A memorial service for the illusions or the way you grow

It seems to me, from childhood I have left, but to the destination, "maturity" is not reached. So we live in the bus.

(Elchin Safarli)

Once there was a Princess, and she dreamed that one day will come the handsome Prince who will kiss her... there once was a Prince who dreamed that one day will come a beautiful Princess and kiss him... And these two toads met...

You don't resemble the characters of this anecdote?

Just one?

But remind me of a lot of people who spent a lifetime "in search of"... Who? Of course, a partner who is just for them...

In the childhood little girls dream about noble, blond (options), invincible, handsome man who would save them "from prison" (in the parental home or in a "grey" tedious life), will marry and be taken care of to a (synchronous!) the end of their days... pink girls ' rooms, plush toys and doll houses such dreams seem as real as ever...

Growing up, and having made a couple of mistakes, they begin to dream about "this man", "behind which, as behind a stone wall"...Only that he is in no hurry to find them...

I think it is only girlish dreams? No way. Somewhere along the life of wandering and Great Princes in search of Princesses that they have to save. Only one real girl does not meet the list of demands. All some "ugly" and "bitch"...that is, if you know exactly what the next choice is the perfect partner he needs. After all, the previous was not so, and the two before it, too, and the first 10 were also, somehow, not very...

If you call the object of their search for the Perfect Prince or Princess, they are terribly offended That they are small-that is, to speak to them like that? They are all serious. They are looking for a "soul mate" (you've read Plato?), "soul mate," or a perfectly compatible partner ("dual", for example)... Say, what if to find it (and it is apparently well hidden), you do not need to adapt to each other, all at once, once and for all will be well...

Ah, the fateful meeting with the right person... This dream beckons us from childhood, telling about her fairy tales, she actively "translates" the film industry, literature and word of mouth. Because somewhere, sometime, with someone, that's exactly what happened... the Main thing is to wait and believe. Once we find the perfect person, loneliness, pain and fear will end forever. The right people instantly, we will understand and love you, will always treat us with the utmost respect and sensitivity, it is not necessary to say anything about their desires, he understands everything without words, and whatever we wished, so does he... We can all rely on him, because we were made for each other and all our life was but a preparation for this meeting...

Some of them spend their life in endless waiting or "testing" (but what a fascinating process: "found-lost-found again — and no, wrong again..."). Unless one makes a choice, he lives in a world of endless possibilities, but, in fact, he does not live "is not seen" remains the invisible man.

For example, driving the entirety of the individual partner to implement a single function or prefer to hopelessly fall in love with "unreachable objects": therapists, people married, etc., never hesitating for a real relationship. He lives in the "tower of dreams", not even trying to know how my beloved man fulfills his fantasy about him. The idealization of love, of course, easier... These people are surrounded by visions and dreams, not people...

Others, however, are still obsessed with youth aspire to marriage, longed to join the Union "sanctified heavens," and as soon as find any object(?), then "Kuta it in a blanket of its projections"... and dragged to the altar.

And then, in adulthood, joking that the ring is the first bill between the bride and groom: 0:0, or checks from grenades. That is, the wedding, according to this version is the beginning of the war, in which each spouse will enclose another grenade. Or, alternatively, ring is the shackles and handcuffs... For someone- the one ring, for someone from a pair of bondage.

What do you want? Even in fairy tales after the wedding and it is written: "the End."

But everything is so nicely started...

Bride in airy white dress, touching, serious groom, flowers, wedding waltz, accompanied by the clink of crystal glasses, an embarrassed "Yes" in response to questions about loyalty, engagement ring — symbol of endless love, which has no "beginning or end".

On the day of the wedding, the bride looks at the groom and thinks: "Here come the day of which I dreamed for so long. The most wonderful moment of my life. My fiance is smart, sexy, strong... And why is that people say that marriage is a difficult test? I guess they just don't know how to choose a partner. But I'm sure I chose the right person!".

The groom looks at the bride with pride and thinks: "It's beautiful. I know she understands me, loves and believes in me. It is about a woman I have always dreamed of. Can't understand why other men complain about their wives. My favorite special, not like the others".

