To see in the daylight my life...

One of the components of depression – the inner cry for yourself. Constant, nonstop crying. So maybe crying child whose trust had been betrayed.

Our children's stories are full of situations where there was something serious, but the mind carefully all hid from us. I have clients who barely remember their childhood, they fall from memory whole chunks, e.g. “7 to 13 years – where I was, what I was doing?... I don't remember anything...”

Someone can only remember the episodes: ”I gave a doll. But her dad somehow hidden. I've been looking for. Then I found it. Couldn't believe it was me. But dad said that the doll I bought for the other girls, not for me. I was very embarrassed. Everyone laughed. I guess it was funny. I went to kindergarten then. This doll was the limit of all my dreams.”


Little stories erupt as flashes of light in the darkness of memory. Memory stores and carefully hides from us that which was too. Loss, betrayal, strange behavior of the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, their love. Memory hides the context, but chuvsva impossible to forget. As the meaning of a joke can dissipate, but that was ridiculous, I remember well.

Once adequate, but stopped a psychological reaction to the incident makes the mount permanent condition. So psyche is trying to accomplish and survive what happened.The experience will forever remain in the memory of the body, our personal history, is not integrated, the unconscious, undigested experience continues to digest the years.

A framework for integrating experience – is the recognition that it was. Recognition of the severity of the damage. Assessment of losses.

The main problem is that the family is trying to close my eyes to what happened, to pretend that nothing happened and move on. Whatever horrors would not do with a child, often the position of the family – neither of which tower, or you do not know, never, never will say. The damage done to the child is impaired: “It's the little things, stop it!” And then subsumed under the question the fact that something was “You all up, you thought”.

In my experience, client history, when a woman decides to present the bill to his family and tell them about what had happened to her. She talks about the sexual use of father, stepfather or uncle. But the perpetrators, and those who were aware, but turned a blind eye, not that I don't apologize and don't recognize a part of responsibility, but accuses her that she is trying to embroil all, “makes dirty linen in public”, and that, most likely – just making it up.

Short memory” is one of the coping strategies. The generation that experienced famine, war, executions, murders, death of their children, had to learn quick to forget. And devalue the severity of the incident. On the other hand, that would not have happened in peacetime, pales in comparison to what they had seen. Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers taught us and our mothers ” not to remember evil” and “not to invent anything”.

Recognition of damage and the return of responsibility for what happened to all those who took part – the hard way. The recognition of the fact that it was with me and the recognition of the size of the damage done to me becomes healing.Ursula Wirtz is the author of the book “killing the soul” writes that this reaction need to be ready all women seeking to restore justice.

The chain of events is restored. The person becomes able to adequately assess what happened to him. To survive the loss, the betrayal, accept difficult events in their lives and assess the damage that was dealt to him.

Wound is detected and “stitched”. Yes, the scar will always remind about the past, but at least she will no longer bleed. And the scar will become part of the life experience on which to draw.

Growing up, the strategy of “short memory”, people continue to use in their adult life.

Women living in atavisim relationships, with husbands-alcoholics or domestic despots have learned to skillfully to forget any violence against them and children. Each new trick of the husband or his next bout is perceived as something that happened for the first time.

To admit that it was before, to see in the daylight my life is a means to destroy the already fragile peace is to lose what a woman mistakes for affection and love.

Is it because mothers cover their husbands when they abuse children? Not to destroy “bad peace”... the Circle closes.

This continuity of tacit assistance continues as long as someone from the family system does not take the courage to admit what is happening. To make this explicit, first for myself and then for my family.

Family systems also grow up like people. And growing up is inextricably linked with autonomy, respecting the boundaries and values of each individual. and above all yourself. published

Author: Irina Dubova

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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Source: dybova.ru/news/o-chyom-ty-plachesh/

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