Midlife crisis — the ass-kicking to a new life

In 38 years I left home. To the Pope. Leaving the two children with her husband. If I hadn't gone, I would kill someone. Most likely, Dima, son. He was the thirteenth year, and it was unbearable.

I have absolutely no contact with him, and I was discouraged to such an extent that I lost the ability to move on with your life. I did everything right, like my mom. I fed him, watered-wore-cared for. But I have not seen, not heard, not eating my lovely meat dishes wasn't washed and ironed my clothes, and went all dirty and crumpled, embarrassing me, kept me close to me and not even talking to me. His room was littered with clothes, things covered with dust, he went for it.

I thought this chaos was created specifically so I could not even step over the threshold. So he denied me. I was a nobody. It's even worse. I was a model of what he would become for anything in the world. He called me bad words – robot, bent on the money and even trupoedy (because I ate meat). Everything I was proud of, everything I thought were my achievements — my Mimosine education, four languages, leadership position and high salary — all of which he washed in the dust of his condemnation and denial. I as a mother and as a person did not have for him any value.

And the husband did not respond, did not protect me. I was beside myself with resentment and indignation. I would have killed Dima first, and then husband. I was lost and demoralized. I had no levers of influence and control. I could not cope with their unbearable feelings and samostroya himself as the most dangerous and unpredictable (and useless) part of the system — ran to dad. Full grief.

I described my situation as an example of how usually begins a midlife crisis:

— You face an important task which is not solved by any of the known ways. Without solving it, you can't move on. Lifestyle first becomes uncomfortable, requires large investments of energy, and then completely impossible. Old skills no longer work, and new skills there.

— In your life can sometimes be an event that causes strong emotional distress: the greater loss of property or loved ones, serious illness, an incredible force majeure destroying your well-built plans;

— Dramatically changing the immediate environment of someone very important to you leaves and someone comes.


Dad I lived for four long days. I thought a lot. And I realized that my son is right. I really can not stand. Who I am in my 38 years? I did a career? I have created some masterpiece? I'm happy as a woman in the family and relationships? At least I just get pleasure from life? No.

In my youth I abandoned my dreams of becoming an artist. Mom threatened me that “all artists are poor and drunks”. I, in her opinion, needed the money profession. I joined the University and became an economist-foreign Affairs specialist. By the time his escape from the family, I spent 14 years in auditing. First in a major international firm. Work there was hard. Irregular working hours. The killer for me, Chaotica and irrationals, deadlines. And the most unbearable — corporate culture where individuality is erased, the person is evaluated only on economic result. “Not shmogla”. After 6 years through “not” and “do not want”, left to float freely. First, an individual auditor, and then my small company was created with a staff of five people. Became easier, I am my own boss, have more freedom. Although it was showing signs of the impending economic crisis. After a year, my firm will go bankrupt.

So, in 38 years I have reduced my life balance. All my life I vpahivat, Papa Carlo, and nothing worked. No more flats, no garden, not even a machine. In the family, I like Cinderella, the last man — me no love and no respect, nobody wants me. A lot of talent, but buried in the ground. No dreams sold. Assets tend to zero. Look at the liabilities: fatigue, depression, illness, debt. The balance goes negative. There is something desperate.

It is unlikely that your emotional and physical state ever was or will be worse than in early mid-life crisis:

— You're dead tired, you have little energy.

— You have a deep awareness about my life, mostly very sad. Are you frustrated. Consider yourself a loser.

— You have a strange new state, bodily sensations, thoughts. Suddenly come back the same and unrealized dreams. Something not yet formed, settles in your soul that stirs and wants to come out, and you don't understand what it is and what form it materialize. You want to throw all the old, and something new to start. But you can't decide either the one or the other.

— You are confused and don't know where to go. Are you anxious, unstable, like limbo. You feel like a toy of fate.


Fate plays a man, and man plays the trumpet

In a sense, the world really plays with you. You watched the movie “Dogma”? How long were you not in accord with their deepest values and did not implement their own life plan. Therefore, regardless of how successful you are, implemented, and rich from the point of view of society, the world, tired to send you subtle signs and signals gives you the ass-kicking, not to notice which is impossible. He pinned you to the wall, forced to face the truth of life in the eye, draws you into its transformational grinder, and you now choose to live in a new true identity or to die completely old.

And yet I was tormented by dreams. I dreamed that I humped a midget, who earns a living by Ironing business suits rich businessmen. Once a dwarf of his most important client killed...