At the wedding there are also the parents of the bride and groom. Mothers crying from joy. And maybe not just from joy... Perhaps they remember the days of their weddings — after all, they too looked happy then... Where did everyone go? Their tears is not only a manifestation of joy, but a trace of bitterness, which arises from the loss of hopes and dreams... They pray that their children have all turned out differently...

So why relationship men and women, initially full of bright expectations and promises, gradually turning into a nightmare, become a violent power struggle or turn into cold indifference?

And why we never learn and again and again repeat the same painful scenario?

What destroys relationships?

Among many reasons, one main is trying to compensate in relationships lack of parental love and acceptance. For example, in the absence of one of parents (many are brought up in full families?), when no real idea about the relations between men and women, imagination is limitless, and the partner should fill in everything that is not given, "resolved in space and time" parent, meet all our children's needs... And, perhaps, the parent was, but we never managed a "wait" (?) his love... ("to seek" (?), "deserve" (?))

The problem is that entering into a relationship (including marriage), some of us "forget" to skim from the parents ' family, and unconsciously expect partner "adopted (will adopt) them." And even if parents are hard in any way to blame, for example, the man had the most wonderful mother in the world, who will be able to surpass?

This "chosen one" is usually looking for a woman who is like a mother will do anything not to let him admiring glances. From my friend it will require unconditional love, selflessness and devotion. He was used to that mom (read: woman) always satisfy his needs and desires, anticipate his every whim indulged his every whim... her Whole life was dedicated to the only son.

He got used to the fact that the woman needs to protect him from any negativity and discomfort. He can't stand to wait, do not understand what restrictions and prohibitions. He grew up physically, but psychologically remained at the level of a small child.

And why would his girlfriend be "mothering"? After all, the man is not her child. Besides, she could have the same mental status. She's small, she needs a good, good dad, because in her view, "love" promises her fulfillment of all her dreams.

She doesn't need a second child in the family, she needs someone at any time you can pull the sleeve: "I'm scared (anxious, anxiously)" and in response to hear: "it's All right, baby, I'm with you. All will be well. I'll see...".

One of the classics of family therapy K. Whitacre argued that in the case of marriage, "the correspondence between the partners is absolutely full. It is not only how the couple complement each other now, but also in how each perceives the other from the point of view of their relations.

In choosing a partner based on how it fits to my depression or my sadism, and it is necessary for rocking of the seesaw marriage. You should not believe those who say that married for the sake of career or because they were drunk. The computer in our head with billions of cells selects perfectly suitable yourself another computer, you can connect... Even if "you drunk little boy, and in addition hungry. Married responsible woman, loving and caring. You wonder how it has managed to contact this person?

He's like a four year old with his eternal bottle, and she looks quite grown-up. Stay near them more. It turns out that she is also a girl four years! My mother's four year old daughter, taking care of brother. It remained a feature on all my life, not becoming a person. It is an endless series of roles. He's a kid, it had the function, but not the people! The more you work with the couple, the more I am convinced that the emotional age of husband and wife the same" ("Midnight musings of a family therapist").

You can argue with Whitacre (by the way, who has lived half a century in marriage), good theories of partner selection a lot, but the essence remains the same – sometimes, growing up, "we jump over some stages (of development), — do not forgive us not one step" (F. Nietzsche). Escape from (out of) relationship is just an escape from solving the problems of age. Attempt two children "merge" into one adult to no good does not.

In the fantasy we project that the partner has their own idea about how it should be. We live in hopes. Exactly as long as our Inner Traumatized Child, not begins to demand "their"...

"Each of us has a basket in which we keep the needs that were not satisfied in childhood. As a rule, this basket remains deeply "in the basement" of our soul, and we forget about it. In fact, we can not even guess what exactly is the need.

But the condition of love as if pulling memories from the basket, and with these memories come the forgotten and deferred "deposited" the desire to be loved. And so, unconsciously, we make a small journey to find yourself "in the basement" and start looking for the basket. Having found it, we say:

Well, she (or he) says she loves me. Check it out. Try need number 8 (demand No. 8 is not very big).

