Second offense pole Bashny.Net

Why are so different, polar feelings I suddenly merged into a single topic? That's why - they live in a bundle - where there is wine, there is also resentment. And vice versa. But one of them, as a rule, we do not notice yourself. If we are offended, then its fault we do not say it, we "delegate" to another person. "I am offended. He is guilty. »

If we feel guilty, it is assumed that the second offense is experiencing. But these two opposite feelings simultaneously present in one person, as the two sides of the moon. Just one of them sounds brighter, and the other remains in the background.

Resentment

Resentment - more resourceful feeling. It much energy. And all of it toward the other man, to whom I offended. The offense can hear the call of love. I wish he loved me and he loved it as I want. And he does not do it. I feel miserable, cheated, trampled.

The offense can be a lot of self-pity unhappy. A lot of feeling like a victim, a victim of a bad person. Resentment choking tears, holds down the throat. Self-pity splashes tears. Resentment - is "crying for love." To offend, we only relatives and relatives of those on whom are waiting for attention, affection, tenderness, acceptance, engagement, love.




And he is a bad man does not understand, does not want, does not try, does not give me what I want from him!

And if the bastard betrayed me ?! I went to another or other bases, abandoned, robbed ?! U-yyyy, snake !!!

And surpasses anger, even rage!

In offense a lot of anger. Anger that stuff into itself, hidden behind clenched teeth and tears standing in his eyes.

Pride does not allow to go through the shame and show their feelings. Tell others about their expectations, frustration and your pain about all this. And anger.

"Below my dignity to tell you about this, he needs to understand." "If a man loves, he does not need to say anything." "They had to do it to know".

Anger with the offense stops, held a raging inside. If breaks out, in the form of acting out, rather than directly to the object of anger - a plate on the floor beat, throw the phone against the wall, the car hit

. Or soak yourself start: disease in grow yourself rastsarapyvat, comb. If aggression is not let out, then to go to her where? Only in his own body.

And poshvyryat possible and beat the pillow, if anger so right and rolls, it is possible to release the steam. Only the saucepan from the heat is not removed when the lid slightly open. Soon again have to produce steam, if the problem is not solved.

Adequate road with anger and resentment - negotiations, ie the presentation of their anger and discontent

. Anger lets you feel its boundaries (time, financial, territorial, emotional). When they are violated, we feel the anger. A presentation of his anger allows these boundaries to designate and retain.

If you communicate with someone, not a cat, then show their anger and designate borders of a better word, "I am angry with you when you ..." "For me a lot of anger, when you ..." "I am very angry, when you doing so because .. "" I'm still mad at you for that case, when you ... »

When anger brought, marked "bottlenecks", discontent point, with this you can have something to do, something to solve. You can discuss not what you are bad, and what I am unhappy, but that it makes me angry, and why. What I need, what I need from you and is willing to give if you do it, if it is ready, how. And if not ready, then you can decide what to do next, where, how and with whom to meet a need that is starving with him, with the other. Maybe not for him, this need or not all of my needs to him. Maybe you can with other people they meet.

And what is this need that this man is starving, is also good to understand. Maybe there is no man on earth who could satisfy her. It was when you were three months. Mom holila, cherished, to holding pens, fed by any squeaks and all desires guessed. This paradise on earth, you can organize yourself, but if ill much to helplessness. In normal adult life dream of unconditional love - it is a myth that will never happen again

. What I want, why get angry - it is important to understand themselves and to the near and dear to try to convey. Then there is the chance that something will change.

Or when meditations and talks will show that it is time to send his home, far away, or from a mother to all intervening and controlling it is time to separate, it is time to skim. And there can not do without aggression. To separate, it is necessary to push, often feet. It is painful and sad fact of which repel, whose expectations of eternal love and the confluence of collapsing.

The second component of the offense - is love

. In any even the most violent offense is love. Otherwise, there would be no offense would have been just angry and that's it. I slammed the door in front of your nose? Bastards! Just angry feelings. On foot came? Bastards. Water cut off amid hot summer, well, as they are called? But if what you minibus Naham or leg occurred or the plane flew without waiting for you, you terribly hurt, it can not to them all these marshrutochnikov, flight attendants, waiters, salesmen and saleswomen, drivers of trams and crop you motorists this offense, and to someone else? And you project, all offended you look for it on the world. Not for them is.

The offense is always a love. It is important to recognize it. When there is no love, no friends, anxious feeling, then there is no resentment. The greater the love, the deeper the hurt.

Anger and love - ambivalent, contradictory feelings which fill hurt

. Wines

Wine - this is the second pole of the offense. We either blame themselves or feel offended, considering guilty of another person.

The experience of guilt - one of the most devastating for the individual processes

. Guilt - feeling it autoagressive designed to exterminate, destroy, erase from the face of the earth itself. To avenge himself for his sins. The aggression aimed at yourself.

Guilt and resentment. Resentment and wine. Two sides of the same coin
We may feel guilt where there is our responsibility. And it does not ignore its responsibility, where it is.

I feel the responsibility to recognize and take responsibility - is the ability of an adult, based on the right of choice and awareness that for this choice will have to pay. Any choice has a price. Free elections do not happen. Whatever we choose, each of our decisions have consequences. Even if we decide to do nothing, and that choice has a price.

Guilty Without Guilt.

There is a kind of guilt - "virtual wine." This is when we experience guilt for what is not our responsibility.

There are great family history, where the wine is passed from generation to generation. And someone in the family takes over the function of this guilt to atone. And even making it to your destination. Well, if it is clear who to whom and for what was to blame, then it is possible to separate other people's "sins" of their own and to understand where in all this is your share of the responsibility. But it happens that the wine is transferred without any reference to actual events, causing melancholy, and the constant search for the meaning of "causeless" depression in some of the next generation.

Wines - stopped initiative

. The reason we stop ourselves from realizing their desires. We reimplemented tap its own initiative. The reason we deafen your "Wishlist" and the desire to follow him.

"As between you and me, I choose myself, I feel guilty. When I choose you, it hurts me. »

The second pole of guilt - it's an insult. Insult to the same person, in front of which we are guilty.

But not at all, we allow ourselves to be offended. How can you take offense at a sick child, and her husband, who broke his leg before the release, his father, who died and left one, but at my mother, who worked so much that she did not have enough time for their children; a sick, old grandmother; the one who died ... No they can not be offended. But screw easily!

These are good people, and I ... selfish!

People love to revel in guilt, in tears and sprinkle ashes on his head, showing the wonders of sadism in relation to itself. Blaming himself for any glimpses of initiative and desire to follow him.

One can endlessly try to atone. And you can see that on the other extreme guilt. And afford to feel hurt, so angry and love.

To love and be angry. To defend its borders, talk about their feelings, to be alive.

And just to live.

Author: Irina Dybov