Most of the stories of downshifters happen in the period of mid-life crisis. People disillusioned with the social and material values, throws a good position, and sometimes family, and went to live to the country, to the warm sea, in the woods, in a cave, away from the hustle and bustle. To this period also belong the numerous stories of drastic change of profession. And, tellingly, the old profession, as a rule, monetary and related to the business and a new profession is associated with creativity and often not monetary. There is a reassessment of life values, more precisely, the change of values of the Ego to the deeper values of the Self.

This is because under the influence of fatigue and mental exhaustion, and sometimes strong emotional turmoil, control of the Ego is destroyed or weakened. From the unconscious begins to break through the signals of the Self that previously you couldn't hear because you were too busy with their social development. The self makes your core values to the surface of awareness. When you have realized, to dismiss them is impossible. You will have to start to implement them.

Shortly before my son went to a shrink, I made it. He bad understood what was happening, because he once told me that psychoanalysis will not go. "I have myself no problem. Have you got a problem with me. You go to therapy". Four days of isolation and reflection, I realized that I'm stuck itself to get out of it I can't, I needed help. And remembered that he had asked the analyst of the son, "just in case" recommend me a specialist for yourself. I found a piece of paper with a telephone and dialed a number. I think this decision was dictated by the voice of the Self, because it began with my salvation.

Three years of Jungian analysis, 150 hours of sessions, several hundreds of analyzed dreams, insights, awareness. I finally began to get acquainted with you.

The flame from the young days, TASA, lived in my breast

If you always solve their social problems and lived for others, midlife crisis gives you the chance to start new lives based on their deepest needs, your true self But to hear those needs?

Be present here and now. This means that you are drained of energy into worrying about the past and anxiety about the future and are doing everything they can to keep you well here and now. Because the past cannot be changed, and the future happiness you can generate the right action here and now. It also means to be attentive, observant, sentient and open to the experience of the present moment.

Then I realized that with all external well-being, my job was a little difficult. To be honest, I hated her. I love and know how to create a new, but the need to support the old is killing me. I can't stand tight deadlines. Not once in the last day an hour before closing I ran into some Pension Fund papers, diskettes, and with tears in his eyes, whispering: “hate, Hate”. I also was hard to control people, so I was an ineffective leader. I can't stand the tension that the control creates in my body. All day I sat on unloved work, and at night obsessed with drawing and writing stories. In the table. I realized how much my work is for me devoid of value and meaning. And began to look for such activities, which to me makes eminent sense.

To be with emptiness and silence inside. Sometimes, the crisis is first you down to zero. Everything old is destroyed, and inside — the emptiness and silence. They should not be afraid. Take them and stay with them as long as necessary. Be conscious, try not to go back to that lifestyle, which you have already refused. You will help with meditation and sleep. Over time, in the silence and emptiness appears the momentum for something new.

In 2009, in a crisis, my audit company went bankrupt. I had to fire all the employees and resign. In a situation of very severe stress, I had a dream:

“We evicted from office in an adjacent building. There is a house of creativity. I laid out all the paper on the balcony on the table. I have a whole bunch, I don't know what to grab at the head of the mental confusion. Drop the first big drops of rain. I frantically begin to gather the paper, it doesn't get wet. Here comes some salesman and puts on the table before me the book — a stack of three white-blue volumes. What he offers, but I don't even understand that. My head is crammed with their problems. I mumble something inaudible: “I have to do.” “You need anything?” dealer gets upset.

Open the door into the corridor. There is a children's holiday, noisy children in costumes, their teachers, sing and play. I feel glad to have in my life such simple joy children's events”.

Creativity, children, books — here they are hints of the Self that begin to swim out of the depths of my unconscious, when destroyed the control of the Ego.

To gather your resources.

Remember your first client. In 43 years of her life was shattered: her husband left her for another woman and took ten year old son with me, she lost her job, she had a drinking problem, insomnia. She told me about their sorrows, and I looked at her situation as if from above, and, you know, jealous. The former husband pay her maintenance, the rent and gave some more money on entertainment.

She was alone in a large two — bedroom apartment- no husband, no children. A lot of freedom and space for creativity. And I realized that this situation was created to make it half his life serving his family and did not have their own interests, turned to face him and started to live my own life. Resources she had plenty of: land, time, energy, no need to think about their daily bread. Do not want.

And what I then had the resources? Basically, it was my abilities and talents. I learn quickly, easily grasp and implement new in the experience. I have a rich imagination and development of artistic imagination. I'm good at drawing, writing, something carved by the hands, sew, knit. I have a well developed logical and analytical skills. I mean, I equally well employ as abstract-logical and non-linear, creative thinking.

