Kate Remizov. Pro-life

Kate Remizova was 29 years old. Four and a half of them, she struggled with a serious cancer.

Your thoughts of sickness, death, hope, friendship and love she recorded in her diary that was published in Facebook.

Here are some of her records. It's about life!





5 Jun 2013:...I think about the disease. But it seems is not what is was a year ago.

"There is no spoon!" – I remember a passage from "the Matrix", where the boy is a Buddhist monk bends the spoon look. "Indeed, there is no spoon!" – it seems to me. And I'm not crazy, or at least I think so.

As it turns out just much that before seemed so unattainable... it Turns out that it is easier to be yourself. And this is the most beautiful that can be in man.
It turns out that in order to be happy, no need to be healthy, wealthy and successful. Enough to be with God and love.

Lord! Why is everybody so just seen from the large window, easy to implement at first, but then forgotten in the hustle and bustle of life. It's so easy! "There is no spoon!"

We ourselves and our sin has created a barriers and walls. Yourself hit yourself on the hand and tortured, say "no", think we're doing all this for the happiness of others. And in the end all make miserable. Forgive Me, Lord! But even when your body is tearing pain, very difficult, but you can be happy when our soul to God every minute, every second of your existence.

Of course, it is easy to write about it, when almost nothing hurts. And it's so hard to take a step towards God, when the body pierces the pain. But at any moment of his existence, even when we are bedridden and our body is tearing pain, and around – God forbid, but it happens and there is no sympathy, no engagement, no release; even at this minute we are free and make their own choices, to God we go.

Will I be able to explain to someone? Unlikely.

But still...

What gave me this disease?

Freedom!

July 17, 2013:will Write about the case. While all how to swing. Up and down. It is hard, then let go... the Struggle is felt throughout, including the aspirations, the plans for 90 years, the thought of the impermanence of life. But the General mood is normal, joyful and balanced is your prayer.

I have noticed when I pray, I become calmer and more confident, she can handle all the prayer rule, in any mood, when doing one, power is enough for 2-3 prayer...

14 Oct 2013:...in the Autumn, and so the forces are melting, and the past two years, autumn has become my real problem. Fatigue, low vitality, complex mood... But the more clouds, the brighter seen through them a ray of sunshine, so very colorful on the General background look the moments of genuine joy. For example, we are Andrew and Zachary opened the season on the big bikes... Besides, I go to guitar lessons, but music for me is simply invigorating.

25 January 2014:I am very anxious from the fact that I'm weak, and sad that I had so little.

I'm really scared and not good. I'm tired, want to cry, no matter what there are no forces even to a diary. Thoughts of "will I die?" torment me. I want to cry. Lord, help me unreasonable, do not leave me. Give me strength and wisdom, give me humility. But what I ask You honestly, grant, if it be Your Will, I really want: I really want to be healthy, to live a long, happy and peaceful life with her husband and son. So my whole life was filled with joy and happiness. I want to give my husband more children. And to keep them healthy, happy and lived a long life, like the son that I have.

I wish my house was the abode of joy and happiness, was cozy, so it was all good. Below we have a country house so I planted flowers there, and the children helped me. To have cats and dogs. Our parents were healthy and happy and rejoicing with us. It's probably very much and I know, Lord, that You can...

Today everything was cancelled, and I'm not capable of. I want to cry. I feel Frustration at myself, the Disappointment, the Envy of those who can engage with children and to live a quiet life. I fear...

I'm afraid to be treated. I'm confused, how to live. I'm at a loss. I doubt and don't know what I should change and what not. I'm afraid I don't do that with a child, and I have no way to cook it to school. I feel his Inferiority, Apathy, Depression, Laziness, self-Pity, Despair, Helplessness. Boredom, Hopelessness, Sagnanet, Fatigue, Loneliness, Rejection, Depression...

24 July 2014:Friends, particularly good nothing to write.

The neoplastic process has the localization, what to do something that improves the quality of life, is almost impossible and there is a risk of death on the operating table. Therefore, we again played a game of "see and sew".

I'm very angry at this situation, but not for doctors. Them I'm really sorry. It is difficult for them no less than me. They tried and wanted to do.

What I plan next?

Then I plan to live.