Because it is really small the need, our loved one will likely be happy to do it. In the end, and love, isn't it? Then our beloved people, in turn, reaches out to his cart and pulls out one of their own needs. This game can last quite a long time.

What becomes a familiar "path" in the basket, the more we are comfortable and used to the partner, the more confident you grow to our expectations. In the end, because we waited all my life for, that our needs will be met. And then we start to take larger and more important needs; while our partner in response does the same thing. "I absolutely need you to be(‑a) with me all the time" – requires a dependent partner, and independent: "I want you to give () me the space I need, but you must not (‑) to leave or meet someone else".

There comes a time when our Child is in a panic imposes on a person the obligation to fulfil all the needs that did not satisfy parents. Then the difficulties begin. Deep inside we believe that love means satisfaction and the other is supposed to protect us from all our fears and pain. This is love, we think. Two unconscious Child, each with their own fears, needs, demands and expectations, interact with each other, creating hell. These two wounded, needy Child face each other face to face. They are not able to understand or meet the needs of each other. They fit to each other not in vulnerability, and demanding.

What happens next? Fight begins over who in this pair will win back the position of the baby, and some will be imposed on the position of the parent. Often the means of this struggle is the disease: partners compete to see who of them is "more sick", and winner gets a prize — the coveted position of "child-in-family", and the loser – the duties of a parent...

In the struggle for the satisfaction of their needs, we use all "acquired" (developed) a Child by this time... "Strategy is the patterns of behavior they learned our Child in pursuing the unavailable desired. It is our coping mechanisms. This is a model of behaviour that we have learned in the past, but unconsciously applied to the present". (Thomas Trobe).


Consider these policies described by T. Trobe, read more:

Strategy # 1: "Hammer" – the requirement and the prosecution

When we don't get what we want, our Inner Traumatized Child is enraged, blames and demands. He wants to succeed: "I deserve it, I want it now and I don't care about your needs or excuses." His aggression feeds on rage of the Child who was abused, who was ignored, who invaded, who were humiliated or insulted. For the prosecution is the requirement that the other changed immediately.

When we use "Hammer", it causes other retaliatory aggression, they are closed, removed from contact, which in turn, increases our panic of an injured Child and "Hammer" becomes even more intense. Resorting to the "Hammer", we feel some satisfaction because, at least, able to Express themselves with force. But while this energy is used not just to Express, but with the aim of influencing another, it is a strategy.


Strategy # 2: "Bait" – manipulation

Child in panic, living in an adult's body, is very inventive and uses all the possible ways of manipulation. We are manipulated by means of money, love, sex, intelligence, strength, age, guilt, deepening in themselves, recognition or care. We are manipulated, offended, abruptly cutting off contact, or pretending that we don't care or don't need anything. We learn this from childhood, very early learning that honesty and integrity do not help to achieve this.

Unfortunately, over time, our manipulative behavior is unconscious, and we don't recognize it. Others see our tendency to manipulate and move away to protect themselves. Our Child feels even more abandoned and scared.


Strategy # 3: "the Dagger" – the strategy of revenge

When we are hurt, we can react to it immediately. But often we are too shocked, "crushed" and humiliated to respond immediately. And so we put on a mask, which shows that we don't care and defer the offense "in storage". Inside we will not rest until back pain ago. We can retaliate straight, for example, by punishing, sudden alienation, humiliation or sarcasm. We can do this indirectly, organizing something that hurts the other. Payback can take years, but our wounded Child is vindictive as a serpent.

Not always have the opportunity to take revenge directly, and, sometimes, without realizing it, we begin to take revenge on relatives for the wrongs of childhood, they "take the fire" for all our "buried" the wrongs of the past.


Strategy # 4: "an alms Bowl"

When we despair of the inability to love, we abandon any further attempts to preserve the dignity and start to beg... the more we ask for alms, the worse feel. Some of us in the habit of "begging"... In this case, we expect that we will be rejected. Unfortunately, this belief is usually creates the response, which we are afraid. We send down himself to the poor, and because of this, the other repels us... This leads us into even greater despair.