And most important my asset, perhaps, was the INTENTION to change your life for the better. I had no way back. 2-3 years of psychoanalysis, I found new resources: understanding who I am and internal stability. Since I trust myself and do only what I want and love, no matter what disasters raged around.

The crisis takes something, but something new and gives. Look around, what you have resources: a spare room in the apartment, time, health, passive income, new friends, free features, funny sayings of your children, nature, weather. In fact, everything can be a resource. Even desire is a resource. Even your dream. Resources within you, around you and beneath your feet. They need only to see.

Catch the subtle signals of the unconscious.

Pay attention to any detail: what engages you, makes you happy or upset that I want to change that care? Notice the “flirting” of reality and try to deploy the messages that they contain. Write down your dreams and give energy from their eye-catching images. If my client is dreaming of something inspiring in the dream, I help them turn this dream into reality and realize this image.

I know many people who have found myself using the hint of dreams. They write poetry and prose, singing on stage, draw pictures, wondering on the Tarot, write music, because once they saw it in a dream. You will help exercise to clean the channels of perception and a diary of observations and dreams.

Now my dream journal includes more than 1000 dreams. I dreamed dreams about different parts of my Self. Here, for example, a dream which I interpreted as a message that I need to go into psychotherapy.

“To me runs up to the altar boy and whispers in his ear says that the Church across the road to the father so-and-so opened up the doctor. Just need to know children's characteristics. I ask: “Children should be treated?” In a dream I feel like a doctor but not a child. He says, “No, adult, but with fine mental organization.” And then I think I can handle it. My clients are adults. But all of our trauma from childhood.

To do what you like.

Try to do only what you are doing at least with acceptance, love, and quite well, if with enthusiasm. Don't do what resists your soul. A friend of mine, a single mother, a lot of hard worked tax expert in large retail holding. Six months ago she found out he had cancer. It's like she woke up from its lethargic condition, she suddenly felt that hates his job, wants to be creative and find a life partner. Now she enjoys painting and attends trainings on male-female relations.

When I do something with love and enthusiasm, I attract people, infect them with my ideas. We start something together, and the energy invested by us in common cause, is magnified, there is synergy. Most revealing for me in this plan was kinotherapeutic project “Procedure Kino”.

Three years ago, I came up with the idea of making a conceptual movie, a Comedy in which the plot was based on the principles of procedural worldview. I was so excited that in two or three days attracted about 100 people, for a month we have written the script and for the year shot 60 percent material. All this for a budget not more than 15 thousand rubles.

We could enter the Guinness book of records as the cheapest movie. In the case of this project, I realized how much we have creative and talented people who are just waiting for permission to create. May we not brought the project to the final result, but everyone got their own result. Many participants in our project have mastered a new profession — writer, cameraman, actor. Someone began to write poetry and music, someone is singing now on stage.

To obey the impulses of the body.

Usually signals the Ego is the thoughts that arise in the mind. The self same signals through the body, from the depths, from the belly. I often ask my clients and friends what they perceive as hints of the true self, which point them the direction of development. I was told about the mental thrill, the excitement, which feels like ekane, rocking, light, vibration or strong shaking in the chest, the abdomen, or throughout the body. Or what in his chest like a galloping herd of horses. Or tossing and turning like a small furry animal. Some say that they are “pushing”, pushing from the inside, and it is impossible not to produce, tear. Find your own bodily alarm, “I need to go. I can't do” follow him. The mind can deceive, the body never.

I'm getting vibration in the legs, as if under my feet the earth trembles. I call this feeling “tremors,” as if it is an elephant. This animal is for me a symbol of my creative power. I always follow this “trembling earth”, and my life unfolds in grandiose projects in the most magical way.

Trust yourself.

Don't be afraid to try different, if you feel the underlying pulse. One of my friends had never painted. But suddenly she had a burning desire to participate in a themed art competition. She painted her first picture, and took with her 2nd place-won a free training course on existential psychology. There's no telling how things will unfold this momentum. Perhaps she will find in existential psychology its purpose. Trust your inspiration and follow your intention.

To realize their dreams.

In childhood we are dependent on parents. They may not buy a dog (“all the Wallpaper ripped off”) or refuse to pay for music lessons (“but where do you play that crap”). The advantage of adulthood is that you can, without asking permission from anyone, to realize their dreams. Start simple. Want to draw — sign up in art school, want to write — get involved as I am now, in the writing marathon. Try and not worry about mistakes. You already know how your feels, true, you will not pass.