Recover after surgery, do chemo, I will go to sea with your beloved ones. And there will be clear – whether to continue chemo or to act differently.

31 July 2014:there is something... I Remember an episode of some unknown and I remembered of the film. There was some training with people who have lost loved ones. And coach first put the people on a busy street in new York city and set in the middle of the roadway. From all sides came the swearing, car horns, curses. The trainer asked people to remember this condition. Participants wondered if it was broken if the hour of their coach. Then the coach went up with them to some open observation deck to view the city from above...

When we live in our horizontal plane, seen often ugly things are that crazy. But when it is possible to see from above the same, do not suddenly see the chaos of lines and lives, and pattern, pattern, orderliness, and there is no longer this rush, this stench, this confusion, which makes it difficult to see anything. The feeling still happens high in the mountains. When you're so small around of their greatness...

Don't know why I'm writing this, just writing.

2 August 2014:And now for the good! Very good...

I have friends, summer, the sun – and it's great!

August 1. For me it was a special day. The fact that for a long time, even in the winter, I had a dream, or rather only the voice. The voice is absolutely heavenly, which to me in my dreams even became somehow scary, he told me: "Weary traveler, your journey will end in mid-July". Well, all will die, probably thought I was "optimistic". However, a dream come true, although I don't trust dreams. Ended my journey in 3.5 years. My treatment. And throughout life, and I have the feeling that even appear forces, which are not.

Started this beautiful day with my favorite teacher on the guitar picked up, bought and brought me a new Spanish guitar, especially for me (my friends gave me money for more than six months ago on my birthday, and I couldn't buy a new guitar). New guitars are beautiful. Fully meets my needs...

And most importantly – the day my friends gave me a real second birthday with gifts. You probably already saw photos of our group meeting. Novoslobodskaya on the heat before we arrived, of course, broken, but not defeated.
In General everything was very good. Although we talked about funny and sad and complicated. But it is so intelligent and correct...

9 Aug 2014:We all live and all die. Dying of cancer... a disease. I husband always say: know that even if I survive, will live another 90 years, still in the moment I die. It is a process, not the result. And most importantly, that the sickness was not unto death of the soul, and the rest – as God wills. Anyone who lives and dies every moment of his life, but not all about it remember...

23 Sep 2014:...I remember my friend Olga for 1-2 months before her death... She, of course, never ached like I... She sat silently (and then lay) and played "Find the cat" when she was really bad. And of course, here we can say that, they say, it is better to pray... But in fairness it should be noted that austerities are not all ready healthy.

If there was austerity in health, the disease is unlikely to add strength to these exercises... And that Olga was looking for the cats... She, too, prayed, took communion, but in his spare time looking for cats.

It is only because it seems that I will die here, will partake in the bathhouse, and the postman... And everything in life is longer and somewhat differently our ideas.

Then Olga sent me an invitation to search for cats. And I did not refuse, although I don't like multiplayer games... But then, with all my stupidity, it dawned on me THAT it was for her. And I used to play this game, I sent her some bonuses....

When she died, I could no longer use the "Classmates", she was the only one at some point, for whom they existed... And I was the one who could tell something from his "secret" life... I remember one of our dialogue, funny and scary at the same time.

I: Congratulate me, I have sepsis.

She: Ohh! Buddy! I have necrosis in the pelvis.

And you think this conversation about depression? No! It's about friendship, understanding and a bit about humor in spite of everything. A kind of "secret club".

In General, the disease is a very nasty thing...

... Now something has changed... I'm losing myself... All the more it is not me... But powerless response of my body to disease... and I inertia is still moving, but I see that this is largely just inertia and not I... Perhaps this is the beginning of the path when you need to lose yourself in order to gain in another capacity... But now. Now it is difficult. Too physical overcomes over all... Is the least for the relatives. And so scared that it will absorb the disease. "Yes this Cup pass from me..."

When I begin to complain, I say well, of course. You won a parachute jump, and dance, and I do, and it's...

But... you just Need to know me. So close: husband, mother, and now even the doctors... I run and then I fall and die, often abruptly, without a transition. Such is my Constitution.

