Do I need to talk to the parents about the past? And what if they deny everything? How to forgive a deceased parent and is it possible to discern in the criticism of a parent's love?
This psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya said at the lecture "Children's grievances: is there a chance to mend already damaged relationship?".
Try not to forgive and to understand: — They did not have resource
Remember that they had a very hard life – work, lack of money, procuring food, consuming life, standing in line. Much crocked parents were not psychologically sensitive and they gave the children the resources that they lacked.
They were young and inexperienced
Sometimes it is very useful to remember at what age were your parents at that time. Often it was the people of 25-26 years, inexperienced and insecure.
Do not be silent
If you feel resentment for the parents, do not be silent about it. It is impossible not to admit that you were bad. Very long the subject was taboo and there was only one option: "Parents are Holy people, they raised you and gave birth, they need to love, respect and not to complain" or "If you were ill – are to blame".
Not zip the whole life from childhood trauma
Is the other extreme. It would be nice not to spend the rest of his life, complaining parents and explaining their mistakes, all the failures. Try not to live life under the banner of "child of an alcoholic, a man who never loved mom" or "the man beaten as a child". Sometimes this period of experiencing trauma is needed, but it would be nice to have it over.When we were kids, we didn't have a choice – will we offend or not. And now we have a choice – we can leave the trauma just as an experience or to allow the injury to form our identity.
If you can't get off this on their own – contact your therapist, do not live in this state over the years.
Try to talk about childhood grievances with parents
Need to try to convey to parents that they were wrong? Sometimes that helps. Parents have become calmer, wiser, they're not as crocked as before. They are already raising grandchildren and often open in themselves the qualities of warmth and acceptance.
Some of them are already ready for such a conversation. Sometimes they may acknowledge and Express regret about past mistakes. And it may be the beginning of a new warm relationship.
Sometimes acceptance of responsibility just need
this mainly relates To cases where there was a serious abuse from parents. Just admit that it was. This recognition can often be the only condition on which the children agree to continue to communicate with parents.
You need to say directly: "to Me it is very important that you recognized what it was. I don't need an apology, but it is important that no one was pretending that I invented it".
Express them the right not to admit their mistakes
If parents are protected and say: "We did everything right, you ungrateful," they have that right. You have your own picture of the world, and they have their own. Sometimes their mind still denies and displaces. Reform in 70 years is a bad idea.
But this frequently means that intimate relations between you will be gone.
Pity myself a little
When we get grievances from parents, we are very small creatures. You are not a judge, just a little child who had no choice.
And when we think to forgive or not to forgive, accept responsibility, which we have not and could not be.
We can't be older parents can't judge them "on top". We can accept your feelings and of today's adult status to spare yourself a little. To explain a little what actually is wrong with kids to go to it even from someone adult is heard.Allow yourself to mourn
At some point I must allow myself to mourn and accept that something you have as a child was not and never will be. Because your parents just couldn't give it to you. And from this it can be easier.
Do not expect that parents will change
Very often for claims to parents should children hope that parents will change – dad, finally, praise you, and mom, finally, love. And mom and dad are not praised and loved simply because they were in principle is not capable of. They have his difficult childhood, his circumstances and his psychological profile.Learn to translate the language of love their parentsrarely there are parents who are not able to give anything to, but only criticize and reject.
Sometimes their love language is simply not one that we would like to hear. We expect good things, and their love is baking cakes to feed to satiety. We must learn to translate their language.
For example, mom is grumpy all the time, but it prepares you endless soup and washing dishes. Here these pies, soup and dishes is her "I love you."
Sometimes criticism is also the concern of
Endless criticism — it's such a parental guardian. It seems that if all time to say baby, what's wrong with him, then he will understand everything and will finally do everything right. If you see it that way, it will not be you to destroy.Need to learn how to this and treated like care.If your parents died, your claim it won't hurt
The deceased parent is not so different from not deceased. After all, when we are offended, we are offended not at today's parents, and those parents who were then, in a moment of resentment.
Sometimes idealize the dead and it seems that it is forbidden to think ill of them or to present a claim to them. But if they are dead, then your claim they did not exactly hurt, and it might help.
Sometimes you need to Express anger and grievances, to open the capacity to love. If you remove the resentment, you will be able to deal with the warmest part of the relationship that you had.
Author: Lyudmila Petranovskaya
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©