Lyudmila Petranovskaya: the Secret of happiness is surprisingly simple

The secret of happiness is surprisingly simple

How to establish family relationships with parents, children and spouses – if they are already heavily damaged? This psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya said at the lecture "Children's grievances: is there a chance to mend already damaged relationship?"

Dark and light balls

Family life is about communication – words, smiles, requests, claims, gifts and so on. Imagine this exchange of communications as if you are throwing each other balls, either light or dark. Light is a smile, hug, cover with a blanket, to praise, to say "I love you", to comfort. And dark to roll his eyes, slam the door, scream, hit, throw things, criticize, scold, to make a claim.

Dark meet light

Has conducted extensive research on the subject of what determines satisfaction with family life. It turned out, marital happiness does not depend on the age of the spouses, nor the education nor the money, nor the availability of children, and only the communication in the family home – "dark" or "light". More specifically, happy is the family where on the "dark" communication responsible "bright" more often than "light" "dark."

Advantaged and disadvantaged familiesLook at a dysfunctional family and you will see that most of the "balls" that fly in this family, is dark. If there is any light, then his answer most often is dark, and if dark appears, it immediately three dark in response. Conversely, in affluent families, most light bulbs.

And if someone comes in the spirit and gives a dark ball, the family gathers its resources and throws his light bulbs.

Example 1. The husband says to his wife: "how beautiful you are today", and he answered: "Yes, you fuck off, it would be better to earn money".

Example 2. Her husband came home tired from work, exasperated, but he responded by saying something soothing.


The establishment of relations in the family – a strategyThat is necessary to try to negative communication reply the bright, positive. To respond to bright light and especially the dark on dark is easy. You slowly, long and hard squeeze light communication dark.Gradually, but the total score was in favor of the light.

That is, the recipe is very simple — start to throw white "balls"including in response to dark. To make a nice person to hug. Take care, say something nice. It will not always happen. But sooner or later it will lead to positive changes. After some time you look back- and to live it became better! At some point you notice that your loved ones tell you the same. It's contagious.

With children 4-5 years old we can talk about itTell the children that we get to choose what our attitude will be we have light bulbs to fly or dark. Children very easily pick up this game and start to control themselves, to change lines. This is a very kid-friendly metaphor. Even the teenager, who all bristled up, if you are consistent, after some time will be at least a smaller "bullet" is dark. And eventually the light in your face will fly.

With the older generation that works toodon't forget to give parents a positive relationship, don't take everything they do for you for granted. Although our children's resentment and hinder us to do so.

Yes, sometimes you have to say something nasty to make a point

But make sure that for every one negative there were three positive messages. Not necessarily verbal – it can be as simple as a smile or a touch.



What to do if you "bump" or insult?Dark balls are of two types – information about us and information about the person. If someone says offensive things – it's probably not all about you, it's about him. He's hurt and wants to show it. Maybe he just has a toothache. The reaction to this may be different. If it's your loved one, you can sympathize in answer, because I understand that it is bad. If not very close – can you stop this communication because you don't have to listen.

Another kind of "collision" – when you really screwed up. Loud shouting or promised to do something, but did not, and so on. Then this information is about you, and you more than anyone in this world interested in this information to receive and process. That is, we have to decide is what kind of ball — about him or about me? If about me – thanks for the feedback. If it is there in the circumstances.


Author: Lyudmila Petranovskaya, recorded Maria Evseeva

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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