Still I have often said that, well, no need to explain, to justify. "If you need to explain, don't explain"... But I'm annoying. I've noticed that people often argue simply because they do not understand the motives of each other, or talking about the same thing in different languages.
And I explain. Or after the falling out, trying to get to the essence, to understand the motives of conduct. I'm not afraid to look silly, ridiculous...

...Why do I write? Do I want pity? Pity, probably not. But Empathy and Sympathy – for me this is a very important and largely salutary. And just want to talk. But paper and pen by themselves, no sides...

Now it happens, say that I manipulate the theme of disease and death. But here I do not agree. I do not like to talk about manipulation. I believe that talking about it is appropriate only when the person calmly (this is key word) trying to achieve those or other results of using those or other methods.

I think that Christian – or to see and empathize with the pain of the person, or withdraw and not to condemn. It is clear that it is easier to tell than to do, but For me... illness and death are the realities of my life, whether it is pleasant to me and others or not. I can't not talk about it. I can't shut up. And at the same time, I understand that the feelings of relatives should be spared. Yes, there are psychologists, but sometimes you want not study, but simply the opportunity to speak, to be heard.

I have all the.

4 Oct 2014:Friends, here for a long time did not write, because in terms of health, nothing to boast, did not want to upset and disappoint. But now I have to write. We don't handle themselves and really need Your prayer help.

Here's the situation.

With the month of July I am treated. (I understand that many do not know, those questions that I get asked).

Not treated I not because I was cured, because treatment at this stage is very difficult to read (since during this time there were 13 rounds of chemotherapy, 7 surgeries and radiation).
All measures of the type of chemistry can only halt the growth of the tumor, but not remove it. And infinitely chemistry makes it impossible. My body is already exhausted.

So I live at home without treatment.

Of course, there is pain, the other frightening and painful symptoms, I have trouble sleeping, but obezbolivatmi and consult with your doctor 1st Moscow hospice (July, I have on the account).

Overall, I am very glad that I have this time.
I don't lie in the chemical mist, and communicate with family, friends, realize their dreams...

I live, not survive.

But now I write here as a natural condition worsens.
I beg You pray for me and my family as I can. And (except for prayer of agreement) ask, please get rid of the pain, suffering and trials.
Thank you!

11 Dec 2014:silence in the nature, silence in the soul, silence in the body.

And even it is a pity that I'm at the peak of the pain attack asked Andrew to erase the record of pain and despair. As if you can hide something from God... it would be Better to take my sadness and go to meet Him. I'm coming to you Lord!

31 Dec 2014:29 years... New year in a hospice, I'd like to think that it would be... And even here my tears is safe to pour only in the company of the Holy icons... How much support they felt from Yesterday... there was a feeling that the virgin Mary is crying with me... So bizarre suddenly I saw a drop of wax on my cheek. Had not noticed before. Thank you, Mommy! Mother of all mothers.

... And people... people are tired, they want a holiday and positive. I fell out of that coordinate system, unfortunately, or maybe fortunately.

Letter:"I Know it's silly, but I sometimes think about my funeral.

Although, on the other hand, the more I think about it, the more I remember that I read somewhere that this is the last I'd see of the man in the earthly life. The last Liturgy before the funeral service. So, this is important!

I don't remember what film it is. But somewhere in the middle, actually, of American manufacturing. But there is one point about which I sometimes wonder... When the main character dies (at the end of the movie), her lover and friends make the occasion.

Here, I'd love to the Lord, leaving You with the memory of me, and took away the sadness.
Remember Narnia and Nangijala? They were invented by people! And what's up with God? Can you imagine?"

From the will:"If You're reading my will, it is possible that I have died. Hope I'm not in much pain, but also tortured before death. However, whatever it was, all the will of God. I think it's a good idea to write a will. At least, she comforted me and even encouraged. It's like a kind of bridge between those who have not, and his family and friends. The most important thing! I love you very much!

Friends! Sorry to not mention You by name. The Lord is generous! Gave me so many good and true friends. Thank You for Your help, moral and material! Support and participation!..

They say that the human soul is present at the funeral of his body. So don't be sad! I'm close to time. Maybe somewhere under the ceiling:) And waving your pen :)"

Published by Kate and Andrew Ramishvili.

Produced Tamara Amelina

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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Source: www.pravmir.ru/katya-remizova-40-dney-vechnoy-zhizni/