Rescuers and victims

I'll leave it here, who should, he will see\read\understandthe Theme of assistance (or rather the theme of denial of assistance) for many very unpleasant, slippery, provoking a lot of controversy, confusion and disagreement, but important. Here I will present my personal opinion and personal experience with this problem (no claim to truth and all in this spirit).

Every practitioner goes through several basic stages:

1. The desire to be helped more older and experienced, explained everything, told, literally transplanted his brain with all the knowledge and experience.

2. The realization that no one but him, to help him not able to and following this period of painstaking independent work.

3. Then comes the uncontrollable desire to help othersas the first skill, knowledge, and skills to solve those or other problems, I want to share and "good cause".

4. The realization that help is not in the procthat actually helps wasting your resources for nothing, that prevents us from moving forward and hinders him who he helps.

5. The new level of assistance – "assistance on request". Help without wanting to help.

So, go through all the stages in chronological order:


Save! Help! (first stage)This stage takes place every practitioner who is just starting to deal with them. He still has no experience of tracking processes, or sufficient experience of self-reflection, he can't trust himself, he need guidance and regular support. A huge number of different practices and methods circling his head (and at the same time), he in all tries to understand but usually more confused because he lacks the patience, or skills to fully understand at least the essence of a technique and to obtain concrete results.

He always has a lot of questions, and he was never satisfied with the answers because he did not need practical advice on work, and to "guru" magically, by its answer to the question has changed his personal situation. Unfortunately, such practices waste a lot of time just to search for issues, inconsistencies, contradictions and really don't want to waste their strength to themselves to figure it all out (let them answer more "wise", and they have a big problem, looking for gaps and inconsistencies, "big" work was done).

At this stage, and any of the methods in this article you can get stuck for a long time, if not forever (it is possible for life to play "journalist" to ask questions, collect answers and himself believed, and thus attain knowledge, gaining experience and wisdom, although this method will not lead further than the divan thinker).

In the end, practicing sooner or later realizes that no one is able to explain to him everything that he wants to know (what would a wise "guru" had not met you, he will not be able to explain to you the taste of watermelon so much that you really could feel it, he can only explain where to get it and how it is, the rest is a matter of technique and practice, and your practice, not "gurus").

Most played at this stage begin to regress and believe that the infamous "guru", they not only must buy "watermelon", and invite "innocent" student to visit, for him to cut this wonderful fruit to feed with the hands and lay it all production costs ("he knows better than me what, where and how, let's sharing his experience with me, what kind of guru for this, which is a pity to share his knowledge?!", — resent the newcomers). As a result, these practices do not work because they constantly think "that is still to ask", not "what would this even do," and do not allow others to work practices\teacher\guru.

Moreover, not satisfied with the response of one "skilled practice" they are going to ask next and the next and the next, and so on ad infinitum, until you find someone who will tell them what they want to hear who will voice their own thoughts and that these thoughts are far from the real picture of what is happening – played already do not care. Such "practices" not interested in development, it is interesting to find confirmation of the correctness and infallibility, and this process is completely opposite of development.

There is another trap that beginners fall into, is the transfer of responsibility to the guru, universe, frequency, methodology etc Responsibility for their own processes, they do not want to wear. The problem, which they have revealed all to blame (although there is nothing from the outside, "all of the customer's material"), in conflict situations, they see themselves only as victims (although they themselves have created this situation\up\provoked).

The transfer of responsibility for their lives to others and a desire to help and advice – are inextricably linked and overlap. Until you take responsibility, you want someone who will tell you, explain to someone in which case all the blame, as the only responsibility accepted – you will never want in your life and its events someone chime in with advice and help, even though they will be three times the enlightened, it is your life and your experience, and once you realize it, you will not let anyone live it for you.

Fortunately, many eventually realize that the "teacher was never a student," and here begins the real practice (the transition to the second stage).

I am! (second stage)In the second stage, the practitioner clearly understands that the meaning is not that everything needs to pass through itself and to survive, it is useless to endlessly argue and try on, you just have to do. He tries to feel what he does not understand this mind. Yes, the questions from practice continue to arise, but he asks himself and searches for answers on their own.

The responses and the presence of the teacher at this stage is not necessary, because everything that can advise on the "teacher" is "go to work" (this function with the same success performs a piece of paper with this "slogan" taped on the fridge). So you have everything you need.

Move on to the next stage.

