I got a woman... Bashny.Net

She first came. To visit. Then just come. Then later sat and spent the night. And then never left. Left. In the house there are flowers and vases. I could no longer smoke in the kitchen, because Azalea smoke sadly folded leaves and dropped petals. But to see his face during a morning shave, I had to push aside the bottles and the bottles, filling the once clean shelf in front of the mirror. It is here that the surprises started.

Surprise first.

Condoms, she did not recognize. "I'm with him I feel nothing". Tablets feared. "What are you" well This is hormonal!? Remained of the old biblical way. But worry it was me. I tried. But she always needed to fifteen seconds.





A surprise second.

There were regularly about once a week. I could never be sure who will meet me at the door: blonde, brunette, redhead or red. For a week I hardly got used to the new suit (why not do for his beloved), but that's when my baby decided that this color it is not to face. What color it was before, when I came to visit, I can't remember.

A surprise third.

She didn't understand why the home plate. And really, why? For Breakfast is enough of the kettle. Losing weight by three kilos, I bought her cookbook, but she tripped on the phrase "fry the chicken until half-cooked" because it could not determine when will come this half. The chicken was burnt. I ate dinner at three leaf salad with nonfat yogurt and the next day in the "Children's world" bought "My first cookbook" for girls of primary school age. The evening dinner was served mashed potatoes. With lumps. Then I hope reached into the fridge hoping to find something tasty lying around idle times. In the face of my sweet, I realized that she is ready to give me a kick. For the sake of peace in the family had to go to bed hungry. I began to dream that the stores got the packages with an inscription: "Meal man's. 10 kg". Bought a couple of days full.

A surprise fourth.

About the Laundry, she remembered only when I in the morning before an important meeting and finding that all the shirts are long in the tank for dirty Laundry. To the dismay of the chef had to hide the dirty collar under a sweater with a deaf collar. Buy washing machine did not help. Had to count a pair of socks and shirt and to alert them when stocks came to an end.

A surprise fifth.

Any cold dumped her in bed for at least five days. From unauthorized touching occurred hematoma two weeks. Tucked leg is required to submit the car to the entrance. Required monthly disease spread over time and space: the first week back were aching, the second chest, the third head and the fourth the lower abdomen. The literature on aromatherapy and herbal medicine were bought in the range, second only to astrology. Her dentist changed "nine" to "Passat", and the gynecologist was going to give birth to a second child.

A surprise sixth.

She loved to talk. My participation in this process is not required. Enough ritual, "Good morning, dear", and I could be free for the day. But if I had one night to insert "Come to me", and at night, too.

A surprise seventh.

The sound of his own voice wasn't enough for her. In the kitchen singing to the radio "Ultra" in the room mumbled a TV, while the bedroom has a VCR. And all of this was background music to a two-hour conversation on the phone with a friend during which my happiness had migrated in the apartment with the cordless handset in the hands. And God forbid had to change the channel!

It turned out that this is "Tampax" was developed by the husband of her friend who served in an advertising Agency, and so that's what she needs to look again to tell her my opinion. And she swallowed the TV entirely. An attempt to change the program at least at the time of the advertisement caused her vertigo and migraines at least three days.

A surprise eighth.

My favorite spread through the apartment with the speed of the flood. Any free plane at eye level and above sastavdalas statuettes and candlesticks, a table and a window sill decorated by vases and napkins. My books are fearfully huddled in the far corners.

Any chair and the chair was zaveshivali robes and tights. To sit, to not jump up and scream "get mixed up! I was just petting her!"

I managed only a single chair in front of the TV. And then only because I jealously guarded. A chair in the kitchen had to be replaced with a stool to the back, nothing hung. It was easy to sit using cat, which she picked up on the street on the third day of our lives together.

A surprise ninth.

She faithfully observed the precepts of Lenin: "Socialism is accounting". And let socialism is over, the account and control were constant. Why did you come home from work eight minutes later? Who are you now called? Who did you call? Where are those fifty rubles, I gave the day before yesterday for lunch? And what was the first? And yesterday you said pickle... Where you had lunch?

The tenth surprise.

She was able to spend hours lying in the bathroom. The fridge is empty and rusty from idleness vacuum that does not interfere. Firm "Procter and gamble" has removed us from the list of potential buyers"Comet". But for the consumption of foams, gels, shampoos, conditioners, balms, creams and cosmetic creams our apartment with my cute easily outperformed small European country like Slovenia.

The eleventh surprise.

She always dragged my razors. Yes, she also shaved their hair, and in places where it would not come to mind to any normal person. Yes, and it took her ten minutes as I have in the morning, and two hours, two machines and a bottle of special cream, which is enough money always. Between shaves the hair grow and injected.

The twelfth surprise.

She lived in the memory of a special device that bound each day of the calendar to any event that is in its opinion significant. Remember the day at brother-her school friends who lived in the same yard, I could never. Well at least, has not changed her own birthday. However, unlike years, so every time I got trapped.

The thirteenth surprise.

She didn't even try to plan our budget. Just monthly collected all the money in a pile and spend them on your own. For two weeks we toured the shops of cosmetics and garments, and the remaining two weeks ate mashed potatoes.

The fourteenth surprise.

Eight hours after my Declaration of love came the amnesia, even after eight to depression, even after eight — hysterical. I needed to remind her at least once a day. There was a brief unstable remission.

The surprise of the fifteenth.

Her school taught figures. "Come to two" could mean a range from twelve-thirty to four. Thousand easily turned around and a half, and one cake — not less than three.

Surprise sixteenth. The also taught not all of. She called pliers tweezers, the air eliminator — "the hot one", confused right and left, and attempted to explain on the phone that broke the TV, caused receptionist Atelier mild heart attack.

The surprise of the latter. Usually we understand each other.

This paradox I can't explain!!!! published

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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Source: www.mc.com.ua/article/fun_humor/1622