Katyusha Remizov. About cancer, humility and forgiveness
Katyusha Remizov departed to the Lord at the age of 29, on the night of August 1, 2015 Four years she fought with cancer, survived five surgeries, eight rounds of chemotherapy. She very bravely endured illness, was constantly in communion, in recent months – every day.
Please pray for the repose of the servants of God Catherine! The funeral service will be held at 9.30 am on 3 August, in the temple of all-merciful Saviour.
When the disease has moved into the terminal stage, Katusha decided that it was important to share my experience of adoption and accommodation of illness, to explain the psychological and emotional changes caused by cancer.
Recorded Tamara Amelina:
In the fall of 2014 I came to her house in Ramenskoye, and we talked for a long time, 14 hours a day. Came home from work Katia's husband, Andrew, from kindergarten five year old son Zachary. We are comfortably settled in the living room, drinking tea with Kate cooked Apple strudel and only broke when the window began to dawn. I think someone this story will help make yourself in the disease, and someone just learns how is it to be cancer patients.
What to say– I would most like to talk about the emotional and psychological side of the disease. One of my friend has just started treatment, I see it again and remember how hard it is to understand and accept their illness, life in a frame.
The fact that the disease gives a great experience which I would like to share. Although usually trying to tell you about the cancer – and it becomes a lesson. Or in the history of the disease in the medical sense – enumeration operations, doctors, other details. And I've noticed many times that if a person does not need to know something, he wouldn't hear it. This happened a few times different people in my story just fell asleep, even if you didn't want to sleep! I now often act as help Desk – many people turn when they learn that friends, relatives there is such a diagnosis.
– Ask what to do next?
Yes, that's right. Or pray that I'm called to a sick person and just talk to him. It is not always necessary to explain what to do next, sometimes you just have to listen, to support, to share these difficult emotions. Often a conversation develops.
How it all beganthe First serious signs of the disease, including bleeding, came to me at eighteen. I think that the stress associated with his family moved from Tashkent to Moscow, with the change of climate, with admission to the University were not in vain. I have and during pregnancy were troubling signs. God just kept the baby. Usually people don't want to think any bad thoughts, and I didn't.
When I was 25, I was a nursing mother, Zahara was six years old, I had a stomach ache, began a strange symptoms. I felt caught in some inescapable millstones, and the situation is such that nothing can change. I tried to contact some doctors to do something, and... nothing. That is, the doctors, the ambulance did not come, the relatives do not take the situation seriously.
We sit with my husband, and I said, “You know, Andrew, I have no strength to live. You must understand, this is not a witticism, it's not some kind of manipulation, I tell you honestly: I have no strength to breathe, to walk. I feel that to me it is all given with great effort.”
I even then wrote: if the person you began to complain of fatigue, if he had any unusual symptoms, try to persuade him to go to the doctor. The man himself to help yourself can not, at the moment it is inside of the situation. And this phrase, "the salvation of the drowning is the business of the drowning" is fundamentally wrong. Because the person who is in this situation, can not appreciate it from the outside. It seems to him that he was all right. And if a person is conscientious, then to make things worse he thinks he was to blame.
I went to the district hospital, and everyone thought I had appendicitis. The doctors could not grasp why this girl, the idiot just screams bloody murder. I went to the operating table under all sorts of reassurance to the staff: "you're such a disease". And then the doctors cut me and I see a huge tumor that spread through the abdominal cavity of pus. The doctors were in shock, they came out and told my family, prepare for the worst, most likely, will soon die, she has cancer...
And here in all this trashaway situation I go to the hospital, trying to interact with the world and understand that I have a real Afghan syndrome, when there is peace, and I have, and I feel like I'm behind glass, separately. I don't understand at all what is happening, why people enjoy life when there is such pain and such terror.
I ran into a friend at the store and she asks me: “How are you?” such a duty question, and I'm trying to say is that things are bad, and she said, “Peritonitis? My mom had peritonitis, nothing, nothing.” And everything is so responsive. You're in isolation because I can't stand this pain to pour and measure from this pain no one can not understand.
And then I met a friend who lost her husband. We met her views, and I see that I understand. People who had experience of severe pain will never pass by another person with the pain. And now I already have a pretty large group of people with whom we communicate, and we do not need each other to explain anything, long words are not necessary. It's like a pass into a secret club, allows us to understand each other without words.
Treatment. Doctors. Angels– About Kashirku say: "All good there – and equipment and staff. They have one problem – the patients." So a hundred percent. You know, like dirge: people faint in the queue, go to the last, their circles of hell hold many, many times. Many people there are cruel natural selection and don't fall for surgery or for medical treatment. There is such a system that a person can sit at the office, and the doctor (they have entrance from the corridor and exit on the other side has long gone and went-went-went... And the patient sits and will sit still for a whole year.
