In General, I am convinced that people always know everything. I mean, all the important and necessary about yourself, your relationships, your family, etc. Just don't always know what I know. Not necessarily directly replacing, although it happens quite often. And just, maybe, not thought, not formulated in words. And if they start to ask the right questions, this POPs up, sometimes with strong feelings. What we have here every time that happens, and so the discussions are always deeper and more interesting than the original post. For that I love you all, and to have a log with comments only "What You are smart!" and "That fool!" would be wildly boring.
But it so, lyrical digression.
I remind you that in the original text it was about the parents ' behavior, in General, good, loving, and are not in a situation of acute stress.
So, with your permission, I will make brackets for situations such as:
- gave birth to get married (behind the family), and she hates him;
- parents are people of psychopathic warehouse, with a sadistic component, or generally poorly capable of empathy, considering the baby thing, the property, part of yourself;
- parents reacting so occasionally and situation — much afraid, very much the wrong time (late, dressed for an important meeting, etc.).
In the first two cases so bad that the particular kind of reaction to anything the fall have not significantly change and did not make sense to discuss it.
The last is doing well and nothing, in General, terrible will happen if time-arc and fail. Shouldn't do this, of course, but the perfect parents, nobody promised.
What remains of what has been termed the "spring" of such behavior in adults:
- total mental and physical exhaustion, caused by fatigue, poverty, constant stress, long illness of the child or their own ill health, often become adoptive parents in the period of adaptation, because it is very energy consuming;
- automatic playback of patterns of behavior their own parents, even if in fact they are unhappy and would like to get rid of them, but alternative models take root with difficulty, require constant monitoring mind;
- anxiety, suspiciousness, constant fear that with the child something happens, the desire to predotvratit for him any the slightest trouble and suffering, often associated with the inability to carry a baby crying;
- a strong, if vague, sense of guilt it is not clear to whom, fantasies, condemn, punish, may take that child away or hurt him, because he is "stopping", not "all", I fear that you and/or child "cancel", if someone decides that it would be better you were not.
Did you forget anything?
And here I can see that, despite the diversity of these situations they have one important thing in common: in all of them the parent as it is not an adult
. He is unable to cope with life (exhaustion and anxiety), he is not the owner himself (automatisms and wine). He is forced to play the role of parent, adult, responsible, strong, and the inner as this role contradicts the resource for its execution is not.
I once wrote about the strange idea that emerged in recent decades that children grow crazy hard. Despite the fact that the child usually one or two, there are gardens, Babysitting services, and machine-machines — are sometimes unbearable. This lack of perception may say one thing — the role of a parent is hard.
Or is this role — the helpless, the suffering, the weary parent who "life bags". That is supposed to suffer according to the script, otherwise "kukailimoku" and it's not in the bill. It is not uncommon, but over the years less and less.
No real connection with difficult financial or domestic situation are sometimes not observed: someone easily — in General, easy. Much, of course, not easy with four children in a cramped apartment with little income, someone falls to the ground from the burden of parenthood — not pretending, but really gets tired and comes to nervous exhaustion, even staying in the resort hotel "all inclusive", and still with the nanny.
Or is the role of "head", is not acquired naturally in early childhood, and was built in the age of reason based on critical evaluation of the behavior of their parents, reading books, fantasies, dreams, beliefs, decisions, etc.
This role may be perfect in concept and content, but it differs from the role of the living and natural, as well as a delicate indoor plant from tenacious roadside Bush, a little that is not resource is not enough — and here she is already unable to cope, fades, recedes, and left position still stands proud as the Thistle, learned in their own childhood "let's do it!", "Are you an idiot?!", "Mad at you is not enough", "You me ragged" and so forth.
Actually, aborted the normal parental role, position and status — I always call her the position of power care. And recently learned from my colleague Olga Pisarik that in the psychology of attachment it is called "caring alpha". Catches the eye anyone who tries to watch ordinary parents on the street or somewhere else.
Either drop the component "care", when the child is not safe, is not protecting, helping, problem-solving, or forming "power", when the responsibility is transferred to the child and the adult shows helplessness, or both at once, that all tin.
An example of the latter is etched in my memory (from a recent vacation observations). Mom, already not very young, a four year old boy who did not obey did not want to sit on the Mat in a towel as she saw fit, and wanted to run in the sand around. Sitting on the Mat with a towel in his hands and not even trying to do anything, mom loudly asked: "No, you tell me what strap you to the beach to take? You at home little? Right here to thrash you, Yes to you listen to?"
Then she turned to their friends on a nearby rug and just as loud (child heard) started to speak to them: "Well, I don't know what to do with it. Already beating it, and put in a corner, explain that you have to obey, but he still. Tortured me. Do not take it to the sea, even sitting at home.". She said it without much, I must say, despair in his voice and even with a certain coquetry.
What we see here? Parent, on the one hand, shows complete helplessness: it delegates to the child (quite small), the decision whether to obey or not, and even the decision about where and how (the child) be punished. He explicitly voiced his helplessness and how the only way he calls the separation from the baby (not taking), that is, States that the role of the parent is not coping and is going to leave (even temporarily).
This care is also not observed, although perhaps the mother believes that she cares, trying to wrap rolling boy in a towel and sit still. The needs of the child do not interest her, she is ready to use (and resorted, apparently) to abuse, and emotional safety of the child about whom the whole beach heard his "beating, and he does little", is not taken into account.
The full guard. The guy probably got used to it and pretended that does not hear, did not react to calls and threats of the mother. I vividly imagined their relationship in his fourteen and regretted both. Listen to it, it will not, and I understand it. To contact her for help too.
He is alone in the world and she is one. Meanwhile, in her picture of the world she's a good mother brings up, on the lookout for simple, carries the sea and all "I told him all the time to explain". And she loves him, of course. Life for him will be given, if required. I have no doubt. And she's not a psychopath, not a sadist, and not in the ultimate stress. That's just her parent role, a very bad model. And the other is not brought up.
Examples sags concern in the comments to the previous post a great variety: the children experiencing difficulties, suffering and even dangerous for the health of the state, do not apply to such parents for help, since I know I hardly get it. Parent for them all with care not associated at best with indifference, at worst a threat. Moreover, as already mentioned, parents often are in full confidence that "made for the child". The fact is that under the "care" refers not to "do what you think is right" and "doing what is really necessary for your child." And it is two big differences.
So is that an overprotective, from the point of view of an outside observer, parents, children grow up with feelings of abandonment and uselessness. Although they "put life" — not figuratively, but right here apparently.Sags arrogance too often.
What is our favorite way to communicate with children rhetorical questions: "No, you're finally going to behave?", "You spank?", "What were you thinking when you did that?", "Why are you lying to me, I ask you?", "You have a conscience?".
Well, where the child can know if he has a conscience, or why he did what he did? And about the question "to spank you" I just keep quiet — it's a complete sur, if you think about it. From the same series, any and all kinds of demonstration of helplessness, "I just don't know what to do with it", "You got me in the coffin will drive," "I can't", "I once more with you where you go" etc. etc. Can and non-verbal to do it — moans, sighs, groans, rolled eyes. Sage still drinking well.
And a separate powerful — questions-to-child-type "do You love me?", complaints of "What are you so unkind" and requests, and even requirements "Pity the mother", "Respect parents", "to Appreciate what we do for you" etc. This means that the child is assigned is responsible for their relationship with adults, for the depth and strength of the bond between them, for their future.
Particularly skilful manage to appoint a responsible child even in a couple of the spouses, but that is a separate horror.
Particularly painful for children when ill and with care, and with the "alphavalue" that happen with the participation of a third party. It all cases, when we together with the doctor we begin to shame a child for something that he is afraid to make an injection, or zapuskaetsa him in the presence of a teacher who scolds him.
Lyudmila Petranovskaya: Most theories of education.Shame and fear: WHAT are we passing on to their children
Detimi such situations are treated by far — they passed.
Parent and he is afraid and can not do anything, so she sacrificed the "less valuable member of the crew." Children usually do not protest, they know that the less valuable. Just survive the experience of "care of the earth from under his feet" and forever remember that anyone, even a loving parent, you cannot rely. Sags often a concern of the politically correct called "rigor", and sags authoritativeness — "liberal education".
Author: Lyudmila Petranovskaya