Swallowing his resentment, the digest itself.
Unknown author If someone wronged you, revenge bravely. Stay calm and this will be the beginning of your vengeance, then I'm sorry – it will be the end of it.
The old aphorism
Offense – big or small, long-term or short-term known to many people, if not all. It appears when our expectations are not met. And becomes unbearable if we drive it deeper and be immersed in the illusion. What is so searing and unpredictable feeling? INFANTILE ILLUSIONS
Expect that each will treat you with love and devotion, and he behaves otherwise... Expect one reaction and face another. Who bears responsibility for that? Of course, I got it. My expectations were far from reality. I modeled one behavior of their loved ones, and it was different. So incorrectly modeled. And then I get a message that either my perception of the situation is wrong, or people treat me not as I would like. Perhaps it is a signal to reconsider the relationship. Reason to check: "And whether I think of this man? Did you expect I from him such a thing?" The situation pushes to a conclusion: the way the offender should be updated, usually not for the better. Touchy people can be childish, they live in illusions.Overcoming resentment helps them to grow up and abandon these fantasies. FEAR, PAIN OR ANGER?
It's a powerful feeling sometimes determines the strategy of life in which the goal is to prove to someone that he is wrong or revenge. The offense is able to spread to many relationships. No wonder the woman miffed with the father, experiencing negative feelings and to her husband. In such moments appear fear, pain, anger, sometimes the idea that I'm worthless or pride: "As for me, such a wonderful, could be underestimated?" Muscle tension occurs. May cause internal organs: appears heartbeat, intestine and liver does not cope very well with their functions. The expression "I can't digest" in this case reflects the offense and relates to the digestive tract. Some researchers are of the opinion that uterine cancer is associated with the resentment of a man. The body is under stress. Adaptation of the reduced, may disrupt the immune system. Psychosomatics strikes at the weakest place. STEPS TO FORGIVENESS
What to do with the offense? From the emotional parts of it need to get rid of, and rational – to take with you. To get started is just to want to forgive. Forgiveness is not a single act but a process. We can distinguish several steps in the process:
1. UNDERSTAND WHO AND WHAT WE ARE OFFENDED. During this period, we can translate the actions of the abuser in the relationship. "When he told me... it meant that he treats me..."
2. CLARIFIES EXPECTATIONS. For example, I expected that I will love and respect you, and they...
3. EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR OF THE OFFENDER. Use all the knowledge about this man – the biography of, values, known to you, to explain to myself the motives of his behavior.
4. REFINE THE EXPRESSION OF THEIR FEELINGS. Acknowledge your fear, anger, pain, devastation, sadness and so on. Live in that feeling and they will pass or change. Displays humility.
Then you ask yourself: "What happened to me when I was expecting?"
5. ASK YOURSELF: "WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE OLD OFFENSE, WHETHER IT EVOKES NEGATIVE EMOTIONS?" If Yes, then you continue to carry the negative. If I remember the story calmly, then you learned from it rational. In the future in such a situation, you will behave differently. THE PARABLE OF "RATIONAL"
There once was a man. He was very touchy and all their grievances were carefully stored. They are like weights were chained to his feet: tiny, medium, large. One of these "kettlebells" were so many that the man could go no farther. Stopped – and neither there nor here. Passed by the sage.
The man asked him, "What do I do?" – "Look, – said the sage – on your feet weights, take them off". Man made, though not without regret, because it was his accumulated resentments. "Now split your weights in the middle of each of them will find a tiny seed. Take the boxes and stack it found grains", – said the sage.
The man began to cut the weights, and each found a tiny seed. When he put all the grain in the box still has a place. And boxes was easy. Then the man realized that he must leave their heavy weights on the road.With him he took only boxes and easily walked on.
Moving from one step to another, remember – never turn from victim to abuser. In these steps we walked together with Svetlana, who had long been hiding his resentment at his father.