Nowhere else had ever seen. When I came to your Institute of roentgenology and radiology, I thought it was Paradise. Andrew at the first meeting the surgeon says: "I am ready to give you any money". And the surgeon him: "are You crazy? You have a wife dies, and you are some kind of wasting time. Let's quickly here. And if need be, we will operate tomorrow".
I'm home dying, I have a very long mocked on Kashirke. I was expecting the worst, you know? I was in the medical Department at the cancer center, some creepy floor, looked at it and thought: perhaps the people here just from the Windows of whitefish.
– Like everything else in Germany!
– I understand that I hurt? We have the same thing and in European clinics here at the Institute. No one believes me. Everyone says, "what, are you in Russia? Yes, you're lying!". We were sent to different European clinics documents, and all we were told that me our doctors treat absolutely correct. The only problem in Russia is that there is rehabilitation.
After the fifth surgery, she went immediately after the fourth, I couldn't Wake up from pain, there was some fog. I hear voices and I can't open my eyes. In intensive care angels work, which is important to you woke up. I seems to be awake but unable to open his eyes, hear only their moans.
I came to the anesthesiologist and said, "Kate, now you have to bend, I'm going to put an epidural, you have patience, my dear, I will make sure you will not be hurt". I immediately easier. But due to the stomach tube in the nose I can't breathe, I suffer terribly, my doctor said, "You're my sunshine, my joy, well, wait a little bit." I'm starting it all himself gently out. I have tears, snot, drool. "Sorry, sweetheart, without this in any way". I have vomiting. He tolerates it, stroking me on the head and says, "How are you, my poor, have suffered".
I have a week did not work colon. But if the colon will not start, then sew up his mouth, live without food. Paralysis of the intestine, and it is death. The doctor tries to persuade me: "Katya, it is necessary to drink mineral oil". Not just mineral oil, but with the most bitter bitterness in the world – magnesia. And drinking should not a spoon, and a big old takanishi. I look into his honest honest eyes and say, "Doctor, for you – anything! To your health!" And drank it in one gulp! And he said, "Well, strong mother!"
This is another level of relations. This doctor saved me once, twice, three time. I smear snot, "All will not be treated ever! Fuck you all! I'll kill all your staffroom!" And he settles it. Configures. Tempt.
He called my husband and said, "All right. A miracle happened". Said, although they are the people not believers.
When I came out of the Institute of roentgenology and radiology, was thinking how to thank the doctors? Money can not give, well, gave a "bouquet" of fruit, ice cream, watermelon. And the anesthesiologist I had a letter. I wrote that "someday I'll write a book about you, because you're not human, you are angels! Yeah, angels don't need to say that they are angels, but I can't say...". Resuscitation is difficult and thankless job. They are rarely thanked. Someone remembers, someone was unconscious.
And then had a relapse. Eye surgeon can't see the smallest. Chemistry I is well tolerated, and the radiation through the stump-deck. There are cases that the irradiation leads to a regress.
How difficult is it to keep the "visibility"is a Very difficult and painful to realize that at some point broke down your "self" that sometimes literally at the drop of a "Chihuahua" to ask for someone help...
Healthy person can largely rely on themselves, and can control myself, can create a certain image, can do good things with anybody not to quarrel. Can long to create such visibility. But when sick, this whole "self" dramatically collapses.
But now a particularly difficult time. I have a character that I'm good to meet new people, feel free. But we recently went to a friend's house, and I realized that now I am in a kind of passion. On the one hand, even in illness, I have learned to maintain the appearance that all is well. I laugh, smile, happy, but with me now, despite medication, there is always pain. I have this feature, than I worse, the more fiercely I laugh and joke. Now often realize that I am not aware of their actions, there are no brakes.
There was a time when I asked my friends spoiled me a disease. Very daunting experience! A lot had to hear to your account.
Started with some close people told me that the illness changed me in the best direction. These statements friends was a time, I took them. Of course, it wasn't easy, I cried a month, then closed many of its records on social networks, some time at all it was hard to communicate with people. My husband said, "You asked for it people essay on the subject." It's true, I asked for it.
It was a moment very complex, with two friends I've even soured relations, because they told me honestly what they think. My priest on this occasion said: "Hold on these people."
He told me, "you talk a lot all sorts of unctuous things, but there are few people who will tell you the truth." Now I'm a little thawed, I realized that you can Express yourself differently and still continue to chat
When you ask about the bread, need your pride to overcome, to endure and to wait. And in some moments already starts the mischief. I have ideas always a lot, I gush and start talking: "And now we all together will do something...". I'm starting to decide for others is such a good trap disease. My family about it started me to make. And the priest said to me: "Katya, everything. Take himself in hand. Or you do it yourself, or you just put up – put down ideas, for example... it is Clear that the glass of water you asked. But for some pampering cut, not strain and decide for others". For me it was very valuable advice.
