Resentment destructive emotion. Resentment is stopped, "Packed" anger. If so, then on the face and body will be all tense. If you look at yourself in the mirror at the time of the offense, you'll see a stone face, compressed into a tight thread of the lips, nose, chin and standing in the eyes of tears.

Resentment is choking, grasps the throat, drove the ball, does not breathe, a ring of steel tightens the chest. Dizzy; on the one hand, the feeling of complete loss of reality, and the other covers the hood – sounds to hear bad words barely distinguishable, the faces are blurred.

photo: Samad Ghorbanzadeh

In breast itching sharp pain as from a knife stuck in the heart. Bitterness, anger, deep undeservedly insulting.

And as a response to the indignity of a split-second decision – “to be proud”. The person stands still in a haughty wax mask. All shell shut. Began full defense.

Resentment is a reaction to “not love”

The idea that I do not like, not appreciate, do not respect, “I don't matter”. For the offense, the facts is not necessary, just suspicion is not love.

The offense requires that at the end someone was wrong and felt guilty about it. ”If I hurt, then he is guilty.” Even if the second is not to blame, he will not going to feel guilty just by the law of polarities, so inherent in our nature.

Once the offense allowed the girls to manipulate the holders and to obtain confirmation of their love and of their value for them. In response to the snub nose and pouting lips the gentleman had abruptly to wonder what he was wrong and fall to my knees with a bouquet of flowers and a nice present. The concept of “women's pride” just yet cherishing resentment at any little bit about it. But if the reason was serious, self-respecting woman had a serious offense and be proud to the end.

Constantly offended, capricious and demanding mistress for many years been the ideal of proper female behavior.

By the way, men too are not averse to be proud and vindictive. They have more right to aggression, so if a man was hurt (read: insulted), “the normal guy that just will not leave.”

What is the offense?

This is a reaction to not love. Resenting, the person informs the family that " you can't do this, I don't feel loved." Resentment is choking from the thought that someone has the audacity not to love me, to appreciate me and cherish me. Someone dared to do something that questioned my absolute value.

“How so?!”

If you go deeper into the offense, then you will feel pain, helpless, abandoned by all, not a beloved child. Little girl on a big noisy street, full dressed people, hurrying to their children at Christmas. She sits in the snow, leaning against the stone wall, holding her matches. And only God can share her loneliness. To him she rushes into his arms. Andersen captured this image in his “the little match Girl.”

In the language of the psyche out of this loneliness and not love is death, direct or symbolic – numbness, saladerie, necrosis, numbness of the soul.

“From that moment I was more or that won't hurt. I no longer feel. And your dislike will not be able to hurt me.”

Aggrieved person to the very core of his suffering is experiencing pain poor abandoned child. He's waiting for someone to fill it with his love, to warm his frozen hands and quicken his soul. It's a pain of a child who for whatever reason have not received unconditional and vsenarodnaya of parental love in childhood.

This pain can flare up every time a match from any suspicion of no love to the second – proved to me that I love(and) and finally filled my soul, gave me that are unable to give parents.

But it's impossible. No one can fill that void. Will always be a little. People pushed into that mental abyss of children, Pets, belongings and loved ones, but it still gapes. Forcing each time to play the same scenario.

Resentment becomes habitual defensive reaction and is triggered by any attempt of sincere conversation. I know a woman who for more than ten years could not talk heart to heart. Every time she tried to say something – whether the topic is the lack of money or his inattention to her, the tears choked her so that she could not utter a word. Conversations turned into continuous torture and always accompanied by countless tears.

“I am ashamed to ask you,” another facet of the offense

Resentment is a human reaction, not knowing how to ask for love. We all need love.

Admit your neediness, weakness and need for love and care, to ask about this – very difficult. Since there is rarely a weakness. To be weak and in need allowed not all. Often the family educates the child so that the only thing that gives a weakness is a disease. And people are unconsciously forced to use this trick to give yourself a chance to rest and ask about care.

Our culture for centuries, believes the weakness of the line, singing in the tales and legends of self-denial and heroism:

A small child, whose mother was left alone and left, will be a long time to choke from crying in the crib. Then he will calm down and fall asleep. No, he will not rest. Part of his soul just wither away. In his mind my mom left him and never come back. The pain of an abandoned child, especially in childhood, repeated many times, will make this person very sensitive to the danger of loss of love.

For a child there is only him and his needs, he can't understand that mom was gone on important matters that she was in the bathroom or she was sick or she was gone for five minutes and she was detained. For a child there is only him, his need for love and his grief that this love is not when he had to.

photo: Samad Ghorbanzadeh

Adults, after many many years behave like this child. For them there is only their need for love and their pain, if this love is not given. It is very difficult to realize that another person is different from their needs. “If you love me, be kind and give me what I need! And now!” They are sincerely offended when another does not and meets their needs. This offence covers the burning pain and tears the heart, not giving breathe.

The man with the scar in the shower is very difficult to take into account the needs of others and to Express their.

He expects the world as a mother he will realize that he needs and all he will give. And if someone, especially close does not, the old pain and hurt covered his head.

Staying with the "hurt child", a man stuck on himself. It's all in his childhood wounds.

The other man, he's... different. He their thoughts, their feelings, their ideas about themselves and their life, their plans and their needs. Its purpose is not to make you happy (yeah, not in it!) He lives his life and lives as he can. Sadly to say this, but your favorite man, can never become your loving father, to give you all the tenderness and unconditional love, admiration and adoration that give dads little girls (those who are lucky enough).

A woman can't replace a mother and to love also unconditionally like her. If she laid on the altar of love all his life and lives only for you, then this love has a name – the psychological dependence.

To fill another man hole in my soul – a dream for many disadvantaged people. Put love, devotion, confession, adoration and understanding of their absolute value, thus to restore the balance.

Feeling inside not passing hunger for love and with the understanding that another person has its own life, its own history, its own needs, capabilities and desires; and it is this other may not physically be able to give that love, which is so necessary, he has the right and choice, and their decision to give or not give; and this decision is always with him, and not out of resentment – it is not very easy.

Especially if to take offense for any reason and hide in its shell tightly compressed that the usual and long-term way of protecting from pain.


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To unclench his shell, poke out his head and talking about myself, about pain, about the needs, desires and try to hear not only themselves but also other a lot of work. Afford to Express their emotions, to acknowledge their pain. Then it is easier to see the pain of another, to recognize his right to this pain.published

Author: Yuliya Bazyleva




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