Strategy # 5: "the Overturned bowl for alms" – alienation

When we finally understand that we cannot change another, we feel a deep hopelessness of the situation and go into their "shelter" – a familiar, safe isolated space inside. That's where we retreat when all the strategies fail. We floods the entrance with a big stone and feel that we are lonely. Alienation nothing really solves. We can't live without love. If we give up, it leads us to depression or cynicism. Most of us for some time dwells in alienation, but as our need for love is insuperable, in the end, we leave the shelter and make another attempt. It continues until we again find that we don't get what you want. Then we again resort to the strategies. They do not work. We digress... a Rather joyless manner. And yet we do it because we don't know what else to do...


How to get rid of strategies?

It is extremely difficult to see with your own strategy. We attack the physical, verbal or sexual aggression, but usually do not see that our behavior is supported by fuel resentment for the wounds of the past and panic to get what we desperately need, so believe their behavior is completely justified, and until recently protected its relevance and adequacy.

Try to understand, what's your favorite strategy?

To which you resort when you need to satisfy a particular need? Look carefully: what do you do when something want? What do you do when you don't get what you want? Is it possible some other way to satisfy your needs without resorting to strategies? How?

If we have nothing in his behavior did not change, our needs for love are chronically not being met, and then there are several possible scenarios:


1. The frustration in the partner that did not meet our expectations. Find a more suitable partner.

As soon as difficulties arise and conflicts, illusions are destroyed, and there comes frustration. Then, instead of trying to see what we need to work, we blame "the other" that our expectations are not met. A voice inside us says, "If there is a conflict, it's time to leave. Problems mean that you are incompatible with each other, and you're just not with the right person. To argue, to quarrel and try to solve something – just a waste of time. Solve nothing; it's time to find someone else. Relationships don't have to be difficult or to be a struggle. The right person will meet all our needs."

2. Denial and false self-sufficiency.

Having gone through the experience of frustration in relationships, we conclude: "it is Time to leave hope to meet someone who makes you accept, understand and love. This, it seems, never will be. No one will take care of your needs better than you do yourself. Take sweetiest, because that's life. You can take care of himself. There is nothing that you can't give yourself, and it will protect you from many difficulties. If you're someone else, in the end, will be disappointed and alone again".

What this way of life usually leads? "Avoiding fear to open their needs, we deny that they have any. Living inside the cocoon of images of yourself we all spend on force control. We are proud to call themselves Independent (as if exactly "Antisemitisim"). The fantasy that you can live relying only on myself, we usually "propped up" addictions. For example, we are drawn to continuous operation, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.

The illusion of self-sufficiency keeps us from fear as powerfully as romantic dream. She hides us in isolation, where we never have to acknowledge your fear, or confront him face to face. And as long as we come out of isolation and dare someone to get close, fear arises. The price we pay for this position is the lack of contact with his own vulnerability. But if we don't feel vulnerable in our lives can't be love" (Tobe).

3. Consciousness charges.

The next illusion goes that around always blame the other person. The problem always outside of us: blame the environment or the situation is wrong. Anyway, we can't or don't want to see, what to answer. But the other person or situation – this is just our mirror. In the heat of disappointment or frustration, we almost instinctively move in charge, instead of staying with the pain. Why not? So easy to blame instead of feeling the pain.

Our relationship destroys the inability to pass through trials and difficult periods in life, because many of us live in the illusion that life together is an endless feast, a natural extension of the wedding celebration... "Oh, circling me, circling" thinks the bride, "Oh, kiss me, kiss" — echoed the groom...

That's just inevitably there comes a time when "tarnish" the original love, is the moment of enchantment, and have come down from heaven on the earth... After the honeymoon or "honeymoon period" comes to household life. And life is such a substance, which often crushes under her romantic feelings, leaving you with only boredom and endless fatigue...