To save everyone! Catch and save again! (third stage)fall Into this trap many experienced practice and get stuck at this stage for a long time, so I will give her high place in this article.

With the first major results at all there is a desire to help others, because at this stage become visible not only the causes of their problems, but others. The temptation to help is great, but if you have decided to join the "path" of the health of the body and the soul, then sooner or later you need to realize what is personally at your "uncontrollable desire to help."

All for the desire to help others is a lot of hard-hitting (if we understand the motives of the pure desire to help, and there is no trace.

The desire to help others always stems from childhood trauma "abandoned child". Such people often use phrases like: "I've never been helped", "I grew up in itself as grass" and so on. For such people, in fact, the desire to help others is just the desire to compensate for what they themselves were given what they were deprived (no one helped me, and I know how hard it is to achieve so-and-so and I'm not the same heartless bastard as my parents\friends\colleagues and I will help people).

In fact, such people are not help others and themselves, i.e. those in whom they saw themselves (the same abandoned abandoned girl or boy no one helped). Helping, they are trying to fix their past, they unconsciously take care of themselves in the face of others.

The problem is that the more power this problem is above you, the more you try to help others to the detriment of their health, time, interests, personal space, and sometimes the health of their loved ones. Usually such people just stick a situation in which we must exercise the utmost care and compassion (abandoned kittens, the downed dog, dysfunctional family, neighbors — all those whose life and tragic fate does not sleep at night, and in this time have their own families "lose" your mother\father\husband, because they're always somewhere someone save).

Usually, such people themselves have a very large and unmet need for care. Not being able to organize care of himself (their own, or get it from the side), they are projecting their need onto the external world (cats, dogs, destitute people) and care about them. One of the symptoms of this lack of care, it is not strange, is the inability to take care of others, this skill is just undeveloped.

Such people think unworthy of care and good treatment to nom (for different reasons: I'm bad; I don't really bad things, others worse than me; to take the help — it's embarrassing; I don't deserve and so on, and many of these complexes develop into the fears and paranoia: I helped people, so he needs something; I'll be; me then be manipulated through the assistance rendered, etc.).

Working on this problem we must remember that helping others (and in fact, doing their job for them) you prevent them to grow and develop, you yourself make them out to be victims.

To illustrate, here is my favorite example about the bike: you can neither teach nor learn how to ride a bike, if your saddle will sit and help you to control your feet on the pedals, "miracle" will happen only when help will deny your student any support and stands aside, allowing him to make mistakes and calmly referring to his "fall".

This problem is also closely connected with the attitude of the parents (or the significant adult, which in your opinion "left you in the lurch"), until you can forgive all grievances related to this field, unhealthy the desire to help others will appear again and again as compensation. Here, as in all described in this article cases, there is debate about who started first "the chicken or the egg", "help" went overboard with my help or "student" were too inert, is not important.

Everyone in such a situation, an equal share of responsibility, everyone has an equal right to say "STOP".Moreover, looking in front, I will say that we are always equally alive and "helping" and "student" ("the Savior" and "victim", the "responsible mommy" and "foolish child" and so on), we simply change these roles in themselves depending on the situation. All these pair – two sides of the same coin, and if you find one, do not even hesitate a second somewhere.

Separately pay attention to women (a small digression). They have a problem help is particularly bright, due to the maternal instinct (instinct is a very powerful mechanism, especially if this instinct is not implemented. Here we are talking not only about the absence of children, but fewer children than like a woman).

In the women's desire to help others is always something maternal, the desire to save all, all "feeding spoon", "to swaddle and put to sleep" (this is also the process of hypercompensation). Showing this behavior to others, they waste the energy intended for their children (figuratively speaking trying to put the Breasts of those for whom it is not intended).

Here lies one of the reasons for psychological infertility: a woman begins to spend her motherly love and energy to all and Sundry, and not hoard it in order to be done motherhood (she can't resist in order not to waste it all, to save her, she can not afford exactly the same reason why people with such a problem is difficult to accept someone else's help or something to give – no question, take is already a problem).

If a woman is not working on himself, she did not manage to accumulate this sacred and unique energy and to become a mother because she gives her husband, parents, other children, friends, pupils and pupils and so on. Mother energy always pours over the woman's breast (mammary glands).