By the way, on the boards. To me they were so much to give! All – strangers, acquaintances – write completely different. Someone begins to reproach me, saying that I know why I am sick I suggest in the spirit of "Yes, no offense to anybody, I'm not offended and I have everything right. Like you are to blame for his illness. I at some point said about this priest, and he said: "the Lord is with you, Yes you, Katyusha..."
At first I was annoyed from the tips for treatment of cancer, the systems are different, formal, informal. And at some point hit me on the head – but because people want to help me! No matter what they suggest, the initial impulse is to help me.
About humility– all these daily discoveries from the "despicable me". Now I often see manifestations of his bad traits, but nothing can do about it, lacking the power to control, and all the most unpleasant aspects of nature are revealed. And when you make comments, it hurts, because even the nastiest person you want to get a hug-sorry...
I thought that during the illness, I learned something. But it takes some time, and realize that not only haven't learned anything, and all this time stood on the site. I have even in the diaries there are entries: "I finally learned not to ask too many questions of the doctors." In a year marked on top: "never learned it seemed".
And I understand that the best that I can sometimes do is try to keep silent. Sometimes in this situation helps only thoughts of humility. I think I asked about it – so please, humble yourself with! At some point I began to be afraid to ask for humility, as I realized that to him, probably will through the pain. And I'm afraid of the pain. But now I realize that it hurts, but fear is somehow gone...
The most difficult is when the praise. Especially if it is: "Oh, you Martyr our, Oh, we almost are praying for you." It is very hard: first, I seriously understand the truth of what is happening, people are trying to imagine something to conjecture. In some moments, I don't think people always write sincerely. Maybe they want to cheer, regret... Sometimes some seemingly good word, it is very difficult to accept.
In sickness very much routine, the grey, nothing outstanding days, they are wrong to hear praise. But on the other hand, there are situations when very lonely, really alone, to the point that even relatives are not around, they need to rest. To live with a sick person is very hard.
How to treat this subject – do not understand. We even joke. For example, can Andrew say when he won't answer the phone immediately: "If you will be late for my funeral, don't get upset, but then give a three-day weekend". People, even my godfather in horror, saying: "Kate, I shouldn't make jokes". But I normally perceives. The theme of death or very serious, or joking. Another option – no way. Just never speak of it again.
Testament– I read the transcript of lectures of father Daniil Sysoev “instructions for the immortal”. And there he says what you should think the man who knows he will soon die. For me this book helped to sort out.
– There are tips there?
– Yes, there is right instruction. A year ago, I wrote a letter to his family, friends, everyone for kind words, mentally said my goodbyes. And I had a General confession, a very detailed, very serious, the priest said, “now I myself will think long, because I have such a long time did not have to disassemble on the shelves.” I do love to clean, and from this conversation I was left with the feeling of a clean room. I didn't want this feeling to lose, it seemed to me then that I was about to die.
And then I turn on the computer and see that there is a message about the death of Anatoly Danilov. And I have at this moment happens to be hysterical...
It is clear that I always think about death, but the last time I was preparing for death purposefully wrote some of the will. And there went the man who yesterday got a like. I didn't even know that Anatoly reads the group about the help me on Facebook. "Pravmir" published my letter on the forum, Anatoly wrote: "It is our very good member, need help." I think some nevezuchiy man! And then BAM! I stupidly write some wills, and then the person did not know, do not guess: he has a small child, a wife... For me it was a personal blow. I was praying a lot the first 40 days...
To forgiveI think that cancer can manifest resentment, mistrust, absolute and total dislike to him. I was tempted to make claims to their parents. Psychologists read a lot, I think, in all their fault, and suddenly this thought: "Stop! I am 25 years old and I'm trying to blame my mom that I now bad? Is that even OK?!"
I had a reassessment of relations with relatives, and very serious. I took off the rose-colored glasses about the fact that I do now will help, all huddled. Because at any moment can be a situation that to help some will not. Any person may not be able to, can betray, but it's not because he's a bastard, but because he's just a man.
And I realized how hard my family, especially my parents. I thought so: Andrew, a grown man will survive, but somehow cope with this situation. Zahara will be very hard, so Andrew it is necessary to ask first of all, that he was thinking about the male. About my parents also thought that adults somehow need to survive. Of course, I saw my mother hard in some moments, but still the situation was clearly underestimated. Putting yourself in the place of parents, I understand how hard it is, and fell into such horror! I'm a mom!
It was not easy to forgive yourself. It happened in intensive care, I had a strange aspiration, I feel like before the start was. Remember how I imported in the Elevator, I look in the mirror and looking at me is absolutely not my eyes, some strangers, very intense... looking right into me. I see myself as if from outside, and hear the voice inside: I just...
About helpIf you ask for help, you should be ready that it will be difficult. Maybe help will not be what you expect initially. And people are not as you imagined. But in any case, everyone will need to say "thank you".
I did not write on Facebook "don't pray for my health." If the health be it will without those words. But I realized that I was reaching the point of no return. I ask you to pray for deliverance from pain and suffering, to avoid the ordeal.