Svetlana, 26 years old, she is not married. Her father is sick with alcoholism. All my life Svetlana suffers from harsh criticism of his father on various occasions. Mom goes out of her way to avoid conflict, so silent. In childhood the drinking bout father Svetlana did not suffer. Says they are even happy with the brother, when dad would come home drunk. He was kind, smiling, generous with chocolate. But criticized any step daughter. So proceeds and now. The FIRST STEP is
Asking her to give an example of any offense. – What action or what word of the father offended you last time? Svetlana says she recently went to the Barber and shortened her hair to shoulder length. Prior to that, she wore longer hair. Only she seemed at home with a new hairstyle, handsome, in her opinion, as the father said, "Well, you are a fool that just got a haircut. I liked long hair." Mood Svetlana got corrupted. The SECOND STEP is
the Clarification of expectations. – What did you expect from the father, returning home from the hairdresser? – Compliments I did not expect, he is stingy with compliments. But such an insult I could not imagine. The THIRD STEP
explanation of the behavior of the offender. – How can you explain this behavior of the father? – He used to speak dramatically, with a commanding tone. He is military, Lieutenant Colonel. His mother, my grandmother, frequently criticized him. Maybe it's related to his own childhood or his work. Besides, neither mom nor I told him never mind. We used to swallow insults. What if his reaction to the haircut was an act of love for you? He loves the daughter, a beautiful girl with long hair and sorrowful as she experiments with his looks? –It seems that he loves. Only my soul is so ingrained in his criticism and so alive old grudges that I am very sensitive to such comments. The FOURTH STEP in
Clarifying and expressing their feelings. – You went to your room. What feelings you experienced there? – I cried, was angry with father, I was hurt. Then I was disheartened. – Who do you tell about your feelings? – To anyone. – How long was your depression? – Maybe a day or two. You know so much about his dad. What happened to you when you were expecting a different reaction? As you predicted his behavior? – I never predicted. –Now I have everything to anticipate and prepare for different options. You plan to start sometime to defend yourself?
You 26, you to themselves earn. You have the right to do with your hair whatever you want? – Yes, but I used to be silent. I want to be a good daughter.
–Have good daughters have healthy boundaries of the individual, and they are required to protect them.
As of now there is this resentment? – Yes, like you made it. And the case was trifling. Shouldn't have been so upset.TO LIVE WITH THE RESENTMENT
"Forgiveness comes naturally with understanding. When I understand and realize that he did so because it was their own reasons, its own history, perhaps his own pain. Forgiveness that rests on the feeling of duty or fear of the negative impact of resentment, in fact, is not forgiveness. Resentment is born only for those people who are close to us, whom we love or have loved, those from whom they expect support, acceptance, love. Moreover, it is important to try to understand them, to accept their imperfections and to truly forgive. If you can't forgive, our resentment continues to live with us and to destroy us. She really is the somatic echo. There is a hypothesis that resentment is the basis of cancer. But, I stress: a hypothesis. Psychosomatic disorders related to psychological aspects, but not unique: some are sick, others don't," Arthur DOMBROVSKY
The FIFTH STEP is
the memories of the old mad do not cause painful feelings. Svetlana agrees: "next time I'll act differently". She already forgave him. Here all steps have been taken, and Svetlana is not going to turn from victim to abuser. She will not take revenge on father's. As a child, she wanted revenge and dad, and mom. Then she thought: "if I got hit by a car, they would have learned." Her passive aggression was directed at himself in fantasy. So we with Svetlana have gone the healthy way, from resentment to forgiveness. You can do it too and go easily without painful memories and resentment."The OFFENSE AS a THING IN the BODY"
IN solitude, in silence, in a comfortable position, in a state of relaxation try to imagine his offense as a thing in the body. Think. Where does your resentment (in chest, head, hands, feet)? What size it is? What color? What the consistency (liquid, solid, gaseous)? What temperature (cold, warm, hot)? What to the touch (sticky, soft, etc.)? Once you have got presented this "thing", decide whether you like something lives inside of you? If not, remove this thing from your body. Make a motion with his hands, can "get it", to throw, to burn, to throw in the sewer. Now listen to your body. Now in the place where you took offense to?There can be a sense. Or the void. Fill the void with pleasant sensations.
Author: Valentina Moskalenko
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©