If this energy is given not to the person for whom it is intended, in the chest occurs the blockage, which can result in breast or tumor. Boobs is only for baby! Neither the adult child nor the husband, neither parents "pop" it is not necessary (it is unnatural in the end in all senses). The husband must learn to love as a man; parents to love, honor and respect as those who gave you life, with gratitude; to adult children should be treated according to age, and not as infants; students should be treated only as students and not to cross the line, do not try to replace parents, don't try to recast them that in your opinion they do not give their family and so on).

On the same issue, only from a different angle and told Bert Hellinger in his works: everyone has to be in place, if you treat someone like a child, it takes the place of your child and the "real" child has neither the strength nor the energy nor the time. And so with any relationship. Here, too, there is no other way out of this vicious circle except to break his volitional decision.

In recent years, the trend is getting worse, and I see a lot of men who detect the breast tumor (the psychological reason is the same, plus the fact that the man does in the family femal caring mother, not a male, as expected).

Back to the main topic of the article. The desire to help others on the basis of unfulfilled maternal feelings very closely connected with the sense of responsibility for everyone, and it is an inadequate sense of responsibility (such people are all as foolish children).

Important point: "foolish children" exist as long as there is "responsible mom", always ready to help and "give food". This cycle will continue as long as "foolish children" do not get rid of custody of such "mom" and will not think for themselves and solve all the issues on their own, "mommy" will grow up and not fall behind with his help. The more you help, the less self the person becomes.

This is not all that is behind the desire to help. Everyone likes to feel helpful, "Savior", then we confess (the"Savior" feels higher, smarter, more experienced, etc. just by default, it can not entertain our Ego).

But the Savior and the Savior, he is salvation, it is his "mission", and the one whom he saves is always the victim and always the victim. And again a paradox: the victim remains a victim exactly as long as the Savior did not cease to save her. Only then the victim will realize that to save (and in fact to haul it on their backs) no one else, she starts to paddle yourself towards the shore.

Less common is the situation when the victim is "see clearly" and fighting off the hands of the "saviors" starts after row yourself to the proverbial Bank, realizing that many rescuers pulling her in different directions like a Swan, cancer and pike, and least of all think about real help. Here, as in all the previous examples, this vicious circle can only be broken. To wait until the carousel stops by itself – does not make sense, jump on the speed. Whoever you were (the rescuer or rescued) sooner or later you will realize that asking for help (and sometimes rescue) is actually not the desired result. The process of care is needed, and the result — no! Here is such another paradox.

Another important aspect: the desire to help often is based on the basic inability to say NO, and the inability to say no is always not enough high self esteem and lack of confidence. That is, in this case, even the desire to help is not in pure form. There is just fear to deny, the fear that I think about if something happens, fear of condemnation, guilt. The reasons for this situation are not in a "malicious manipulator" and you, depending on opinions of others, uncertainty. With these problems and we have to work. I doubt whether to say "NO"? Then ask yourself, and does not help others my personal resources? Do not deprive own life, does not steal me from loved ones? Do not deprive emotional balance? That's the same...

Want to help other people is commendable, but make sure that this desire is not worth the above reasons. Otherwise, your help will not be good for you or the one you are helping.


Refusal of assistance (fourth stage)At a certain moment, a period of saturation of the help and understanding that the resources to help others spent a lot more than themselves and their processes. Is a reassessment of values and itself, and the person is clearly aware that helping others really no need. The desire to give advice, help – all falling off, and sometimes it happens even with a small bend in the other direction: I want to isolate themselves from everyone and not something that tips to stop even if asked, and even opinions on any issue do not want to Express (we need to try both poles before to find a middle ground).


With no desire to help (fifth stage)

Is there a "real" sincere help? Yes, people certainly can help, but such help is from a completely different level of perception and it's a completely different kind of help ("help without the desire to help", ie, without pity or sympathy, unmoved and not taking responsibility for another person, his processes and results, without wanting to your help took, and she went in the proc, without the need of response and gratitude, etc.). This assistance, for example, are the diaries of the practitioners, in which they describe all processes, all stages of healing to the best of their ability. This assistance (from the category of "I'll leave it here, who should, he will see\read\understand") — eco-friendly and efficient for both parties.

To summarize...

The boundaries of these stages are not clear and quite blurred. Some of us may already be in the fourth stage, and the part will still act up and demand help, as the first – this is normal. The main thing is, what stage is the leading (i.e., mindfulness in actions and processes). When there is awareness – always be moving forward. published


Author: Ksenia Golitsyn

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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