Children or work to be about relationships, not about daily routine

Me attachment theory is fascinating because it allows you to understand how it is that from a tiny creature totally dependent, absolutely can not take care of himself, has no freedom of choice, grows his own man with a complex mentality, values, morals, has a huge amount of autonomy. As a secret the wheels spinning, this is something between the inner cones that caring parents turn into independence?

This is what I want, what I want to look, about what I want to write and tell.

photo by Magdalena Berny

Attachment theory talks about how important for a child adult, but she never claims that important for an adult only child. It teaches to treat the child as a value, but does not offer the parent to consider only a tool.

According to the theory of attachment, the adult leads the child into the world, promising him his love, protection and care – but not the satisfaction of all desires and the complete absence of unpleasant experiences.

In short, in my opinion, the answer of attachment theory to the dilemma of "children and work" is.

You have the right to live your life, and the child due to your way of living to adapt. That is what his instincts, his powerful program behavior repetition is to be with their adults, to focus on him, take good and correct all that he considers good and proper adult to live in his house, eat his food, speak his language, to his way of life.

In this case, you have the right to go for, and your child has the right to get upset. And you don't have to stay home so he won't get upset as he doesn't have to pretend he likes it.

You have the right to make new children, and the child has the right to be jealous of him. You don't have to deny myself the extended family, that he might be the only one, but the child is not obliged to pretend that he likes everything.

You have the right to divorce her husband, and the child has the right to suffer for it. You don't have to live in a hateful marriage that he did not suffer, but he's not obligated to swallow their feelings.

You have the right to change the place of residence and way of life, and the child has the right to protest and miss the familiar. You are not required to abandon their plans and goals to ensure immutability, but he does not have to pretend that it is just.

That's how it works. We have children, not children for us. We live their life, they have to adapt, as we adapt to the lives of their parents. Our parents had moved, changed work, poorer and richer, gave birth to new children, divorced and married. We had to adapt some of these changes we remember with joy, others with pain, some were horrible at first, but then it turned out that a lot of us. But generally we coped.

Nature has equipped human babies flexible enough that they can adapt to almost everything. In what conditions children grow up, with which only scrapes did not face the family. Sometimes you can't choose sometimes choose one way or another, while the child is small, it is bound to you, and will follow on the path of life with you, no matter what twists and gullies it may occur.

You have the right to live as they see fit or as circumstances permit, children have the right to be unhappy, but as a parent you must help them adapt. To the gully and turns took place for a child is softer, but if it becomes unbearable – so he can cry you not hear in response, "shame on you", "all for you" or "we already sick of your whining".

Attachment theory requires the parent to be a child – not in the sense that physically be all the time and subdue him with my life and to be with him in the ongoing emotional ties, to let him know that he is with you, and you him to feel loved and accepted. And nobody knows exactly how many hours a day you need, and exactly how many days you can be separated, so as not to disrupt communication. There is no universal recipe. You can sit at home with the child for his entire childhood, doing only them, but the good relations did not create. And you can bring up his rare letters from prison, as he had at the time many of our fellow citizens, and to give him the feeling of love and warmth for the rest of my life.


To be a parent – it means all the time taken care to save the relationship, in whatever circumstances you may find yourself in. For a child is more important, whether he wants the parent to be with him, happy to have this opportunity – or considers it a burden and is just waiting for a chance "to disengage". Child it is important to know that if you seriously need the parent will be delayed for the sake of it all, but he doesn't need anything to do, except it does not. The confidence that you are important, needed and loved is more important than the number of hours spent together. Attachment theory says about the relationship, and not about the order of the day.

An adult who feels like a hostage in front of the child, the unfortunate victim, sacrificed at the altar of parenthood will not be able to build good attachment. After all, attachment is the relationship of the adult as the dominant caring individuals and child individuals as dependent and trusting. An adult needs to be strong and free, should be the master of himself and of his life, only then will the child next to him quietly.published


Author: Lyudmila Petranovskaya


P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©



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