And then add to favourites or naive lovers relationships often turn into bitter Epiphany... Partner – Prince charming? Partner – A Beautiful Princess? Whatever, but count Dracula and the Witch want? Even if the first gentility, manners and the castle, in the presence, and with the beauty of a second is difficult to argue.

Awaken by passion, the lovers understand what it means to try to survive next to a man who never grew up and could live "only at the expense of other people's resources, gradually sucking you into the blood and taking the life force"...

Of course, I exaggerate, but approximately so some clients describe their experience of living together, although, of course, the relationship does not have to resemble "survival game"...

Actually, love cannot be saved until we are faced with their fears and start to work with them. Until that time, our love stories are the only way to avoid them. We can carry the burden of all unmet needs, denying them or minimizing, and continue to wait for that one day they will be implemented.

As a rule, the life of each person implies that sooner or later there comes a time when you need to get rid of your childhood fantasies with their "fabulous" (parent figures who will comfort and protect) and go through the 'desert of reality' full of wandering, obstacles, disappointments, loneliness, acquisitions, losses and ordeals. And there is no place to hide in imaginary air locks – we have to look life in the face, and the face is not always friendly. Maybe someone will get lucky and find an oasis, but around it is still the same harsh reality. And here we go through the desert free from the illusions of the lost Paradise of childhood inside, with the deceptive hope of getting away, finally, to happiness, which, as it turns out everyone has their own...

Not everyone can take this path and meet a reliable companion, because life together requires, first and foremost, rejection of fantasies about the perfect "personal Paradise" when you're No. 1 in my life...

As with any loss, parting with childish illusions (of their exclusivity and omnipotence) is the little death... something dies inside you when the loss of naivety and selfishness comes into your life...

"Love is the condition in which you can increasingly be yourself because of another person, too, is himself" (K. Whitacre).

Real intimacy means that partners do not strive to improve each other and learn to endorse and support, trying to get rid of the projections, far-reaching expectations and calculations, and appreciate what is. Real intimacy is to not only rejoice, but also be ready to share the feeling of failure, of fear and hope...

Relationships, and especially "marriage is a long conversation, a dialogue" (Nietzsche). The longer you stay, the more change. In order to be with someone for the sake of something bigger than yourself ...you have to learn, sometimes, to sacrifice personal interests...

There is always a choice. If you're still in search of the perfect partner (-Shi), and years you way over thirty, I think it's time to understand that it's not in men (women) that you meet in life, your expectations, fears and doubts. It's time to understand yourself, and finally realize that each of us has an Inner Traumatized Child (sometimes even a children's garden), but we are not children. We –adults.

It is the child in us all to aspire to something and have not received or defend against perceived threats. Is the child in us feels uncertain, depends on the ratings of other people — and in fact himself does not appreciate. Because he doesn't notice. You don't notice it in myself. Our Child in panic is entirely focused on getting what he (or she) needs. Pain from humiliating treatment in childhood becomes a destructive behavior in adult life, we feel in the depths of the soul lost in this big world, trying to continue to meet the expectations of others. We want to love, to trust, but from time to time be disappointed...

"One of the reasons our "unfortunate" fate is that we have allowed to define what it will be our Injured Inner Child. But, the Child is simply unable to cope with life's difficulties. He often makes us act stupid and ineffective, doomed to exist in the scenario of Losing. So it may be easier and smarter to heal our Inner Child, that he not only prevented, but even helped us on the vital route, which, of course, can be completed without the help of our Child, with cold rationality of the adult or annoying moralizing parent. Here only neither in that, nor in other case, the journey of life will not bring us any joy, for it is our Inner Child..." (Kovalyov).

As long as we cling to a fantasy about meeting a unique choice, we do not have to face disappointment from the fact that we need to work on yourself and grow up. Romantic fantasy protects us from fear because it does not allow us to see and live life for what it is. We rarely realize that our love of drama and chase represent a stampede from themselves. Much of the work to release the fear of growing up is to see this flight, to understand that we have not been living in a situation where nothing can help myself.published

Author: Ulasevich Tina


P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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Source: www.b17.ru/article/14837/


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