Yes, you have a right to the utterance of the word out loud! Under any circumstances, whoever the second person. Moreover, it is your duty to deny to others that you have them, don't want to do, not ready, can't.
So you can refuse if it goes against your plans, principles, if this prevents you from performing your primary duties. You have the right to say "no" when you feel that you sit on your neck when you agreed to do something small, and it gradually dumps on you more and more. If you feel uncomfortable, you can always say no. Or even have to say it.
If you ask for help, it means that you can either accept or refuse. You have every right to do, even if the other party to your failure not ready. Do not take on too much, okay? An adult can understand their experiences and expectations. Let him sulk, if not quite an adult, it's his responsibility. Yours is not to take on too much. To be honest with myself.
In Bhagavad-Gita (Chapter 3, text 35) says:
"It is much better to perform your own duties, even imperfectly than to perfectly perform strangers."
To do his duty and to cut all superfluous, not wasting energy for nothing. The most important thing is to be in place and in harmony with yourself. And is not meant to be for all and always good.
We have not decided the relationship to discuss expectations clear. Much easier to ask, without implying that the person may refuse, and then be offended and to push his guilt to the next time accepted and endured. Simpler and more profitable. Many do, we do it to ourselves too, on the machine, not noticing. Especially with those closest to us.
Our habit since childhood to be all good plays into the hands of such situations. You know, when my mother is in her fifty's calling me and joyfully reported that she had someone to deny, I know it's for her huge win. And I rejoice with her. Because for the previous fifty she never refused anything. No friends, no colleagues, no relatives, no bosses, no neighbors. Anyone could ask her about anything and know that she's a slut, but you will. Even if I have to sacrifice their interests, their sleep, nerves.
Even when she was in a serious accident and was lying with jagged glass face and arms, her birthday came the family with "congratulations" she got up and began to feed and cajole. Couldn't say no. Tried subtly to hint, but a hint no one understood. I think it was the last birthday, which she celebrated at home.
If you never say no, your Yes is worth nothing. You must learn to refuse. How many cases when girls even sleep with someone to sleep would not like, but to refuse is awkward, he's in the café took care.
Many options, when we can't find what to say to arguments like "you that hard?", "you feel sorry for it?". And kidney, you can give someone — you have two, sorry?You can get help and advice when you don't need them. Unable to refuse foreign intervention in your life and your business.
You can say "no" to even the closest people. Even if they are surprised, shocked or offended.
First, your "no" can be very timid, insecure or hysterically emotional. It has the right to be anything, especially at the initial stage. Of course, over time, it is advisable to learn how to choose words, emotions and intonation so that your failure hurt not so much. But first, let's learn how to afford to refuse at all.
And Yes, many in the beginning begin to give up everything indiscriminately, that too passes. "No" — this is just one of the options, there is a "Yes". And when "Yes" is your internal desire, and not social service, it brings a joy no less.
Although it is still let's go back to "no".
But somehow we are very much afraid to refuse. What about me? But what about relationships?
And out unfunny situation:
- Parents spouse want to pay for our wedding, but then everything should be the way they want. And I was like no wedding you want, but to deny uncomfortable — all the relatives will be offended.
- I couldn't tell him no, and he took it as a call to action. I feel he raped me, in his opinion – it was all voluntary.
- Sister thinks I should help her with money, although we not so much. It does not work and is not going. And gets offended if we don't give her as much as she wants.
- Mom wants to come help after the birth for a few months, and I don't want to, but afraid to refuse.
- A neighbor asked to hang her Wallpaper, and I spent all my vacation time. Even though I have a home repair is not done for ten years.
- Came to visit relatives, to our flat, where we live with my husband and our children. Live a week, when they will leave is unclear. To rent an apartment they don't want them comfortable. And I can't live like this. But I will not drive the same.
- We met a guy six months, he was nice to me, and though I didn't love, but when he persistently invited me to bed, I couldn't say no. Because he spent so much time already spent on me.
- Husband forces with him to watch adult movies, I'm watching, although I do find it disgusting and unpleasant. But suffer, in order not to offend.
- A friend asked to borrow money, and I gave, although he knew that she did not give, and the money was delayed for something very important to me. But to refuse her – could not. And she's still the money is not returned, I ask her about it I'm afraid, uncomfortable somehow.
- Parents want to take an older child for a few months after birth, and I don't want to. And I can't say it out loud.
- Leadership requires me to work Saturdays, although it pays nothing. The relationship does not want to spoil, is still working. You have to give son to my grandmother, and then on Sunday I lie flat, I have no what forces.
These are just examples. Every day, situations arise in which you need to make a decision. Agree? Give up? The consequences will be there. In one case we need to do something different, understand their feelings. And we are far from feelings and emotions, sometimes it's just easier to do even by force than with their sense of guilt to work. Although it is treated only by the practice of denials and allowing myself to say "no". When you repeat like a mantra: "I have the right to say "no", that's fine."
And Yes, you don't have to make excuses and look for reasons, excuses, why you say no. One "do not want" — it is weighty and sufficient for failure. Over time you will learn to feel it within yourself, and in your even the most quiet and calm "no" will be enough power that people understood. Remember how in "heart of a Dog" Professor Preobrazhensky refused to help the poor children in Africa? They asked him, saying, what do you kids do not mind? What he said, "sorry for the Children. But I don't want". And that's all. Just "do not want" — and that's enough.
Such a failure always a lot of energy and strength. If you agree, you will feel drained, used and overwhelmed.
If you learn to refuse – like you will have an additional battery.
Ruining it will be able to only guilt you will say that good girls don't do that. But the guilt will bother you "gnaw", if you strictly hold the line. Supposedly, guilt, Hey! I will, of course, see, but you can go further, I have not done anything wrong. I have every right to be!
We still live under the program of good girls who never get angry, do not deny, do not grieve (and still are never happy – but this is what we why-that nobody said). Forget. There are no good girls. There and not very happy. So happy taking care of yourself, know and feel, and refuse. They often refuse not good and alien for the best and your. The only way. And if you also want to be happy – it's time to learn to say "no".
Not denying that man, you are creating for the both of you the opportunity to find their man in this life. Denying parents, you can finally become adults. Denying something to their children, you can get in their eyes more authority. "Refuse to help your friend, you have a chance of your relationship to strengthen, or already understand that your paths diverged. Denying the head, you can find your way in life. Behind every failure is always a huge scope of possibilities for the development of all involved parties.
Keep in mind the end goal is harmony inside the performance of your duty, follow your own path and refuse will become much easier.
You have the right to say "no" at any time to any person. And it's important to teach our little girls that they were able to avoid many women's issues. Do not be afraid that one day they will say "no" to you. You want to see them happy? Then it is necessary to think about how you can give them a good example.
Author: Olga Valyaeva, from the book "Return to yourself"
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki