When you might not want to live with their parents

In traditional cultures people live in large families, and it's all good. Judge for yourself — a few women, who share all the responsibilities, there is always someone to leave the children to rest when sick — will pick up. For young families there is also a senior, is able to reconcile them if that and are equal. All in one place, socializing abound. Women help each other — hair, dress, makeup, manicure to be done.


Still live this way in India, Bali and many more where. But you need to understand that relations in these areas is built differently — more harmoniously. And for all the result is good. It works only when relations inside the collective good.


If there is a conflict – explicit or implicit, different views and reticence – all happen in a completely different way. Then the parents can, for example, all the work to put the blame on the daughter-in-law or Vice versa not to let it be implemented as a wife and mother. Can greatly interfere in the relationship and not allow husband and wife to be alone. With the advent of children, such conflicts are even more compounded. In the end, no love and harmony. The family may be destroyed or severely suffer from the interferences and conflicts. Then do a young family easier to live separately, without undue outside pressure.

After all, to build a family life with her husband – it is very difficult. A young family needs to have their own space – both physical and emotional.

For example, in Bali and Sri Lanka families live together, but separately. In a common area are a few private homes. In single — parents in the other — one young family in third. Conveniently, shared yard, sometimes a communal dining room. Common children running around. Common dinners or Lunches. But everyone has their own space, where everyone lives as he wants and feels. When he wants to – goes out into the world when he's sitting home by himself. I see this option is ideal (again, if the relationship is warm and good). Together, and with the personal area. In our realities of small apartments in high-rise buildings is difcult. Usually all live together in one small apartment. And kitchen one and the bathroom is shared, and the place is small, and personal space does not work (even if they do separate room). Whereas to be?

Let's start with the fact that we understand when to live together – fine. You should try to live together with the parents (and if I like it) if:

  • parents, adults and Mature personality, who wants to learn life and relationship with them is filled, not empty.
  • -parents live on the basis of the Scriptures. Maybe they are not followers of any religion, but live as it says. Honest and clean life.
  • children respect parents and willing to listen to them.
  • -relationship in a young family is good, they are not in crisis.
  • young each other parents do not complain.
  • -the young have a private space where they are free to do what you want. For example, a separate room.
Then all for the good. Will and solidarity, and support, the young family will adopt the positive habits of parents and to strengthen. And children grow up to be the joy in this family, they will receive more care and attention.

When not living with parents:

-if the parents do not approve of the choice their child. Then they will provoke conflicts, without even realizing it. And in these conflicts the family will be separated, each pulling in their burrows, and even with this buildup, dripping on the brains of their child, they say, it's not a couple, see how she (or he) is bad, you need another wife (or husband). If you long to "drip", to convince in anything. Younger – especially in the first years – needed support that will help them to stay together.

-if parents far to psychological maturity if they are children then offended, then blackmailing, pressuring, lecturing, interfering unceremoniously. This may end very sad.

-if your views on life are very different, and parents are not ready to accept it. For example, your vegetarianism and what you feed your grandchildren. Then they will slowly behind to accustom them to the meatballs. Or if you are not ready to accept the lifestyle of the parents and they are going to re-educate, that are not your business.

-if the parents do not live as written in the Scriptures. For example, home smoke, swear constantly wash all the bones, drink and so on. You will be their habits and vices to absorb, why is it you and your children? How to maintain respect for him, their relationship and not start to do the same?

-if grandparents undermine the parents ' authority in children. For example, regularly tell the kids that their dad and mom are stupid and listen to them do not, or parents ban something, and the grandmother challenge their decisions in front of the kids and secretly allow it. And so on. I remember one story that grandma told her grandson, saying, you are so we have a good, and dad you are good, but your mother is a wild child and a fool (although my mom is quite normal). In the end, the boy ended up in the mental hospital with a serious disorder, it is with the grandmother he spent most of the time. The psyche of such pressure could not resist.

-if parents are too attached to their adult children and can't let them go, monitoring, reading notation, dragging the blanket over himself. It is particularly difficult to single grandmothers, who raised only one child (especially if it's a boy), those whose children were late-the long-awaited, hard-won. Sometimes it is very hard to part with younger children. For a young family is too strong a test, not all of it will stand.

-if young a lot of resentment towards the parents. Then the relationship will be every day to cause pain, and it does not change. To heal the wounds, you need some time to be alone, that is in the distance. To heal, to reassure, and then try to be there.

-if the relationship with parents unhealthy and empty. For example, parents from their children pulled as small. Or if children sense their whole life, which is so scary to lose. To build relationships the young family require a lot of energy, and if they will still yank parents, it won't work.

-if children cannot respect their parents and have them claim. Something is wrong, it's not so bad and little help, order your put not give, do not sit with their grandchildren, the apartment is not exchanged. Then it is a serious stress for both, and the consequences will be sad.

So often moodyblue to live separately. It will be more difficult physically and financially, but a young family to maintain will be easier. To live separately and to establish relationships with parents in the distance. And maybe one day, when all the participants are matured, you can start with the new points become closer to each other.

And they say that if you live with parents, then two options — either become crazy or enlightened.

It's not easy to build good relations with all, to adapt beneath all without betraying themselves, not trying to pull on their own resources, respecting and loving.

Nowadays, it is not for everyone, especially in our Western world.

My husband and parents have never lived, no matter how hard it. Even when there was no money, we rented an apartment. Yes, it is more expensive, housing was not his, and so on. But it's saved in many places. For example, when we moved to Petersburg, and I have lost a little running away to mom, finally I had problems with my husband to decide. And most importantly — it has allowed and allows to respect parents, to thank them, to have a good relationship, always talking on Skype and meeting 1-2 times a year.

So I always think it strange when I say that living separately is not possible. The possibility is always there. Just to live separately would be more expensive and less convenient. It can be not a room in a cozy and comfortable apartment, and some "modern communal", where it will be necessary to invest effort and money, knowing that it's not yours, and one day hence the "ask". Yes, you will need to look for opportunities to earn more or slightly reduce their expenses and optimize them. Yes, this will require effort and will add stress. Butthe possibility is always there.

If your relationship is sick, then choosing a more "comfortable" way, you just do them every day all is worse being close.You less respect their parents, they respect you less. You lose power, which you feel you and your children. Including why you might have financial problems — and the strength and respect towards parents — what does the money. Of your family relationships are destroyed, and I know so many examples where lives with his parents played a fatal role in divorces. You don't even know how many things you have in life happens for the reason that you are looking for the possibility of relationships to heal!

If you live with your parents because it's more convenient and cheaper, but suffer and swearing need to grow up and take responsibility for your life. Sometimes it's better to step aside and suffer the inconvenience in order to save his family and learn to respect those who raised you.

And for yourself, you can put another goal — to become the parents which young families want to live together in joy. Because a big family of many generations is a powerful force and a tremendous resource. When she is not even the question, whether to live together, it becomes a boon for everyone. But then again, to become the parents first need to learn to respect their own. published


Author: Olga Valyaeva


Source: www.valyaeva.ru/stoit-li-zhit-s-roditelyami/


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