I began to realize their dreams for 38 years and have since received three diploma — psychologist, artist and costume designer. Mastered several additional specialties and areas in psychology. In practice, tried a few creative professions — Director, screenwriter, journalist, writer, puppet master. I participate in exhibitions, publish, make movies, conduct therapeutic groups, counseling, interpret dreams. It is pure happiness to do what you love, especially if it works out, especially when it is popular and profitable.


I purpose one — pass in the native country — was in the shower


The person who radically changes his life, there are many external and internal obstacles. The world will test you strength to strengthen your intention, if it is true, or to destroy, if it is false, from the Ego.

The resistance of the medium.

Your environment will resist your changes. Especially is painful and sad when the closest family members, do not understand and condemn you. Of course, all outraged. After all, they too will have to change. Stand your ground. The family system needs to be rebuilt, and there is now more space for your deepest needs and interests.

In 40 years I decided to change the profession, I retired from the audit and became a psychologist. My decision caused a wave of indignation in my family. And the husband and children was against, condemned, criticized and even ridiculed me. Of course, because I left a job where you has already reached a very high professional level and status, I gave up on good earnings and went nowhere where there was for me a lot of sense, but at that time there was not a single customer. My husband used that I'm the primary breadwinner and provide for his family financially, so he may not bother. Children learned that they have nothing to refuse. And then suddenly mom got mad and quit. All were frightened and tried to back off. In its decision I completely shook up the family system, and very happy. Now I'm not a slave of the family, and a happy person.

Some of your old and good friends will cease to understand you, you could lose it all. But other people will come, new, like-minded people, they will support you and help.

You may face the condemnation of society. The main thing for you should be, not the opinions of others and your own. If you are sure that are going in the right direction for themselves, not turn.

The new environment that you just want to get to take its rightful place, also can resist. Already there are leaders who do not want strong competitors. But you are an intelligent and creative man who knows what he wants. Over time, you will find the solution to how to position ourselves in the new environment. If your purpose is really to be there, you will find a niche, create original product and the world will appreciate it.

My first individual niche in a dream. When I went to therapy, I was surprised to find that since childhood I'm interested in dreams. I even already had the concept in their interpretation. Over the last nine years has studied and tested many different ways to work with dream, from analysis to work with the body, leading thematic groups and workshops.

The cash deficit.

If you have by mid-life no sources of passive income, the crisis may create a financial deficit. Will have to tighten their belt and survive the hard times. Amazing discoveries happen during this period. It turns out that there are many cheap or free ways to get goods and services. There are discounts, incentives, subsidies, social security cards, suspended coffee, free meals and special shelves with products, shops second-hand, distribution of clothing and basic necessities. Crisis teaches you how to manage money, it turns out, we need them not so much. And certainly, do not need so many things.

A cash shortage forced me to reconsider their monetary habits, to give up everything superfluous, to stop wasting, to give a second life to things, to do a lot with their hands, to educate children and lots more. In the most critical situations I saved my old skills — I took audit or accounting part time. My lifestyle has not changed: I eat well, dress fashionably, travel a lot, provide for their children. But all this costs me is now much cheaper. The only expense that has increased dramatically is education and development. I always willing to spend money.

When you have found something new about themselves and start thinking about money. How a new identity to integrate again into society and earn a decent pay for your own product. Because to be yourself at the expense of others is immature and childish. A creative person can creative approach to the question of their financial security.

Fears and internal criticism.

These obstacles only seem harmless. Actually, the fears and criticism – the main obstacle to start living a new way, consciously. Fears and criticism at everyone, so I'm not going to consider them in detail. You may need to enlist the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist to deal with them.


I love you, life!


Crisis may last from several months to several years. No need to compare yourself with anyone, only with yourself in the past. One day you'll look back and realize how much you have changed and how your life now is qualitatively different from the previous ones. You do what you love and get pleasure, and money. Your lifestyle and your environment you are completely satisfied. You live an interesting life full of events. You are healthy and look beautiful and young. You are happy and in constant motion. And you're like a bad dream recall still tired and burned out themselves working in the office, at someone else's uncle, from start to finish, without weekends and holidays. At least with me that is what happened.

Ah, Yes. You might want to ask about my son? What we have now a relationship with him? He grew up a student at MSU in the Department of physics. He is very intelligent, passed the internal entrance exam for physics 100 points! We're friends now. I love to talk to him and even to ask for advice. And I'm very proud of him, despite the fact that he still is untidy, and his room is planar chaos. Because now I have learned to look into the essence of things and the essence of man. Largely thanks to him, Dima.published

Author: Lelia Siskin


P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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Source: interesno.co/myself/f70f2fc65ee8


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