past. But with each new time we are more and more broken inside. published by Daniil Silov P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!

Source: dansilov.livejournal.com/